Just as Much

Niall's POV

I arrived in Dublin and I was bombarded with fans. It doesn't take long for it to catch wind that I left the tour for a little bit and that my Nan died. I can't believe she's dead. I just talked to her a few days ago. I can't think about it too much or I just get overwhelmed by emotions again.

I was numb after Erica told me. I don't remember much. Just literally sliding down the wall, watching everyone react to what was happening but they didn't know what was happening till Zayn told them. Then it's like I had an out of body experience. Like I was watching myself be consoled and hearing people try to comfort me but I wasn't feeling anything. Someone could have punched in the face and I wouldn't have felt a thing.

Zayn and Harry tried to rush me around and get me back to the hotel so I could leave but it's like my feet had cement. I couldn't take my moms voice when she called. It broke me again and again to hear her cry. The van was silent the whole way home. No one spoke, no one played on their phone, we all just looked out the window, looking at the night sky. Nan loved everyone, everyone loved Nan. She was a huge fan, and just the sweetest person.

When my parents were going through a divorce she was always there for me. I didn't understand what was happening but she made sure that I knew it wasn't my fault, that my parents still loved me, that she loved me very much. She would take Greg and I out to dinner on the weekends, sometimes just me, we would sit and talk for hours. She's the one that pushed me to audition, she was so proud of me when I told her I had made it through she wouldn't stop telling everyone about it. She even told the pizza man.

And now she's gone.

I tried hard to smile and be happy for fans, they were just excited to see me, but I just wanted to see my mum, my brother, Denise, Theo, and my Erica. I'm so appreciative that she's there. I wish I could see her in different circumstances but it is what it is.

I can hardly stay awake once I get in the car. I didn't sleep the whole way back. I tried several times, my eyes were so heavy the whole way back but my mind was just racing. Racing with things I needed to do, memories I've shared with Nan, how much I'm going to miss on tour, and the soonest I can get back on the road.

When I see my ma's house finally at the end of the road I breath a sigh of relief. I don't want these next few days to come but I'm just happy to be home. I had two security personal meet me at the airport, just one to drive the car Erica has rented for me and the other followed behind in another car so it would be just me and my family when I get dropped off. What's terrible is that I'll have to have security at Nan's funeral. I know people will pick up on it, find out when the funeral is and just show up, no matter how much I plead with them not to. I just won't say anything at all this time.

I gather my bags and the cool air hits me, familiar smells make me feel like I'm finally at home. It's still early, I don't know how I'm even walking right now I'm that tired. I open the door quietly, not quite sure if people are sleeping or not and drop my bags off right away, kick my shoes off and get excited to see Theo's little shoes next to the door.

“Niall.” I look up and see my ma, Greg, Denise, Chris, and Erica holding Theo. I can almost see Erica relax as soon as I lock eyes with her. Ma opens her arms up to me and I just melt in her arms, everything feels better when you're with your mum. You just relax. You know you're mum is there for you no matter what and I just feel this imaginary weight being lifted off my shoulders.

“I'm so sorry ma.” I sob into her shoulder, I didn't even realize I was crying.

“I'm so sorry too, I'm so glad your here. Thank you for coming home.” She squeezes me just a little bit more and lets me go so I can say hello to everyone else. When I get to Erica Theo instantly puts his arms out to me and that kid, I swear, just knows how to get to you. He touches my nose and just laughs at me, I love that little kids have no idea what is going on and can just change your mood instantly. I move Theo to one arm and extend my other one to Erica as she squeezes my waist I kiss her hair.

“Okay Niall, go put your stuff way.” Denise tells me, extending her arms for Theo as he practically leaps for her. I see Erica nervously fiddle with her hair and her sleeves.

“Can you help me?” I ask her and a smile creeps on her face, just a slight one but it's enough for me. She nods and joins me at my side to carry my backpack as I grab my suit case. I actually just bought one to take home, well someone on staff got it for me so I could just pull a few things out. I know from talking to Zayn that Erica was going to head to my place and get some things for me.

I walk up the steps first, Erica right behind me as I walk to the room I usually stay in. When I open the door I let out a huge breath to see Erica's things strewn about. I figured she would be staying with me but I just didn't know. I'm sure if it was anyone else my ma wouldn't let us stay together. I set my bag on the window seat and turn back around to see Erica slip my bag on the chair.

“I'm so sorry Niall.” She hugs me. I've been told that I give the best hugs out of the group but I can't hold a candle to Erica's hugs. Probably just because this is all I need. I just need Erica. If I didn't have anything else in the world but her, I'd be okay. I try to hold back more tears, I didn't realize that I could cry this much.

“I can't believe she's gone.” I choke out between sobs.

“I know.” She whispers. “Have you slept?” I shake my head against her. Not sure with what to do. “You should really try to get some sleep.” I pull away from her and I she grips my hands a little bit more before I almost fall over from exhaustion. “Niall. This isn't good, you've just flown half way across the world and you need sleep. You've been up for over twenty-four hours.” I nod, I know exactly why she's concerned but I just want to push it away. “Just lay down for a bit. Their is nothing to be done right now.” She assures me.

I sit down on the bed, I can feel my body is just crashing. I bury my head in my hands, pulling at my hair.

“Relax.” Erica whispers and kneels down in front of me, gently unlacing my shoes and pulling my shoes off, then my socks. She stands and pulls the covers back just a little more so I can scoot in, then she makes me take my jacket off. I'm glad at this moment I just wore joggers and and a t-shirt today.

“Can you stay with me?” I grasp my hand on her wrist, I just need Erica. She nods and sits on the bed next to me, taking her socks off and slipping her trousers off, I know she can hardly sleep in joggers or shorts. She crawls over me and slides under the covers.

“You can't sleep for long tho. Just a bit of a nap so you can sleep tonight, okay?” She fiddles with her phone, I'm assuming to set an alarm. I nod, waiting to feel the warmth of her skin against mine. Just to hold her close.

“Can you sing me that song?” I ask, suddenly remembering that memory Erica had of of her father singing to her. I wrap my arms around her and listen to the hum of her voice. I always ask her to sing for me but she can never do it face to face, it's always humming or singing over the phone. She get's too embarrassed and flustered when she actually has to sing something to me. I don't mind, I love everything about her, including her off key singing voice.

“Get some sleep Niall.” Erica kisses my cheek and snuggles as close to me as possible.

“I love you.” I whisper to her, running my fingers up and down her back. I'm not going to lie it's starting to hurt when she doesn't say it back. I don't know what I expected but I just don't know how much longer I can keep saying it before she starts saying it back to me. I want to believe she loves me and I swear I can feel her love but if she doesn't ever say it to me then how will I know?

I don't think too long before I can feel my body start to relax and eyelids droop down. All I needed was her. She is all I need.

Notes

Hey! This chapter doesn't seem as long when I put it up but I swear it was longer...poor Niall. Just going through some emotions, trying to figure things out.

Thank you so much for all your wonderful comments yesterday. They're very motivating. :)

Happy Wednesday!

xoxox