Just as Much

Erica's POV


Niall's last day of tour was a few days ago, at least for the Asian leg. I haven't spoken with him since that fated day of him saying those hurtful words, well not on the phone, I do reply to his texts when he send them. I was angry of course, so angry with him but mainly I was just hurt. Niall has never been so rude to me, never in the five years I've known him has he lashed out at me and when we finally get together he says the words that hurt the most. What do I know about his life? I feel like that's all I know. Cleaning his house, my life revolved around his, when he was home, when he wasn't, when he was having guests over, what he wanted from the grocery store, when his bills were due, how he liked to call his mom on Tuesdays, how he chews his nails when he's anxious or nervous. I know everything about Niall.

I may not have ever gone on tour with him but I know how exhausting it is. Every time he came home his face looked older, he walked a little slower, he had less energy. It took a few good sleeps before he got back to the Niall I love.

I still love him. That's the hardest part. Sometimes I feel like he could walk all over me and I wouldn't care because I love him that much. Other times though, I feel like because I love him so much he can't get away with this. This isn't something that I can just forget about. It's something that we need to discuss and fix. My heart needs fixing.

He's called me and sent me numerous texts, apologizing through my voice mail, sending me funny pictures. I've responded to a few but I keep it short. Almost afraid that if I start talking to him I'll just fall into the trap and let things pass. I know it's irrational but this is my life and if Niall and I are going to stick it out and be together forever then we have to take these bumps together. It would be just so much easier if he were here all the time. If I could see him everyday.

“So you just hung up?” Allison and I are sitting on a bench at school, I've been withdrawn lately, for good reason, trying to just focus on school, a little bit of work, and then just trying not to focus on Niall. Trying being the key word.

“Yeah. I didn't know what else to do. I didn't want to yell at him, things between us are already fragile. I was just so taken back by his words. Hurt.” I shrug my shoulders like it's no big deal but I know it is.

“Why do you always do this?” She places her hands under her thighs and leans forward.

“Excuse me?” I ask in an offended tone.

“Something happens between you and Niall and you just ignore him. You screen his calls, you shut down, focus on anything else. It's not healthy.” She throws her hair over her shoulder, it's gotten longer here recently, apparently she's taken to vitamins.

“It's just a defense mechanism. I don't know.” I don't like having to defend myself, I'm stubborn. “I just feel like if I avoid the situation then I can deal with it when I want to.” I shrug my shoulders and play with the hem of my shirt. It's my go to nervous habit.

“So you avoid the situation just like Niall avoided things between him and the death of his Nan?” I freeze, I never though of it like that. Allison must read my expression because she continues. “You didn't even put two and two together? Erica, Niall ran away, not from you, but from the current situation he was in. You know as well as anyone he doesn't like to deal with those tough emotions. He was exhausted he is exhausted. We all say things we don't mean, even you.”

“I'm not perfect.” I admit it.

“I never said you were Erica. I'm just trying to have you see his side of things. Him going out wasn't about avoiding you or the situation, he was just trying to get away and have fun. Escape his problems for a minute.”

“That doesn't excuse the things he said to me.” I try to justify my actions.

“I know. I never said it did. You two need to sit down, face to face and talk things out. You need to tell him how hurt you are. He needs to talk about what's going on with him. It's a communication problem with you two. Just because he's thousands of miles away for sometime doesn't mean that you can use that as an excuse. You two have to work through this. Do you still want to be with him?” She asks and I look up to see people walking. Trying to focus on their happy faces, some worried faces, people clutching their bags, someone rocking on their heels, people laughing.

“Yes.” I muster up courage and say it.

“That doesn't make you weak Erica.” Ah, my best friend knows me too well. “You know what
you want and that's good. Now you two just have to fix it and learn to grow together instead of apart. Because that's what you're doing right now, growing apart.”

“You know, you're mom being a psychologist is really helpful.” I elbow her and we both laugh, releasing the tension between us.

“I learn from the best, what can I say.” I love Allison's smile. She's one of those people that when they smile, they make everyone smile. It's contagious.

“Thank Allison.” I genuinely am appreciative. I don't know what I would do without her. I see her fiddle with her phone, I'm assuming just to text Kyle. They're still attached at the hip, I wouldn't be surprised if they get married by next year, she's that in love.

“That's what friends are for!” She shouts cheerfully. “Sorry to cut it short, but I've got to get going. My lunch break was over about five minutes ago.” She looks at her imaginary watch and laughs. “Love you friend!” She throws her arms around me and quickly stands to walk away. It's nice that her school is just a few blocks away, we don't get together for lunch very often but she's been noticing my withdrawn behavior and she doesn't like it.

I still have an hour before my next class. The weather is finally getting warmer outside so I can sit and enjoy it instead of being stuck inside protected from the wind, rain, and snow. I don't really have much to do, Allison and I already ate so I pull my notes out from my previous lecture in my Early Modern Europe course. Guess it doesn't help to just brush up on things.

“Erica.” It's like a whisper. Comes in low but hits me hard, nearly knocks the wind out of me. I don't have to turn around to see that it's Niall. I've been dreading this but wanting it all at the same time. It takes everything in my power not to run to him, wrap my legs around him and kiss him fiercely.

I set my notes down and look over my shoulder. “Niall.” I stop my lips from smiling large. God I've missed him.

“Can I sit?” He asks and I nod, trying to quickly grab my books and notes so he has a spot. I've taken up the middle of the bench as to block other people from sitting with me so I scoot over to one side. “These are for you.” He passes me tulips. God, tulips are my favorite. They're simple, elegant, and delicate. I don't take them when he holds them out. I don't know why. “Please take them. I know it sounds selfish but if you don't all these people watching us will assume something is wrong.” I hold my hand out and take them, smelling them.

“Something is wrong Niall. Do you need to kiss my cheek too? Make sure that everyone sees it?” I'm sassy, but that wasn't the best thing to say, he wants to fix things with yet he's still so wrapped up in his public image.

“Please don't.” He whispers. It's like we have two different lives, our private life and then our public life and things in public have to be so careful, so cautious or it can be misconstrued.

“How did you know I was here?” I smell the flowers again. I can't resist a good tulip.

“I've been texting Allison.” I smirk and roll my eyes, of course Allison has been slipping behind my back, I don't mind because I know she has the best intentions but I wish she would just tell me and let me in on the secret. But of course, if I did know I would avoid Niall like the plague. Especially here at school.

“So, how was your flight?” I feel like if anyone could read our body language even without listening to our awkward conversation they would see the tension between us. I'm just guarded.

“It was fine." He has shades on, he's just looking straight ahead. It's never been this awkward to us. “I want to give you something.” I pull my legs up and turn towards him, almost like another barrier for me, something else in between us. I look over his body and see that he's brought a bag with him. He turns back to me holding a book, smacking it in his hands. “Um, I know things aren't good between us and I know it's my fault. This isn't the time and place to figure everything out. But I just wanted to give you this.” He hands it to me and I can see it's worn a little bit, the pages have been bent up, it looks like a journal of some sort. I look up at him a little confused. “It's my song book. Anything that I've thought of, stories, thoughts, any phrases they're all in that book. Only a handful of people have ever seen it.” I've never even seen this brown leather book.

“So why are you giving it to me?” I don't want to ruin this moment but what he's saying doesn't make sense.

“Because you are the most important thing in my life. This is my most private thoughts, fears, just everything. And to be honest, page one, it all starts with you.”

Notes

Three chapters left!!!! And I won't be updating until Sunday or Monday, so sorry but I've started to write my Zayn story!! It won't be posted until this one is completely finished, but something to look forward to.

Don't you just love a best friend to open your eyes a bit? Niall and Erica aren't finished yet! Let me know what you think, thank you so much for reading, commenting, subscribing, and voting, their wouldn't be a story without you!

Happy Friday!!

xoxox