THE DEATH OF YOU

Harry's POV

It is Christmas morning and I'm at my childhood window. There is no snow this year, just fucking rain. Last night Gemma pointed out a present from Cassie that came in the mail, and I wondered how she knew I would come home? Or maybe she figured Gem and mum would just send it to me. Anyway it had a letter attached to it. I took the letter off leaving the present at the tree. The letter is now thrown on my bedside, open. I hadn't slept a wink after reading it. How could I.
I feel like smashing things, however it has been long ago when I did, minus the time last week I smashed Ben's face in.
I reach out for the letter and read it over again.
I can probably recital it since I already know it by heart, and still.. I need to see her hand writing.

Dear Harry,
I think that deep down I always knew I would be writing you this letter, though truth be told I didn't think you'd remember me or that I would have gotten to see you again.
So many things have changed these past couple of years. These past couple of weeks..
I don't even know where to start... maybe at the point you have started to remember? You finally came looking for me. How I wished for this to happen.. even after leaving. First I wished you'd stop me from getting on that plane home and then coming to look for me on campus.
These past couple of days spending together, going over your memories were priceless and I hope you will continue to remember more and more. All of the good things that you've been through and all the good things that you have done. I know this sounds like a kind of goodbye which it kind of is.. I mean.. these last few days... Harry I love you. I love you with all my heart, with every part of my being, but I'm with Austin now and I promised myself to give this relationship a fair chance. I cannot do it with you here. It's not fair! How can I if every move he makes and every word I'll compare to you? He's a good guy, and he is good to me. So I owe it to him and myself.
But before that, I've got to tell you something more. I need to thank you. You might not remember this but you saved me. You saved me over and over again. You were my personal angel sent from the gods to knock me off my feet and teach me the right way to live. I would have never been able to live after Nan, and I would have never grown to be who I am today without you and for that I am grateful. You're far from perfect. You're stubborn and controlling. But you're also kind and caring and loyal. You're heart is pure gold and you must remember that Harry. You are one of the most amazing human beings I have ever come across. You and your lovely group of friends. Even Louis..
Look after yourself Harry because this world would burn without you in it. You keep the balance. Don't race Harry. Don't go back out there. Grant me only this and I promise I will never ask you another thing in my life.
I love you. And I will love you forever.
Cassie.

I feel like crying but I don't. How could she say these things? She gave all of the reasons why she should dump Austin and come back to me. A knock on the door makes me snap out of my misery. Gemma slides in. She is holding the present Cassie sent me.
"You left this so I thought to bring it up for you.. you look like shit," she states noticing my face. I hand over Cassie's letter. I would never let anyone else read it. But Gemma is Gem and she will know best what to do. She eyes the letter before taking it and sitting down beside me. I stare out the window as she reads, not wanting to see her face.
"Harry.. You need to fight for her," Gemma finally says handing back the letter. She wipes the tears from her face and I swallow the lump in my own throat.
"She made it very clear she doesn't want me to," I note. I take the letter, fold it up and stick it in my wallet for safe keeping.
"She is making the biggest mistake of her life Harry.. She is choosing wrong!" Gemma exclaims.
"No.. She is choosing right! She is choosing the easy path.. the safe one.. I don't remember much but I know that I made her life a living hell and Austin won't," I state.
"You did not make her life a living hell Harry.. You didn't make it easy either.. But as much as loving you is easy a relationship isn't. . It shouldn't be. . You need to fight for it. Every day! And for someone who watched this relationship from the side I can tell you what you had was real! And people spend a life time trying to find what Cassie and you have! So don't let her mistake ruin it! Fight for her. Fight for you."
I watch my sister. I know deep down she is right, but there is a big part of me that wants to protect Cassie from me and my crazy life.
Gemma puts the present on my lap and stands.
"When you’re ready.. There is breakfast downstairs," she touches my shoulder and then turns to leave the room.
I am left alone eyeing Cassie's present. I have left one for her up in her room the other day at her house, sneaking up and leaving it on her pillow. It must be a sign if she has done the same thing.. Well sort of. I open the present.
I pick up the little custom car close to my face. She is beautiful. Black and shiny just like my girl. I can't help but smile. Cassie knows me. She really does. She knows how to touch me the way others don't.
I tuck the car into my bag, reminding myself to hang it over the race car's mirror when I get back to Watford. Then, I head down to spend Christmas morning with my mum and sister.
"Harry! I was just about to come and- honey? Are you alright?" Mum questions in concern. I nod and give her a hug and a kiss on the cheek.
"You look narked darling," she pulls away to take another look at my face.
"I'm fine mum, what did you get?" I ask my sister who is opening presents.
"Lush bombs from you, and the gold necklace- which Harry is beautiful," she hurries over to reach up for my cheek.
"It's nothing really," I shrug.
We spend the morning opening presents and having a Christmassy breakfast like Gem and mum like. We spend a slow morning, watching movies together just like old times.
I am waiting for a text from Eleanor. I asked her to find out when Cassie is leaving back to college so I can make sure to see her before.
Mum and Gemma are quizzing me over different events that we were through to see what I remember and what I don't. So far for the most part, I remember things from this part of my life. The family. It is only the past year or so that hasn't come back.
"It's probably because the accident was too traumatic. . Your mind is blocking anything that has to do with it out," mum claims.
"I'm not in trauma mum... I don't think that has anything to do with it," I dismiss her claim with an eye roll.
"Of course it does! If you'd continue to go to the Ms. Symons then she would have told you so as well," Gemma states reminding me about that woman who calls herself a physic Dr. While all she wanted to do was talk about Cassie. Thinking about it now is not a bad idea- hell I would talk about that girl forever, but at the time I didn't remember her and exploded throwing things and storming out of her office, refusing to go see her ever again.
My phone beeps and I check it.
From El: right after New year’s.
This is a good thing.
I have enough time to pester her into giving us a chance. She will, I know it.
"Maybe now after you started remembering.. Maybe going back to Mr. Symons is a good idea," Mum offers.
"I don't need her.. I'll just ask Cassie," I suddenly decide.
"Ask Cassie about what?" Gemma crinkles her nose in confusion.
"About the accident.. she'll take me step by step.. She’ll help me," I make up my mind, wondering how come I have never thought about asking her about it before.
"Are you sure that's a good idea darling?" Mum questions.
"Mum she already promised to help me! And if someone knows it's her.. I'm going to do that first thing tomorrow," I tell them.
"Oh lord.. Harry... I hope you know what you're doing," Gemma chims. "I really am not sure that is the best thing to do."

The next day I drive straight to Cassie. I don't stop at home, knowing I need to go fetch Ed from the train station anyway in an hour.
I park outside of her house just as her and Sarah leave the house.
"Harry," Sarah noticed me first. I note as Cassie's head snaps up. She tenses as her eyes find me. I can't help but cringe at her body language, as if I'm the last person she wants to see.
"We need to talk," I tell her.
"I.. I'm sorry. . We are on our way out.. And besides.. I'm not sure it's a god idea," she mumbles.
"Cassie.. Don’t do this.. You promised me you'd help.. Don’t walk out on me when you're the only one that has answers," I am begging, hoping it will melt her heart into agreeing. In the end it is Sarah who is the one who breaks telling Cassie they’ll go out later, while heading back into the house.
"Come with me," I open the passenger door for her. She studies me before obeying. I drive us to our promise- the lamp post.
"Harry why are we here?" She questions, finally glancing at me.
"How could you?" I accuse her.
"Excuse me?"
"How could you give up on me? When you promised? You promised me forever and you gave up! You won't fight for me? For us?" I hold out the letter she sent me. Hurt washing over my face as I see the shame on hers.
"I gave up Harry? I didn't fight for us?" The shame turns to hurt and anger in her eyes. I can see her fighting it inside her. Fighting something.
"Tell me!" I demand. She shakes her head. She squeezes her eyes shut as she holds fingers to her temple.
"You stopped fighting for us way before I did Harry.." she finally says.
"No! I would never in my right mind stop fighting for us.. for you.. I just couldn't remember but I'm here now," I claim. I reach over to her and grab her hands.
She shakes her head and pulls away. It is as if she slapped me in the face. I pull back.
"You stopped fighting for us before the accident Harry... you keep going on about you not remembering and that what we had was good and that you love me.. And that might be true and I might have believed it for a while but then you decided to start racing again and that is when I knew.. You might love me but you love the racing more... you picked it over me once before.. And you will pick it over me once again."
“I’d never pick the racing over you!” I exclaim, shocked of her thinking such a thing.
“Yes! You did!”

Notes

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