THE DEATH OF YOU

Harry's POV

Kissing her feels like home, holding her feels like home, touching her feels like home. And then the spell breaks when she holds up her palm to my chest softly breaking away, her head turned down to our feet, not meeting my gaze.
"Cassie.."
"I'm with Austin now," she whispers.
Her cheeks are flushed and she is beautiful.
"I'm sorry," I pout, not sorry at all. I know she felt it- she must have. She is still stood so close I can see my own reflection in her eyes.
"Harry I can't. . I can't do this.. This is cheating," she says in a hushed voice, bringing her hand to clasp her mouth, and suddenly I feel bad for putting her through this.
"I know.. And I'm sorry.. I promise it won't happen again unless you ask for it.. But Cassie I need you! You help me remember! After yesterday.. Things started to come back.. I had these flashes and these dreams and I remember your home.. And that you get sick from milk.. And.. I remember.. I remember," but I don't finish because I can't. She is crying and I don't know why.
"Cass.. Baby, don't cry! I'm sorry! I won't touch you again I swear," I promise her, my heart catching at my throat.
"Why?" She sobs.
"Why?" I repeat after her, not quite following.
"Why did you do it? Why would you do such a stupid thing?" She cries.
"I said I'm sorry! I didn't know it will upset you so much- it would make you cry- I won't kiss you again," I furrow my brows. Why would a kiss set her off?
"No! Why did you take that bet? Why did you get on that bike? And what the hell possessed you to ride without the damn helmet! You promised me you'll never do that! You promised and you threw that promise in my face," her sobs catch and she needs to stop talking so she can breathe.
"I.. I don't remember.." I am frustrated. I cannot answer her, I cannot explain since I don't remember any of it. Fuck! Why the hell can I not remember the fucking accident?!
"We were so happy.. So in love.. And you almost got yourself killed and then it was as if I wasn't ever there.. You didn't know me.. You asked for Lola and you were evil and mean and not my Harry anymore," she wipes at her eyes and cheeks, but tears still fall and my chest hurts, the pain growing with every tear that falls to her cheek. I grab at her hands but she fights me so I catch her wrists and pull her to me. I hold her as she cries my own tears falling silently from my cheeks to her hair.
I don't know how long we stand that way but eventually she calms and pulls away.
"You've been holding all that in for a while haven't you?" I tilt my head at her.
"I couldn't say a thing while you didn't know who I was and couldn't give a shit about it, how could I? Who would it have helped? I was a nobody to you" she sighs.
"Feel any better?"
"Not really," she exhales.
"I broke a promise to you?" I inquire, wanting to understand better. She nods.
"Can you tell me about it?"
We start walking on the tracks.. Strolling along before she starts her story.
"Do you remember how we met?" She questions.
"I have glimpses of memories. . I remember a coffee shop.. I remember your hands," I reach out to hold one but pull back right before my skin comes in contact with hers.
"You got me sacked from that coffee shop," she smirks.
"Sounds like me.. Can you tell me about it?"
"I was walking back home from work and suddenly crashed to the ground.. All my belongings got scattered.. And then you pulled me back up. I remember being shocked at how easy it was for you as if I had no weight... you looked me up and down, smiled and then ran off," she eyes me.
"I just left you there?" I rub my temples trying to remember.
"Yes.. Well the police was after you," she explains.
"Fuck! Seriously?"
"Yes.." she giggles.
"You took a danish from one of them.. And I had no Idea who you were then.. One of the policeman helped me collect my things and asked if I want to press charges.. Thinking back maybe I should have done," she bumps into me playfully.
"The next day you come waltzing into the coffee shop, jumping over the counter and checking my injuries."
"So that's what got you sacked.."
"No.. You almost killed my boss for pushing me," I mumble.
I nod, knowing I probably would have, feeling like killing him now just by hearing the story over again.
"You remember being on Alan Carr? You and Ed were quite funny and you spoke about us," she pulls out her phone. She walks over to the far wall and leans back on it as she slides down to a sitting position. I join her and she plays the film on her small screen.
I seem so happy, and my eyes are lit as I speak of her. Ed and I seem like brothers and we make the crowd laugh. I loved her so much and yet I didn't remember her. What the hell is wrong with me?
The video ends and I keep silent. She hands me her phone and I look down at our photo. I stare at it for a while. I'm in a suit and tie and she- she is stunningly beautiful in a pink dress. I swipe my finger over the screen to get to the next photo. We are both laughing in each other's arms, someone catching us and sending the photo to Cassie. The next one is of us kissing. I have a sudden flashing memory of us together. Her first time.
"I was your first," I state. I note her cheeks flush, loving the colour.
"You were my first in many things," she whispers softly.
"Have you ever.. With him?" I question needing to know. Needing to be sure I am her only one, wanting it so badly to stay that way.
Her fingers jump to the ends of her hair, twisting a strand as she turns bright red. To my relief she shakes her head.
"Good," I'm glad, and by the look in her eyes I think she is too, however it might just be wishful thinking.
"How long have you and Austin been together?" I ask.
"A couple of months," she replies.
"How did you come across each other?" I want to know as much as I can.
She lets out a soft laugh.
"He knocked me to the ground," she finally says.
"Are you joking?" I am sure she is playing me, but she is dead serious.
"I thought it has to be fate you know? Happening again? He too didn't let it be.. Kept pestering me to let him buy me a coffee," she says.
"I pestered you?" I raise my brows.
"Yep, but in a different way," she pushes off the wall getting to her feet.
I follow suit.
"You refused to let me walk home alone for some reason," she goes on. I can't help but smirk. Sounds like me, god knows I didn't want her travelling on her own the other day.
"You were very strict about it.. If you couldn't fetch me you'd have someone else doing it," she glances up at me.
"I get worried," I explain.
"Maybe.. though controlling was more like it." A pang of hurt is what I feel. She thinks I'm controlling.
"Did you hate it that much?"
"No! Not at all.. Sometimes maybe.. But knowing you care so much for my well being meant the world to me," she touches my arm for a slight moment. My skin prickles at her touch, wishing it would linger.
"You won't walk alone and I will always wear a helmet," I repeat my words from the other day.
"Yes. One day we were all at the shack and you got so cross with me for not telling you I bumped into Ben and you left to find Eleanor to tell you what happened since I refused.. You left your helmet behind and it was pouring rain.. I was so scared something would happen to you, so when Louis dropped me home I decided to walk the whole way to your flat to make sure you made it home whole," she looks up at the dark sky.
"The whole way in the rain!"
"Yes.. You and Ed were not too happy with that decision. . However we had this yelling match and came up with the rule of you never riding that bike without a helmet or a car without a seatbelt while I would never walk home alone at night," she finishes.
"That was the night Ed wrote the song about us," I suddenly remember and the dots connect. It all makes sense.
"Yes!" Cass clutches my hand, excited I remember.
"I remember you were so upset with me... and wet from the rain," I nod that story coming together as my own memory.
"What else can you remember?" Her eyes full with hope.
"Not much love.. Whatever I do remember are a jumble of strings in my mind and it’s so hard to unravel them all and make sense of them.. But you understand why I need your help now? You can help by finding one end and freeing the other," I catch her hands in mine holding them together. She nods a few times before talking again.
"Yes.. I understand.. But you need to promise me.. No one can know about this.. if it gets back to Austin.. I don't want to hurt him.. And after the other day.. I don't think he is so secure," she explains.
I promise I'll keep my mouth shut but secretly I'm happy. If he isn't secure there must be a reason. He knows what I know. The reason their relationship hasn't moved forward is because Cassie still loves me. She is still in love with me which leaves no room for him.
We start walking back to my bike.
"I cannot believe you still ride this Harry," she points at the bike.
"She's a good bike.. I know her well.. And I've learned my lesson.. Believe me."
I have the scares to remind me every day of what I have been through and the jumbled memories.
I hand Cassie her helmet. This time I let her put it on herself. When she is ready I pick her up onto the bike, the gesture feeling familiar to me.
I do my best to drive carefully so I don't scare her. It is late when I stop outside her house. I get off the bike and walk her to the door.
"You have no idea how much this means to me Cass," I whisper to her.
"I'll do whatever it takes to help you remember Harry.. I promise," she replies. And for some reason I believe her. I offer a smile and she matches it with her own. Then, she walks into her home, closing the door, leaving me alone.
I drive back to my flat. The lights are on, letting me know Ed is still up.
I drop the helmets onto the coffee table and then my keys.
"We need to get a bigger place mate, I need my own bed," he sits up.
"Darling.. Fancy sleeping with me tonight? We can hold hands," I wink at him.
"Are you going to hold me the entire night?" He questions.
"If you promise not to talk and snore my ear off," I make him a deal.
"So how did it go?" he asks.
"I remember the night you wrote the song.. I forgot the helmet and she walked the whole way on her own.. In the rain," I sit on the table facing him.
"What else?" He leans his chin onto his palm listening attentively.
"Not much more.. It’s all a mess up here," I point to my head.
"Not much change then before the accident mate," Ed shrugs.
"You're wrong. . Much did change.. I realize I should have never let her go! I will find out what happen and I will fix it.. I will get her back."

Notes