The Sass Account
Birds were chirping all around me, my eyes found their life as they opened to the new day. A moan softly escaped my lips as I moved around before fluttering them open.
What's going on? My head, my foot, everything felt completely numb. Sunlight peeked through the partially open blinds alerting me awake as I yawned, stretching in the covers.
Bits of last night came flying back to me but most of the focus was put on lifting my head up, looking at the surroundings. I blinked before things became clear.
Louis. He stayed. He didn't leave.
I looked around the room and saw him sitting on the desk chair, his hands were folded and his face looked unreadable.
"Morning." I sat up straight, rubbing my head and eyes slowly trying to fully wake up.
He was staring at me with that beautiful face, his lips curving up.
"How did you sleep?" He asked me, clearing his throat.
I'm still trying to figure that out. "Alright I guess. What time is it?"
He glanced behind me; I followed his eyes and looked at the clock with him. "We slept 9 hours!"
Louis loudly laughed. I gave him a crossed stare but still blushed a bit. It didn't seem like that long actually. I haven't had a good night's sleep in a long time. All because of Louis? Wow, maybe I really did like him more than I thought. But of course, as luck would have it, he wouldn't feel the same. We barely know each other, I'm sure he's thinking about Hannah right now. Troy is such a ball buster. But I still like that guy. He spoke the truth and I respected that.
"Mad huh? The morning and the start of the day just flew by. We were literally up the entire night. But I liked it. Honestly, I haven't slept like that in a long time." He admitted, more surprised he was saying it.
He and I shared a look. We have a lot of those. I don't know what they mean. I broke the trance, moving the covers off my body. I felt his eyes on me but brushed it off as I got up. I went to get my PJ pants from the top drawer and slipped them on.
I looked at him as he stood up from the chair.
I grabbed for my hair tie pulling together the crow's nest I knew was living on my head. I'm sure it looked like I stuck my finger inside a socket. Wait, since when did I care about vanity? My vanity? Was never a problem before. I sighed, shrugging.
"Not much to say I guess."
I found it hard to talk to him with a sober mind. It was a little easier when I loosened up. The real me is awkward, stiff, disdainful and closed off. As if he didn't know.
"You said a lot last night." I could almost hear him smirking. When I turned around my beliefs were true.
I busied myself with cleaning up the clothes around my room. I didn't want to talk about last night. I remembered most of it, other parts were hazy but I seem to remember what Troy said very clearly right before I kissed Louis. Jesus, that kiss. I don't know what got into me. It was like I was possessed or something. Even if Louis still had feelings for Hannah I took a chance.
Now I am hoping we just move on from it. I don't hate Louis, but I don't really like Louis right now. But he did stay over. He didn't leave like someone in his elk would. I didn't think celebrities cared about anyone but the overrated attention and making money.
"Did I?" I replied sarcastically. I could feel the bitterness swirl around my mind but this time I didn't want to show it. My defense mechanism was held at bay, for now.
Louis was just looking at me. Waiting for me to move or do something. I didn't get it. Didn't he have better things to do than hang around a graveyard complex?
"Yeah, it was great. You were talking and I was seeing the real you. Or I don't know, getting to know you. It was nice."
Something about how he said "nice" got to me. Even though I didn't hear any pretense in the words, my suspicions still remained nevertheless.
I smiled but did my best to hide it. I can't let him know he has an effect on me. My life was so much easier before. I only wish I could go back to that.
I sat on the edge of my bed and he moved closer.
"May I?" He pointed to the bed.
I nodded carefully, trying to keep my emotions away. That was hard to do when Louis was merely 2 inches from me. God he smelled so good.
"Are you alright?"
I swallowed slowly, choosing my words. "Yes, I am."
"Then look at me."
I didn't move. My hands were shaking in my lap and I got more nervous by the seconds. This isn't fair. I don't normally lose control of my sanity, unless there's alcohol involved. Which explains last night.
Why did Louis have to be nice and not be an asshole? He knew me. I couldn't look. I won't look.
I felt my chin being turned but shut my eyes. "Open them up love."
I shook my head, my lips parted and I could feel the shakes consuming what's left of my strength. This wasn't right. He wasn't supposed to be this real.
His mouth was near my ear, his warm breath making goose bumps appear. Shit. Felt trapped. I couldn't move to stop him. What was wrong with me?
Licking my lips I felt his mouth move closer when he took off his hand from my chin. He placed his lips under my ear, kissing a spot so softly it felt like a dream.
"Louis…" I moaned his name. God help me all this seducing was confusing my logical thinking. I moved my hands to the back of his head bringing his face near mine; my eyes were suddenly wide open.
I was alert; everything inside me was completely alive. Found myself lost in the misty bliss of this passion never wanting to leave.
"I didn't know…I thought last night was enough." I breathed, his face came in front of me.
"Never." He pushed his lips onto mine, locking his emotions over me as we fell back on the bed with me on top.
I kissed him back with the same energy he thrust on me. Stealing parts of him I never thought I'd find in any man. I knew I was in trouble. I could feel my panties getting soaked at this point. Squirming in place, my hips were almost riding him through the thin material of my clothes.
Louis brought his hands firmly around my head, brushing my hair with his fingers, lips still connected as he reached in my hair to take off my ponytail, letting my hair fall over his face, touching his cheeks. I collected all of the wild parts moving it to the side and brushed his cheek with the back of my hand. I opened my mouth, allowing him to taste me finally. I couldn't get enough. He moaned deeply in my mouth and pulled away, I went in again but he made a weird gesture.
"What?" I was genuinely confused.
He sat up and moved away from me, not once looking back. He turned to face the wall, looking at it strangely. My heart was aching. What did I do? Oh god, it was me, I know it. I just turn people off. Gotten so used to acting this way, it's finally caught up to me.
"Sorry, I think I have to go." I felt the bed shift as he moved to stand up, moving further away from me.
I brought my fingers up to touch swollen my lips in a daze. A second he was in the moment and now this vague behavior happens. Suddenly, I realized something, only one thing came to mind.
Hannah. He must be thinking of her. Of course he wouldn't want me. Who would? I have nothing to offer him.
"OK, go ahead." Why waist time crying over this? Just leave already. Stop playing with my head. Stop playing with my heart. It's been hurt enough.
His sympathetic eyes felt remorse. "I—" He paused, his hand rubbed his neck as a red flush came to his cheek. "It's not you. Trust me."
"I don't know if I want to hear it. You can go."
He moved forward but I flinched back. What's he doing now?
"Just a little too much reality for me I suppose." He said with a sad smile.
He blushed, looking down then back up at me, moving a bit more closer. He managed to get so close to me and never once took his eyes off of me.
He stared at me intently as if he was recalling something. I just didn't know what.
"You remind me of someone and honestly it's freaking me out because you're not her. You're you."
I was amused now, moving my face to get a better look in his eyes. I wanted to see something unique, something I remembered from backstage at the auditions. Then I thought of what Troy said. I pulled back, blinking as I realized something.
It was Hannah. I reminded him of his ex girlfriend. Shit. Now I have that hanging over me.
"I am me. And you are…Louis." I rolled my eyes at how lame that sounded actually saying it that way.
He took my hand; it was a light touch that made me look down on his fingers touching the hand in my lap.
"Maybe it's best I probably should go. Will you be alright?"
I shrugged calmly. In some ways it was nice having him here. The company wasn't really boring and he's not so bad when he's not being told what to say or do. It almost feels like he's not really here, like I'm still asleep. I only hope I don't wake up, not now. But I want this to be real. To have it all be a dream would devastate me.
"Yeah." I nodded. I can take it from here without him, even though it was a nice change to have him around.
I looked at him more directly as if to confirm it.
"I should be."
He leaned forward, close to my ear; his other hand was on the mattress for support. "Let me know if you need anything alright love?"
I gave an affirming noise and he kissed my cheek softly, pulling away to stare at me again. It's weird, I feel like every time he stared me I am transported back to those first moments we met. He brings my cravenness out and I didn't like it.
He moved forward toward my face suddenly. Oh shit.
Wow, did I really tell him real name last night? I haven't been called by that name in a long time. I felt young all of a sudden. Like a dreamer with hope wearing on my sleeve.
"Yeah?" I meekly replied.
"If you want me to, I mean if you, I can come next week, is that OK?"
I instantly was terrified of what that could mean. I moved away slightly since he was moving a lot closer now, inch by inch. I could feel his breath covering my face.
"U-up to you." I gave the best answer I could.
Saying yes would make it easy for him. I'm still not sure of his intentions yet. I didn't want to be played even if it's Louis. Millions of girls would only dream of this opportunity. I laughed at how weird all of this was so I hid my face, still smiling but my hand covered it up. I think he saw it still. He saw me smile. No, fuck me. I caught myself when he gave me a funny off look.
He shook his head, obviously something amused him. "Nothing, just when you smile, it's interesting."
I waited for more, I didn't get it. My brows twisted in a question mark. He grinned, biting his lip as he glanced at me with a relaxed expression.
"When you smile it changes your face."
"Like in a weird way?" I winced.
He laughed softly. I was a bit turned on by the husky sound. Couldn't help myself.
He held my gaze, licking his lips. "No, it's a good thing."
I breathed in shaky and felt petrified. I thought he was leaving. Now he's acting like he wants to stay.
I faked a smile, hoping it would pass. But before I could say anything he spoke.
"Don't do that. Your real one looks better." He smiled; the crinkles reached the corner of his eyes. He really has a perfect smile. Listen to me, I sound obsessed like one of his fans. Ugh.
I licked my lips, looking down on the floor.
He took my chin with his hand bringing me up to meet his level. "We OK?"
I nodded slowly, my speech was frozen. I felt that girl coming back. Oh no. Caroline from that day, the name I used, the supposed "real me" wants to come out and play. She's a part of me I left lying where solace in faith still existed. I thought I threw her away years ago. I can't be vulnerable. I don't trust easily remember? It's sad I have to remind myself to be aware. Louis won't hurt me though, will he?
When I looked in his eyes I felt calm, I knew the answer.
'Yeah, we are." I looked behind him at the clock on the cable box. "It's almost 4 now."
He glanced at what I was looking at then gave me a knowing smile. Did he just pout? What the fuck?
He stood up and took my hand to walk with him. I was surprised I didn't protest. I think he was just helping me stand up. He held my hand as we walked over to the door in silence.
Shame he couldn't stay, though I can't simply ask for that. I waited for him to make a move. He turned to the side, looking at me until I looked back before he touched the handle.
Louis scratched his hair; I could tell he could use a shower and a shave. Why am I keeping him here?
He looked at my wrapped foot. I just noticed that it was a thin fabric now covering me which felt better than two bound together. It was less tight. He might have changed it some time last night.
"If you're bruising at all make sure you place a hot and cold compress over it. Leave the wrap over it because your skin can be sensitive to the temperatures."
I didn't know where he was going with this or why he wasn't just walking out like a normal person would. Maybe I had him pegged way off. He's far from normal.
He was waiting for me to say something. I thought quickly using very little words as possible.
"Thank you, I'll do that."
He pressed his mouth together in a thin smile. "Mum is a nurse. That's what she told me when it happened."
I'm so confused now. I wanted him to leave but I wanted to pull him inside until I was completely healed. Having him here was a lot more helpful than doing things alone.
"Thank you Louis." I smiled, feeling my face respond to his nice gesture.
"And…if you feel pain then take your prescription. Not just because I said so, but the doctor said it was mandatory."
I am feeling overwhelmed by all of this from a guy I never thought I'd run into again, not even in another lifetime. I felt a blush crept up, I was embarrassed. Seeing Louis Tomlinson this way was making me feel uncomfortable, making me hide my face more than I normally do. What happened to my spunk? Why am I so serene all of a sudden? Shit if I know, I'm so fucking tired I rubbed my eyes looking around the room.
"Take care of it OK?" My eyes whipped over to him.
I nodded, maybe my body language will be picked up on eventually and he'll get the message.
Louis gave a professionally rehearsed smile, hesitating before grabbing at the handle, beginning to turn it. It felt like everything was in slow motion. I looked at his hand, body, my eyes scaling up to his head, staring at the back of it as he pulled the door a crack.
I rushed over and closed the door with a force, making him face me. I pushed my lips onto his feeling for something. This kiss was a lot of more intense than the others. I let him feel the urgency the more I poured of me. I really had a problem here. All I could think about was being with him, in that moment, being his, even if it was for today. I pressed my body, more like chained myself so he was trapped against me. I wanted to feel how turned on he was. Fuck yes. I got my wish. That second he ground his hips into mine, I knew then, my body reacted by eliciting a moan from deep inside my desires.
I was the first to pull away, breathing heavily. He was also but he made a move to kiss me again, touching my cheek so gently, taking his time in exploring what pleases me. He should know the answer now.
I rested my forehead against his, he kissed me again. I loved his lips; I wanted to keep them on lonely nights every day of my life. I wanted to store his kisses when I feel like my feelings aren't worth anything. The way he's making me feel right now, all I want to do is feel with him.
I nodded my head when I saw the look in his eyes. He wanted this too. I couldn't do this to him. But…I know its unfair. He still loves her. It isn't right. Jesus what the fuck is wrong with me?
I let him go and moved out of his path when he tried again to kiss me. What have I started? He really needs to leave. I don't know how much of this I can control. How much I so badly didn't care if he still loved Hannah. Throwing all caution to the wind to spill out everything I am feeling right now, could I risk it? Knowing his heart is still attached to her?
Jesus, I firmly pulled away, can't believe I'm doing this.
"Leave, please…" I felt tears beginning to sting my eyes and I knew I had to turn around so he wouldn't see me so weak.
It was all because of him. Damn Troy for saying the truth. This is what I get, can I handle it? Do I have a choice? Volcanic emotions were about to implode everywhere.
"Leave Louis. I'll be fine." I marched to the kitchen, searching for my lighter and pack of cigs.
I had one left; I placed it with shaky hands in my mouth and lit it up. I haven't smoked in days; it was like saying hello to my only friend; the self-destructive kind.
"I'm coming back next week. Promise you Caroline." I closed my eyes, puffed another drag as my tears dropped rapidly down my cheeks and onto the counter.
I heard the front door being opened, a small shut indicated his leave and then I fell to the ground, terribly frustrated with myself. I wanted to go to the door and call out to him but I was too fucked up to see anything logical.
How could I play games with him? How could Louis not tell me he still loves Hannah? How could either of us get so fucking far into this we can't say this?
My back hit the cabinets when I went to sit up. My heart was squeezing, I felt like I might suffocate. I wanted more. So much more than I gave him. But it isn't right. I am not the one he wants. I took a long dangerous drag, letting the smoke inhibit my better thoughts. I wish I could put away these feelings like I've done before. I'd gotten so good at not caring, it can't be the truth.
He's opening my heart and I blame myself for falling deeper than he cared for me.
Whoa, like no, what in the actual fuck is happening to me? I don't feel this way. I don't know how to feel this way. How can this be real? How can I kiss him and not feel repulsion?
I forced my body up, tears hanging off the edge of my face as I charged to the closet, looking for something. An old wicker box I had since I moved in here. Gotta be here somewhere. It was a keepsake and inside it held all my secrets. Ones Louis Tomlinson wouldn't want to know.
I took up the box, opening it up. I pulled out the Polaroid of Louis and I three years ago. In the picture I had a real smile on my face; he had his arm around my waist. I remember in that moment how it felt when he touched me so innocently. We barely spoke, I only just met him, but I felt it. Something, the picture was a warm reminder of that day. I kept it all this time.
Louis was so beautiful and we were both happy in this moment. We looked happy together. But this picture isn't life. It's a moment frozen in time. A pretty moment that can't come back, I stared at the picture as more tears fall from my eyes and I realized how stupid I was to dream so big. I wanted a life, wanting a man that was never mine.
I need to get my head out of the clouds and be an adult. Listen to my mom, she was right. Can't believe I'm saying this.
Louis Tomlinson will never feel the same way I feel about him. I can't have everything. Even though some part of me still wanted to. Still grasped the notion of true happiness.
I grabbed my guitar up with my strong hand, sitting down on the couch just looking at this rusty acoustic. Crazy ideas were buzzing around in my mind. The truth was hitting me harder than I can keep up. My heart broke, my life changed, it finally happened.
I was inspired again.