We Took A Chance

I cried, I cried a lot for the next two hours laying curled up in bed. It was hard to stop but eventually the tears ceased on their own. Images of what happened earlier kept replaying over and over. Why am I so devastated when this is what I've wanted all along? I promised to never let Niall into my heart, but I never wanted to hurt him in the process.

My puffy eyes, still wet around the edges, struggled to look at the time on my phone screen. While adjusting the brightness, I notice the many Instagram notifications at the top. When I open the app there's a long list of follow requests, messages, and picture tags. My profile is private so I wonder why the sudden elevated interest from people. My thoughts immediately flow to Andrew, maybe he has something to do with it. He saw us at the park and right now I'm not sure to what extent he'd go.

I click around to see fan accounts were reposting and tagging me in the picture that Niall posted of us. He must have tagged me in it for them to have found me so fast. Even though Niall has told me it's best to not to get to involved in what his fan say, curiosity gets the best of me and I begin to read some of their comments.

@nialler_tomlinson: I'm so happy for Niall... Finally! Look at that smile.. :)
@megan_moos: That was taken like 15 minutes from my house omgomgomg! Dead.
@n1allh0r4n28: He looks so happy so I'm happy.

They were right, he looks happy... We look happy. If only they knew what's really going on. I realize it's time to get ready for dinner so I lock my phone and toss it next to me on the bed. I'll deal with instagram later when my head has cleared a bit. What am I going to say to my dad and Martha if, or when, Niall doesn't go with me to the dinner? I rub my face, trying to erase so many thoughts running through my head and instead get ready.

When I'm all ready to go, I check the time and look at the door. Niall really isn't coming so I ask the front desk to call me a cab to take me to the restaurant. I thought about crying more but that wouldn't solve anything and just ruin my makeup. I suck it up and hesitate at Niall's door, holding on to the small chance that he'll open it and we'll go to dinner together. I realize that's not going to happen and continue to the lobby.

It seems the restaurant was just a breath away from the hotel as next thing I know, we're outside. I pay the cab driver and exit, inhaling deeply before moving forward. I took steady breaths as I made my way inside, hoping to be able to tell my dad and Martha that Niall wasn't coming without bursting into tears. My feet were making their way to their table but all I could think about was their reaction and my dad's endless questions about why he wasn't here.

"Zoe, glad you made it!" my dad stands up from his chair to give me a kiss on the cheek and right after him Martha does the same.
"Of course I made it, dad. I want you to be happy." I say, my voice sounding somber.
"Honey, where's your friend Niall?" he asks the question I was dreading so much.
"Oh, dad, he's..." I hesitate a moment but was interrupted by that Irish voice I've grown to know so well.
"I'm sorry, I was parking the car." Niall says right from behind me, quickly shaking hands with my dad and kissing Martha on the cheek. My expression was probably rather confusing to everyone, but I couldn't believe my eyes. Niall actually came to dinner despite everything that went down earlier. Fuck, I don't deserve his love.

We all took a seat at the table to look at the menu. When Martha and my dad were reading theirs, I look to Niall who doesn't seem himself. He looks back at me, his blue eyes hold a sad expression. It kills me to know I'm the one he's upset over. I send a grateful smile his way, but he bows his head with his lips pressed tightly together and continues to look at the menu.

Aside from the tension between Niall and I, I can say the dinner was going great. Martha seems like a very laid back person, and she treats my dad so well. She'll never be my mom, but my dad will always be my dad and I want him to be happy. I apologized again for my behavior earlier and she was very accepting of it. My dad was acting much nicer to Niall and even more when they found out the both have an incredible love for sports. Once our plates were cleared, Niall and my dad became lost in their own conversation about who will win the Barclays league.

"Excuse me, I'm going to the ladies room. Zoe, want to accompany me?" Martha asks standing up with her clutch in her hand.
"Ok, excuse us." I say to the men at the table who nod and continue debating Leicester City's sudden success.

We walk towards the bathrooms at the back of the restaurant but instead of going in, Martha motions me to the seating area just outside the door. I'm confused but follow her to sit next to her.

"Zoe, what's going on?" her question taking me aback.
"What do you mean?" I ask then looking down hoping she's not talking about Niall.
"You and Niall. I know you say he's you "friend"," she quotes with her hands before continuing, "but his actions and your actions tell me otherwise. Today it's different, though. Did something happen? Was it because of your dad's questions?" she clearly has an eye for these things, but of course she would, she's a woman.
I sigh before starting, "It's... complicated. I mean, technically Niall is my friend and he actually confessed his feelings for me earlier but I can't..." I try to explain but my head is a jumbled mess.
"Zoe, how do you feel about him?" her questions makes my eyes go wide. I have never admitted to myself what I truly feel and it scared me. I tried to fight back the tears but I couldn't hold it in when I begin to speak.
"I... I like him so much it hurts." I sob bringing my hands to my face. Martha wraps an arm around my shoulders and slightly squeezes.
"So, what's the problem, Zoe? Tell him that." she says like it's so simple.
"Martha, I can't... I'm scared. I don't want to ever get hurt, I couldn't handle it." I say, more tears falling down my face.
"I know your parent's divorce must have been hard, but don't be afraid to love. You know that saying 'It's better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all'? It's true. You'll never know what could have been if you don't take a chance." it felt weird getting this advice from my dad's new girlfriend out of all people, but it was hard to deny that she was right. I can't guard myself by shutting out love. I'll just make myself miserable like I am right now.
"You're right, I need to give this a chance. I need to." I say more to myself than at Martha.

It was time to stop letting this fear control what I feel.

Notes

Feels.