THE DEATH OF YOU

A Year Ago:

When I leave the library it is dark. I haven't heard from Harry and I've tried calling but the call goes straight to voice mail. I look around the car park but he isn't here. I'm quite frustrated since it's late and cold and he isn't here or picking up my calls.
The car park is huge and empty and dark. Our flat isn't that far and I make up my mind to walk. If only I would have learned to drive I wouldn't count on him and his stupid rule as much. Every time I bring up learning to drive he goes on a runt about not trusting the drivers around. He has been so distant lately and distracted. When I ask him what is it he shakes his head with a grunt or kisses my cheek telling me not to worry.. Depending on his mood which is quite foul lately.
I exhale and stick my ear buds in turning the music on high, shutting out the noise around me. At least I’m enrolled in school again. I take a few classes in this little college. I hope to get into pre med someday and was told by the councillor that these classes will help.
I also got a job at this after school program with children in need. I'm glad I get to fill up my days while Harry is busy on the tracks. We've been here for almost a year now and I think he misses home. I know I do. Ed comes to stay with us whenever he is in the US and El and Perrie call frequently.
Sam and I speak every Sunday. Just last month Gemma was over visiting for a week which put Harry in the best of moods. However since she left he has been down.
I finally get home after a twenty minute walk. I shake out of my coat and hang it up.
"Harry?" I call out. The flat is dark and I'm not sure he is home yet. I put on the kettle for some tea and then check our bedroom. His shoes our thrown on the floor and he is spread on the bed asleep. I can't help but smile. He has been working so hard obviously he needs his sleep. I pace over and sit down tracing his cheek and pulling his hair out of his face. He is in need of a hair cut being it is long and shaggy. His eyes squeeze before they open finding my own.
"What time is it?" His voice is thick with sleep as he stretches. He brings his arm around me.
"It's 18:50 do you want some tea?" I question.
"When did you get home? How long was I out for- how did you get home?" He sits up, his mind catching up with the world.
"I got in a few moments ago.. I walked.." I touch the space between his eyes wanting to smooth out the lines of his frown.
"Fuck it Cass! We've been through this! You don't walk on your own! Not in the dark and not in America!" He growls Crossly.
"Well Harry, next time you better answer my call and texts! I've been trying to reach you but you went AWOL! So forgive me for not wanting to stand on my own in the scary and dark car park of the library!" I match his angry tone. I get up and leave the room hearing him mutter "Shit.."
I stride back to the small kitchen and get a mug out for my tea.
"Cass.. I'm sorry.. I shouldn't have fallen asleep.. I'm sorry I missed your calls and made you walk," he is stood at the entrance to the kitchen. He is wearing only sweat pants, his chest bare, his hair unruly and his eyes soft.
I cannot stay cross with him when he looks this way. I let out a sigh.
"Does this mean you forgive me?" He flashes me his crocked one sided smile and I roll my eyes since he knows very well I do.
"I want to learn to drive Harry," I tell him.
"Cassie!"
"Harry! You're crazy busy! You can't be running around taking me from one place to the other! It's not normal!" I exclaim finding my anger and frustration again.
"I can manage. . It's my problem," he claims stubbornly.
"Frankly it's not! And you know what?! It's not up to you! I can learn if I want to and you cannot stop me!" I decide to fight the matter.
"The hell I can! The Americans are crazy drivers Cass! I don't want you driving on the roads with them!" He raises his voice.
"Oh but it's alright for you?" I demand to know.
"I'm a fucking racer Cass! I'm a crazy driver myself!"
"Then I guess I shouldn't be getting in a car with you either!" I hiss.
"What the hell got into you? Are you on your period or something?"
"Screw you Harry!" I tell him pushing by him to our room, leaving my tea on the counter and slamming the door after me.
He can be such a dick sometimes! I cannot believe he thinks he can make up these decisions for me!
About 15 minutes later he knocks on the door. When I don't answer he opens it and peeks in.
"Can we not fight please?" He asks. He pushes in holding a fresh cuppa in his palms. He hands it over and a moment later I take it. He places himself beside me leaning on his thighs.
"What's going on Cass?" He questions.
"I think.. I think we should visit home.. Go on holiday or something.. You’re working too hard Harry and it is making you tense and sometimes even mean and I think you need a boost of friends and family.. I know I do," I whisper softly.
"You want to go back home?" He swipes his head, looking up at me.
"I want to visit back home.. There is a difference," I clarify.
"When?"
"I don't know. . Maybe next week? When can you take off?" I inquire.
He exhales in defeat.
"I can't this month," he finally says.
"Why?" I know for a fact there is a break with the racing coming up giving us the best opportunity.
"Because there is this new round of races coming up," he mutters.
"Excuse me?" I'm not sure I heard him correctly.
"Motorbike racing," he answers reluctantly.
"For god’s sake Harry! You must be joking!" I exclaim, getting to my feet.
"Can you calm down?! Damn it!" He throws the notebook by the bed to the floor in frustration. My eyes move from him to the stationery and then back to him.
"It seems to me you are the one that needs the calming down.." with that statement I leave the room leaving him behind. I pick up my phone from the kitchen counter, get my coat and leave the house.
I feel the tears slipping down, amazed I was able to hold them in this long. God what a prick he can be! I wipe at my tears and stride out of the building. I need some fresh cool air to let myself calm and think.
I love that idiot with my entire heart. I really do. And after all this time my heart still flips every time I glance at him not believing he is truly mine and yet he can really hurt me with his words. Lately things are so difficult and I'm not sure how to get over this rough patch. I need some tough advice and I know exactly the person who can provide me with it. It takes me time to find the email with the phone number on my phone. Once I do I dial.
"Well well.. look who it is," Sarah sounds as surprised as she could sound.
"I need your help," I cut to the chase.
"Wow.. Wait let me cherish this," she tells me.
"Sarah please," I beg which makes her quiet. My respire heard loud and clear.
"What's wrong Cass? Is everything alright?" She sounds concerned and I'm quite surprised and yet comforted.
"I know we kind of hate each other and you probably don't feel like listening to my problems, but I need some tough love kind of advice and you're the only person that can give it to me," I hurry to say.
"Cass.. I don't hate you.. Tell me what’s wrong," she says in a soft voice. I start crying again. And she waits my sobs out.
When I calm down I finally speak.
"Things are really hard lately. . And Harry is under so much pressure and it is making him angry and frustrated all the time and I wanted us to come visit but he won't since he just informed me he is taking on a motorbike race which is crazy! I don't understand how he can do such a thing its dangerous and reckless and he is mean when he's in a bad mood and I just-"
"Cassie stop making excuses for him! He shouldn't be mean to you no matter his condition! And if you two are in a real serious relationship then he should consult you before making such irrational decisions," she claims.
"I know.. I just-"
"No Cass- no just! He needs to treat you as an equal not as your boss! And if you want to come home and visit so do it! Even if he won't- show him he isn't the boss of you.." she states.
"Gosh who would have thought that speaking to you from all people would make me feel better," I chuckle.
"I'm glad! And if you decide to come for a visit I'll be waiting at the airport to drive you home," She promises.
"Thanks Sarah," I tell her.
"No problem Cuz.. Anytime."
I do feel much better, Sarah giving me the boost of confidence I needed. I inhale, taking a deep calming breathe and head back to the flat.
When I get in I find him sat at the table, keys in hand waiting. He looks up at me when I approach. He seems so cross, I compose myself not willing to give in to his anger. I take a seat in front of him my coat still on and my phone in hand.
"I was trying really hard not to go out looking for you," He says in anger.
"Good," I shrug.
"Fuck it Cassandra! It is not good! We have a fucking deal!! This is the second time today that you break it," he scolds me.
"Shut up! Just shut up!!" I raise my voice at him getting to my feet once more. He immediately goes silent, shocked by my outburst.
"I am not your poppet! You do not have the upper hand in this relationship Harry! We are equals! You cannot expect to tell me I cannot drive and cannot walk on my own and expect me not to do the same! If you can make decisions for me so can I for you! And if I don't want you motorbike racing then you damn won't!" I order him.
"Who the hell did you talk to?" He questions. His voice is surprisingly calm.
"Sarah," I confess.
"Sounds like her," he frowns.
I shrug again.
"Since when do you two not hate each other?" He inquires as if he is missing something.
"For a while," I lie.
"A while?" He raises his brows.
"You've been missing quite a lot lately Harry.. Maybe this should be an eye opener for you, " I suggest. He keeps quiet.
"Look.. I love you.. You know that.. But I'm also unhappy.. And I think you are too.. So you think about what I've just said and where we are going from here."
I push up and leave to our room. I take a quick shower and then climb into bed. I lay awake not able to fall asleep. A while later he comes in and gets into bed as well. I have my back to him. He pulls me to him, wrapping his arms around my waist holding me tight. He thinks I'm asleep because he whispers.
"I love you too baby.. And I will make it up to you for making you so unhappy.. But the motorbike racing is a done deal so you'll need to learn to live with it." He kisses my cheek and snuggles up against me.
He doesn’t see the tear that falls down my cheek.

Notes