The Sass Account
The definition of laying low was the understatement of the year for what I had in mind. I was tired of it. Tired of management, yes, those insufferable bastards still breathe oxygen and there's nothing we can do about it. Making me, practically lighting my ass on fire if I don't tweet about our past tour sponsors or they were gonna permanently lock my verified twitter. Big fucking deal. I did it, the pussy I am.
A lot of other things were crowding my mind besides doing what I'm contractually allowed to do. I've gone in a ritual of cover lately.
When I came home from Caroline's flat that day I fell into a state of being a hermit. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I didn't think anyone would really listen to me anyway. I avoided Charlotte because I didn't want to bother her with all this shit. It sucks; I know she's probably pissed at me for ignoring her when we said we wouldn't do that again. But I just didn't give a shit anymore. I was feeling jaded about everything. It had nothing to do with her. I was distracted by something. By someone. The other reason I can't sleep at night.
Caroline was to blame. That girl. The way she was around me, I can't even wrap my head around what she's making me feel. I mean, yeah, we met on X-Factor only a few years ago, barely said a sentence, posed for a picture and after that I never saw her again. Then I run into her again, on sheer accident too. Her having the same problem I had was just too weird. I felt connected to her and I hardly knew her.
I actually don't know her at all. It was all confusing really. She made me angry for feeling this way, I couldn't stand the things she said that night or the ways she'd tease me. One thing was for sure, I liked those kisses. I felt something in those moments that I thought were never found in me again. She cut deep into my heart and I despised it. In fact, I flat out hated it. Nobody knows the real me. Charlotte does though. I was completely vulnerable and open about myself to her. I liked that she had feelings for me. She said she'd met me, but she never told me where or when. I don't know the simple details. I'll find them out when I'm over my inner shit and tell her the truth.
But that's the thing…
I don't know how long I can keep up being Troy when I just want to tell her the truth already. It's not like she has secrets too. It's just me here; she may get mad at me for not telling her as soon as I found out how she feels. Damn it. Why is this so hard all of a sudden? Why are both of these girls in my head like its Secondary School drama? She makes me feel like those weird teenage years. I know I said she, I guess I am referring to both now. For one, there were pros and cons.
Caroline, she complicated everything. I knew her and she definitely knew me. Nothing can change that. How can I like two girls at the same time? Two very different girls, well in some ways they are actually quite similar. Both girls have amazing personalities and wit, I love their sense of humor, though Caroline seems a bit more serious, like me. Charlotte can be serious yet unassuming too. Ugh…this is annoying, I can't fall for both.
But I haven't met Charlotte yet. Only Caroline. Makes sense to consider the one you already know and have met. But Charlotte, she knows all my secrets. She does, except that it's me pretending to be my "best mate."
As Troy, because she asked about me, I told her how scared I really was when I almost left the show. I thought in that moment I was complete failure. I hated to fail especially when I work so hard at something. Caroline knows this too, I saw it reflected back when she stared at me back at the auditions. She knows that guy and she spent the night with that same guy.
This is what scared me. It's good to keep people at a distance, I feel like Charlotte should be the better girl. Caroline, I don't know. I've never had this issue ever. There have been girls I've liked but never two at the same time. Genuinely speaking. Caroline could be trouble.
I said I'd come by but now I'm not so sure about that. I promised to but I doubt she'll hold me to that. She kept telling me to leave that day. But at the same time she kept being intimate and those kisses, I don't know, I am so confused with what that girl wants. I am more confused because I don't know who I want.
Ugh, this is fucked up. I can't keep reaching for a drink whenever I feel this way.
So I rang up one of my mates. It was already past midnight and I knew I wasn't going to get any sleep. I just wanted to talk; now I do. But I needed someone to bounce my questions off to.
I looked at my contact list and thought of some people. Lot of these were tour mates, people Harry and the lads went to dinner with, the "stay in touches" as I refer to them, some immediate family members. I don't know about that. My mum is dealing with her own shit and besides she'd be at work now back home, it's a no brainer. My sisters don't wanna hear about this during their prepubescent years. I was completely alone.
I suppose I could ring the guys, or the crew. I might end up talking about the sass account and I really can't trust anyone, I hope Harry wasn't too mad at me for blowing him off that night. Caroline needed me. Charlotte needed me. I needed them. God, how is this possible? I don't understand it one bit. How can my heart be open for two girls?
I wondered about Charlotte though, she's the one I haven't met yet. I want to know how she looks like, how does her smile look, how does she really talk? Is it slow like Harry and Zayn or fast like me and Niall? Or is it in between? I really wanted to know. How does she dress? Is it casual or glamorous? Does she wear makeup or go natural? Does she care about her looks at all? I hated not knowing who she really was; all I know are her words. Her personality, what annoys her, not just with me, I know what she's afraid of. She told me she'd wake up sometimes covered in cold sweat because she was working late and had problems sleeping. She told me how scared she was living alone sometimes. One time she had a nightmare and couldn't sleep all night. At work they didn't notice and that bothered her. She told me how she puts on a front to people but really she cares more than they know. But I understood being ignored.
I have my moments of sheer panic that the next moment I am not even sure what's real and what's an illusion. This life, even if I'm on a break it still feels fake. With Caroline, I don't know, it felt almost too real. The way she talks in that cynical yet fearful way dug into me. Her pupils would dilate when she was scared, she wanted me to leave but I could tell she didn't mean it. When she had her back turned I knew it was time to just leave and be away from all this realness. Too fucking real.
I phoned up Harry sitting on my couch; I had some things I wanted to say.
"Hey man, what's up?" He said gruffly.
I cleared my throat well didn't sound like he was too mad at me. I really needed someone to chat to.
"I'm good, yeah. Listen, about last week, or that night. I didn't mean to shut you out. Or the other guys."
Harry was quiet for a few seconds before he spoke, "I see, well have you got it out of your system then?"
Not entirely but I didn't want him to worry so I said, "Yeah, pretty much. I dunno man, it's this life. Being back to just dealing with me and living all over again. I feel like I was safer with you and the lads on stage, working my bum off then this. I forgot how to enjoy myself."
"I got ya. Talk to the other lads yet about your sassy account? I haven't told anyone for the record."
"Thanks and nobody knows but us. Management is up my ass in this bull shit promo crap. They won't allow me to be authentic, it's official, I need Troy, maybe you should make one if you feel this way too."
Harry chuckled. I missed hearing it. Talking to my best friend has this effect on me like no other.
"No I'm good. I tweet fucked up shit anyway, the fans have nicknamed me "instadork" thought it was clever. If I had a sass account I'd probably call it that."
"Yeah you live on that shit Harold. It's like everything you tweet is so fascinating. Especially that line you drew on that paper. Fucking surreal man."
"Piss off; I still got more followers than anyone. Wow that sounded so asshole of me."
I laughed deeply. "They won't be there forever Harry. This whole celebrity thing, it won't last forever. Soon we're going to be irrelevant and then what are we going to do with our lives?"
"Make music." He said simply. I wasn't too sure. How does he know the fate of the group after the candle burns out? "I mean I know I would, you would too right?"
That's the ultimate question right? What would I do if all this notoriety died down and people vaguely if anything, remember us? I almost got lost in that that until I heard a cough in the receiver. Way to be subtle Harry.
"You know, I may change my mind but right now, I need to learn how to just enjoy life again. I think I need to just be around some real faces. We see too many of those rubbish ones in our time. I mean people we only meet because we're these big names. We see them every day. You know what I mean dude?"
"I-I think so…" Harry paused. I worried he was just saying this to make me feel better. "I'm so young though. I love this privileged life too much to think of the end but I get what you mean."
"Thanks for that." I said seriously. I meant it too. I'm glad he was the only one who could understand me. The other guys had their moments at a given time but Harry; he was like my other half.
"So yeah, hey Louis, can you stop by a guitar shop near you?"
Knowing Harry he was probably out and about to dinner with some new starlet or old one, Harry doesn't discriminate. "What do you need man?"
Harry told me what was up and I wrote it down to make sure. We said our goodbyes and hung up the phone.
I stared at phone, debating what the fuck I should do about Twitter now. I decided to tweet from the verified just to make sure the world doesn't think I'm dead completely. Soon they're not going to care, I was serious about that, then what? Who's going to want me then? When I am a nobody, tired, drained and lost most of my talent because management drove me crazy all those years commodity? Who's going to love that guy?
I grabbed my phone up, logging into my verified, making sure to tweet something about someone indirectly.
Let's see how this goes.
@Louis_Tomlinson I think about you more you know, I know you're out there listening to me, when the truth comes out, please understand xx
In about a minute 10,000 retweets and 9,000 favorites emerged underneath. My first response was a directioner, big surprise. She was sweet though, not vulgar. I preferred these.
@BooBearGrl4Life that's really sweet Louis, I hope you find your happiness ! <3
I spent the next 5 minutes looking in my mentions. Charlotte wasn't online. Of course she wouldn't be. It's not like she watches me like everyone else on here. I so wanted her to right now, in this moment. This was so important to me I needed her here. I wanted to know if she read it. Even if she doesn't know I'm Troy and that I feel exactly as she does about me, I wanted her comment on this more than anything. I tried to keep my emotions intact as I stood up from being lazy all day. I grabbed the notes I wrote down for Harry and decided to get some fresh air. I can't be curled up here all week.
I took my keys and drove to the only guitar place I know who has what Harry's looking for. I pulled into the parking lot and killed the engine when I found a spot near the door.
I got out and walked inside the store, breathing out. I didn't realize I was holding in my breath until the air conditioner hit my face. I moved some hair that fell in my eyes and began scanning the store for the item Harry wanted. He had forgiven me so easily, that's kind of suspicious but then again, Harry avoids emotional confrontations a lot because honestly, he's the more emotional one in the group. Ugh, back to the task.
I searched for what I was looking and finally found it. I was about to pay for it when I heard soft singing behind me, listening closely. Strange, I went to go investigate where it was coming from. The radio? No…weird, it stopped. There it is again, soft breathy singing coming from the acoustic section. I forgot this store has some pretty sick classic guitars, some collectables. I crept around the corner and did a sharp intake of breath.
Caroline. She sat on the folding chair, eyes closed with a brand new shinny acoustic in her lap, ear phones on. She was mouthing some words and looked to be hypnotized or something. I couldn't see her eyes but her body was completely still. Her face held a concentrated look. Her brows were pushed together but the rest of her face was fully in the moment. I was gawking I know, I couldn't help myself. She looked so sexy with this determined, intense demeanor.
I hid myself around the corner, eyes still glued on her. Her loose hair fell passed her shoulders and she seemed as if she had slept a lot since last week. Good, I'm happy she took take of herself.
Should I go say hi? It's rude to stare. Shit. I probably should leave. But then, seeing her here, I missed her a little. Ok I missed her a lot, a ton.
"Finding everything you want?" I heard behind me and my hand moved, a bunch of maracas fell crashing to the ground. I winced in embarrassment, picking them up but the store clerk said it was fine.
I thanked her and answered her previous question, holy shit, even though my skin was tanned you could still see the blush all over my face. I turned around only to be met by an amused Caroline, her head phones off, her eyes staring me down. Oh shit.
"Um, hello." I said awkwardly.
"It's a bit early in LA to be drinking. Unless of course you're on London time." She winked.
I smiled sheepishly, but stopped right away when I made my way over to her. Was I actually doing this? Yeah it looks like it, before I could stop myself too.
"I'm not knackered if this is what you're inferring." I rebuffed.
She pursed her lips; her eyes stared down and then locked on me. "It's good to see you again."
I grinned, another blush coming in. Shit I can't control them now. "You too. How are you?"
I glanced at her foot and noticed she was wearing shiny flats, the wrap wasn't there anymore.
She shrugged briskly; it seemed she had more energy than the last time I saw her. "I heal fast."
She went back to strumming some rifts on the guitar, looking at her strings while she did the fingering and adjusting the pressure of the string.
"So what are you doing here, Louis?" She asked without looking at me.
I found it weird how alert she was. Last week she appeared everywhere, she seemed like a ball of confusion and now I'm the confused one.
I realized I hadn't answered and cleared my throat. "Erm, something for a friend. Just doing a favor for him."
"Well isn't that nice of you?"
"I am a nice guy."
She laughed and said something under her breath, sounded like "I bet" or something.
I pulled up a free chair next to her, watching her strum a few more cords, she was about to set the ear phones on when she looked at me.
I did a double take. "Am I bothering you?"
She shrugged removing the ear phones, smiling kind of sadly. "I'm wasting my time with this crap aren't I?"
She strummed a few nice licks and stopped harshly. "Ugh, I need to stop doing this." She got up suddenly, taking off the guitar around her neck.
"What?" I stood up and moved toward her when she started putting everything away. "Stop doing what?"
She bent down still cleaning up all the stuff she took with her when she sat down, putting away the ear phones.
She was quiet for a few moments until she turned around, glaring at me slightly. "I need to stop living in a fantasy."
She grabbed up her bag and started to move past me but I took her arm before she could get far. "Why? Caroline, what's wrong?"
Caroline shook her head, her hair falling in her face so I couldn't see her eyes. "Whatever, you wouldn't get it."
"Now look who's the scared one? You're just going to run away from me?" I pulled her by her arm closer to me; I wanted to see her eyes.
"It's a stupid dream Louis. I need to let it go. It's over." She tugged harder, looking at me briefly.
I saw her eyes finally and she looked like she was hiding a secret. What the hell is going on now?
"What's over, love? Tell me?" I moved her closer, any closer and we'd be…
She brought my face to hers, gazing in my eyes, she was telling me something but I was having a hard time making it out. "You make me want to chase my dream. But I can't have it anymore."
I pulled back, loosening my grip on her arm. "What if you can? I can help you get there."
She placed her hands on my face, leaning close to my lips. I couldn't take it anymore and suddenly closed the gap, taking her in my arms as I closed the door of the sound proof music room. I missed her lips; the way she knew exactly what I crave drives me nuts. It didn't last long; she pulled away with a scared look.
"We can't have everything. I told you that." She backed away and I started to go after her but stopped.
"Shit, why won't she tell me anything?" I decided this was a lost cause.
I looked at the area she was sitting in and she left some instruments out of the boxes. I paused when I looked at the guitar she was playing.
"Oh hey, this is our last make of this model." I turned to the voice and it was the clerk from before. "Did you find everything you need?"
I smiled, getting an idea. "I found something better."