A year ago.

I'm restless, waiting for Harry to get home from the tracks. I ordered 2 plane tickets to visit home for this weekend. We had numerous fights over this these past few days, me being stubborn not letting it go and him even more by not giving in, claiming the bike race is a done deal and I should let it be already.
I tap my fingers on the arm of the sofa as the ‘kardashians’ is on the telly. I glance at the clock every few moments, knowing that soon enough he'll be walking in and a new but old argument will restart.
I hear his keys and sit up straighter.
The tickets are printed up and sat on the table. He cannot miss them since our passports are laid on top.
"I'm home," he calls as the door slams after him. I hear his helmet as he lets it drop to the floor and then the keys as he throws them on the counter. He is in the kitchen getting himself a drink and I know it won't be long until he strides into the lounge.
"Hey babe, how was your day?" He paces over to me a Dr. Pepper in his hand as he bends down to kiss my lips.
"Alright I guess. Much of the same.. And yourself?" I tilt my face up to him so I could meet his eyes.
"Same... why are the passports out?" He finally notices them.
"Well.. It's funny you should ask.." I am trying hopelessly to hold on to any of my bravery, though I can feel it slipping away as Harry's brows deep down over his eyes which turn dark and hard.
"Funny? Funny Cassandra? I don't see how buying tickets after I fucking told you not to is funny! Dammit!" He picks up his arm and I am sure he'll throw the can, slamming it to the wall. But last minute he lowers it. He turns to me pinning me with a hard and angry stare before storming away. I hear the front door slam. He shuts it so hard that everything shakes. I let out a shaky breath and pull my knees up to me.
I told Sarah I got tickets. I told her I'll be at the airport with or without him and she has promised to meet me there.
I have no idea how it is we suddenly started to grow close. Maybe it's being apart and the lack of family, but she is not as bad as she made herself out to be and I kind of feel grateful for having her to turn to.
I text her about Harry knowing about the tickets and by the look of it, it doesn't seem as if he'll be joining.
I shut the telly off then and decide to take a shower.
I fill up the bath with steamy water and spill half of the musk bubble soap Harry got me into it. The smell calms me and I need something to calm my frayed nerves.
How did things get so bad? When did this even start? It seems that one day everything was perfect and then a moment later hell breaks loose.
I try am thinking back, trying to pinpoint the moment but the only thing that I can think of is Harry deciding to race with bikes.
I mean.. He was always grumpy and controlling but he wasn't mean the way he is lately.

An hour later I get out and dry my hair. I slip on my pyjamas and slid my feet into my fluffy slippers Harry has gotten me when the air started turning cold.
I check the flat and to make sure he's not back yet. When I'm positive I'm alone, I decide to call it a night and go to sleep.

I'm not sure what time it is when Harry stumbles in. I jump up from bed when a crashing noise shatters the silence and I hold the duvet up to my chin as I listen for him.
"Fuck," I hear him mutter as he makes his way down the hall. He smells of spirits. I pick up on the smell as he walks into the room it being so strong.
He fumbles with the bed side lamp until he manages to put it on. Dim light washes over and I come face to face with him. We both blink, getting used to the soft light. When Harry notices I'm up a lazy smirk is painted on his lips.
"You're up," he slurs.
"Thanks to you," I inch back as he crawls closer to me.
"Sorry about that.. Didn’t see... bloody hell.. You’re pretty you know that?" He brings his face up close to mine.
"And you're drunk," I push his face back with my palm. He lets out a chuckle, catching my hand and pulling me to him.
"Hi," he smiles.
"Harry.... I'm not in the mood.. I'm quite cross with you.. and I hate it when you drink," I try and break free.
"Come on love.. Don’t be like this.. I was angry too but I calmed down and came home," he pouts at me.
I blow out some hair that fell in my face, and in the process blow some air into Harry's face as well, making him laugh again. I pull out of his grip and get out of bed. I walk out of the room. A moment later I'm back with a cup of water and two piles for him.
"Drink up," I hand them over. He does as he's told and I stand over him to make sure he swallows both of them.
When he puts down the empty cup I reach for the hem of his shirt pulling it up and over his head.
He holds up his arms to help.
He then undoes his pants and slips into bed with briefs and socks. I climb over him to my side. And turn to face him.
"Cassie.. you're not the only one angry," he finally states.
"Yes.. but you're angry all the time lately," I claim.
"I know.. but going back to England won't change it," he mumbles.
"Why are you so stressed Harry? Is it me? Am I the problem? Because I feel like I am," I tell him.
"No! No Cass.. You’re not the problem.. You know you're not.. It’s just a rough patch.. We’ll pull through this.." he promises. Reaching out to touch my cheek. His eyes are bright green and big with the help of the alcohol.
"Harry.. I'm flying home Friday. . I'm going to visit our friends and family. . And I would like you to come with... but I'll be getting on that plane either you're coming with me or not," I say slowly.
"I know," he sighs. His palm moves from my cheek to my chin, holding my jaw, his thumb runs back and forth slowly.
“You understand me? With or without you,” I whisper.

The next few days pass slowly. I don't mention the tickets or the flight, however there is no need to since both our tickets and passport are sat on the coffee table where I have left them.
I haven't started to pack until Friday morning.
Harry is home with me and in the lounge watching one of the sports channels. I am having trouble pulling the suitcase out from its storage place. I try and pull it out, but it is no use. I curse under my breath, a trait I picked up from Harry.
"Bloody hell.. Fine!" I mutter to myself and head to find him for help.
"Harry.. Can you help me please? I'm trying to get my suitcase out.. It appears to be stuck," I hurry to explain when his eyes swipe to me.
He stares at me for a while longer before getting up and striding to the closet.
He gets the suitcase out swiftly and carries it for me to our room. I follow him quietly, wondering what is possibly running through his mind. He sets it open on the side table, knowing I would cringe if he would have placed it on the sheets.
Then, he moves over to the bed and sits down.
"So you're really going.." He finally states.
"Well.. I didn't buy tickets for the fun of it," I glance over at him before taking out clothes and moving them to the suitcase.
"I thought maybe you'd changed you mind," he shrugs.
I shake my head slightly as I get some more things to put into my case.
Harry watches me as I pack.
You know.. You can still come with me," I claim softly.
"You can still come to my race," He replies. I meet his eyes and I note the sharp glint in them but don't know what it means.
"Harry.. Even if I stayed.. I would not come to a race I condemn... I love you too much to be able to see you play catch with your life," I state. Now there is hurt washing over his face.
"I'm not giving up this race Cassie," He finally says through a clenched jaw.
"I know that," I mumble. I fold my clothes, making them fit.
"Cass?"
"Hmm?"
"Will... will you come back?" He questions in a small voice.
I turn sharply to face him. He is looking at his hands which are placed in his lap. I pace over to him reaching his hands and tugging at his fingers. He doesn't look up so I touch his chin commanding him to gaze at me.
"Harry," I sigh when I see the tears glaze over his green eyes.
"I will come back.. I will always come back to you.. I promise," I whisper, making sure he can read my lips just as he can hear me, making sure he believes me.
He moves his fingers to my waist, pulling me closer to him. I bring my knees to the sides of his thighs, placing my hands on his shoulders.
"I love you.. you know that right?" He reminds me.
"I love you," I answer. A soft smile creeps its way to my lips. God I love this boy more than anything. He pulls me even closer, reaching up to my lips, pressing his to mine in such hunger, it makes me believe everything and anything he would say.
"I love you Harry," I whisper again.
"And yet you choose to leave me this week," he whispers back. His words stab through me as I pull back from him.
"Harry.. I'm going to visit home after a year of not being there... I'm coming back which is hardly leaving you.. And yet you chose racing over me! You keep choosing the tracks over me," I claim, burned by his words.
I step back from him, angry and hurt.
"I do not!" He snaps sharply. There was a time he chose me over the race, but that was a long time ago, a time he loved me more.
"You do now.. You choose the race when I choose you.. So for the first time I'm putting me before you.." I turn and leave him on the bed, closing the door after me.

I take a cab to the airport, refusing to speak to Harry. He wouldn't have taken me anyway since his race is scheduled at the same time as check in, and yet I cannot help but glance around at the crowd, hoping to see his curly head pop up over the people, looking for me.
I stand in line for check in, letting my mind take me away from here, back home to my friends and family, letting myself forget about the now when my ringtone brings me back to reality.
I do not recognize the number.
"Hello?" I answer.
"Is this Miss Price?"
"This is she," I reply.
"I'm speaking from CA hospital.. I would need you to head down here as soon as possible," the woman says softly.
Dread takes over and the room starts to spin.
"What has happen? Is it Harry?" I demand in fear.
"I'm afraid you need to hurry," she claims.
I hang up, looking up at the receptionist waiting for my ticket.
"I changed my mind," I tell her turning and hurrying away. I don’t know how I make it out of there, I don’t remember calling a cab. The only thing I know is my mind and hearts wishes.

Please be alive. I beg. Please be ok. Be ok and I would never leave you again. I make a deal with god as I climb into the cab instructing him to drive as fast as he can. Finally on the road I let my tears run. Harry. What have you done?

Notes

Hi Guys

Sorry for updating only now.. I was away and not able to..

Hope you like the update though.. Let me know what you think!
Also hope you're all warm in these cold snowy days xx