Pretend It's Ok

Gharram's life had spun out of control. She had no sense of what was going on around her. She was lost in her own world of alcohol and lights. Everything seemed more dim. Nothing was bright and the only vision she could see before was her very own reflection. Her phone would constantly ring and her texts would pop up every few minutes.

She knew it was him. She knew it would be him. She ignored him nonetheless. It wasn't spite of how he had been behaving but how he treated everything, how Gharram couldn't handle herself, how her life was at the peak of the roller coaster and she herself knew that it was time...

Time for a change.

The lavish life of crazy animalistic behavior was getting old. Gharram stood in the back of the club, 23 years old, with nothing but her phone next to her and bottle of beer. Everyone had gone home - a few drunkards in their slumber all over the floor carelessly. She gazed at them intoxicated seeing herself that way.

Was this what her life had measured up to? Was this what people seen her as? Was this how everyone in India depicted Gharram Sharma?

Gharram huffed a chuckle. It wasn't just a chuckle, it had been one of self pity. Yes, self pity. Sympathy. Gharram felt bad for herself. Where would she be in ten years? The question lingered on her mind for a while. She stared expressionless at the lifeless dance floor before her. Her eyes froze on the bottle next to her. She could see from the corner of her that she had received another text. She didn't bother with it seeing as it was Harry.

She wasn't in the mood for anyone. She didn't need anyone at the moment.

Another text popped up turning her stomach a little. Her eyebrows furrowed as she noticed that it had been her aunt from Queens.

Auntie:
"Namaste mere jaan. Happy Diwali from all of us here. Hope all is well!! Tons tons tons of love.

- Auntie Naina."

Her heart sunk as she remembered what day it was. She smacked her forehead with her palm repeatedly, "How could I be so stupid?" She got up gathering her things (which was her black pumps, clutch and jacket), "Fuck all this shit!"

Gharram had begun her walk home not knowing what to do next. She knew one thing was for sure. She sent a reply back to her aunt and decided that maybe it was suitable for her to check up on her mother. Which was what she did! Before heading over to her apartment, she paid her a quick visit.

Knocking on the door outside, she stared at the ground not knowing what to say first. Her mind was cluttered, her was at her throat and her emotions awry. The chilly fall air didn't make it any less easier as well. Everything seemed so perfect at the same time. Perfect in a negative way of course.

Her heart sprung as soon as the door opened. She had seen a smiling woman at her door dressed in casual Indian clothing; a sari and veil. "Hi Gharram!", she sang.

"Ammi!", she jumped into her arms her emotions finally freeing themselves.

A burst of shock exploding from her mom's face soon faded into a tiny smirk. She knew that this would happen and she was expecting it sooner or later. "Come inside, mere beti (my daughter in Hindi)."

Gharram had explained her entire situation with her mother. Everything from her and Harry to herself and her life. Her mother sat there feeding her sweets and any comfort foods she could think of - seeing as her daughter needed the comfort. Gharram cried. Hell, she sobbed every bit she possibly could.

Gharram's problems were internally. She was the only person that could do anything about it. Her mother's advice could only go so far. It was what Gharram would do with her own devils. She felt as though maybe it was time for change.

"I need to be more focused on myself.", she continued chewing on the Oreo. "It's time, ma."

Her mother nodded her head slowly in agreement, "I was waiting for this to happen. I think its your time. Your time..." She grabbed the glass full of juice in her hand, "Your time."

Gharram was bothered by everything so she did what she was known best at doing....

She ran away from her problems to put herself back together and would return stronger than before. She knew what she had to do this time. Last time a situation occurred between her and Harry, she booked her flight to New York. Now she was in New York, hitting her breaking point of all breaking points, she had one place to go...

"Yeah hello?", she said into her phone. "I'm fine...", she sighed running her fingers through her silky jet black hair. "I just need you to a book a flight..."





Harry wasn't feeling any better. He actually was feeling even more worse than he had been doing before. He laid on his bed silently looking at the side table drawer. On the drawer laid his phone. He waited for some sort of sign of her and yet...nothing.

Harry could hear the silence of his flat. The ticking of the clock drove him mad, the pitter patter of the autumn rain sounded on the window pane and the ticking oddly got louder. He grunted again taking his pillow and throwing it across the room. The force he exerted from his body made him feel a little better. Grabbing another pillow he launched it. The pillow landed next to the previous one that had been thrown. Harry got up taking another item in his hand throwing it towards his door. Harry gripped the blue vase next to his bed. Gripping it as hard as possible he tossed the force of impact causing the glass to shatter and splatter all over the floor.

Harry then grabbed anything he could get his hands on. His room a mess and dishevelled, he couldn't see the floor anymore. Without looking he threw the next object.

The glass shattered.

Harry stood frozen. He watched as the glass shards spread everywhere and the picture slipping from it slightly. The frame had broken. His eyebrows furrowed as his expression grew cold. He walked up to the damaged frame placing it in his cold hands. Taking the picture out and wiping off any signs of remains or dust, Harry stared at it. The picture was taken in the first fashion show Gharram had invited him to. The smile on her face made his insides fuzzy, the deep dents on her cheeks caused his heart to soar and that moment he had realized that he had never really gotten over her.

A buzzing from his phone caught him off guard. Harry had turned around for some odd reason this time. The buzzing continued as it was Liam calling him. Harry placed the photo onto his bed and picked up the vibrating phone in his hand. He hesitated to swipe his thumb across the answer icon. His heartbeat oddly picked up and he could barely feel his feet.

"Yeah...", he answered quickly before it could hang up. His eyebrows furrowed and eyes were more alert. Harry was suddenly happy to have answered. "I'll talk to you later then..."





Gharram didn't hesitate when she booked her ticket to India. Yup, India. She needed to feel her homeland under her feet and embrace the culture and religion waiting for her return. Gharram needed time alone to figure her life out at the Golden Temple in Amritsar, India.

Before she had left, Gharram entered a secret room in the back of her bedroom in her flat. In this secret room that she had cleverly designed herself, lied a ritual room. All the lights in the room had been turned off. The lit lamps created the atmosphere that she yearned for. One last prayer was all she needed before she left. This one prayer would be to none other than Harry Edward Styles.

Grabbing her bags and making sure every lamp had been off, she walked out with no hesitation. She wore her traditional white and red sari to the airport. She walked out to the cab seeing the New York buildings that grew so familiar to her. It felt as if she was leaving everything for good when in fact, it had just been her old self that she would be leaving behind.

She felt herself deteriorate inside watching the scene before pass by in the back seat window of the SUV she rode in.

"Ma'am...", the driver in the black formal suit had called out to her.

Normally Gharram would correct him, cuss him out and tell him to never call her by 'ma'am' ever again. This time she let it be. She felt it would just be bringing her oldself back to square one again.

"Yes..", she answered politely.

"Is there anyone you would like to see before you leave?", he asked while making a right turn.

Gharram's heart dropped into her stomach. Everything felt tight around her as he popped up into her head. She had said her good byes to everyone she could and sent out texts to those unreachable - Melinda strangely didn't reply, but she figured maybe she had been busy. She contemplated if it would be a good idea to bid him good bye.

"Ye...", she felt her throat clog up as if telling her not to say it. "No, thank you for asking..."

She turned her face to the window noticing a rain drop fall onto it. Gharram watched as the droplet made its way down the side of the car. She basked in the memories that her and Harry had shared. From the first meeting at the Brits to the fashion shows she had been featured to the award she had received from Maxim. She, of course, had been there for his achievements as well. Never had Gharram missed a shining moment of Harry's.

She then realized just how much Harry had cared for her. When she had been sick or when she had been perfectly fine, Harry had been there for her. As much as she didn't want to admit it, he had been there for her more than Melinda was able to. But that was the thing, when Melinda wasn't able to - because of Zayn problems - Harry was always there to pick her up from the ground. A tear had rolled down her warm cheeks and she hadn't noticed. She felt numb.

She didn't know if what she was doing was right anymore.

Gharram then heard the trunk and doors unlock, she had reached JFK airport. She was startled not noticing just how much she had been tearing.

"This is it...", she said walking out the vehicle with her purse.





Harry had no idea of the spontaneous actions this girl was capable of. One of the many reasons he admired her so much. He parked his car quickly outside the airport taking his keys with him, he ran through the doors dodging people. He could feel his heart beat out of his chest, but he didn't care. Harry needed to see her face one last time.

He looked to the left and to the right. He seen the signs that displayed the departures and take-offs.

"All flights to Amritsar, India please board the plane...", the voice echoed into his ears.

Harry had no idea which are of India she was going, but he had a feeling it would be there. Harry ran to Gate 23 as fast as possible. Looking like a mad man - he hadn't cared anyway at the shocked looks on people's faces and a few screams here and there -, Harry passed everyone reaching each gate number as he passed along.

19

20

21

22...

"23!", Harry half-screamed. He seen her standing there giving her ticket to the flight attendant. His heart was at his throat and his finger tips numb. He didn't know what else to do. He did what he could...





"GRAMZ!", her eyes widened at the flight attendant.

The voice familiar as it could be, her hand froze, her body froze, her feet glued to the floor... She turned her face to the left of her seeing the full head of curls in every which way, a slim tall figured man staring at her catching his breath. She looked at him not knowing what to do. The tears fell freely from her eyes. Her throat clogged up forbidden her to speak.

She watched as he walked closer to her still breathing heavily trying his best to catch himself before he passes out. Gharram had no idea what to do.

"Gramz, listen to me please!", Harry said coughing as he reached closer.

Gharram shook her head tearing as doing so. She couldn't speak.

"Oh my...", a tiny sound came from the flight attendant's mouth.

"I'm done listening, Harry...", Gharram spoke with a raspy tone in her voice. "I just want to breathe again. Let me go, for good this time.", her tears fell heavily her throat feeling like a ton of bricks had been stuck. "Let...me go..."

"But Gramz...", Harry begged quietly to her tears rimming his eyes threatening to fall. "I'm sorry...", he pleaded silently to her. "Please....", he begged her letting all sense of pride fall from him. Harry gave no attention to anyone around her or him. "I'm sorry."

Gharram at this point lost all sense of strength as she couldn't take anymore emotional distress. She couldn't go anywhere but ahead of her from this point on. She had to leave. She wasn't meant to stay here any longer. Gharram refused to be in a city filled with so much hurt. She needed to find herself so that she could develop a much bigger barrier.

She took the ticket from the flight attendant avoiding holding up the line. With one last glance at the green-eyed, beautifully structured man before her, she turned her face. Gharram walked up to him leaving an everlasting kiss on his cheek. She couldn't bare to see the hurt she knew she was about to cause. Gharram bit her lip refusing to let out a sob. She turned her face avoiding what Harry had caused.

"I'm sorry too..."

Notes