The Sass Account
Who am I kidding anymore with this crazy dream? I can't do anything right. I truly can't. I can't have anyone either, especially Louis. He isn't mine, he never was. I can't keep dreaming so big I don't see anything that's realistic.
I got in my car, shutting the door so hard I knew I broke it but I didn't care. The tears were sliding and stung on their way down my face. I hated my life. I hated everything about my existence. I wanted to kill myself seriously the night after the audition. I was alone, broke and over when I took the underground back to the hotel that day. Things have not changed. I'm still that girl clinging onto something that'll never happen. Holding onto things that don't belong to me.
Clinging onto Louis like he was mine to have. If he knew I was talking to his friend, he would freak the fuck out. I despised hurting him. But I can't stop talking to Troy, even if he doesn't want to talk to me. I don't know what I did to make him pissed at me, oh yeah I'm a fuck up. I sobbed harshly against the steering wheel trying to get all of these waste of space emotions out in some way. I wish I had a gun now. I wish I was buried 6 ft deep in some unmarked grave away from civilization.
I didn't want to be found. I didn't deserve it. I just wanted to die. No self harm just fucking die. How can I show my face anywhere right now? I skipped work today to play with things that don't belong to me. No, it has to end. Who was I fooling? Louis seems to think he could help me. Yeah, that's right. Help me? I don't trust myself with anyone, its not going to work. I was done, finished. I had no life line. No safety net.
I banged the wheel hard and again and again until I lost count. I don't want to die. I don't want this to be it for me. I'm strangely sad now, sad that I just can't commit to ending things for myself but I don't want to be here anymore. Louis Tomlinson has everything. When I kissed him I felt like I had everything, and that was what scared me. That isn't my life. He was associating himself with me and it isn't the way this is supposed to be. Even though my feelings for him are gradually showing their face faster than I can deny it. I liked him, ok? He was perfect, too fucking perfect. He has no flaws and would be so great for someone who is stable, doesn't hate life and isn't suicidal when it comes to dreams. What dreams? Oh yeah, the ones I tried to have until they were ripped out of my hands by people who are better than me.
Not that I had a chance anyway. I can't be what people what me to be. I can't sell sex and be what they want. That's what it takes to be popular and I am tired of it. Sick of it. I am sick of air. My breathing is annoying. My heart is beating but it's not alive. I can't deserve this life. Louis would be better off without me.
I pulled my head up, wiping my tears sloppily and turned on the engine. I felt eyes on me and knew I had to hurry. Louis from the corner of my eye was running to my window, banging on it to open. This isn't real. People don't care about me. I was nothing, I still am. Louis can't fucking save me anymore. I need to let him go. I shook out of it as I backed out of the parking lot; his shocked face was distracting me from this determination I had inside me. I wanted to disappear. I shook my head as more tears slipped off my cheeks, pulling completely out of the lot, going through a random interstate, not even sure if I'm going home or not.
What home? Oh yeah, that place where people pretend like they belong somewhere. We don't. We all die. This will happen eventually and I don't want to wait anymore. I heard Louis' cries for me and it deterred my concentration. I didn't like it. He was in my head, telling me to stop, just like in the shop, he looked at me, like he first saw me all those years ago. Like he cared.
I pulled over onto a lone 2-lane interstate and tried to focus on what I'm about to do. End the suffering and end these voices in my head telling me what a big failure I'll always be. Nothing ever gets better no matter what I do in life. There's always going to be some asshole to crush your every hope and dream, saying how worthless and pitiful the fact that you're still breathing.
I kept driving until I wasn't paying any attention to where I was going. I think this was the right way. Someone beeped their horn behind me and I looked in the rear view mirror, a big black Escalade riding my ass. I opened my window and waved him to pass, but then I realized that was a shit idea. He'd crash into me the second he'd cut me in the lane. Fuck…I pressed on the gas as hard as I could and put a three car distance between the monster car behind me, wiping my eyes at the same time. I couldn't see right now because of all the crying. It was making my brain weak and I forced myself to pull it the fuck together.
I recognized finally where I was going and just kept on that road. I knew it was the right one this time.
OK, Charlie, focus, fuck, go away!
Louis. Why the fuck? Who is he to say he will help me? Nobody can help me. It's over. This is my life: Wal-Mart, pissing people off and the occasional fuck at Gaslight. Not that I ever go to Gaslight but I imagine its one of those bars where men are eager to sleep with anything with a pulse which is any bar in Los Angeles. I'm good to go. Fuck, I shouldn't have skipped work today. Not that I care what Christina thinks of me, just, it's the only thing I am anymore. A clerk. I am not going to be anything more.
A buzzing noise caught my attention as I looked below me near the gears, it was my cell.
I got a Twitter notification when I rounded my street; I went to my parking spot, once there I killed the engine, immediately going back to my phone.
Troy: I have something I need to tell you ok? Plus don't get angry
OK, that fucking messes with my head. What's with the cryptic message? Several days and not a word, now this…I don't know what to do anymore.
If Troy breaks my heart I'll have no one. I don't even have me anymore. I will have absolutely nothing left. If he's anything like Louis which, I think he is, because Louis is wonderful, he's amazing. But he's not mine. If Troy hurts me then, oh god, I forgot to respond back.
Charlotte: Please say it. Don't lie to me
I waited in my car, biting my nails to the quick for his reply. This is it. He's finally going to reject me. Just make it happen fast, it's less painful.
Troy: Meet me somewhere, ok? I know you're scared but I need to meet you. I am tired of hiding behind a screen. I have to see your face
Charlotte: Oh god, are you sure? What about a public place I feel safer that way
Troy: Fine, how about Gaslight? I'll be there later tonight, please be there baby, I am begging you, promise me?
Charlotte: I want you so much…but I want Louis too, I am sorry I can't do this…
But I didn't send that, I immediately erased it and typed the real message.
Charlotte: I'll be there, promise :)
Was I really smiling though? I was intensely nervous. This was bigger than big, this was bigger than Harry Styles' penis big. I've seen it, no big deal; he may have a black person gene living inside him because Jews are hardly 2 inches when hard.
I was also really scared too. I just saw Louis and had this phenomenal breakdown. Am I in a condition to meet anyone, let alone Louis' best friend, the guy who knows all my secrets and I know has feelings for me too?
I want Troy.
I wanted Louis too.
The real question is: who did I want more? Louis knows I am a loser. He knows what a failure I am and he takes pity on me and I despise that. But he has this tenderness in his eyes that I can't resist sometimes. He's thinks he is this cold, hard guy outside but he's really not. It's a cover, I feel it. His kisses make me dizzy, I had to restrain myself from taking him completely just now.
But Troy, I am such a hermit when it comes to people, he gets me. He knows Caroline, but I am Charlotte to him. Oh god if he finds out I lied to him, shit, fuck me. He'll never forgive me.
Another beep, I dared to look and melted at the message.
Troy: Please know I care so much about you. Please remember this when you see me, you know the real me and nobody can do that
Being Louis' friend had its lonely times for sure. It must suck being under the shadow of someone more famous than you. Troy probably didn't care that Louis was a star and this big shot. He's the real deal. I couldn't help but feel like I'm hurting him by not telling him my real name. A name is everything. I preach this shit often. Hell, Louis knows my real name but Troy earned it so many times before him.
I bit my lip, rubbing my eyes of the residual tear streaks left. I have to tell him now, if he doesn't meet me then, oh god, I don't want to even go there.
Charlotte: You know me too. There are some things I have to tell you before we meet, one thing really
Troy: Hold on that thought babe ;)
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
A thundering bang on the window of the passenger's side startled me. I turned my head and rolled down the window to see Louis' face appear through the crack.
I smiled into Caroline's window and she looked at me like she'd just seen a ghost. She probably thought she had, I was wearing white.
"What do you want?"
"Come out, I need to talk to you."
I felt a bit guilty talking to Caroline still only after I asked Charlotte out but I needed to say this. But Caroline was running away from everything too much and I'm getting sick of it.
"Louis, don't make me castrate you."
"You wouldn't dare, you want it inside you." I cocked my head to the side, smirking. She scoffed, I turned serious seeing this. "Caroline please, don't shut me out—"
She started to roll up the window but I opened the passenger door before she could lock it and pushed my body firmly inside.
"Ugh…you've got some nerve you fucking asshole-" I closed her mouth with mine, feeling her fight the kiss, but I knew she couldn't fight me for long.
She knows too well how good we are.
Touching her face gently, I became softer, more caring, "Shhh." I whispered against her lips, feeling her tongue hesitating to play with mine. "Let go, just let go…"
"No, I am sick of you. I hate you so much." Her voice was soft and not full of venom like those words were meant to project. She was beginning to relax against me as I caressed her face and grabbed her hair in bunches. "You're terrible. Horrible. I wish you were dead." The soft whispers from her lips were melting against mine and I really did think I was dead but now I was firmly in heaven with her.
"I know Carrie, I know." The nickname just fell from my lips as I went with it, kissing her until her body went weak and she was completely mine. Writhing and about to surrender. "I know how much you want me too. Just as bloody much as I want you. Here…feel…"
I placed her hand on my trousers, asking her silently to feel what she does to me. What she always did to me. What I want her to do to me. I looked at her and saw so much hurt in her eyes it scared me. I pulled her in my arms, my strong hug enveloping her tightly. I didn't want to let her go. I was afraid this was the end.
"Louis, I'm nothing. Don't do this."
"You're not nothing Carrie. You're something, you're beautiful, to me." I whispered into her ear as her eyes started getting teary.
She choked back a sob but buried her face in my neck before I could see anything. But I sure felt it, her wet eyes smothering over my skin, burning me. She whispered something inaudible I thought it sounded like "I'm not beautiful, I'm no one." I couldn't help but feel so damn protective over this girl. I think I'm falling so hard for her I can't think straight. I think its over for me. Charlotte really doesn't deserve me. She tells me all about her and I've been lying to her straight from the beginning. I'm such a loser. But Caroline still wanted me. Why? She should just hate me; it's so much easier than falling. Because I can't fall for her.
Caroline picked up her face, red and blotchy from crying hard. I wiped what I could with my thumbs. She kissed the inside of my hand, I almost cried right there. Can't fall, heart please don't do it. I don't deserve it. I've been lying to both of these girls and its best to not lead them on any longer.
Which is why I'm meeting Charlotte tonight, I can't keep the façade up anymore. I look at Caroline now and I can't look at her the same way anymore.
"I am trying so hard not to love you." Caroline said, making me shake. Here comes the water forming over my eyes, clouding over my vision. "You're so perfect Louis. I need to stop believing in things that won't happen."
My heart was racing now to the point where I think I might lose it. She can't love me. No, she needs someone who won't lie to her, someone that isn't me. Someone just like me, but not me.
"Me too." I croaked my voice scarce and petrified. "I am so far from perfect. I think, oh god, fuck it….can you come with me?" I blurted out.
"What," She sat up straight. "Where?"
"Anywhere, I don't care."
Carrie smiled slightly, leaning over and kissed me gently, lingering on for a long moment. She kissed me again, more fervent than the last, her kisses were growing intense by the second as my hands felt over her body, touching all the places I made warm. Smiling when I reached under her shirt, cupping her breasts through her bra; my hands then lifting her bra so I scan finally touch her naked skin. Her nipples grew hard under my touch. I reveled in this discovery. My fingers were between her legs and I knew how much she needed me. I can't have it be like this, I should stop. I breathed out, pulling away. Short ragged breaths were coming out of me faster than I could control.
"I'll go anywhere with you." Her small voice shook me completely alive. She pressed small kisses over my face and then came down to claim my lips and I couldn't hold back the need to bury myself inside her, making her mine. "Take me away from here."
She said this with so much pain and anguish I wanted at that moment to do her every bidding and wish. I wanted to be hers and she be mine. I had an idea suddenly…taking her hands I breathed in deep.
"Come to mine. I need to show you something. A surprise." Her face looked at mine, so scared and frail. I stroked her cheek with the back of my hand wiping the fast falling tears that tried to hide from me.
I affirmed, nodding, giving her another kiss, making all the others feel shame as I put all my passion, all my negative thoughts, all my concentration to make her feel like she matters. And she does, for me. I moved some hair that fell in her eyes, kissing spots underneath her eyes where she felt pain the most. I didn't want her to cry anymore. I couldn't lie to her anymore about anything.
No matter what, I have to tell her the truth. Because I'm in love with her.
Thanks for reading!