Beating Heart
f i f t y n i n e - panic.
[[A/N: from this point on to the end chapters will be very long and full of important material! Please bear with me, it is going to get soooo good!!!]]
//you are at once both the quiet and the confusion of my heart//
//Julianne//
A sharp gasp left my mouth as my eyes shot open, something isn't right. My hand is spread out on top of the sheet instead of where it was when my eyes fell shut and I drifted to sleep - on Harry's warm, hard chest. I sit up quickly, realizing that he's gone and I'm literally alone in a place I have never been too prior to this day. I run a shaking hand through my hair, trying to push it away from my face. I throw the blankets off of myself and carefully put my feet on the floor.
"Harry?" I say in a normal tone, my eyes trialing to the bathroom. Unfortunately, he wasn't in there because the lights were shut off and the door is wide open, just like he left it before we lied down. "W-where are you?" I ask with a stutter, the cold air in the room is causing goosebumps to form on my exposed skin, all up and down my legs. I swallow the nervous lump forming in my throat, did he just leave me here all alone?
"Please.. if you're here let me know." I beg of him, God knows I can't handle this right now. It won't be long until the panic sets in and I lose my sanity, tears will stream from my eyes, and I will break down right here on the bedroom floor. I do not favor being alone, especially in a place I do not know anything about. My head turns in all directions, my eyes longing to find his presence in the room but I see nothing. My feet carry me to towards the staircase and I grab a hold of the railing as soon as I reach it. I lean over just slightly, enough to see downstairs.
"Harry?" I call out, my voice echoing in the cabin. I hold my breath, not wanting to miss a sound just in case there was one. After a few moments, in which he doesn't respond, I start to take deep breathes. "Are you downstairs?" I ask nervously, twisting a strand of my hair around my finger as I begin the journey down the staircase. My other hand clutches the rail as I step down each step, my eyes staring straight down so that I don't slip and fall. The moonlight crept in through all the windows, every curtain was pulled back, and it lit up the lower half of the cabin.
Suddenly, when I thought I had lost all hope, I get a glimpse of a small glow in the kitchen. I hurry down the rest of the stairs and quickly run into the kitchen. I come to a halt, my eyes widening as I see nothing but the illuminating light above the stovetop. Of course, I should have none this would happen, nothing ever goes well for me. "Harry." I mumble out, folding my arms on my chest, it's freezing down here. I really need him right now, more than ever I do believe. "Please." I mutter the word softly, even his strong ears couldn't pick it up I bet.
My knees are growing weak as I slowly trail back into the living room. Thanks to the heavy moonlight, I can clearly see the couch and the coffee table. The fireplace is in lack of a fire, which would be lovely at the moment. I take a huge, deep and slow breath, trying to calm my crazy nerves down. There is no need to overreact, perhaps he is outside. A lightbulb glows above me head, of course! The only place I forgot to look!
A smile spread to my chapped lips, thanks to the cool night air, as I hurry up the staircase. The way up seems like such a longer trip, but maybe it's because I have a beautiful present waiting up there. After what felt like an eternity, I reached the top floor and I automatically dashed to the pretty French doors on the back wall. I yank them open and step out into the night. "Harry!" There's an overly excited tone to my voice as I glance around the balcony looking for him but sadly he's not here. "Harry.." An uneasy frown took over my mouth, tears began to slip down my face - here come the pathetic waterworks.
Before I could gain any strength, I stumbled over my own two feet and fell onto my knees on the wood, the shirt of Harry's I have on is absorbing my fallen tears. I lift the collar of the shirt up to my nose, inhaling the wondrous smell of him. God, where has he gone to? Fear settles deep into my heart and soul as I hear rustling in the woods behind me. I screw my eyes shut and mumble a prayer to myself, why does everything bad happen to me?
"Please, God.. Bring him back.. to me.. I.. I can't take it.. I.. I need him." My lips hardly part as I speak these words to the man above me, I need his help more than ever right now. In some damn tree behind me, an owl sings a lonely song and I feel the shivers race rapidly through my body, all ending up in my already shaking heart. A heavy pounding filled my ears and I immediately cover them. "No, please." I cry out, my eyes shedding more water than the sea holds. I feel my body begin to rock slightly back and forth, my anxiety mixed with this insane fear is beginning to take me over entirely.
My wind pipe began to close up on me, my head is spinning, I can't fucking breathe. I tried to say something but it was so hard to even move my tongue at this point. I put one of my tingling hands loosely over my throat. My shoulders began to ache and my heart was racing. Gasping for air, I squeezed my eyes shut as tight as I could, tears rolling off my jaw and onto the floor. I'm losing it.
A spark flew in my heart as I imagined Harry's sweet voice saying my name one last time before my heart explodes. I heard it again, and again. I tried my very best to smile and think of him - hoping that it would calm me down but damn it, it only made it all worse. My body was shaking fully now, immense fear washing throughout my veins.
All at once, I feel a warmth engulf me and a tight grip was given to my body. I was lifted from my spot on the balcony floor, but I don't know where I'm being placed.
"Julianne." My heart recognized that beautiful voice through all of my pain. I try to lift my head but I find that I am confined, my face pushed into his chest. Those strong arms stopped me from rocking back and forth, hands pressed into my back to keep me still. "It's okay baby, I'm right here." Harry's smooth voice flowed through my body, my breathing is beginning to go to normal now and my heart isn't as racing as fast. I feel my airway loosen, words forming in my mouth before I could even comprehend it. "Why did you leave me?" I blurt out against his hot, damp skin.
His large hand touched the back of my head, fingers sliding into my hair. "I had to hunt.. I wasn't gone long, I thought you'd.. I thought you'd stay asleep." Harry said breathlessly, his hand keep my head buried into his hard chest. I don't mind, it makes me feel safe. "Why were you crying, doll?" He questions in a soft, gentle voice. I pull my arms from between us and slide them around his torso. That's when I realized I was on his lap, legs wrapped around his waist. I hadn't even noticed, I was in so much shock. "Sc-scared.. didn't kn-know where y-you where." The sobbing returns and the droplets fall from my eyes even faster than before. Harry's arms squeeze me tight, chin on the top of my head.
"I'm so sorry, baby. I didn't even think about you waking up. Please don't cry." His heavy hand pets my hair, trying to soothe me. "I didn't m-mean to.. t-to have a pan-panic a-a-attack." My words are extremely stammered but I realize that I'm still trying to recover from my intense attack. "It's alright, darling. I'm here now and we can go back to sleep. Does that sound nice?" Harry's calming voice brings a warmth to my chest, a smile to my lips, and a beautiful memory in my mind. "Please."
//Harry//
Julianne's sleeping body has my arms secured around it, her pretty face hidden in my chest and her arms linked around my torso. My sweet love, she's been through so much and I just can't seem to make it any better. It was too soon - I shouldn't have left her alone. My actions are reoccurring in my mind, driving me insane as I remember the way I found her.
It was a few minutes past midnight when my stomach growled. At first, I attempted to ignore it - but my teeth were shifting, my fangs were coming out, a harsh reminder that I'm not fully human and my body needs more than just a glass of water before bed. I had to carefully slide my arms from around her precious body. I lied her head on the pillow, it was previously against my chest. She didn't stir, not one little inch, and I figured she would last an hour without me. I pulled the cover up to her shoulders, tucking it around her and giving her a kiss on her slightly sweaty forehead. I cracked a window before exiting down the stairs, I didn't want her to get too hot in there.
Within minutes of leaving, I was walking through the woods searching for a nice meal. I took down a deer quickly, then I had to search for more. My body was craving it, I had to get the energy circulating inside of me. Twenty minutes passed, three deer later, and I found myself chasing after a nosy bear. I would have gotten it if it weren't for my sense of hearing. I quickly picked up on Julianne's voice calling my name out, requesting that I show myself. I should have known better than to leave her alone, especially when there was no one else there. At least I have some reassurance when we're at home, I can leave and know for sure that someone will watch after her for me until I return. But not tonight, no that wasn't an option.
I ran through woods, dodging trees and fallen logs. My pace wasn't as fast as I can go, but it was quick enough. The long strides quickly brought me to the tree line just behind the cabin. I had to stop at the edge of the woods and phase myself back, I couldn't enter the cabin as a wolf - one reason, I would probably scare the hell out of her, and two I couldn't open the door..
Once I had regained my human self, I ran into the house, slamming the door behind me. I glanced in the kitchen, she wasn't there. I did a quick run through the living room, she wasn't there either. I stopped at the bottom of the stairs, my ears tuning out the rest of the world and focusing on her, my nose picked up her scent - at least I knew she was inside the cabin and she hadn't ran off into the woods looking for me. She's too afraid of the dark to do that.
Quickly, I ran up the stairs and saw that the bedroom was empty - the covers were thrown wild on the bed and the balcony doors were wide open. I darted in that direction, hearing her sobbing and whimpering just a few feet away from me. When I reached the balcony, I looked down to witness my beautiful angel shaking and crying, her nails scratching at her throat and her fingers tugging at her hair. I thought she had lost all of her sanity, but then I realized I had watched her do this before through her window, I've seen it several times. She wasn't dying, despite probably feeling that way, she was panicking.
I jumped from my thoughts as I felt a small tap on my collar bone, her body shifting slightly in my arms. I press a kiss to her forehead before opening my mouth, "Are you alright, darling?" I say with a soft voice, I didn't want to frighten her any. She grunts lightly, adjusting the arm that laid under me, her hand on the small of my back. Her fingertips trailed over my collarbone before stopping at the base of my throat. "Why is your heart beating so fast?" Julianne asks in a mutter, her heated breath warming my skin up.
The lump that began to form in my throat was quickly pushed down, there was no need for me to be shy about it or be a coward. "I was just thinking about what happened." I confess, lips lingering on her hair line. She flattens her hand on the upper portion of my chest, she's shivering lightly from the coldness floating in the room. "It was just.. a panic attack." She sighs out as if it was simply nothing to it. She was completely wrong. "Yeah, and it fucking scared me." I admit, my eyes fall shut and I clench my jaw, how could she just assume it's no big deal at all? It had be fucking terrified, I thought I was going to die myself.
"I'm fine now." She reminds me, soft lips against my skin. "Now.. This time.. " I murmur, not really wanting to cause an argument but I wanted her to hear me out on this one. Things usually don't worry me, but if they involve her then they fucking do. "Please.. don't." She whispers as the tip of her index finger brushes patterns on my skin. My lips close, I don't feel like speaking on the topic anymore, but I keep them pressed against the top of her forehead, my nose burying into her soft hair. "Harry." She breathes out, lips placing a small kiss to my skin shortly afterwards.
Once again, I do not say a word and keep my lips sealed. I have personally declared that I am done with this conversation, and I meant it. Her hand slides up to the side of my neck, I have found that she likes doing that. Maybe it's because of the warmth, or perhaps because of the intimacy of the action. Whatever the reason, I love it when she does it. Her small, cold, and usually shaking palm pressing against my neck gives me such a beautiful feeling in my heart, the love I hold for her has grown so deeply into my soul, and has risen up through my heart - the roots tangling my organs up. God, she has me wrapped around her little finger, and I wouldn't want to have it any other way.
"You're mad at me." She states, a sadness is in her voice, I just know those sweet lips are formed to a frown. That wondering hand ends up at the nape of my neck, her fingers twirling pieces of my hair around. "No, baby. I'm not." I sigh to her - great, now she's going to think I fucking hate her because I didn't answer her moments ago. "Yes you are. I'm sorry, m'so stupid." Julianne's words cut through my heart, she should never think of herself that way. I lean back to look at her. She lifts her head from out of my chest and those light eyes stare up at me in the slight darkness. The moon's light made it easier to see on her behalf, since I can already see better in the dark than she can.
"You are not stupid, baby. And I'm not mad. I just don't want to discuss it right now." My temper was slightly increasing, but I know I must calm myself down. I can't lash out on her, especially now while we're out here alone and there's no one to hold me back. I fear that one day, God forbid, I might actually lose all sanity and hurt her really badly.
To my utter surprise, Julianne stirred in my arms and wiggled herself free of me. I didn't stop her as she rolled onto her side, her back now facing me and a good four inches separated us. I fall onto my back, my eyes closing and a disappointed sigh slipping out of my mouth. How could I be so mean? Maybe I didn't realize it - she takes things so differently than I do and the oddest things hurt her feelings, like me being a complete jackass towards her. I throw my hands over my face, groaning loud into my palms as it all starts to sink in: I've fucked up.
My arms fall to my sides and I swallow the lump in my throat, how could I do this to her? I love her so much, I do not want to see her mad at me. Just out of curiosity, to see if she is willing to trust me right now, I turn my head on the pillow and reach over to her, the ends of my fingers brushing the small of her back - her shirt has risen up and some skin is showing. Unfortunately, she scoots further away from me and tugs the blankets up to her neck. Great, just fucking great.
"Julianne, baby, don't be this way. I'm sorry I.. I just don't like talking about things that make me worry." I shock myself when I blurt out this confession of mine. It is true, I hate having to talk about something that worries the hell out of my mind, and Julianne's issues are on the top of that list. Her heart beat has calmed down now and her breathing pattern is average - she's asleep. "I'll make it up to you, I promise." I shift over and rest my weight on my elbow.
I push her hair out of her face and lean down to her cheek. I plant a few kisses there, hoping and praying that she felt them correctly. I tuck the covers in around her peaceful body, she's my angel - even when she's upset with me. Despite her actions and her sleeping arrangements, I didn't turn away from her. I could never see myself sleeping with my back to her, that creates even more panic for me and my heart. I keep my hands to myself, but I do shorten the distance by a few inches.
Turns out I'm not really good at the whole 'boyfriend' thing.
*+*+*
The cozy cabin is holding such an amazing aroma - homemade pancakes, bacon, and fresh fruits. My attempts at fixing my careless mistake are going along good, so far. I wrote her a sweet note and laid it on her bedside table, maybe she'll open it. I also laid out some clothes for her at the end of the bed, hopefully she won't flop around and knock them into the floor. Just my luck, though.
I sit the last of the pancakes onto the plate and slide them into the oven just to keep them warm for the time being. I turn my attention to the skillet full of bacon now so that I do not overcook any of it. I flip a few pieces over onto the opposite side, my mind wondering off to what occurred hours ago. It was never my intention to hurt her. Even though I have been calling this a 'hurting' situation, I have come to believe that I didn't hurt her fragile feelings, but instead I simply pissed her off.
Last night was the first night in a long while that I hardly slept. The nervousness that my body contained last night was so intense, I have never been that nervous before. I assume it was because of Julianne and the fact she didn't even want me to touch her last night, when just hours previously we had our naked bodies pressed together. It gave me an aching feeling in my heart, it hurt more than words ever could. When she shied away from my touch - in the past she had only done that when she was frightened by me. Lately, she hasn't been afraid of me, so I know it wasn't that reason. She was just mad, and I can't seem to understand exactly why.
The sound of a groan distracted me from my thinking. I looked over my shoulder, but I saw no one. I figure I heard her above me in the bed - probably waking up or stirring around up there. I push aside my previous thoughts and continue cooking the food for her. I hope she's hungry when she comes down, if she comes down that is.
Before long, I hear the patter of her feet against the ground, the sound coming closer and closer to me by the second. I turn off the stove top after getting the rest of the bacon out of the pan. I sit the skillet into the dish water, immediately wanting to get the grease off of it so it won't be a hassle to clean later on. I move down the counter to the sink once I slide the plate of back into microwave to keep it warm. I turn on the tab and pour some soap into my palm.
I can both sense and hear her behind me - heavy breathes, steady heart. Yet, despite knowing she's there, I don't say a word and I simply ignore her. I have apparently decided that I won't be the first one to speak today, if she wants to talk to me then she gladly will, or else we'll be in silence all day long and I'm certainly fine with that. Perhaps I have started to overreact about the situation, I know it's entirely wrong to disregard her, but at the same time I know I'm only curious to see if she is willing to speak first or not.
Once I dry my hands off, I reach into the cabinet and grab two plates out. I sit them on the counter and head towards the stove. Julianne still hasn't moved from her spot and I have this heavy thing weighing on me, telling me she probably won't leave that spot. Once again, I brush off the thoughts and carry on with my actions. I place two pancakes on each plate, she doesn't eat much - which worries the living hell out of me - so I don't want to pile on a bunch to the plate just for it to go to waste. I add the bacon next, just a few pieces.
I grab both of the full plates and make my way to the small table that sat in the middle of the table. I sit a plate in front of each chair. I lick my lips absentmindedly, as I often do, the same moment my eyes lift up to catch her stare. I tear away my contact before I had a mere chance to get attached, this isn't my fault and I'm not going to make it seem that way either. She got upset with me and she can do as she pleases, meaning she can speak to me if she'd like or not, I don't really care about it anymore. Even though it's eating my alive from the inside out..
The thing I do to distract myself is grab two glasses from the cabinet and then get the orange juice from the refrigerator. I fill the cups up and place them on the table as well. For the second time, I caught a glimpse of her - the only different is that this time I looked for a bit longer. I turn away, going to put up the juice carton and grab the bowl of fruit instead. She was just standing there, arms by her side, her bottom lip caught between her teeth and her eyes hardly opened - sleep still slowing on her. Her hair is a wreck, but it's quite adorable, and her cheeks are flustered. She's still only in my shirt, that on its own drives me mad.
I grip the edge of the bowl tightly in my hand, refusing to turn to face her again because I know if I do I might just collapse and throw away this entire silent treatment shit. I could never ignore her completely, she's all I live for and all I can think about constantly. Everything I do I do for her and I can't fucking stand the silence. The one and only thing keeping me sane is the assurance that her heart is beating - loud and proud, pounding in her chest. At times, like this one, I often wish I couldn't hear like that, that I didn't have these enhancements.
Frankly, I don't want to do this anymore - I can't handle the suffocating silence floating in the room, drowning me. My feet carry me to the table where I drop off the bowl of fruits. Without stopping, I continue over to where she stands, eyes watching me closely. Her head tilts back as I approach her, my height soaring over her own. My eager hands grab her waist and I guide her even closer to me, our bodies pressing together. Before I could make another move, her small hands slide around me, going straight to the small of my back. Her forehead falls against my chest, small breaths hitting onto my skin.
My arms snake around her waist, keeping her in place in my tight hold. I lean down slightly and press a kiss to the top of her head. "Good morning, my love." I'm the one to break the hard silence, it drops and shatters onto the tiles. Julianne nuzzles her face in to my chest, despite already being as close as possible. "G'morning." She mutters back, that beautiful voice filling my ears. My lips shape into a smile, her voice makes my heart flutter. At first I thought I made be reliving what happened last night because I swear I hear sniffling, but sadly it was real and was happening right now.
I pick my hand off her back and press it against the back of her head, petting her hair softly because I know she likes it. "Don't cry, baby." I whisper to her, feeling her warm tears seep into my bare skin. She doesn't listen to me though, the sobbing begins and I feel her growing weak in my arms. "Shh, it's okay my darling." I try to assure her this and it seems to not be enough to fix her. Her fingernails dig into my skin, and I can't hold back the wince - she's got sharp nails. "I.. I'm so.. mean.. t-to you." Julianne cries out, shaking her head lightly at me. I sigh out, this is the last thing I thought would happen.
She beat me to the front of the line, not letting me even reply to her. "I th-thought you.. were-were g-gonna be gone.. and you.. w-would l-leave me for-forever." She sobs even harder, her body shaking in my arms as she lets the flood gates open, tears covering my skin. "Everything is okay, baby. I'm right here. I'd never leave you." What I said sounded really stupid and false since I obviously did leave her. But I hope she can see past that and realize that I mean I would never leave her behind. I could never just up and leave from this place, I would never do that to her. It would kill me.
"Promise?" She said, her words muffled by my chest. Her small hands crawl up to my shoulder blades, holding on tight. I hiss just slightly as she uses her fingernails to anchor herself. "I promise." I breathe out, my eyes closing as I feel her soft lips press kisses against my skin. She'll be the death of me, whether I like it or not.
*+*+*
//Sophia//
"He won't try it." Liam mumbles out, rolling his eyes at Perrie as she presented her assumption. "And why not?" She says, throwing her hands in the air. I keep my mouth shut because really it's none of our business what Harry chooses to do and what he decides upon. If he ever found out we were discussing this, he might go crazy on us. "Because, they just started to use their tongue when they kiss. They're not gonna fuck anytime soon." Niall blurts out, but I know that's exactly what Liam would have said anyways.
Perrie groans for the fifth time in the past five minutes, this conversation has gone on for far too long. "That doesn't matter. Zayn and I done it a week after we first kissed. And Sophia and Liam only lasted a few weeks before they did it." Perrie reminds of these things we all are aware of. I sigh out, pinching the bridge of my nose, the stupidity of some people just irritates me.
"Harry's not going to do that to her. He holds a high respect for the girl. It'll be a year before he does that." Liam says, shaking his head in disbelief at Perrie's thoughts. We don't own the right to bet on when Harry and Julianne will fully commit to each other and it's surely no one's business but theirs. I, for one, don't care what he does but this conversation is forcing me to intervene and call out my own opinions. "Respect is nothing. As soon as he gets a boner he's gonna want to do it!" She claims, laughing slightly at her use of words.
"He's been hard around her before, and he clearly hasn't done anything to solve it! Nothing but a wank." Niall shouts out, he seems upset about the fact we're discussing this and I'm on his side of things. It's seriously nothing we should be concerned with. "You've got to picture it this way, Perrie." I say, scooting myself to the edge of the stool, my elbows digging into the island. She raises her brows, ready to be lectured.
"Harry was born way before you and I were. Back then they done things very differently." I start, hoping that this won't take entirely too long to explain but something is screaming at me, telling me it will. "His mum held high standards, Perrie. She didn't want her son to go whoring 'round. She also told him to wait on that one person because one day she will come along. And Harry waited hundreds of years for the girl and he found her." Liam cuts in but I don't mind, maybe the three of us can work together to throw some sense into Perrie's mind.
"And Julianne has been through Hell and back.. Harry told me he wanted to love her, take care of her, and treat her right. He doesn't want to just fuck her and change her. He's got a shit ton of love for the girl.. he's not going to ruin it." Niall adds on, shrugging lightly afterwards. "She's full blooded human and he-" Niall's quick to cut her off, "So were you." Perrie sighs deeply, she hates being wrong and today is certainly going to piss her off.
"Being human has nothing to do with it." I breathe out, my patience with them is beyond gone. "I thought you would understand." Niall groans, running a hand through his hair before continuing, "When Harry lost his mum he lost all hope in the world.. Do you not remember when he left for weeks at a time? Just to go stand in the woods behind that girl's house to fucking make sure she was okay." Niall usually isn't the one to be serious, but I can tell this is bugging him.
"Then why didn't he get her then? He apparently doesn't love her that much." Perrie furrows her brows. Liam slides his stool back and huffs, throwing himself against the back door. I flinch as I hear him growl, he's really mad right now and Perrie isn't helping by saying stupid things. "Don't you think he fucking wanted to?! He couldn't Perrie. He made a promise to her mother and he wasn't going to break it." Niall turns away from her, trying to refrain from lashing out. "Okay, whatever. That has nothing to do with them having sex." She claims with a shake of her head.
"What Harry does is nothing we should be concerned about." I tell her, trying to calm everyone down but it's not working. "He's our Alpha! Everything he does-" She stops as I hold my hand up, she's very wrong with that one. "You're right. But that doesn't include what he does with his mate. That's his private business, just like it is ours when it comes to our mates. I suggest you stop talking about it."
*+*+*
//Julianne//
Breakfast was nice, quite, and peaceful. Harry and I have solved the foolish issue that went on too far and caused such unnecessary things. At the moment, I'm sitting on the couch snuggling with a fluffy throw blanket while Harry is tidying up the kitchen and such. The show I'm currently engrossed in is a crime investigation show. This episode hits close to home for me - the father attacked and murdered the mother and then kidnapped the children. I nervously bite onto my lip as I keep my focus engaged on the screen while attempting to ignore Harry's groans of swears from the kitchen after something hit the ground.
The federal agents on the show were willing to risk their very own lives to save those children. I felt a pinch in my heart as the children in the backseat of the car quietly discuss their mother, despite the father's threats of hurting them if he heard them make a sound. I flinch and raise the blanket over my eyes as the father starts to lash out on them, I do not like this kind of things and unfortunately I cannot find the remote.
"Julianne, are you okay?" Harry's voice invades the room, I'm thankful that he's loud because he's drowning out the sound of the crying children. I lower the blanket from my face and jump slightly in my skin as I see his emerald eyes staring down at me. He's blocking the television screen, oh thank goodness for that! I nod lightly a few times, not sure how to speak on this. Harry looked over his shoulder at the screen before those beautiful eyes roam back to me.
He leans down, a hand reaching for my cheek, the other touching against my elbow. "I'll change it." He whispers to me before his lips fall onto my forehead, softly pressing onto my skin a few times. I smile at the warmth filling my veins, he does wondrous things to my body. Harry straightens back up and turns his broad, muscled back to me. I watch him pick up the remote which was in the middle of the table - of course I didn't even see it though - and he starts to flick through the channels.
I lick my lips as I admire the way his arm flexes, even with the simple motion of pressing a button. The muscles in his back contract and move around as he leans down to put the remote back on the table. I look away quickly as he turns to face me once again, I didn't want him to know I was staring at his glorious body, toned muscles, and tan skin. "Ten more minutes then I'll come sit with you. I'm gonna put our dirty clothes in the washing machine." He informs me, a hand flirtatiously brushing against my knees as he walks back, eyeing me before letting one fall into a wink. My cheeks flush and I'm glad he's out of my view, perhaps he didn't catch it but I bet he did.
Harry changed the show to a cartoon with a little yellow square who apparently lives underwater in a piece of fruit. I smile at the cuteness of the show, the things people come up with these days. I never really watched television as I child, I had a t.v. in my room but I usually just watched movies I had because that's what my mother loved to do. When I did start watching it more I was a teenager and cartoons weren't my thing. A laugh passes through my lips as one of the side characters says something a tad too mature for the childish show.
The show suddenly goes to commercial, making me sigh. Of course, as soon as I get interested in something it just goes away. I roll my eyes to myself, it's just a show and it'll be back on in a few minutes. I lean my head against the back of the couch, the leather is cold against my skin. I hear the washing machine door shut, apparently it's under the staircase of something along those lines. I don't know. Harry told me earlier but I wasn't really listening to him, plus he was in the other room and I'm hard at hearing, unlike him.
A vibrating sound distracted me, my head snapping up and my eyes searching for the source. Immediately, I see the screen of Harry's phone glowing on the coffee table. Curiosity gets the very best of me and I lean up, the blanket falling to my lap from my chest. I reach forward and carefully grasp it in my hand. I bring it closer to me and look down at the screen, he had a few unread messages. I glance over my shoulder, just to make sure he wasn't there, and thankfully he isn't, before I slide open the screen - there is no passcode or anything on it. So that has to mean he has nothing to hide, right?
I navigate through the sliding screens until I see the message icon. I tap on it and it pops up, taking over the screen now. I bite my lip intensively as I click on the first name I see with an unread message.
From Niall (9:42 am)
Got loads to tell you when you get back. Perrie thinks your gonna fuck Julianne! Ha. Can't wait to see your face when we tell you the rest.
My eyes widen as I read over the words Niall sent to Harry's phone. How could Perrie just assume that would happen when it will certainly not! I swallow the nervous lump in my throat as I read it over one more time, just to make sure it said that. And it did. The vibration startles me suddenly as the device goes off in my hand, a new message from Niall. I don't hesitate to read it either.
From Niall (9:44 am)
But don't stress over it, mate. Enjoy ya away time, ya need it!
I close Niall's messages and guide my way to the others. I see the next person, so I click it and there are a few messages there that I assume are still unread. I take a deep breath, preparing myself for what is to come because after Niall's words I no longer know what to expect.
From Liam (9:41 am)
So turns out Perrie believes you have other intentions than what you told us.
From Liam (9:42 am)
We got her ass though, told it was disrespectful and shit like that. She's still convinced otherwise though, you know how that goes.
From Liam (9:44 am)
Are there enough groceries out there? If not I can run to the store and pick you up some stuff and drop it by. Wouldn't be a hassle, let me know mate.
Liam was definitely more moderate than what Niall had to say. At first I thought I heard Harry coming, but when I looked I saw no one so surprisingly I carry on with my actions. I go to the next person and casually start to read the message as if they were sent to me instead of Harry.
From Louis (9:43 am)
Perrie informed us of your plans! Ha, enjoy that mate. Bout time you got some. Be safe!
I roll my eyes at this, they are so immature and childish. Harry would never force me in something I am not ready for or don't want to do, and frankly I am neither ready nor willing to do that any time soon! I love Harry, but that is a big jump and I just can't do that right now.
"Did you find it?" That deep, raspy voice frightened me, making me toss the phone onto the couch beside me. I look up to find Harry standing in front of me, arms crossed on his strong chest and eyes strained on me and only me. He looks extremely unpleased with what I have done. I swallow harshly, "Did I find what?" I question, furrowed brows on my forehead - I'm trying to play this out, act like I have no clue what he's referring to but I know it will fail. He saw me as bold as day, scrolling through his phone and reading those messages.
"Whatever it is you were looking for." He shrugged lightly with just one shoulders, eyes still focused on me. I look down, his thick thighs in my new interest now. "I.. I didn't mean to." I mutter out, not having to worry about the volume of my voice, it was both a trick and a treat. It was great for when he's away from me and I need him, like last night, yet it's torture for moments like these, when I don't want to speak at all. "How did you not mean to? People don't just pick up someone else's phone and go through it." Harry gives me a sarcastic laugh as he snatches his phone from the cushion.
I bring my hand up to my face, resting my chin in my palm as I anxiously nibble on my fingernails. "Do you not trust me? Do you think I'm doing something behind your back?" Harry asks, throwing his hands dramatically into the air. I lift my eyes, and only my eyes, to watch him overreact in front of me. "Because I'm fucking not!" Harry adds, his booming voice echoing in the cabin. "I do trust you and.. No. I just.. heard it go off on the table." I say, my voice is weak and shaky. He's caught me in the act and I feel horrible, like a criminal. "Yeah, on the table, where it should have stayed." Harry sits the phone back on the table and starts the trail away from me.
"Whenever you're done being nosy.. I'll be on the balcony with some tea. Until then, you might as well read the rest of them." Harry's harsh words have my lips quivering, I didn't intend to do this and I thought he wouldn't even notice it. "No, actually I'll take it with me." I hear Harry's feet hit against he floor as he comes back this way. I hold my breath and shy away from him as he gets closer. Thankfully, he doesn't try to touch me. Instead, he grabs the phone from the table and turns back around, not paying me any attention. Great, just great. We have overcome one mountain just to find this stupid one right under us.
Once again, it's all my fault.
I'm not really doing well at the whole 'relationship' thing.
Maybe it was the fear of him yelling at me again that led me out the front door and down to the pier, or perhaps it could have been my want and need to escape the intense environment for a while. I have witnessed Harry lash out on others, Liam is a good example to use, and it really does circulate in my mind every time he raises his voice at me. I know I deserve it, but it frightens me.
My feet hang off the each and sink into the water. I stare down at my knees, things were going so well. My mother taught me a ton of good lessons, but never did she teach me about love. I wasn't even aware that it could be this hard, this difficult to face. Until this point I didn't even think about it. I know my mother's love life wasn't extremely good, but I know one thing - she did love my father. Maybe not the man he had become, and definitely not the things he done, but she loved him. I do remember her telling me that everyone hides their true self deep down, tucked inside the tiniest crevice and that if you are ever able to find that fracture in someone's heart and yank them out, then you have accomplished the ultimate act of love and courage both.
Mom never told me it would be this hard, I never had the chance to experience the talk about maturity and such. Most kids hate talking about anything relating to sex with their parents, but I would have loved to received just a piece of information - just the slightest comment about it. Did my mother want me to wait until marriage, did she believe in that? Would there ever be a marriage for me? If I were to do the act before marrying, would she be ashamed of me? Would she judge me? Or would she understand?
Those messages scared me more than Harry's voice did. If they thought about it happening then it's a guarantee that Harry has thought about it, too. When I was still in school I always overhead everyone else speaking about that sort of thing, but I had never experienced it so I couldn't relate. What worries me the most is wondering if I make Harry happy or not. All those things I heard, the things they said to do and say, I don't do that. I don't partake in anything, the only major thing we've done was bathe together and even then I didn't look at him. My shy side took over, I hesitated at every thing last night.
What if Harry does want to do that with me? What if he's ready? What in the world would he think if I were to say I wasn't ready for it, that I had no clue on anything other than kissing? Would he shun me, leave me, and make me fend for myself in this crazy world, or would he understand and teach me? Harry doesn't have much experience either, I assume because that's what I've been told. But the difference between Harry and I is that he has lived a lot longer than I have and he has friends who are in relationships and I'm sure they discuss things that go on in the bedroom.
I yanked my feet out of the water as a fish unexpectedly swam under them, rubbing against my heels. It scared the hell out of me. I roll my eyes to myself, I'm so immature. I place my feet back into the water and lift my eyes, staring off at the sunrays hitting the water, making it glisten and sparkle. My attempt at trying to stay out of my thoughts is exhausting me already and I've barely began.
For some reason, I ignore my trying and slip back into my mind. Harry is the only person I truly trust one hundred percent, he's the only person I have ever loved this way, yet I do not even know how to please him if the time ever comes. I roughly push the pad of each index finger against my temples, a headache is forming and it's already hurting me. A groan leaves from my mouth as I run my hands through my hair, pushing it back and trying to get the messy waves out of my face - it was slightly damp when we went to sleep so it got wavy, which I hate. I tug lightly at my roots, despite knowing it won't relieve the headache one bit, only makes it worse.
Nature is supposed to calm your nerves and ease your aching, and when I was younger that is exactly what it done for me. But right now, in this terrible moment, it's coming close to killing me. It's most likely because when I think of nature I think of all my stupid mistakes as a child, which leads to Harry dashing in and saving me - even though I didn't know him then - and when I think of Harry my heart starts to violently pound and my hands and eyes both start to search for him, and he's not here right now.
If only I could go back in time and change my reaction to his ringing phone. I would leave it there, untouched until he returned to the room. Then, I would inform him on it and he'd check it and it would leave me wondering what it said, but I would be aware that I would never get to know. The next day I would forget about it and move on with our lives, probably happy and together - unlike we are now. I have seriously messed up this go around, he probably hates me.
I don't blame him, I really don't.
//you are at once both the quiet and the confusion of my heart//
//Julianne//
A sharp gasp left my mouth as my eyes shot open, something isn't right. My hand is spread out on top of the sheet instead of where it was when my eyes fell shut and I drifted to sleep - on Harry's warm, hard chest. I sit up quickly, realizing that he's gone and I'm literally alone in a place I have never been too prior to this day. I run a shaking hand through my hair, trying to push it away from my face. I throw the blankets off of myself and carefully put my feet on the floor.
"Harry?" I say in a normal tone, my eyes trialing to the bathroom. Unfortunately, he wasn't in there because the lights were shut off and the door is wide open, just like he left it before we lied down. "W-where are you?" I ask with a stutter, the cold air in the room is causing goosebumps to form on my exposed skin, all up and down my legs. I swallow the nervous lump forming in my throat, did he just leave me here all alone?
"Please.. if you're here let me know." I beg of him, God knows I can't handle this right now. It won't be long until the panic sets in and I lose my sanity, tears will stream from my eyes, and I will break down right here on the bedroom floor. I do not favor being alone, especially in a place I do not know anything about. My head turns in all directions, my eyes longing to find his presence in the room but I see nothing. My feet carry me to towards the staircase and I grab a hold of the railing as soon as I reach it. I lean over just slightly, enough to see downstairs.
"Harry?" I call out, my voice echoing in the cabin. I hold my breath, not wanting to miss a sound just in case there was one. After a few moments, in which he doesn't respond, I start to take deep breathes. "Are you downstairs?" I ask nervously, twisting a strand of my hair around my finger as I begin the journey down the staircase. My other hand clutches the rail as I step down each step, my eyes staring straight down so that I don't slip and fall. The moonlight crept in through all the windows, every curtain was pulled back, and it lit up the lower half of the cabin.
Suddenly, when I thought I had lost all hope, I get a glimpse of a small glow in the kitchen. I hurry down the rest of the stairs and quickly run into the kitchen. I come to a halt, my eyes widening as I see nothing but the illuminating light above the stovetop. Of course, I should have none this would happen, nothing ever goes well for me. "Harry." I mumble out, folding my arms on my chest, it's freezing down here. I really need him right now, more than ever I do believe. "Please." I mutter the word softly, even his strong ears couldn't pick it up I bet.
My knees are growing weak as I slowly trail back into the living room. Thanks to the heavy moonlight, I can clearly see the couch and the coffee table. The fireplace is in lack of a fire, which would be lovely at the moment. I take a huge, deep and slow breath, trying to calm my crazy nerves down. There is no need to overreact, perhaps he is outside. A lightbulb glows above me head, of course! The only place I forgot to look!
A smile spread to my chapped lips, thanks to the cool night air, as I hurry up the staircase. The way up seems like such a longer trip, but maybe it's because I have a beautiful present waiting up there. After what felt like an eternity, I reached the top floor and I automatically dashed to the pretty French doors on the back wall. I yank them open and step out into the night. "Harry!" There's an overly excited tone to my voice as I glance around the balcony looking for him but sadly he's not here. "Harry.." An uneasy frown took over my mouth, tears began to slip down my face - here come the pathetic waterworks.
Before I could gain any strength, I stumbled over my own two feet and fell onto my knees on the wood, the shirt of Harry's I have on is absorbing my fallen tears. I lift the collar of the shirt up to my nose, inhaling the wondrous smell of him. God, where has he gone to? Fear settles deep into my heart and soul as I hear rustling in the woods behind me. I screw my eyes shut and mumble a prayer to myself, why does everything bad happen to me?
"Please, God.. Bring him back.. to me.. I.. I can't take it.. I.. I need him." My lips hardly part as I speak these words to the man above me, I need his help more than ever right now. In some damn tree behind me, an owl sings a lonely song and I feel the shivers race rapidly through my body, all ending up in my already shaking heart. A heavy pounding filled my ears and I immediately cover them. "No, please." I cry out, my eyes shedding more water than the sea holds. I feel my body begin to rock slightly back and forth, my anxiety mixed with this insane fear is beginning to take me over entirely.
My wind pipe began to close up on me, my head is spinning, I can't fucking breathe. I tried to say something but it was so hard to even move my tongue at this point. I put one of my tingling hands loosely over my throat. My shoulders began to ache and my heart was racing. Gasping for air, I squeezed my eyes shut as tight as I could, tears rolling off my jaw and onto the floor. I'm losing it.
A spark flew in my heart as I imagined Harry's sweet voice saying my name one last time before my heart explodes. I heard it again, and again. I tried my very best to smile and think of him - hoping that it would calm me down but damn it, it only made it all worse. My body was shaking fully now, immense fear washing throughout my veins.
All at once, I feel a warmth engulf me and a tight grip was given to my body. I was lifted from my spot on the balcony floor, but I don't know where I'm being placed.
"Julianne." My heart recognized that beautiful voice through all of my pain. I try to lift my head but I find that I am confined, my face pushed into his chest. Those strong arms stopped me from rocking back and forth, hands pressed into my back to keep me still. "It's okay baby, I'm right here." Harry's smooth voice flowed through my body, my breathing is beginning to go to normal now and my heart isn't as racing as fast. I feel my airway loosen, words forming in my mouth before I could even comprehend it. "Why did you leave me?" I blurt out against his hot, damp skin.
His large hand touched the back of my head, fingers sliding into my hair. "I had to hunt.. I wasn't gone long, I thought you'd.. I thought you'd stay asleep." Harry said breathlessly, his hand keep my head buried into his hard chest. I don't mind, it makes me feel safe. "Why were you crying, doll?" He questions in a soft, gentle voice. I pull my arms from between us and slide them around his torso. That's when I realized I was on his lap, legs wrapped around his waist. I hadn't even noticed, I was in so much shock. "Sc-scared.. didn't kn-know where y-you where." The sobbing returns and the droplets fall from my eyes even faster than before. Harry's arms squeeze me tight, chin on the top of my head.
"I'm so sorry, baby. I didn't even think about you waking up. Please don't cry." His heavy hand pets my hair, trying to soothe me. "I didn't m-mean to.. t-to have a pan-panic a-a-attack." My words are extremely stammered but I realize that I'm still trying to recover from my intense attack. "It's alright, darling. I'm here now and we can go back to sleep. Does that sound nice?" Harry's calming voice brings a warmth to my chest, a smile to my lips, and a beautiful memory in my mind. "Please."
//Harry//
Julianne's sleeping body has my arms secured around it, her pretty face hidden in my chest and her arms linked around my torso. My sweet love, she's been through so much and I just can't seem to make it any better. It was too soon - I shouldn't have left her alone. My actions are reoccurring in my mind, driving me insane as I remember the way I found her.
It was a few minutes past midnight when my stomach growled. At first, I attempted to ignore it - but my teeth were shifting, my fangs were coming out, a harsh reminder that I'm not fully human and my body needs more than just a glass of water before bed. I had to carefully slide my arms from around her precious body. I lied her head on the pillow, it was previously against my chest. She didn't stir, not one little inch, and I figured she would last an hour without me. I pulled the cover up to her shoulders, tucking it around her and giving her a kiss on her slightly sweaty forehead. I cracked a window before exiting down the stairs, I didn't want her to get too hot in there.
Within minutes of leaving, I was walking through the woods searching for a nice meal. I took down a deer quickly, then I had to search for more. My body was craving it, I had to get the energy circulating inside of me. Twenty minutes passed, three deer later, and I found myself chasing after a nosy bear. I would have gotten it if it weren't for my sense of hearing. I quickly picked up on Julianne's voice calling my name out, requesting that I show myself. I should have known better than to leave her alone, especially when there was no one else there. At least I have some reassurance when we're at home, I can leave and know for sure that someone will watch after her for me until I return. But not tonight, no that wasn't an option.
I ran through woods, dodging trees and fallen logs. My pace wasn't as fast as I can go, but it was quick enough. The long strides quickly brought me to the tree line just behind the cabin. I had to stop at the edge of the woods and phase myself back, I couldn't enter the cabin as a wolf - one reason, I would probably scare the hell out of her, and two I couldn't open the door..
Once I had regained my human self, I ran into the house, slamming the door behind me. I glanced in the kitchen, she wasn't there. I did a quick run through the living room, she wasn't there either. I stopped at the bottom of the stairs, my ears tuning out the rest of the world and focusing on her, my nose picked up her scent - at least I knew she was inside the cabin and she hadn't ran off into the woods looking for me. She's too afraid of the dark to do that.
Quickly, I ran up the stairs and saw that the bedroom was empty - the covers were thrown wild on the bed and the balcony doors were wide open. I darted in that direction, hearing her sobbing and whimpering just a few feet away from me. When I reached the balcony, I looked down to witness my beautiful angel shaking and crying, her nails scratching at her throat and her fingers tugging at her hair. I thought she had lost all of her sanity, but then I realized I had watched her do this before through her window, I've seen it several times. She wasn't dying, despite probably feeling that way, she was panicking.
I jumped from my thoughts as I felt a small tap on my collar bone, her body shifting slightly in my arms. I press a kiss to her forehead before opening my mouth, "Are you alright, darling?" I say with a soft voice, I didn't want to frighten her any. She grunts lightly, adjusting the arm that laid under me, her hand on the small of my back. Her fingertips trailed over my collarbone before stopping at the base of my throat. "Why is your heart beating so fast?" Julianne asks in a mutter, her heated breath warming my skin up.
The lump that began to form in my throat was quickly pushed down, there was no need for me to be shy about it or be a coward. "I was just thinking about what happened." I confess, lips lingering on her hair line. She flattens her hand on the upper portion of my chest, she's shivering lightly from the coldness floating in the room. "It was just.. a panic attack." She sighs out as if it was simply nothing to it. She was completely wrong. "Yeah, and it fucking scared me." I admit, my eyes fall shut and I clench my jaw, how could she just assume it's no big deal at all? It had be fucking terrified, I thought I was going to die myself.
"I'm fine now." She reminds me, soft lips against my skin. "Now.. This time.. " I murmur, not really wanting to cause an argument but I wanted her to hear me out on this one. Things usually don't worry me, but if they involve her then they fucking do. "Please.. don't." She whispers as the tip of her index finger brushes patterns on my skin. My lips close, I don't feel like speaking on the topic anymore, but I keep them pressed against the top of her forehead, my nose burying into her soft hair. "Harry." She breathes out, lips placing a small kiss to my skin shortly afterwards.
Once again, I do not say a word and keep my lips sealed. I have personally declared that I am done with this conversation, and I meant it. Her hand slides up to the side of my neck, I have found that she likes doing that. Maybe it's because of the warmth, or perhaps because of the intimacy of the action. Whatever the reason, I love it when she does it. Her small, cold, and usually shaking palm pressing against my neck gives me such a beautiful feeling in my heart, the love I hold for her has grown so deeply into my soul, and has risen up through my heart - the roots tangling my organs up. God, she has me wrapped around her little finger, and I wouldn't want to have it any other way.
"You're mad at me." She states, a sadness is in her voice, I just know those sweet lips are formed to a frown. That wondering hand ends up at the nape of my neck, her fingers twirling pieces of my hair around. "No, baby. I'm not." I sigh to her - great, now she's going to think I fucking hate her because I didn't answer her moments ago. "Yes you are. I'm sorry, m'so stupid." Julianne's words cut through my heart, she should never think of herself that way. I lean back to look at her. She lifts her head from out of my chest and those light eyes stare up at me in the slight darkness. The moon's light made it easier to see on her behalf, since I can already see better in the dark than she can.
"You are not stupid, baby. And I'm not mad. I just don't want to discuss it right now." My temper was slightly increasing, but I know I must calm myself down. I can't lash out on her, especially now while we're out here alone and there's no one to hold me back. I fear that one day, God forbid, I might actually lose all sanity and hurt her really badly.
To my utter surprise, Julianne stirred in my arms and wiggled herself free of me. I didn't stop her as she rolled onto her side, her back now facing me and a good four inches separated us. I fall onto my back, my eyes closing and a disappointed sigh slipping out of my mouth. How could I be so mean? Maybe I didn't realize it - she takes things so differently than I do and the oddest things hurt her feelings, like me being a complete jackass towards her. I throw my hands over my face, groaning loud into my palms as it all starts to sink in: I've fucked up.
My arms fall to my sides and I swallow the lump in my throat, how could I do this to her? I love her so much, I do not want to see her mad at me. Just out of curiosity, to see if she is willing to trust me right now, I turn my head on the pillow and reach over to her, the ends of my fingers brushing the small of her back - her shirt has risen up and some skin is showing. Unfortunately, she scoots further away from me and tugs the blankets up to her neck. Great, just fucking great.
"Julianne, baby, don't be this way. I'm sorry I.. I just don't like talking about things that make me worry." I shock myself when I blurt out this confession of mine. It is true, I hate having to talk about something that worries the hell out of my mind, and Julianne's issues are on the top of that list. Her heart beat has calmed down now and her breathing pattern is average - she's asleep. "I'll make it up to you, I promise." I shift over and rest my weight on my elbow.
I push her hair out of her face and lean down to her cheek. I plant a few kisses there, hoping and praying that she felt them correctly. I tuck the covers in around her peaceful body, she's my angel - even when she's upset with me. Despite her actions and her sleeping arrangements, I didn't turn away from her. I could never see myself sleeping with my back to her, that creates even more panic for me and my heart. I keep my hands to myself, but I do shorten the distance by a few inches.
Turns out I'm not really good at the whole 'boyfriend' thing.
*+*+*
The cozy cabin is holding such an amazing aroma - homemade pancakes, bacon, and fresh fruits. My attempts at fixing my careless mistake are going along good, so far. I wrote her a sweet note and laid it on her bedside table, maybe she'll open it. I also laid out some clothes for her at the end of the bed, hopefully she won't flop around and knock them into the floor. Just my luck, though.
I sit the last of the pancakes onto the plate and slide them into the oven just to keep them warm for the time being. I turn my attention to the skillet full of bacon now so that I do not overcook any of it. I flip a few pieces over onto the opposite side, my mind wondering off to what occurred hours ago. It was never my intention to hurt her. Even though I have been calling this a 'hurting' situation, I have come to believe that I didn't hurt her fragile feelings, but instead I simply pissed her off.
Last night was the first night in a long while that I hardly slept. The nervousness that my body contained last night was so intense, I have never been that nervous before. I assume it was because of Julianne and the fact she didn't even want me to touch her last night, when just hours previously we had our naked bodies pressed together. It gave me an aching feeling in my heart, it hurt more than words ever could. When she shied away from my touch - in the past she had only done that when she was frightened by me. Lately, she hasn't been afraid of me, so I know it wasn't that reason. She was just mad, and I can't seem to understand exactly why.
The sound of a groan distracted me from my thinking. I looked over my shoulder, but I saw no one. I figure I heard her above me in the bed - probably waking up or stirring around up there. I push aside my previous thoughts and continue cooking the food for her. I hope she's hungry when she comes down, if she comes down that is.
Before long, I hear the patter of her feet against the ground, the sound coming closer and closer to me by the second. I turn off the stove top after getting the rest of the bacon out of the pan. I sit the skillet into the dish water, immediately wanting to get the grease off of it so it won't be a hassle to clean later on. I move down the counter to the sink once I slide the plate of back into microwave to keep it warm. I turn on the tab and pour some soap into my palm.
I can both sense and hear her behind me - heavy breathes, steady heart. Yet, despite knowing she's there, I don't say a word and I simply ignore her. I have apparently decided that I won't be the first one to speak today, if she wants to talk to me then she gladly will, or else we'll be in silence all day long and I'm certainly fine with that. Perhaps I have started to overreact about the situation, I know it's entirely wrong to disregard her, but at the same time I know I'm only curious to see if she is willing to speak first or not.
Once I dry my hands off, I reach into the cabinet and grab two plates out. I sit them on the counter and head towards the stove. Julianne still hasn't moved from her spot and I have this heavy thing weighing on me, telling me she probably won't leave that spot. Once again, I brush off the thoughts and carry on with my actions. I place two pancakes on each plate, she doesn't eat much - which worries the living hell out of me - so I don't want to pile on a bunch to the plate just for it to go to waste. I add the bacon next, just a few pieces.
I grab both of the full plates and make my way to the small table that sat in the middle of the table. I sit a plate in front of each chair. I lick my lips absentmindedly, as I often do, the same moment my eyes lift up to catch her stare. I tear away my contact before I had a mere chance to get attached, this isn't my fault and I'm not going to make it seem that way either. She got upset with me and she can do as she pleases, meaning she can speak to me if she'd like or not, I don't really care about it anymore. Even though it's eating my alive from the inside out..
The thing I do to distract myself is grab two glasses from the cabinet and then get the orange juice from the refrigerator. I fill the cups up and place them on the table as well. For the second time, I caught a glimpse of her - the only different is that this time I looked for a bit longer. I turn away, going to put up the juice carton and grab the bowl of fruit instead. She was just standing there, arms by her side, her bottom lip caught between her teeth and her eyes hardly opened - sleep still slowing on her. Her hair is a wreck, but it's quite adorable, and her cheeks are flustered. She's still only in my shirt, that on its own drives me mad.
I grip the edge of the bowl tightly in my hand, refusing to turn to face her again because I know if I do I might just collapse and throw away this entire silent treatment shit. I could never ignore her completely, she's all I live for and all I can think about constantly. Everything I do I do for her and I can't fucking stand the silence. The one and only thing keeping me sane is the assurance that her heart is beating - loud and proud, pounding in her chest. At times, like this one, I often wish I couldn't hear like that, that I didn't have these enhancements.
Frankly, I don't want to do this anymore - I can't handle the suffocating silence floating in the room, drowning me. My feet carry me to the table where I drop off the bowl of fruits. Without stopping, I continue over to where she stands, eyes watching me closely. Her head tilts back as I approach her, my height soaring over her own. My eager hands grab her waist and I guide her even closer to me, our bodies pressing together. Before I could make another move, her small hands slide around me, going straight to the small of my back. Her forehead falls against my chest, small breaths hitting onto my skin.
My arms snake around her waist, keeping her in place in my tight hold. I lean down slightly and press a kiss to the top of her head. "Good morning, my love." I'm the one to break the hard silence, it drops and shatters onto the tiles. Julianne nuzzles her face in to my chest, despite already being as close as possible. "G'morning." She mutters back, that beautiful voice filling my ears. My lips shape into a smile, her voice makes my heart flutter. At first I thought I made be reliving what happened last night because I swear I hear sniffling, but sadly it was real and was happening right now.
I pick my hand off her back and press it against the back of her head, petting her hair softly because I know she likes it. "Don't cry, baby." I whisper to her, feeling her warm tears seep into my bare skin. She doesn't listen to me though, the sobbing begins and I feel her growing weak in my arms. "Shh, it's okay my darling." I try to assure her this and it seems to not be enough to fix her. Her fingernails dig into my skin, and I can't hold back the wince - she's got sharp nails. "I.. I'm so.. mean.. t-to you." Julianne cries out, shaking her head lightly at me. I sigh out, this is the last thing I thought would happen.
She beat me to the front of the line, not letting me even reply to her. "I th-thought you.. were-were g-gonna be gone.. and you.. w-would l-leave me for-forever." She sobs even harder, her body shaking in my arms as she lets the flood gates open, tears covering my skin. "Everything is okay, baby. I'm right here. I'd never leave you." What I said sounded really stupid and false since I obviously did leave her. But I hope she can see past that and realize that I mean I would never leave her behind. I could never just up and leave from this place, I would never do that to her. It would kill me.
"Promise?" She said, her words muffled by my chest. Her small hands crawl up to my shoulder blades, holding on tight. I hiss just slightly as she uses her fingernails to anchor herself. "I promise." I breathe out, my eyes closing as I feel her soft lips press kisses against my skin. She'll be the death of me, whether I like it or not.
*+*+*
//Sophia//
"He won't try it." Liam mumbles out, rolling his eyes at Perrie as she presented her assumption. "And why not?" She says, throwing her hands in the air. I keep my mouth shut because really it's none of our business what Harry chooses to do and what he decides upon. If he ever found out we were discussing this, he might go crazy on us. "Because, they just started to use their tongue when they kiss. They're not gonna fuck anytime soon." Niall blurts out, but I know that's exactly what Liam would have said anyways.
Perrie groans for the fifth time in the past five minutes, this conversation has gone on for far too long. "That doesn't matter. Zayn and I done it a week after we first kissed. And Sophia and Liam only lasted a few weeks before they did it." Perrie reminds of these things we all are aware of. I sigh out, pinching the bridge of my nose, the stupidity of some people just irritates me.
"Harry's not going to do that to her. He holds a high respect for the girl. It'll be a year before he does that." Liam says, shaking his head in disbelief at Perrie's thoughts. We don't own the right to bet on when Harry and Julianne will fully commit to each other and it's surely no one's business but theirs. I, for one, don't care what he does but this conversation is forcing me to intervene and call out my own opinions. "Respect is nothing. As soon as he gets a boner he's gonna want to do it!" She claims, laughing slightly at her use of words.
"He's been hard around her before, and he clearly hasn't done anything to solve it! Nothing but a wank." Niall shouts out, he seems upset about the fact we're discussing this and I'm on his side of things. It's seriously nothing we should be concerned with. "You've got to picture it this way, Perrie." I say, scooting myself to the edge of the stool, my elbows digging into the island. She raises her brows, ready to be lectured.
"Harry was born way before you and I were. Back then they done things very differently." I start, hoping that this won't take entirely too long to explain but something is screaming at me, telling me it will. "His mum held high standards, Perrie. She didn't want her son to go whoring 'round. She also told him to wait on that one person because one day she will come along. And Harry waited hundreds of years for the girl and he found her." Liam cuts in but I don't mind, maybe the three of us can work together to throw some sense into Perrie's mind.
"And Julianne has been through Hell and back.. Harry told me he wanted to love her, take care of her, and treat her right. He doesn't want to just fuck her and change her. He's got a shit ton of love for the girl.. he's not going to ruin it." Niall adds on, shrugging lightly afterwards. "She's full blooded human and he-" Niall's quick to cut her off, "So were you." Perrie sighs deeply, she hates being wrong and today is certainly going to piss her off.
"Being human has nothing to do with it." I breathe out, my patience with them is beyond gone. "I thought you would understand." Niall groans, running a hand through his hair before continuing, "When Harry lost his mum he lost all hope in the world.. Do you not remember when he left for weeks at a time? Just to go stand in the woods behind that girl's house to fucking make sure she was okay." Niall usually isn't the one to be serious, but I can tell this is bugging him.
"Then why didn't he get her then? He apparently doesn't love her that much." Perrie furrows her brows. Liam slides his stool back and huffs, throwing himself against the back door. I flinch as I hear him growl, he's really mad right now and Perrie isn't helping by saying stupid things. "Don't you think he fucking wanted to?! He couldn't Perrie. He made a promise to her mother and he wasn't going to break it." Niall turns away from her, trying to refrain from lashing out. "Okay, whatever. That has nothing to do with them having sex." She claims with a shake of her head.
"What Harry does is nothing we should be concerned about." I tell her, trying to calm everyone down but it's not working. "He's our Alpha! Everything he does-" She stops as I hold my hand up, she's very wrong with that one. "You're right. But that doesn't include what he does with his mate. That's his private business, just like it is ours when it comes to our mates. I suggest you stop talking about it."
*+*+*
//Julianne//
Breakfast was nice, quite, and peaceful. Harry and I have solved the foolish issue that went on too far and caused such unnecessary things. At the moment, I'm sitting on the couch snuggling with a fluffy throw blanket while Harry is tidying up the kitchen and such. The show I'm currently engrossed in is a crime investigation show. This episode hits close to home for me - the father attacked and murdered the mother and then kidnapped the children. I nervously bite onto my lip as I keep my focus engaged on the screen while attempting to ignore Harry's groans of swears from the kitchen after something hit the ground.
The federal agents on the show were willing to risk their very own lives to save those children. I felt a pinch in my heart as the children in the backseat of the car quietly discuss their mother, despite the father's threats of hurting them if he heard them make a sound. I flinch and raise the blanket over my eyes as the father starts to lash out on them, I do not like this kind of things and unfortunately I cannot find the remote.
"Julianne, are you okay?" Harry's voice invades the room, I'm thankful that he's loud because he's drowning out the sound of the crying children. I lower the blanket from my face and jump slightly in my skin as I see his emerald eyes staring down at me. He's blocking the television screen, oh thank goodness for that! I nod lightly a few times, not sure how to speak on this. Harry looked over his shoulder at the screen before those beautiful eyes roam back to me.
He leans down, a hand reaching for my cheek, the other touching against my elbow. "I'll change it." He whispers to me before his lips fall onto my forehead, softly pressing onto my skin a few times. I smile at the warmth filling my veins, he does wondrous things to my body. Harry straightens back up and turns his broad, muscled back to me. I watch him pick up the remote which was in the middle of the table - of course I didn't even see it though - and he starts to flick through the channels.
I lick my lips as I admire the way his arm flexes, even with the simple motion of pressing a button. The muscles in his back contract and move around as he leans down to put the remote back on the table. I look away quickly as he turns to face me once again, I didn't want him to know I was staring at his glorious body, toned muscles, and tan skin. "Ten more minutes then I'll come sit with you. I'm gonna put our dirty clothes in the washing machine." He informs me, a hand flirtatiously brushing against my knees as he walks back, eyeing me before letting one fall into a wink. My cheeks flush and I'm glad he's out of my view, perhaps he didn't catch it but I bet he did.
Harry changed the show to a cartoon with a little yellow square who apparently lives underwater in a piece of fruit. I smile at the cuteness of the show, the things people come up with these days. I never really watched television as I child, I had a t.v. in my room but I usually just watched movies I had because that's what my mother loved to do. When I did start watching it more I was a teenager and cartoons weren't my thing. A laugh passes through my lips as one of the side characters says something a tad too mature for the childish show.
The show suddenly goes to commercial, making me sigh. Of course, as soon as I get interested in something it just goes away. I roll my eyes to myself, it's just a show and it'll be back on in a few minutes. I lean my head against the back of the couch, the leather is cold against my skin. I hear the washing machine door shut, apparently it's under the staircase of something along those lines. I don't know. Harry told me earlier but I wasn't really listening to him, plus he was in the other room and I'm hard at hearing, unlike him.
A vibrating sound distracted me, my head snapping up and my eyes searching for the source. Immediately, I see the screen of Harry's phone glowing on the coffee table. Curiosity gets the very best of me and I lean up, the blanket falling to my lap from my chest. I reach forward and carefully grasp it in my hand. I bring it closer to me and look down at the screen, he had a few unread messages. I glance over my shoulder, just to make sure he wasn't there, and thankfully he isn't, before I slide open the screen - there is no passcode or anything on it. So that has to mean he has nothing to hide, right?
I navigate through the sliding screens until I see the message icon. I tap on it and it pops up, taking over the screen now. I bite my lip intensively as I click on the first name I see with an unread message.
From Niall (9:42 am)
Got loads to tell you when you get back. Perrie thinks your gonna fuck Julianne! Ha. Can't wait to see your face when we tell you the rest.
My eyes widen as I read over the words Niall sent to Harry's phone. How could Perrie just assume that would happen when it will certainly not! I swallow the nervous lump in my throat as I read it over one more time, just to make sure it said that. And it did. The vibration startles me suddenly as the device goes off in my hand, a new message from Niall. I don't hesitate to read it either.
From Niall (9:44 am)
But don't stress over it, mate. Enjoy ya away time, ya need it!
I close Niall's messages and guide my way to the others. I see the next person, so I click it and there are a few messages there that I assume are still unread. I take a deep breath, preparing myself for what is to come because after Niall's words I no longer know what to expect.
From Liam (9:41 am)
So turns out Perrie believes you have other intentions than what you told us.
From Liam (9:42 am)
We got her ass though, told it was disrespectful and shit like that. She's still convinced otherwise though, you know how that goes.
From Liam (9:44 am)
Are there enough groceries out there? If not I can run to the store and pick you up some stuff and drop it by. Wouldn't be a hassle, let me know mate.
Liam was definitely more moderate than what Niall had to say. At first I thought I heard Harry coming, but when I looked I saw no one so surprisingly I carry on with my actions. I go to the next person and casually start to read the message as if they were sent to me instead of Harry.
From Louis (9:43 am)
Perrie informed us of your plans! Ha, enjoy that mate. Bout time you got some. Be safe!
I roll my eyes at this, they are so immature and childish. Harry would never force me in something I am not ready for or don't want to do, and frankly I am neither ready nor willing to do that any time soon! I love Harry, but that is a big jump and I just can't do that right now.
"Did you find it?" That deep, raspy voice frightened me, making me toss the phone onto the couch beside me. I look up to find Harry standing in front of me, arms crossed on his strong chest and eyes strained on me and only me. He looks extremely unpleased with what I have done. I swallow harshly, "Did I find what?" I question, furrowed brows on my forehead - I'm trying to play this out, act like I have no clue what he's referring to but I know it will fail. He saw me as bold as day, scrolling through his phone and reading those messages.
"Whatever it is you were looking for." He shrugged lightly with just one shoulders, eyes still focused on me. I look down, his thick thighs in my new interest now. "I.. I didn't mean to." I mutter out, not having to worry about the volume of my voice, it was both a trick and a treat. It was great for when he's away from me and I need him, like last night, yet it's torture for moments like these, when I don't want to speak at all. "How did you not mean to? People don't just pick up someone else's phone and go through it." Harry gives me a sarcastic laugh as he snatches his phone from the cushion.
I bring my hand up to my face, resting my chin in my palm as I anxiously nibble on my fingernails. "Do you not trust me? Do you think I'm doing something behind your back?" Harry asks, throwing his hands dramatically into the air. I lift my eyes, and only my eyes, to watch him overreact in front of me. "Because I'm fucking not!" Harry adds, his booming voice echoing in the cabin. "I do trust you and.. No. I just.. heard it go off on the table." I say, my voice is weak and shaky. He's caught me in the act and I feel horrible, like a criminal. "Yeah, on the table, where it should have stayed." Harry sits the phone back on the table and starts the trail away from me.
"Whenever you're done being nosy.. I'll be on the balcony with some tea. Until then, you might as well read the rest of them." Harry's harsh words have my lips quivering, I didn't intend to do this and I thought he wouldn't even notice it. "No, actually I'll take it with me." I hear Harry's feet hit against he floor as he comes back this way. I hold my breath and shy away from him as he gets closer. Thankfully, he doesn't try to touch me. Instead, he grabs the phone from the table and turns back around, not paying me any attention. Great, just great. We have overcome one mountain just to find this stupid one right under us.
Once again, it's all my fault.
I'm not really doing well at the whole 'relationship' thing.
Maybe it was the fear of him yelling at me again that led me out the front door and down to the pier, or perhaps it could have been my want and need to escape the intense environment for a while. I have witnessed Harry lash out on others, Liam is a good example to use, and it really does circulate in my mind every time he raises his voice at me. I know I deserve it, but it frightens me.
My feet hang off the each and sink into the water. I stare down at my knees, things were going so well. My mother taught me a ton of good lessons, but never did she teach me about love. I wasn't even aware that it could be this hard, this difficult to face. Until this point I didn't even think about it. I know my mother's love life wasn't extremely good, but I know one thing - she did love my father. Maybe not the man he had become, and definitely not the things he done, but she loved him. I do remember her telling me that everyone hides their true self deep down, tucked inside the tiniest crevice and that if you are ever able to find that fracture in someone's heart and yank them out, then you have accomplished the ultimate act of love and courage both.
Mom never told me it would be this hard, I never had the chance to experience the talk about maturity and such. Most kids hate talking about anything relating to sex with their parents, but I would have loved to received just a piece of information - just the slightest comment about it. Did my mother want me to wait until marriage, did she believe in that? Would there ever be a marriage for me? If I were to do the act before marrying, would she be ashamed of me? Would she judge me? Or would she understand?
Those messages scared me more than Harry's voice did. If they thought about it happening then it's a guarantee that Harry has thought about it, too. When I was still in school I always overhead everyone else speaking about that sort of thing, but I had never experienced it so I couldn't relate. What worries me the most is wondering if I make Harry happy or not. All those things I heard, the things they said to do and say, I don't do that. I don't partake in anything, the only major thing we've done was bathe together and even then I didn't look at him. My shy side took over, I hesitated at every thing last night.
What if Harry does want to do that with me? What if he's ready? What in the world would he think if I were to say I wasn't ready for it, that I had no clue on anything other than kissing? Would he shun me, leave me, and make me fend for myself in this crazy world, or would he understand and teach me? Harry doesn't have much experience either, I assume because that's what I've been told. But the difference between Harry and I is that he has lived a lot longer than I have and he has friends who are in relationships and I'm sure they discuss things that go on in the bedroom.
I yanked my feet out of the water as a fish unexpectedly swam under them, rubbing against my heels. It scared the hell out of me. I roll my eyes to myself, I'm so immature. I place my feet back into the water and lift my eyes, staring off at the sunrays hitting the water, making it glisten and sparkle. My attempt at trying to stay out of my thoughts is exhausting me already and I've barely began.
For some reason, I ignore my trying and slip back into my mind. Harry is the only person I truly trust one hundred percent, he's the only person I have ever loved this way, yet I do not even know how to please him if the time ever comes. I roughly push the pad of each index finger against my temples, a headache is forming and it's already hurting me. A groan leaves from my mouth as I run my hands through my hair, pushing it back and trying to get the messy waves out of my face - it was slightly damp when we went to sleep so it got wavy, which I hate. I tug lightly at my roots, despite knowing it won't relieve the headache one bit, only makes it worse.
Nature is supposed to calm your nerves and ease your aching, and when I was younger that is exactly what it done for me. But right now, in this terrible moment, it's coming close to killing me. It's most likely because when I think of nature I think of all my stupid mistakes as a child, which leads to Harry dashing in and saving me - even though I didn't know him then - and when I think of Harry my heart starts to violently pound and my hands and eyes both start to search for him, and he's not here right now.
If only I could go back in time and change my reaction to his ringing phone. I would leave it there, untouched until he returned to the room. Then, I would inform him on it and he'd check it and it would leave me wondering what it said, but I would be aware that I would never get to know. The next day I would forget about it and move on with our lives, probably happy and together - unlike we are now. I have seriously messed up this go around, he probably hates me.
I don't blame him, I really don't.
Notes
EXCUSE ERRORSIf you didn't catch the A/N at the top of the chapter -- from this point on all chapters will be long and packed full of stuff, and I know it seems like it's dragging and I'm sorry but just bear with me and trust me, it is going to be so amazing!
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6/24/19