Just as Much

Erica's POV

I've been home for three hours. I don't know what I was thinking but I just had this vision that Niall would come chasing after me. Just like run after me in the airport terminal, screaming my name. But he didn't. I sat in the terminal just sad. I put my phone away, tired of the twitter alerts, tired of seeing him almost every newsstand I passed. It was already exhausting. I just wanted that moment. That special moment that I would just know that it would be him and I together forever.

But I didn't get that.

Getting married tomorrow is not an option for me. I've been clear about that. I just finally threw myself out there and I got nothing back. I told him I loved him. It wasn't how I had planned to say it at all. I don't know how I was going to say it but I didn't want to say it when we were angry with each other. I just wanted him to say.

I worry about him constantly. I can't see him for months and weeks and when I do he can hardly stand. He could hardly speak at times he was that tired. I'm worried about him and it's like he doesn't seem to care. He just let me go. He let me walk away.

I don't know what to do from here. Where to go from here. I'm still with him. I'm assuming. We just had an argument. But it's different then most normal relationships. Niall is touring around the world and I'm stuck here. We can talk as much as we want through the phone but for this, to fix this I needed to talk to him face to face.

I couldn't answer the phone when he called me. I wasn't ready. I don't want to be a pushover. I'm not a pushover. Niall was the one that raised his voice at me, I don't need that. He's the one that needs to apologize, even if he wanted to I just couldn't deal with that at the moment. I need time. I missed his voice already but I need a bit of space.

As soon as I came home I checked and found myself alone. Mom must have been out as it's getting a little bit late. I only missed two days of class, basically only one class from each of my courses. I have some friends from each class so I'm not concerned about missing lectures because I know I can borrow notes from them.

The from door slamming makes me sit up just a bit and straighten my shirt, rubbing under my eyes just in case. I didn't know if it was Niall. I was hoping it was Niall. I wanted it to be him so bad.

“Erica!” It was my mom. I rubbed the back of my neck ever so slightly. I'm not prepared for this conversation. I hear her approach my door and just walk in. It was open after all.

“Hey.” She comes over and hugs me slightly. “How was everything?” She asks sitting on the edge of my bed.

“It was good. I mean, I don't know, it was a funeral.” I don't really know how to respond when people when people ask me how a funeral was. I have to be careful constantly when I talk to people I just meet, make sure that I don't give anything away. I'm so trusting right off the bat I have a hard time holding back against people.

“What's the matter?” She looks at me with a bit of a sideways glance, she's my mom so I know that she can read my body language and my facial expressions.

“Nothing.” I tighten my lips.

“Erica.” She says my name in that mom tone.

“Niall and I got into an argument and we didn't fix things, we just left it as that.” I tell her, not everything just a little bit.

“Argument?” She asks for clarification.

“I don't know mom, he just didn't act like himself, he was exhausted and I just wanted him to stay for an extra day to catch up with sleep and he didn't agree with me.”

“Well if he didn't want that then he didn't want to Erica.” She doesn't understand where I'm coming from.

“It wasn't so much for my selfish need though mom, he was slurring his words, he acted like he was drunk sometimes, he was so tired. I just wanted him to stay for one extra night, get just a little extra sleep.” I try to explain just a little more.

“I understand your concern Erica but Niall's a grown man, if he doesn't want to stay, if he want's to take the risk then he can.” She's playing my devil's advocate, I don't like it but I need to see that side too.

“I love him mom.” I pick at my nails a little bit. “I just want him healthy, I want him around.” I wipe the tears away from my eyes again. God this constant crying.

“I know you do. It's instinct for you to want him around all the time, but you can't always protect him. Somethings just happen that you can't change.” I think back instantly to my dad. She's talking about dad. “Everything will be okay Erica.” She hugs me a little bit. “Just don't be stubborn. Answer the phone when he calls. Don't brush it off though, you two need to talk about this and fix things. It's easy to just avoid the issue and forget but it will come back to bite you in the butt.” She assures me.

“You never argued with dad.” I tell her.

“That's because we were together for ten years before you were born. We argued constantly before. It's a give and take Erica. You have to learn to compromise and live with each other. You've known Niall for almost five years and that's a start. But you didn't learn about him in the context you see him now. People are full of surprises, always changing.”

“Where are you going?” I ask as she starts to walk away.

“Um, I have a date tonight.” I can see she's a little nervous to tell me that, her feet fidgeting while she stands.

“A date? On a Tuesday?” Simon never took her on dates, at least not out in public. It would be all private, his home, her home. This is different.

“I met someone a few days at the market. He was nice. We kind of hit it off, just want to see where things will go from here.” She shrugs as if this is nothing. I don't think my mom's been on a real date in years. Maybe even at least a decade.

“Who is he? What does he look like? What does he do?” I'm all questions, forgetting instantly about my predicament with Niall.

“Um well his name is Walter. He's tall, little bit bigger of a build, just a few years younger then me. And he's a biologist.”

“So what are you two doing tonight?” I suddenly feel like the mom in this conversation. Quizzing my daughter on who this guy is.

“Nothing special. Just going to dinner.” She starts to walk away and I hurry to get off the bed.

“Well let me help you get ready!” I chase after her down the hall. I need this distraction.

Denise sent me a text and told me Niall had left. She told me she understood my feelings and that if it were her, she would have left to. We communicated a little bit via text, she kept telling me everyone was pissed at Niall for letting me walk out. That wasn't my intention, I didn't want people upset with Niall. This was between him and I, not the whole family. I haven't heard from Niall since he had tried to call me. I just figured that he was busy packing, spending time with his family, and arranging flights. I'm still hopeful that he'll just show up here but I know that won't be the case.

I'm not saying we're over because I don't think we are but good things can't always last forever, right? I mean, lets face it, in this world where Niall lives in he can get super models, singers, actresses, who ever he wants and he picked me? A housekeeper, a CinderErica. I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting for my scene to end. And that will be my biggest fear.

He never even told me he loved me back.

That's what hurts the most.

Sometimes running away is easy. It's always been him though. I have a feeling that even if we never get married or we end this as soon as we've started this, that he will always be it for me. That he will always have this hold on me, this power over me that I'll never get over.

And then I heard it. I had been watching Sleepless in Seattle when the perfect moment came on, one of my absolute favorite moments.

“Well, it was a million tiny little things that, when you added them all up, they meant we were suppose to be together. And I knew it. I knew it the very first time I touched her. It was like coming home, only to no home I'd ever known. I was just taking her hand to help her out of a car and I knew. It was like, magic.”

I could feel myself well up with tears. Why I watch romantic movies by myself after an argument with a man who is now thousands of miles away is beyond me. I dig in the couch cushions for my phone and find Niall's number, frantically dialing it. It goes straight to voice mail and I just can't leave a message. I hang it up and sit it on the arm of the chair. I just, I just don't know anymore.

Notes

Hey everyone! So sorry for my "late" update, I over slept this am then I usually update in my 9am class but I had a surrealism exam in my Art History course. :)

I want to say a BIG THANK YOU to everyone who has voted, subscribed, read, and commented. I just looked at my numbers and I just can't believe it. It means so much to me that you all take time out of your days to read what I put out there. So thank you again.

Happy Monday!
xoxox