THE DEATH OF YOU

"No.. I'm just saying that trees are supposed to grow outside.. Not in your house," Guy shrugs, making Sam and Linda laugh.
We are sat around the table. Christmas is in two days and Linda has decided to come up a little earlier since she missed Nan and wanted to be around family.
"It's part of the holiday spirit Guy!" Sarah scoffs offended he doesn't find Christmas as charming as her.
"You don't celebrate it then?" Linda questions.
"Are you joking? My dad would have a fit! We have Hanukah which by the way is way better since its 8 days of presents," he sends a devilish grin at Sarah.
"You can have Chrismika- Seth Cohen from the OC came up with that one," I suddenly remember the show.
"I like that," Sarah nods "Best of both worlds," Guy agrees, making Sam laugh.
Austin went home yesterday. I drove him home on my way to pick up Linda.
It was nice to spend time alone with him with no Harry like we do back in college. It made me remember what made me fall in love with him and made me feel ashamed for having my doubts and thinking of Harry.
"What are you thinking about gorgeous?" Linda leans in whispering in my ear.
"How Nan would have loved this," I reply. Even though it wasn't what I was thinking about, it was true. She would have enjoyed all of us here and loved Guy just for the fact he is capable of holding his own with Sarah and being able to challenge her feisty spirit.
"She would have.. She always loved the holidays," Linda agrees.
"I'm just sad she never got to enjoy one with all of us together," sadness suddenly washes over me, realizing this is my first Christmas with all of my family and Nan is not here. Suddenly I'm having a hard time breathing and I'm hot and anxious.
"Cass.. Are you alright?" Sam notices.
"Yes.. I am going out for some air.. I'll be right back," I stand up and head out before someone is able to stop me.
It is drizzling but I ignore the rain and start walking. I take deep breaths trying to calm myself down.
I don't know what has gotten over me, but I am consumed by this longing for Nan missing the only parent I have ever known. Tears run down my face but I don't attempt to stop them, knowing there is no point. It starts raining harder and I look up at the sky just as lightning strikes and lights up the sky with a striking blue. I have been walking for a while and am quite far from home. I reach for my phone to call Sarah and ask her to come fetch me. However my phone was left at home. I clench my jaw and pick up my pace.
A car passes me and sprays me with dirty water. A sob escapes my lips but not because of my state of wet but the fact that it is raining just like the night of the accident that took Nan away from me. The headlights of the splashing car remind me of the headlights of that car that ended my life as I knew it. The car stops and drives back stopping next to me. The passenger door opens and I stare at the driver.
"Get in," he orders. It takes me a moment but then another lightning lights up the sky followed by thunder, making me jump and duck in.
Ben hands me tissues and I take them silently wiping my face and eyes.
He doesn't speak and neither do I. I just stare out the side window and try my best to make my tears stop.
After a short while we stop. I look up and notice we are outside Harry's apartment building. I notice him then. Staring at us from the door. When our eyes lock he moves out in the rain and to the passenger door. He pulls it open and helps me out. Seeing Harry makes me cry even more and I feel him pull me into a cuddle as he shuts the door behind me. I hear Ben drive away and Harry pulls me into the building.
He holds me inside, safe from the thunder and rain. I feel his lips touch the top of my head and his fingers glide up and down my back. When I finally start calming down he pulls away slightly, just enough for him to stare into my eyes.
"You're alright Cass... it gets easier," he promises. It dawns on me right then that Harry knows the reason for my tears. He can feel my pain and knows the source of it. I nod and he calls the lift. He intertwines our fingers as we step in and I let him, feeling safe, the safety he offers washing over me in a sea of green- the promise in his eyes that all will be ok.
We step into the flat and I am immediately am wrapped in Ed's arms. Harry is forced to let go of my hand as I try to embrace Ed back.
"I put on the kettle love, I'll make you a cuppa while Harry gets you a change of clothes”. I nod and follow Harry to his room. The spell we were in just moments ago is broken, the magic gone and we are back to being are broken selves.
"There you go... I'll err.. I'll wait in the kitchen," he mumbles handing me a pile of clothes. I can't help but think back to the day I walked the whole way in the rain. Ed offering me Harry's dry clothes then. I change swiftly and make my way down the hall to where the boys are waiting.
I notice the boxes. Everything is packed and my chest grows heavy.
"You're moving!" I accuse him them.
Ed hands me a cup of steaming tea. Harry is sat at the table watching me, drinking me in making me self conches. Ed joins him at the table, I break our stare and do to, sitting in front of him.
"We are," Ed finally answers.
"Why?" I question hurt, as if them moving away is an offense to me. The fact doesn't get unnoticed by Harry and a smirk appears on his face.
"It's time," he shrugs.
"This flat is quite small for both of us.. . So we're moving into a bigger one," Ed explains eyeing Harry with annoyance.
"Where to?" I inquire making sure not to look at Harry.
"To fifth avenue," He replies.
"Oh," is all I can say. Another posh street but much closer to where I live.
"So how did you end up in a car with Ben?" Ed finally questions.
"I was a long way from home.. In the rain.. And he drove past.. I guess he recognized me and decided to stop," I mumble.
"That was nice of him," Ed remarks, sending Harry another glance.
"It was," I agree.
"I called Sam.. told him you're here so he doesn't worry," Ed continues.
"You did?" I ask surprised.
"Yes.. I got a message from Sarah asking if I know where you are since you left your phone and it's poring and they couldn't find you," Harry explains.
"We were about to go looking for you too when Harry got a text from Ben," Ed adds.
"We better get going," Harry says finally.
"Where are you going?" The words are out my mouth before I have a chance to think my question through.
"First to your house for supper and then home to our parents for Christmas," Harry's smirk is back, noting my surprise and liking it.
"To my house?"
"Yep.. Sam invited us.. He said Linda is over too," Ed smiles.
"She really misses me," Harry notes.
"I'm sure she does," I roll my eyes.
"Come on Shorty.. time to party," Harry pushes away from the table. Ed and I get up as well. I watch as they pick up their bags and head for the door.
We head down in silent, suddenly there is nothing to say.
The drive over to my home is quiet. Each of us deep in our own thoughts. I sit in front, Ed insisting on sitting in the back, so I stare out the window, trying my best not to think about what if things had turned out differently.
"Cassie? Are you coming?" A knock on the window snaps me out of my thoughts. Harry is staring at me. Him and Ed already out of the car. I glance up at them feeling as my cheeks grow warm. I wait for the smirk that constantly appears on Harry's face when my cheeks turn red, but a look of concern is placed there instead. I hurry to get out, making sure to stare at the pavement so I won't need to meet the green of his eyes.
I follow Ed, feeling Harry's long stride behind me. Before we reach the door I get pulled back by Harry. He holds on to my arm firmly as he spinning me around to face him.
"What's wrong?" He questions.
"Nothing.." I shrug, still not able to meet his eye. I feel his finger tug at my chin, tilting it up, forcing me to look at him.
"Cassandra," he growls.
"As you said.. I'm ok," I shrug out of his hold and step back, putting some distance between us, not trusting us so close to each other.
"Come on you two," Ed says impatiently.
I pass him and open the door.
"Finally!" Sarah calls out.
"Where the hell have you been?" She inquires.
"I was in need of a walk," I mumble.
"In the rain?" Guy questions, raising a brow.
"Let her be," Harry snaps, making them drop the subject. After some 'hello's and 'how are you's we head to the set table. I am about to walk over when Linda pulls me back softly.
"How are you darling?" She places both hands on my shoulders studying me.
"I.. I.." I'm about to lie, however I change my mind not able to lie to her.
"I miss her so much..." I confess. "And it's killing me seeing everyone here.. All of us together happy and getting along and knowing she isn't here.. She never got to have this.. And I miss her.. I miss her smile.. Her smell.. Her warmness," I am devastated with grief. Linda wraps me in her arms, petting my head calmly.
"Oh my lovely sweetheart.. She is here with us.. She is just as happy and smiley as you and me and she is ecstatic for seeing us all together.. A happy family," Linda promises me.
I nod, wiping away a lone tear. I let her hug me as we walk over to the table. There is a seat next to Harry and apposite him. I take the seat beside him not wanting to have to gaze at his face a whole meal. I take my seat silently. As soon as I push myself close to the table I feel him take my hand, placing it on his thigh and covering it with his own, holding it, comforting me. I don't pull away. I can't, not having the will. I am craving his touch and grateful for not needing to see his face. I feel his thumb brush over my knuckles. I sneak a glance up at him. He is in mid of conversation with Guy and Sam. He squeezes my hand slightly letting me know he noticed my glance.
I turn to talk to Ed, letting Harry hold my hand, promising myself this is the last time. Tonight when I say goodbye, it will be the last time. I need to close this door, I owe it to Austin and furthermore, I owe it to my heart.

Notes