The Sass Account
Louis held my hand as I got inside his car and wondered what was going on with me. I was being weak for him, was that a good thing? I do have deep feelings for him, we're friends, I suppose. He's easy to talk to, but in the back of my mind I feel like the feelings run deeper than just friends, are they feelings of something more? If I have to question it isn't that my answer? I sighed looking over at his beautiful profile. I couldn't resist kissing his cheek, telling him how wonderful he is, telling him how much I wanted him because I did. I have no idea what he was feeling and I really wanted to know. One thing I know right now is that I wanted him near me.
But it wasn't just sexual. I wanted him. I wanted Louis William Tomlinson, I fell for the real him even though we barely talked. And I think he knows. How does he feel? He returns my kisses and the way he just touched me in my car proves how badly he wants me. But what about his heart? Who has that? Is it still Hannah? Or is there someone else? Does he love Eleanor like my worst nightmares predicted? He probably does. How could I think he'll feel the same?
I have a feeling the paparazzi were already following us around because twitter already had grainy pictures and unclear shots of Louis and I where we last were. Plus there were a few shots of us at another location thinking we were alone. I already feel violated. I didn't look too much at the pictures because then I would start to hate Louis and it wasn't his fault. One Direction is still hotter than anything right now and I should expect this comes with being with him, even being his friend. No wonder Troy tells me he rarely hangs out with Louis anymore.
I squeezed Louis' hand and he turned to me, smiling. I like that. I like this; I like what we have, whatever that is. When he looked at me just now, all that other stuff goes away. I don't let my paranoid thoughts take over what matters. He brought my hand to his lips and pressed them gently against my fingers. I blushed, looking down as we approached another intersection.
I hated conversations while driving, especially the stuff I wanted to bring up now. I had so many things to ask him if this was going to be my life. I guess I have to tell Louis about his friend too. Maybe meeting Troy tonight isn't the smartest thing. I could just tell Louis because he's the one I want. Troy…he and I bonded. Sure you could say over stupid, trivial things like Louis' personal life, terrible top40 songs and the fact that he can do an American accent that sounds like Louis' accent. That was a fun conversation, in fact, Troy and I bonded that night more than any time we talked. I knew I could talk to him about anything. But Louis…I felt things I couldn't describe. With Troy, he was just a friend. Louis has my heart, even though he doesn't know it.
"Tell me what you're thinking, love?" Louis said deeply.
I sucked in my lip, trying so hard not to withhold anything from him. I'll tell him everything when we get to his. For now, he shouldn't know too much, being on the road.
I am waiting on everything else, especially on Charlotte and Troy.
"I was just thinking about the surprise." I said curiously.
"What of it?"
"Hmm, trying to guess what it is. I have a feeling it's either going to make me really happy or, well, the opposite."
Louis laughed, driving with one hand as he made a turn on another affluent street. My eyes followed him as he glanced to me briefly but so sweet. I wanted him to do it again.
"There is nothing to be afraid of."
"And I should just trust you?" I smirked, hint of flirt in my voice.
He grinned so wide his eyes were nearly closed. "You should always trust me. I'm good with making people feel safe and happy."
I think now we're having a blush fest because I couldn't stop. I didn't hide my face either. "I see that." Feel it too. I'm beginning to believe him.
"Haha, you think I'm going to embarrass you, do you?"
He looked at me sideways sarcastically but I shook my head, shrugging. I was a little nervous but I don't think he would do that to me.
"No," I stretched out the "o" in the word. "I don't think so. Just, usually when somebody says surprise, unless it's you're birthday, my mind wonders. But I don't think it's a bad one. It isn't, right?"
"No, you should have more faith in me. In us-I mean, like, when I say surprise it's always good. Bad news usually means exactly that."
"Good point." I relaxed now. What am I so afraid of? "This is why I'm not allowed around people. They usually don't like it."
And it was true; I never really had a best friend or someone I could talk to. Most people think I'm an asshole and I think they're assholes to judge me without talking to me. It's a vicious cycle. No one knows what this life is like until they become me for a day. And I don't want them too. I never thought of living my life exactly as I want it until I saw Louis. I didn't think you could have everything and be happy at the same time. What is having everything though?
I glanced at Louis as he drew circles with his thumb on top of my hand. Is this what it means?
Being in love and the other loving you back? Not struggling in a job you hate, doing something you really like and getting paid for it? Having someone encourage you because you just don't believe in yourself at all? Having someone be there when you need them? What is happiness? I guess it's anything we want it to be. I don't think it's supposed to hurt, I've had that.
I was falling for Louis Tomlinson and I couldn't stop myself. I felt him stroke my knee, taking my hand and lacing it with his.
"You're allowed to be around me. And if anyone does anything, I'll always protect you." Louis said softly as we stopped again at a street light.
His blue eyes focused on me so strongly, so seriously. I examined his words carefully now.
Something about what he said made me stop and think. My brain flashed suddenly.
I woke up from an eerie nightmare in cold sweat, reaching out but all I grabbed was air. No, it wasn't real. Shit. It's happened again.
I had a nightmare that I didn't remember anything. All this, even my pathetic existence was lost to me and I didn't want to live anymore. I was standing on the ledge of some building, wanting to jump off and stop everything from hurting so much.
But somebody stopped me. He gave me his hand and I told him I couldn't hold on any longer because I was slipping. I told him to let me die. I'm already dead inside and it had to happen. I'm no one, I don't exist. The man told me he knew me and he loved me. He told me I have a reason to stay alive, because of him. I didn't recognize him at all. His face was blurry and I could barely hear his voice.
I grabbed this man's hand again and I pulled so hard he came over and fell passed me, off of the building. I looked away and jumped awake, sitting up with shakes in my bed. This is where I am now.
I grabbed my phone, thinking of who to call. There was no one. I had no one in my life to talk to. No one but—
"Troy…" I signed onto twitter, hoping he'd be on. I prayed he was. I needed him so much right now. "Come on, please help me."
I waited for things to load with shaky hands. I couldn't contact Louis because, well because he and I, there is no he and I. All I had was Troy. Least I think so. I'll probably kill myself if Troy doesn't answer me.
Finally I got a chance to write something, god I hope I can reach him. Everything depends on his response now.
Charlotte: Please I need to talk to you….help me I need you right now!
I let tears slip off my face as I wiped the sweat from my forehead. I grabbed a glass of water from the nightstand, chugging it down my throat as it stung me instead of cooling me off.
Please Troy, save me.
I got a vibration, yes!
Troy: What's wrong love? Are you alright?
I was so riled from the DM I couldn't type well. My fingers were shaking.
Charlotte: I had a nightmare it was fucking scary! I'm sorry about this. I have no one to talk to now…
I felt my forehead again, just as I thought: cold and clammy. I hated feeling this way. I was feeling a little better but now my sleep is permanently disrupted.
I smiled slightly through the despair when I saw a blue square.
Troy: What can I do angel? Tell me…?
Charlotte: I feel like these nightmares are going to kill me eventually. Do you ever have them?
Troy: I'm not known to have them but when I do, it's pretty bad. I wake up in sweat clutching the sheets wondering what's real
Charlotte: It was so real. I couldn't see his face. It was so scary, he fell instead of me! I don't even know who he was…
Troy: Well you're safe now. It wasn't real. I know its hard to see that now, when I get nightmares I try to think of other things that make me happy. Like you :)
I smiled, biting back tears; I wish I could see his face right now. Give him a kiss and hug him tightly for everything.
Louis' face came to my thoughts again. I can't feel so deeply about two guys like this. I don't even know Louis; we barely talked to each other. He doesn't get me the way Troy does.
What was I thinking? Like at this moment he'd actually think of me like I was of him? That's a tall guess but my strong opinion on that is no. I'm sure he's forgotten about his good Samaritan offer almost immediately that night. I can't feel anything positive for someone who's so dismissive. He really doesn't know me at all.
Charlotte: I can't believe a guy like you is real. I feel like this a dream :)
Troy: I wish I was there with you. Holding you until you fall asleep
Charlotte: You are so much better than Louis, you're practically flawless. I wish you were here too
Troy: Mustn't say things like that love, Louis is not so bad and I'm a pretty good judge of the kind of person he is
Charlotte: I just want you here is all!
Troy: I am there, whether you can see me or not, I'll always protect you :)
Even though I couldn't see him it felt so good to know that someone cares. Louis would never say those words to me. Why would he?
I pulled from the flashback, immediately touching underneath my eyes as tears dripped off my face.
Troy, Louis? Louis, Troy? No…it's not possible. Seriously, its two different people. I never even met Troy but I have met Louis. This is crazy. I am blowing this way out of proportion. And if it was, would it be so bad? Would it change things between us? If Louis was pretending to be Troy then…? Oh shit, I don't have an answer to that.
I glanced over at Louis more focused on the road than anything and wiped the corners of my eyes, hiding all traces of sorrow. He'll ask questions. But then, I'm the one that should be asking questions.
Louis pulled up to a clean neighborhood with fancy condominiums on both sides of the street. He came to a stop, opening the garage gate and parked close to the door leading to the condos.
As he turned off the engine, he paused for a second before unbuckling his seat belt and looked at me. His face pulled in concern.
"What's wrong?" He asked, wiping my face with his thumb.
If Louis was really Troy then he knows my secrets. And in turn, I know all his. Why do I think any of this is possible? Two very different people we have here. Why the fuck am I questioning wither Louis would spend all those times, all those nights talking to me, a stranger, someone who thought of him from afar and never dreamed she'd see again? Someone who was horrible to him that night we met?
I laughed softly, turned ten shades of red and wiped my eyes avoiding the look he was giving me. I moved his hands away attempting to brush it off.
"What's wrong baby? Talk to me?"
My mind was suddenly being flung back into confusion land and I was forced to go along for the ride.
Oh no, fuck.
Troy: Talk to me, tell me things. Come on love, its me! Talk to me :p
These flashes were fucking irritating me. It's just a coincidence. There is nothing to be suspicious about. Louis can be trusted. I haven't even met Troy. He's a nice guy but it seems like he's an online therapist. He's a friend. Louis, he's right in front of me. Charlie, you know what you have to do.
I looked at him through soft eyes, glossed over with lust. I couldn't control myself anymore as I grabbed Louis by the collar of his jacket and smashed my lips over his, silencing any concern I had that he was anyone but who I know he is. I wanted this Louis. I can't kiss someone who hides. Louis is not Troy, they are different.
I slid my tongue inside his mouth, trying to dance around to find his and when I did finally the senselessness disappeared instantly. I felt my rage inside me as I cupped his cock through his jeans, no fucking way, he was solid. Was it me? Wow, I didn't know I could turn anyone on like this. I rubbed him through his pants, hearing him groan more of a grunt against my mouth. I shivered down in my hips and couldn't control the shaking that following when he touched my skin, feeling me up under my shirt, kneading my breasts as I hissed my next breath.
Jesus fucking Christ. I wanna own this guy, I felt like destroying him in every possibly way. Make him feel exactly what I'm feeling.
I made a motion to unzip his pants but he took my hand and placed it around his neck and he slowed down the kisses to a more romantic pace, breathing in that new name he was calling me. I liked it. Never thought of myself as a "Carrie" before. When Louis said it, I melted at the name and I hate nicknames. It rolled off his tongue and turned me on more than I can say.
We pulled away after I felt him grab my hand like he meant it, holding me firmly against him. His breathe over my face alerted me that I had to stop. I didn't want to control myself but it's not time for this. He knows it too, that moment he looked at me, smiling before kissing me gently, using his other hand to brush my bottom lip with his thumb.
It was swollen, hot and fervently on fire. He stared at my lips then flicked his eyes up to me finding mine, following the daze he put there purely with his passion.
"I've got something to show you. Come inside with me." He whispered against my lips, kissing me softly that I felt electricity run through my body. He looked at me, holding my eyes in his. "Are you sure you're alright? I need to know. Just tell me, love?"
He hands cupped my cheeks and my hands come over them, removing them slowly. "Everything is fine. Don't worry about me Louis."
"I can't help it. I'm just concerned for you. I want you to know you can be honest with me about anything, yeah? If you have anything to say, something you want to tell me that I should know then say it. You can trust me."
I then realized something. I never really learned Louis' real name. His last name is Tomlinson but I knew was something else. He was born with another name so I kept hearing from the fans. Troy, Louis, was it his middle name? What was Louis' middle name? Was it William like I remember or something else? Oh gosh he's looking at me like that. If Louis really is Troy then he knows me better than I think he does.
Oh shit, what if it really is? No way of knowing for sure until I just ask him.
If Louis is Troy, how would that make me feel? It's possible. But the question is…will it change everything?
No, it wouldn't. It's fate. And I am completely falling in love with him. I just have to keep it to myself and I won't get hurt.
These feelings will go away right? Isn't this how it works? Its how a lot of things have worked for me. Because nothing good will really ever happens to me. Louis is just a really good friend.
I can't get inside his head to know what he feels for me. I'm pretty certain he feels sorry for me in many ways, maybe he's lonely and he needs someone near him. The thing is, I am exactly the same, but I don't want this to be the excuse because I genuinely want to know him.
"I do trust you. I promise there's nothing to tell." I smiled, letting it reach my eyes, the creases keeping the tears from releasing.
"Babe, tell me, is that true? Cuz, you know me, I want you to be honest with me."
I removed myself from his hands and stared forward. If this is fate…if Louis and I are meant to be together than if he knows the truth, he won't be upset with me. It's completely meant to be. But he doesn't know this. I looked at him through the corner of my eye. I find it hard to lie to him now. I can't lie to him. I am not even sure how he feels about me.
"I am being honest. Everything is fine." I chewed on my lip as I felt his eyes scan me. I knew he was staring me down and I felt naked. I couldn't take it, my flushed cheeked returned. "Louis, haha, I am telling the truth. There is nothing to worry about. Besides, I am more interested in the surprise than anything. So, what is it?"
He looked at me for at least 30 seconds though it felt longer. I couldn't tell if he was asleep or really looking through me. I smiled and blushed. He was taking this so serious; I just wanted him to lighten up now. He's being a little too wound up. I heard him laugh finally, bringing my hand to his lips and pressing gently onto my fingers.
When I stared at him more directly, he leaned against my forehead as if this was a game to him. There's the little boy I missed.
"It's going to make you smile, promise you." He said in a husky tone.
He gave me a final kiss, nuzzling my nose with his. He is such a child. Louis raised his brows suggestively and unlocked the doors.
I get to see his place, his home, where he lives; this scared me because nothing is more private or personal than being in someone's home.
When I opened the door, Louis was in front of me, offering his hand. I took it in mine, feeling less intense.
Thanks for reading!