Pretend It's Ok

It was warm. Warmer than usual as I felt a light breeze caress my arms up to my neck seeping into my messy tousled black hair. I could feel the sun beaming down on us filling our bodies with natural heat. The movement of our chests and her soft breathing was all I could hear and feel.

Melinda's head rested on my chest as we laid on the comfortable green grass. The chirps of birds in the distance and rustling of flowers and trees caused by the wind made our atmosphere unbelievably overwhelming. The scenery was...serene. The colors were so vibrant. This truly felt like paradise. I could smell the floral scent of her hair seeping into my nose as I inhaled the beautiful environment around me. My hands were under my head acting as a pillow as I closed my eyes taking in everything around me.

I could feel her breathing steadily on me which only enhanced the exhaustion - or was it relaxation? - in my body. I look down at her as she slept quietly and peacefully. Her long curly lashes twitched with each blink and her plump lips parted with each breath. Melinda's hair blew in the wind gently brushing against my arms as I wrapped her in them. I held onto her causing her to awaken.

I couldn't take her sleeping anymore. I needed her to be awake with me. I've waited much too long for her to just sleep on me. I yearned her voice and craved her expressions.

"Zayn...", she whispered.

My heart beat increased rapidly. Her voice had the hugest effect on my well-being. All I wanted was to hear her say my name all day - and that wasn't meant as an innuendo. The tired raspiness that it contained just sent jolts all over my body. It was blissful and innocent. She had this appeal about her that many girls lacked. After all this time I still failed to put my finger on it. There was always something about Melinda.

I looked down at her admiring every inch of her perfect face, "Yes, mere pyaar."

A silent giggle escaped her mouth causing my insides to flip. It amazed me how every little thing about her made me jump.

She propped herself up on her elbow with her hand on my chest looking into my eyes intently. I propped myself up as well getting a better a look at her face. The sunlight was directly on her causing my senses to go wild. Her beautiful almond-shaped honey eyes glittered brighter than any diamond I had ever seen.

Her smile could melt the coldest of hearts. The radiance that diffused from every edge, every curve, every bit of her face sent shocks up and down my spine. My blood rushed through my veins at enormous speed and by now I could've probably guessed that I was blushing dangerously red.

"I've missed you.", she said resting her head into the crook of my neck.

The words and feeling I sensed behind the three words killed me. How could I have been so selfish? Why had I let the limelight of it all reach to this extent? Sure me and the lads were on a high and getting nominations and awards but what were all the awards to Melinda's happiness?

Seeing her smile was the best award to receive. Nothing else mattered and I wished I could've seen it earlier.

"I'm sorry.", I pleaded feebly to her.

"Don't be sorry...", she continued smiling at me filling my body with her warm that had radiated from her presence. "Marriage will have its ups and downs.", she rubbed my chest and then my shoulders calming me down. "Always..."

A sudden urge had came over me. At that moment, I held her closely to me scared she would leave at any given second. It had sprung into me strangely. Or was it normal? Was it an instinct with every pair of spouses? Why was that feeling there at all? Why did I feel that she would leave quickly?

"Zayn?", she looked up at me with a puzzled expression.

Melinda reassured me with a gentle smirk. I looked down at her my expression calm and focused. She traced my furrowed eyebrows lightly giggling from the reaction I had. I began to wiggle them up and down causing her laughter to erupt. My heart soared higher than ever hearing the most beautiful sound that could be released from her. Melinda's laugh was surely one of a kind. Which gave all the more reason to want to hear it all the time.

My eyes fixated on her beauty, I hadn't noticed that I was thinking too much. Nonetheless, the feel of her skin on mine was electrifying. Every inch of my skin that felt her's would be left with a scorching hot burning sensation onto my skin. The feeling of her could ignite a mountain of snow. Words couldn't describe the feeling she created.

It was unreal...

Unlike any other.

I could feel her cool breath on my neck. Goosebumps formed from my shoulders to the tips of my fingers. Melinda snickered lightly into my ear knowing exactly the effect she had on me. This has surely been a stronger than usual feeling she gave to me. Then a thought struck me.

Was this how it was to her when I touched her? Did she melt like a pool with my touch? Was she this vulnerable?

It was odd. I had many encounters with the opposite gender and none had effected me the way Melinda had. Girls had outrageously perfect skills in love-making, dirty talk, sex appeal and first impression. Many of them showing me, revealing to me, every inch of their bodies. I have seen the best of the best when it came to women, but none had what she did. Melinda wasn't like the others. The others were nothing like Melinda.

Melinda was....

Different.

I opened my eyes gazing into her's. The high I was on was so unreal. Being in this state was so familiar yet so alien to me. I've touched weed in my young days when I needed an escape and even that had nothing on what I had at this very moment. I felt like I had been on a rocket shooting to god knows where. Nonetheless, I hoped that that rocket continued soaring into the unknown. It surely was something that I wanted all the time.

"Zayn...?", her voice echoed into my ears like the most beautiful song.

I opened my mouth to speak, yet no sound escaped. Why can't I speak? I looked to Melinda who seemed just as confused as I was. I tried replying once more and still nothing. I couldn't speak. The wind was knocked out of my lungs. I really didn't have the ability to speak anymore. I was mute.

"What?", Melinda said distraught. Was it I couldn't speak or was it she couldn't hear?

"Zayn.", I heard her say again but more...alarmed.

I opened my eyes and I couldn't believe it. She was gone. Melinda disappeared out of thin air. Without a trace or sign. "Meh....", I began to speak her name. For some odd reason my tongue was heavy. A ton of bricks laying on my tongue. "Meh....lin....", I could barely finish.

What was going on?

The sky above me had darkened with the snap of a finger. The sun was hidden from sight as more clouds rolled in quickly. I could hear the ominous thunder rumbling in the distance. Things had gotten stranger as the rain fell from the sky. Every part of the forest and grass had been drenched with the heavy rainfall. Everywhere was wet from the big droplets except where I now stood. I could hear the repetition of her name from every corner. Who was saying that? Where was it coming from? What was going on?

What is this nightmare?

"Zayn!", I heard her call out to me as if in help. "Zayn..."

My eyes widened as huge as saucers. I turned behind me seeing her across the river. My heart dropped to the ground. River? When was there a river? I didn't know what I was doing, but I was happy to see her face again. She called out to me again waving her hand towards me telling me to come towards her. I ran towards her only to stop in my tracks abruptly. I glanced at the slightly wide body of water in front of me. Fright settled in my chest. The wind blew hard still raining against my body making it harder for me to stand. She could see it in my eyes that my biggest fear was standing...or should I say waving in front of me.

"Come to me, Zayn...", she called out to me again as if in encouragement. "I don't want to be alone again.", she pleaded with a pout.

The words shattered what was left of my soul - my heart not being able to withstand it. I placed one foot in the water only to back up instantly. The rushing waters getting more hectic than it was before, caused my fear to only increase. Was that even possible? I placed my foot in the cold water and my other foot following it. The water wasn't that deep in fact it came up to my ankles. The cool waters seeped in between my toes. No shoes? Why had I just noticed? I could feel a sand like texture underneath me.

This wasn't so bad. This wasn't bad at all. It was actually relaxing to the touch. I walked confidently towards my beautiful eager wife. This was quite easy.

Or so I thought...

The water only get higher and higher as I walked towards her. Before I knew it, my shoulders were submerged into the river. "Melinda!", I shouted in fear. My worse nightmare coming alive. "Melinda!!", I shouted once more my head sinking into the water. Some water had made its way up my nose. This was definitely something I wasn't use to.

She had just been standing there. Why hadn't she come to my rescue yet? Why wasn't she worried? Her face was nonchalant. Her frame still. Melinda was calm. My head dunked under the water causing me to fight for air. Water rising fast. Too fast for my liking. My head sprung up to the surface my arms shooting in the air as if waiting for something to grab ahold of.

There was no one in sight. Where had she gone?

I was alienated causing my heart beat to accelerate. I couldn't handle anymore water as my arms and legs wore out. It was weird because not only was I ankle deep in water - at least I thought -, but I had tons of strength to try to rescue myself. It felt as though a force was ceasing my movement. Like it didn't want me to survive, yet sulk and sink on my own with no one there. I could've easily escaped the treacherous waters, but something held me back.

Where had Melinda gone and why was my eyesight fading? Oh....because I was slowly perishing into the depths of the mysterious river. Suddenly all I could hear was the faint sounds of water. I could see only darkness creep into the edges of my eyes.

A loud and painful gasp escaped my mouth as I had awaken suddenly. I held onto my chest catching my breath. Looking all around me startled, I was in the darkness. I thought the worse until the beeping of the machines filled the room's silence.

It was a dream. It was a dream?

Seeing Melinda's face and smile.... Feeling her hair and skin against mine.... Hearing her soft breathing against my chest and her voice singing my name... It hadn't been reality.

I held onto my chest still trying to control my breathing. I stared at her still slumbering body. She laid there. Eyes shut. Chest moving up and down. Tubes in place - her wrists and nose. Blanket giving her some sort of warmth. Head wrapped with gauze. Mouth was covered with an oxygen mask. Unconscious.

I sat there watching her, my heart shattering into a million more pieces as if possible, in an extremely uncomfortable chair across from her facing her. My chest was heavy even if it was filled with emptiness. The pain of her not being awake killed me slowly and painfully.

It was a dream.... It was... "Just a dream.", I closed my eyes whispering to myself. I felt the lumps in the back of my throat return. My head fell into my hands as I heaved silently. "It was a stupid fucking dream!", I half-screamed into my hands crying in my lonesome.

This was probably how she was most of the time anyway. Crying silently to herself with no one there to comfort her. My guilt raising even more, if possible.

"A dream.", I looked at her crying ashamed of myself as my shoulders moved up and down from the sobbing I had been doing. I cried with one thing on my mind that night.... It had left me in bafflement as I stared at her in shame.

How could someone feel so much pain and still be alive?

Notes