Just as Much

Erica's POV

What Niall said hit me like a truck. Just took my knees out from under me. I wasn't expecting him to give me something so private. I almost had tears in my eyes I was so touched by his words and gesture.

We parted quickly, I needed to get to class and I just didn't want to have this conversation with him in public. That book was burning a hole in my bag. I wanted to get into it so bad but I couldn't because I knew that Niall's most private thoughts isn't something that I should be reading in public and I would never forgive myself if I left it somewhere and lost it.

I itched my way through my class. I had stopped by my adviser’s office and asked her to hold my flowers while I attended class. I didn't want to take them to class and let them wither away. With my luck it would happen quickly. I think I was the last person to sit down in class and the first to leave. I couldn't tell you what we even learned, my notes were literally just scribbles on a page.

My mom wouldn't be at home, thankfully. I didn't know what kind of emotions would come up from reading his “journal” so I just wanted it to be me at home. Every red light made my toes twitch even more, made my nerves that just more on edge. I hated this feeling.

When I finally got home I was so nervous I left my keys in the car and had to come back to let myself in the house. I slipped my shoes off, I wanted that routine. I don't want to rush into reading. I race up the steps to the kitchen and grab a bottle of water from the kitchen, my eyes still focused on my black bag. I take a rather large drink and push it to the side, here goes nothing.

I grab for the book blindly and grasp it, taking the next flight of steps to my room. I stop in the bathroom and grab the box of tissues, I don't know how long this will take or what the book will have in it so I just need to prepare myself.

I slide my legs under the covers of my bed and carefully open the book, the spine of it cracks just a little bit and make sure I didn't somehow break it. Niall didn't say he wanted it back but something this important to him isn't something I can assume he's just given to me.

December 2010- Christmas Party, green dress, perfect smile, not awkward. Her laugh was infectious. That light hit her face sometimes, giving her this angelic glow. When we first met I honestly had not idea that you would be so important to me.

I laugh a little bit. I remember that green dress. I hated it. I wanted this red dress but my mom refused, saying I was too young for the cut and style. That whole night was awkward, I don't know why he said I wasn't awkward because I remember that's all I felt that night. I knew who everyone was, everyone in my school knew who they were, and to see them in the flesh I was starstruck, I had this awkward nervous laughter all night. Plus I was mad at my mom because she was only there to be with Simon. That second part, about first meeting is in different pen, I can't help but think he added it later. I start flipping through the pages and looking at the dates. I start seeing song lyrics. Quotes.

Everything is scribbled and crossed out, words blacked out, small doodles written along the side of the pages. Pictures he's drawl. He's not an artist, which makes the pictures even more special to me. I start picking out song lyrics from song's I've actually heard them record. I remember how disappointed Niall was on this last album because he was laid up from his knee surgery and he couldn't get together and write as much.

“Cause I can love you more than this.” More than this, I remember how excited he was when he went to that first writing session. He'd been toying with song writing before X-Factor and he just wanted to learn tricks and technique from the pros.

“You're messing with my head, girl that's what you do best” He's got a picture of a girl with long hair, it's a picture he's done so it's messy but it makes me laugh.

“I want, I want, I want, to be loved by you.” I remember him always humming this song, it was like a song stuck on repeat in his head, literally every time I could hear him humming it I would plead for him to stop. Once he did its like all I wanted to hear.

“You just call my name I'll be coming through, coming through, I'll keep coming...Yes, I like the way you smile with your eyes. Other guys see it but don't realize that it's m-my loving. There's something about your laugh that makes me wanna have to.” I remember having another boyfriend at the time, when Niall found out he was a little bitter to be honest, but he tried to hide it from me, he was just short with me, just for a few days. It got better after that. I didn't think that was about me but at the bottom of the page, almost ripped off was my ex-boyfriend's name, with a giant red X atop it.

“Whenever I close my eyes, I picture you there. I'm looking out at the crowd, you're everywhere...I've never been so into somebody before...” I find tears in my eyes. How knew Niall could be so sweet by giving me this. I've always known him to be sweet but this is a whole new level.

“I leave my heart open but it stays right here empty for days...” He was so proud of that song, they all were, recreating those pictures was something that Niall was so excited for. Things with Greg aren't always the best, with the age gap and their life paths they just don't always see eye to eye.

“I figured it out. Saw the mistakes of up and down. Meet in the middle, there's always room for common ground.” With the date of this one I remember what happened. Niall was taking a break from a tour and he was just grumpy, everything I did that day just didn't seem good enough, constant criticism on his part. I left that day so mad at him and then before I went to sleep he had sent me a text, telling me he was sorry for his attitude, how I was a godsend and he would make it up to me when he saw me next. And he did, when I came the next day he had gotten lunch from my favorite place, it was something simple but it made me feel appreciated.

“I'm not a smart man, but I know what love is.” Forrest Gump, Niall went through this phase where he would watch this movie on repeat. I hated it after about the third day, it was too much for me but his house, his rules.

“We were meant to be but a twist of fate made it so you had to walk away...you know I wanna be the one to hold you when you sleep, I just want it to be you and I forever.”

“Better than words. Drive ya crazy. Someone like you. Always be my baby.” Niall drives me crazy.

“But I'm not done yet, falling for you...” I hope not. Even if these things aren't about me, everything is making me think of him. Every phrase can relate back to a memory I have with him and that just makes me feel even worse for how things have played out between us. It's not suppose to go like that.

I can pick out all those songs instantly. I know where they all come from and they make my heart just ache. I don't know if they're about me but on almost every page I find something about myself so I can only assume.

I woke up wanting to kiss you. That's not a song lyric, at least that I know, Niall has words and phrases written all over the place, they write plenty of songs that don't get published.

I see the spot when my building burned. I can't believe it was almost a year ago. That day was so difficult for me. I read to see what he thought about the situation. I don't know what to do, I feel like I need to do something for her. This is like the worst thing. Her staying with me will test me, I don't know how much longer I can keep this in, even in a time of sorrow she's still my ray of light.

“I love you without knowing how, why, or even from where.” Patch Adam. Niall loves any Robin Williams movies, such a talented man to lose so soon in life. It was then that I realize that I've seen this book before. Niall was always protective of it, it's always been with him when he's watching movies, keeping it close to him, closing it if I got hear, and other than that I've never seen it.

“It doesn't matter if the guy is perfect or the girl is perfect, as long as they are perfect for each other. Good Will Hunting. Another Robin Williams movie, right now I don't know if I'm tearing up because of the quote or because the fact that Robin Williams is gone. Such a treasure to the entertainment industry.

“When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.” When Harry Met Sally. I know that quote as soon as I started reading it. I love it. I remember Louis watching it with Eleanor and talking about it to Niall, Niall had never seen it so he made it a mission to watch it. The next day he wouldn't stop talking about it.

This book is crazy unorganized. I literally cringe at how everything is all over the place, nothing is written on the lines, everything is different pen colors, pencils, even some markers. He's got random pictures he's tried to drawl.

I can't read anymore, my eyes are cloudy with tears that just keep coming from deep down inside. What he's written about me, the lyrics of songs I know they're singing, everything just hits me deep. I can't just sit here and let this pass, I have to see him I have to see him now.

Notes