Just as Much

Niall's POV

Things have been tense between Erica and I. I understand that she wants me to stay but she doesn't understand that this is my job, I need to get back to work. That's how I make money, if I'm not working, I get bored.

The funeral went well this morning. As well as to be expected. I still can't believe that Nan is gone. I didn't want to be there, I still haven't really accepted the reality that she's gone, I thought that maybe if I didn't show up I wouldn’t have to say goodbye and that this would all just be a dream. I don't think it will really hit me until the holidays are around again and she's gone from it. I'll miss her so much, I already do. I miss her cooking, her laugh, her hugs. She's my nan. If I leave today, I just won't have to deal with this anymore.

“I'm headed out.” Erica comes in to my room and leans against the door jam.

“What?” I turn and look at her, she's not even changed from her funeral clothes. This is a surprise to me, she's not mentioned it yet.

“I'm headed back. If you're not staying then I'm going back to London. I need to get back to school, I've already missed a few days.” She throws some things in her bag and unzips her black dress, letting it fall to the floor, throwing on leggings and an oversized shirt.

“Erica, you can stay.” I sit next to her bag on the bed and watch her shake her head.

“I've already got a flight, said goodbye to your family. I need to go.” She brushes me off and zips her bag, pulling it form the bed.

“Come on Erica, don't leave like this.” My shoulders slump. I just don't want to deal with this right now, I've been through enough.

She jerks away from me when I reach out to touch her shoulder. “Have fun in Indonesia.” I watch as she walks out the door and down the hallway, I can hear her bag hitting the steps.

We've had this conversation quite a few times before today. I know that she doesn't want me to leave, I know she wants me to stay just a few more days. I don't want to bring it up all over again but I don't want her to leave.

“Erica, wait!” I call after her, slipping my shoes on and stumbling just a bit on the first step, blowing past my family waiting in the living room. “Erica stop!” I plead with her as she throws her bag in the car. “Erica!” I yell as she jerks the door open and looks at me.

“What?” She snaps at me. I'm taken a bit back by her anger. She can get mad but it's not usually like this.

“Erica. Don't be like this, I have to go back on tour, you know that. I don't understand what the big deal is.” I shrug my shoulders and tighten up my coat.

“The big deal? Niall you're exhausted. You can hardly keep your eyes open, you've just flown halfway across the world twice and you're about to do it again. You don't eat that much, you wake up still tired, you almost passed out in the shower yesterday, and I had to nudge you three times during your Nan's wake to make sure you were alert.” She's angry. I'll give her that.

“I'm fine. I'll have a doctor give me a shot of B-12 when I get back, I'll sleep on the plane.”

“That's not the point Niall.” I can see her knuckles whiten against the car door, she runs her fingers through her hair.

“I don't understand why you're so upset about this.” I lean against the car. “I travel for work, that's how I make money Erica.”

“It's not all about money Niall!” She furrows her brows and looks at me, she's pissed. “That's not what life is about. Life is about people, about your family, about your friends. It's about you. It's about me.” She pauses and looks away for a second, the wind coming up just a bit. “I don't care about your money, I don't want your money. I want you.” She's throwing her hands around quite a bit. “One day, all of this is going to go away, we've talked about it, your band won't stick around forever. All the glory and the fame will be gone and all that you will have left is your family and me. If you don't take care of yourself right now, you won't be here later. I need you to grow old with me, I need you around.” I see a single tear start to slide down her face before she wipes it with the back of her hand, looking away embarrassed.

“And why is that? Why do you need me around so bad?” I don't mean to take an angry tone with her, it just happens.

“Because I love you.” She's angry when she says it. I finally catch her eye and the look on her face breaks my heart. “Because I love you.” She repeats again, quieter, choking between tears. “And I can't sit back and let you just destroy your body for the sake of money and fame.” She grits her teeth and pulls the door open a little more. “If you tell me that you'll stay an extra day right now, I'll stay.” She whispers.

“Erica.” I take a deep breath. “You know I can't.” I look away from her, I can't stand the look she's giving me.

“Fine. Have a nice tour. Maybe we'll talk when it's over.” She abruptly sits down in her seat and slams the car door, turning it on and switching gears to reverse. She doesn't even look at me or wait for me to stand from leaning against the car, just peels out and drives away.

I stand their dumbfounded, almost waiting for her to come back. I wanted her to come back. I needed her to come back. I pull my phone out and dial her number. It rings twice before it gets sent to voice mail. She forwarded me.

“Erica please just come back.” It's all I tell her before I end the call and tap my phone on my hand. Before I slip it in my pocket and head back to the house. I walk slowly. Did she just tell me she loves me? And I let her walk away? Everything happened so fast, I let my emotions get the best of me. Holy shit I'm an idiot.

I open the door to see my ma standing there, glaring at me. I'm not in the mood to talk to her.

“What the hell was that ya?” She crosses her arms, continuing to glare.

“Erica had to go back home.” I shrug and try to walk past her as she steps in front of my way.

“Niall James Horan.” I freeze. No matter how much money you have, how many countries you've visited, or how old you are, when your ma pulls out your full name you still get the chills. You know you're in trouble. “Why did she leave like that?”

“She's just upset that I'm not staying an extra night. She wants me to miss the Indonesia stop tomorrow.” I lean against the wall.

“So why can't you stay? You're falling asleep all over the place, you forget things that you've just said, you wake up tired. You should just stay another night.”

“It's not that simple ma.”

“Yes it is. You call everyone, say you're staying another night, and apologize via twitter. I'm sure everyone will understand.” Her tone changes just a bit, softens.

“I don't care if they will ma, if I miss shows I'll get forgotten. I'll get left behind.”

“That's the dumbest thing you've ever said Niall. You miss two shows and you think everyone will forget you?” The anger on her face even more present.

“It's not stupid Ma.” I can feel my anger building inside of me. “I've got to catch a flight.” I don't want to get into a screaming match with my ma, I don't want to be disrespectful, I need to just leave before I say something stupid.

“You know you're letting the best thing that's ever happened to you walk away right?” I nod, I know. I know my priorities are messed up but I have my whole life to be with her, this is right now. “You know how much she was here for us this week?” She gets quiet and I can see her chin starting to tremble.

“Yeah, she helped out a bit.” I push my hands in my pocket , I can feel my anger going away.

“No Niall, you don't know. You have no idea. She helped out way more than a bit.” She points her finger in my chest. “She missed school, she flew out to see us as soon as she could. She cooked for us, cleaned for us, she went grocery shopping, she arranged your flight, all the security, the cars, she talked to the Priest, she discussed arrangements with the florist, she did the wash, she took care of Theo when Denise and Greg needed naps, she organized our mail and the bills, she didn't have to do any of that Niall. She wanted to. She's a godsend. And angel on this earth. And you're letting her walk away.”

“I-I didn't know.” I stutter with my words, it's the truth, I didn't know that she did all of that. I saw her cooking and cleaning but I didn't know she did the rest. I know she gets anxious, she wants people to be happy, she wants to take care of everyone.

“Of course you didn't know. Sometimes you're so wrapped up in yourself you forget the people around you. I didn't raise you like that. You're letting this celebrity status get the best of you. And I don't like it.” Ma walks past me, everyone just keeps leaving me in rooms. Leaving me to my thoughts. Leaving me to realize I'm a complete idiot.

Notes

So things just went from tense to a bit out of control here...Always love a good Mom putting you in your place. :)

Sorry for no update yesterday, stepping away from the computer is always a nice treat! Hope you all had a fantastic weekend!!

Thank you all for being amazing, loving all these reads, subscriptions, votes, and comments!!

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