Just as Much

Erica's POV

I laid with Niall until I could hear his breathing slow and he finally relaxed. He needed it. Flying around the world is exhausting. And he's done it twice in a week. I just wanted to stay there with him forever. Just him and I in that room, no one else there, no media, no school, no job. Just us. That would be a dream world. Nothing to keep us apart.

He was so tired. I've never seen him that tired. He's aged so much in the last few years. They all have. They're all serious now, not as fun and jovial as they used to be. Running from one spot to the next, recording one album, touring for six months and doing it all over again is slowly killing them. I've never really thought about it until Niall was mine. Until I couldn't see him everyday. Until I couldn't feel him everyday. Now it's all I think about. Is it always going to be like this? Am I always going to be saying goodbye?

I stopped by and chatted with the Priest about arrangements to set the funeral. I feel like we have lots to get done for the Wake tomorrow but the Priest assured me that everything would be all right and that he could make a few calls to get things gathered. Niall's Nan was a beloved member of the church, when people heard the news they were calling in to the church to offer up assistance.

The florist was easy enough. They were already getting calls in to send flowers to the church so now at least she knows where and when to send them. My errands didn't take as long as I had thought they would, I didn't really know what to expect though. I have a list of verses and songs that Maura and the family needed to chose from that the Priest gave me. The funeral home was in charge of creating programs.

I came home early afternoon to a once again quiet household. Chris had gone to the office to figure some things out for the few days he'll be missing, Greg and the family had gone into town to meet up with some family, and Maura decided to take a nap. I set everything down on the dining room table and searched for Niall.

He was still sleeping.

As much as I hated to wake him, he needed it. He had a good nap but in order for him to sleep at night he needed to wake up now, be up for at least eight hours and then hopefully he could sleep tonight.

The door creaked just a little bit when I slowly opened it, Niall had stirred just a bit but didn't wake. “Babe.” I lean down on the bed and whisper to him. It takes more than that to wake him up but I just wanted to start with it, just to see. “Niall.” I nudged him a little bit and got at least a groan out of him. “Niall, you've got to wake up.” I speak in my normal voice as I pull the covers away from him.

“Five more minutes ma.” His eyes still closed as he searches for the covers.

“No more minutes.” I stand over him and watch him push his head into his pillow more, finally opening his eyes and looking at me. “Sorry, but you need to wake up.” I brush my thumb against his cheek.

“It's okay, I need to get up. You're right.” He sits up, rubbing his face with his hands. “I can't wait to go to bed tonight.” He laughs. I can't help but hug him. “I'm going to shower quick, hopefully that will help.” I nod and leave him to it, I need to make some dinner for tonight anyway.

When I was out I had stopped at the grocery store and picked up a few more things. I didn't know what Maura had in her freezer but I had decided whatever she had probably wasn't enough to feed four and a half extra people.

I was a rather chilly day so I just decided on stew. While everyone was busy I settled into the kitchen and started chopping onions and lamb. The carrots and potatoes needed peeled. Stew is such a process but it's a good outcome so I'll put forth the effort.

I had started cooking the onions, thyme, and lamb when I heard Niall bouncing down the steps. I looked over my shoulder and saw him, hair still damp and around his face, comfy in sweatpants and a sweatshirt. He looked a little better but his face still pale, his eyes still heavy.

“What are you making?” He snakes his arms around me and kisses my neck.

“Stew, for dinner.” I smile slightly as he leans against the counter to watch me.

“Smells amazing. I'm in need of home cooking.” He smirks just a bit.

“You've only been gone a week. I know they make good food for you guys.” I add the broth stock, carrots, barley, salt, pepper, and bouquet garni to the pan and turn on low to simmer for a while. I put the chives back in the bag and in the fridge to cut up later when the stew is finished.

“You work like a machine.” Niall tells me, I sometimes forget I have others watching me. Just in the cooking zone, everything has it's place, everything has a system. I shake my head.

“No, just need to get things done. Do you have any laundry to do?” I ask because most of the time Niall brings home dirty things that need washed badly.

“I can do it, I'll go grab it.” He tells me as I wash my hands at the sink and prepare the washing machine.

“And then he just fell off!” Everyone just burst into a fit of laughter. It's nice to just sit around the table and relax. Eat a good meal, have a few drinks and forget about everything. Niall and Greg are having a good time reliving their childhood memories. I've heard stories I've never heard before, times when they'd get in trouble at school, when Niall caught Greg and a girl kissing in the car and he wouldn't let him hear the end of it. Maura chimed in a few times, making sure the boys got it right or yelling at them when she found out new information that she never knew before.

It's nice just to sit and watch them. They don't get together very often anymore, and not all like this. I know we all wish it was different circumstances but this is just how it has to be I guess.

“Okay, I'm taking Theo up to bed.” Denise stands and fiddles with the straps of Theo's chair, he's been rubbing his eyes for a while.

“I can do that Denise. You can stay down here.” I offer.

“Oh no, thank you Erica but I'm quite tired myself, I think I'm going to head to bed as well.” She kisses Greg on the cheek quick and bids us all goodnight.

“I should get to bed too actually.” Greg stands and pushes his chair in, grasping Niall's shoulder on his way out. No words exchanged, no words needed.

We sit in silence for just a little bit before Chris clears his throat. “So when you headed back Niall?” He finishes his beer and lets it linger on the table. Chris and Niall get along well enough but Niall hasn't been around as much to really get to know him. They still have their awkward moments.

“Um, I'm probably going to leave on Tuesday after the funeral. Join back up with the tour in Indonesia.” He takes a sip of his beer and I just tense up. The conversation just kind of ends there, ends before it starts.

“Well I'm going to bed.” Maura stands. “Thank you for dinner Erica. I'm so glad you're here Niall.” She hugs him quick and squeezes Chris on her way out.

“I'll join you.” Chris calls out over his shoulder and pushes his chair in. Suddenly leaving just Niall and I at the table.

I stand quickly and start gathering all the bowls to take into the kitchen. I don't really acknowledge Niall, just continue cleaning.

“You know, we can get those tomorrow.” He tells me as he starts clearing off the beer bottles from the table.

“Well I can get them quick and then no one has to worry about it in the morning.” I make a slight smile. I don't want to argue with him right now.

“Erica.” His voice makes me pause, turning back to face him. “What's the matter?” He asks.

“You're really leaving on Tuesday?” I cross my arms, I don't want to be defensive but I just can't let this slide.

“Erica, I have to, I have to join back up with the guys and finish out the Asian leg of the tour.”

“You just got here. You need to relax a bit. Can't you just miss the show in Indonesia and join up with everyone In South Africa?” It's only two shows he'd miss.

“You know I can't do that.” He gives me a slightly nasty look and I'm taken a back.

“Yes you can. You need more rest. You're exhausted.” I plead with him.

“I'm fine. You don't know what you're talking about.” I drop the dish in the sink and and wipe my hands on my pants. “I don't want to argue with you.”

“You're right. I don't know what I'm talking about.” I brush past him, leaving in the kitchen.

Notes

Hey everyone! My updates seem to be getting later and later in the day, hopefully you all don't mind! :) I've had some things to deal with here recently that can't be avoided.

Anyway! Anyone sense the tension in the house? Thoughts on how Erica is feeling/dealing with everything? She being irrational or do you think she's just in her feelings?

Friday eve!!

xoxox

P.S. Thank you for being awesome!! :)