THE DEATH OF YOU

When I wake Harry is asleep beside me. I wonder if anyone tried to kick him out. If so they were stupid to try. They would never win against him. Sarah and Sam are asleep on their chairs as well. It is dark in the room aside from the monitor lights and the hall. I turn my gaze to Harry and watch his sleeping face. He aged these past few weeks and I wonder if the marks will fade once we feel safe again.
I brush his curls and turn to find Sam watching me.
"Fancy a walk?" He whispers. I nod and sneak out of bed, making sure I don't wake Harry. We step out to the hall and the nurse smiles at us.
"You think we can get coffee?" I ask. He flashes me a smile and we stride side by side.
I feel energized and am happy to be out of that room.
Sam tells me to find a table and I do as he gets us coffee.
He places my cup and a pastry in front of me before taking the seat across.
"I'm not going to ask you," he states as I pick up my cup and blow on the liquid.
"I think you should talk about it, and face what you went through, but I also know it probably won't be us.. that you tell I mean.. maybe Harry... maybe Anne... but as long as you talk about I'll leave you be," he picks up his cup.
"I love you Sam.. you know that right?"
"Yeah... I know... I've missed you.. I feel like I'm a hundred years old," he lets out a nervous chuckle.
"You don't look a day over 35," I grin. He knows I'm lying but he laughs anyway. They have old aged these past days. They all seem tired and hunted. I wonder if I look the same or worse.
"How was it?" I inquire.
"It was... it was shit Cassie.. I was terrified... I thought... I thought that... God... And I had to hold it together for Sarah and Harry.. they were wrecked.. gutted... and I had Nan's voice in my ear the whole time.. telling me not to give up.. to hold on to hope.."
"Good thing she is dead.. I don't think she would have been able to live through this," he adds when I keep quiet.
"You think Justin is still alive?" I question.
"I hope so sweetie.. they are doing the best they can," he tries to assure.
"When will Hendrix come to speak to me?"
"In the morning.. about 3 hours from now," he glances at his watch.
"Do you think they gave it their all? Looking for us? Did they try their hardest?" I ask.
"I think... I think they were confused at first... I think that the first hours with Harry and Liam screaming and butting in made it harder... but the moment Hendrix took control and got a team together.. yes I think they did.." He claims.
"I don't think they have," I whisper.
Harry told me about the fact that they didn't check the dorm room. Only after he had called they've showed up.
"It was confusing since they had a laptop and they were about to get to the dorm but the kids got there before the team did... no one thought the kid would have more then one laptop.. who does?"
Sam makes sense, which eases my tension. Maybe he is right maybe they are doing their best. Maybe they will get Justin back.
"God Cassie!"
Both Sam and I jump as Harry and Sarah rush through the hospital's cafeteria.
"You're up.. both of you," I note, watching the panic in Harry's face turn to anger and then frustration.
"You can't just waltz out of the room without saying anything! You almost killed me all over again!" His voice is full of dismay as he gets hold of my shoulders, kneeling beside me, locking his eyes with mine.
"I'm sorry... you're right.. I wasn't thinking," Suddenly I feel bad. He's been through so much, I should have told him where I was going.
He nods and then scans out table.
"You're eating.. good."
"You think we will be heading home later?" Sarah questions. She sits down next to Sam, pulling towards her my pastry and starts to nibble on it.
"No. I can't leave. Not until I know Justin is safe!" I tell her.
"You can follow his status also from home Cass... it's not safe here... I don't feel safe and I'm scared for us... especially you!" She squeaks.
"If you don't feel safe then you can head home.. it's alright really... but I must stay! I need to be here.. he doesn't have anyone worrying for him here.." I explain.
"I will never leave this place without you Cassie! If you need to stay then we all will! You're not leaving my sight ever again!" She exclaims.
Her eyes turn red and I know she is holding back tears. Sarah is not one to cry and I cannot make her start now. I hold out my hand for her and she reaches out and takes it.
"I love you Sarah.." I whisper.
"I love you too! Never put me through this again.. my heart can't survive losing you," she smiles to hid her sadness. I squeeze her palm.
"What do you all fancy eating? We might as well get some breakfast into our systems... God knows what a day awaits us," Sam sighs, "How and Cassie you probably should get back to your room before they notice you missing," he adds.
"No way! I'm staying here! You think there is anywhere I can get fresh clothes?" I inquire.
"El has that all taken care of.. her and El are on their way.. they should get here in a few hours," Harry kisses the side of my head, draping his arm over my shoulders. I snuggle up against him and smile. You can always count on Eleanor.
"How are you feeling today?" Hendrix questions me. Him and his partner which I cannot remember his name for the life of me are sat at my room. They demanded everyone to leave, but weren't able to remove Harry, who is sitting beside me on the bed.
"I'll feel much better once Justin is safe," I note.
"I'll sure.. you're a good friend Cassie," Hendrix states.
"Is there any news about that?" I press.
"Nine that I can sure," he replies.
"What about Jermaya?" Harry snaps.
"We are keeping tabs.. he's on our list.. don't worry," Hendrix claims.
"Who's first on that list? Justin or Jermaya?" I demand. It takes him a moment too long to reply.
"Unbelievable! Why am I not surprised?! Your unit is real shit! I would probably still be stuck there is it wasn't for Luke going rogue!" I exclaim in anger and frustration.
"We are doing our best," Hendrix is trying to master his annoyance, which only makes me even more spiteful.
"How?!? Why have the Americans found Kristen and the dad and tip you to where they might have taken us? How is it you didn't think to check the dorms? Why did Harry need to find the laptop?? The way I see it, it's or that you're working with Jermaya or you're just real shit!" I am so cross at this point that I'm shouting. However, I don't care. Hendrix eyes flash red with anger.
"Cassie! You NEED to calm down!" Harry catches my arm.
"Excuse me??! Who's side are you on?"
"The side that will keep you safe! I think we need a break," he tells Hendrix. Hendrix rises to his feet and storms out, his anger getting the best of him.
"Are you mad?" Harry whispers at me, pulling at my arm so I'll look at him.
"Are you??! Am I the only one concerned for Justin's well being?"
"Of course not! But you cannot talk that way to him!"
"So it's OK for you but not for me?!" I exclaim.
"I should have known better as well.." Harry sighs, finally letting go of my arm.
"What does that supposed to mean?"
"Hendrix is not working for Jermaya," Harry informs.
"You don't know that!"
"Yes I do! Hendrix..... look Cass... you weren't here... he did everything! Every damn thing is his power to find you... he... he has lost his own kid to someone like Jermaya.. he would never let that happen to you or Justin on his own watch... believe me," Harry's voice turns soft. I instantly feel terrible.
"But why? Why were things done so unprofessionally?"
I cannot let this feeling go. How was it a fortnight and how didn't I feel it being so long?
"Because.. they had his things in the car.. and they were busy checking street cameras to try and find you, we just got to the dorms faster than them," Harry explains.
It makes sense and he is convinced by his words that I decide to let it go.
"Cassie.. also.. your blood work came back.. there was drugs in your system.. they kept you sedated... why?"
"Because.... I tried to run away... and I was quite a handful at some point.. but if so.. how was I able to escape?"
"Luke said you were kind of confused... I mean.. you were running but you couldn't stop wobbling and that you seemed off to him..." Harry whispers softly.
"I hurt my feet.. I was..." But you're voice trails off. It was hard to think clearly.. I thought it was from lack of sleep but maybe I was drugged? I cannot remember..
"I can't remember... I really don't know," I sigh.
"It's alright.. don't worry," Harry kisses my forehead and rubs my back.
"Knock knock?" Eleanor's face peeks just then through the door?"
"Gosh! El!" I exclaim.
Her face falls and she starts crying as she hurries towards me.
"Oh don't cry.. you'll make me cry!" I say as he arms squeeze me, my neck already wet with her tears.
She doesn't speak, only hugs me and crys.
I start crying as well. I pet her hair and let her cry while whispering 'I'm ok'.
"Eleanor darling.. please share," I glance to see Ed standing behind her, smiling at me. He is spouting a beard and with his black rimmed glasses he looks much older.
"I hope they get them! I hope they suffer," El pulls back, wiping her cheeks. I reach out and wipe the tears she's missed.
"I'm so happy you're here," I smile. She does too, moving away to make room for Ed. I stand up to reach up to him, as Harry greets Eleanor.
"So so glad to see you darling, you had us worried," he says into my hair.
"Nothing to worry about anymore, I'm back and well and happy," I promise.
He pulls back to look at my face. He can see through my lie. I'm not ok and definitely not happy, but I'll get there.
He doesn't call me out on my lie. We all sit down on my hospital bed and El takes out a bag of clothes while Ed takes out the food.
"Are you partying without me?" Sarah rushes into the room then, a sly smile mixed with a frown. I shift to make her room and hold my arms out for her. I wasn't so friendly this past day and need to make it up to her.
she falls into my arms and we both fall back onto Harry who is sat behind me.
"You get two girls mate," Ed chuckles.
We sit up and start digging into the food places on the bed before us. We all know it's a matter of time before a nurse comes to kick out this many people, so we try to make the most of it.
I hope it takes her time though since them being here keeps my mind and pain at bay.
Suddenly the door opens and we all look up ready to fight the nurse.
It is Sam and he is serious.
"What's wrong?" Sarah and I inquire immediately.
"They've found Justin... he's been shot."

Notes