Just as Much

Niall's POV

“Happy Birthday!” Everyone shouts at me. Twenty-one, and we played at the Rose Bowl tonight, doesn't get any better then this. Well it could. Things could be a lot better for me but I know it's all my fault. I pushed Erica away without even trying. I literally didn't even try.

Two mistakes I've regretted in my life. One, leaving Erica after we kissed. Two, letting Erica walk away that night in Jersey. I just let her go. I didn't prove anything to her. I only proved to myself that I'm a coward beyond all measures.

Louis was right, I didn't deserve her. I thought she was joking when she told me she didn't want to speak to me ever again, but I haven't heard from her since that day. I've called her so many times I've lost count. I sent her endless amounts of texts. I know she reads them, my phone lets me know she does. But she doesn't respond. She hardly answers the phone when anyone else tries to call her. If she does, it's short conversations. Zayn is pissed at me because he likes talking to Erica and she'll hardly give him the time of day.

Things are falling apart and everyone can blame me for it. I want this tour to be over with. I just want to go home. But home is where she is too. I'm in a sea of Erica and I can't get out. I can't sell my house and pretend I don't know her because I don't want to. I'm still holding on.

“Happy Birthday mate!” Zayn grabs my shoulder. I'm a little anxious just to be around him, knowing his feelings. “I'm not mad at you Naill, for a thousand times, I'm not. I swear.” I look away, just the two of us in close proximity. “You both made your decisions. She's still my friend. You're still my friend.” He lets go of me and reaches around to the small table. “I got you something.” He hands me a small package. “Open it.” His eyes encouraging me.

I rip open the paper, I'm assuming Lou or Caroline wrapped it, the paper is just too neat for him. I soon realize it's a book. Turning it over I read, Farewell to Arms by Ernest Hemingway. I look up at him, a bit confused, I'm not a book reader.

“It's Erica's favorite book.” Like a light bulb has gone off in my brain, this is the book she was talking to me about. “I got one too, I figured we could read it together and talk about it. I know what you have for Erica isn't finished. You just have to figure it out.” He smiles at me then walks away as I clutch the book in my hands. Maybe this will help. Maybe he's right.

I haven't been with anyone else. I know from my time with Gillian it just makes things worse. It just makes things harder. But I still get mad thinking about Erica with Ian. I'm mad because I'm jealous. He can hold her and touch her whenever he wants. He can hold her hand in public without her getting ridicule. It almost makes me mad about my job. How we can't have a lot of privacy without someone sharing it all on the internet. I love my job but I don't have to love everything about it.

“Have fun!” Lou comes and sits next to me. “Its your birthday, you're in LA, come on Niall! Be
happy!” She knows about Erica.

“I'm having fun!” I try to act happy for the moment.

“And you're doing a shit job at it Niall.” I smile and pretend that everything is okay. My heart just doesn't function like it should. It works as far as keeping me alive but my brain and my heart are just broken, everything is broken. Erica will always be everywhere. “Just try, okay?” She kisses my hair and roughs it up just a bit before picking up her drink and moving on. I lean back on the couch and take a sip of my beer, looking at everyone else. Everyone is happy and having fun at my party, I just want that.

She never wished me a Happy Birthday. Childish, I know. To think that after a month and a half of not speaking to me that she would actually try to contact me. But I did get my hopes up, I thought that maybe she would. Maybe she would reach out to me.

I start messing around with my phone, scrolling through all the texts that I've sent to her, it's embarrassing how many I've actually sent to her. They guys have kind of laid off, giving me a break. I didn't think they or I realized how upset I would be over this situation.

I pull twitter up, it's my birthday but all I want is a happy birthday from one person. I search for her name, finding her quickly and see that she actually did tweet today. Hopefully not another year of silence. Happy days. That's it. I know this has to do with me. Another year, happy days? That has to be about my birthday. I smile slightly, maybe she is thinking of me. I put my phone away and join everyone at the table, drinking and laughing.

A pounding on my door makes me wince in pain. Too much to drink last night. Thankfully no one is in the bed next to me. Of course I know, no matter how drunk I am I couldn't do that. Not anymore. My heart's just not in it.

The pounding continues as I flip the covers off. “All right! All right! I'm coming!” I yell to who ever is making that racket, not even bothering to put pants on, I pull the door open in my boxers, seeing a smiling Zayn.

“What the hell?” I ask, rubbing my throbbing head.

“Lets start reading!” He pushes past me with a book in his hand.

“Right now? I'm a little tired Zayn.” I push the door closed.

“It's eleven, Niall. I've been up for hours. It's time to read. Just order some room service, take some pain meds and read.” He flops on the bed, leaning back against the headboard. Flipping through the pages as I just stare at him. He looks up at me, “Get your fucking book.” He tells me, like this isn't the weirdest thing ever. Yesterday was my 21st birthday and now we're here reading Hemingway.

I roll my eyes and start digging for my book, finding it in the bathroom of all places. I take the spot next to Zayn, pushing my lower half under the covers. Eyes still filled with sleep. Not my idea of how I start a morning.

“Have you read this before?” He asks and I just glare at him. “Take that as a no.” He smirks and starts reading. “We'll just read the first chapter and then talk.” I let out a huff, this is seriously not what I want to do right now.

I start reading the introduction and I realize quickly what all the hype of Hemingway is about. This book will not be all rainbows and butterflies. We finish the first chapter of book one easily enough and have nothing to really talk about, just an explanation of scenery and the time frame so we move on to chapter two. What I assume is the main character is introduced, hes drinking with other officers and they're all teasing him, telling him to go on leave to see Italian girls. I can almost picture us guys in the same situation.

I turn to Zayn. “This is boring. I can't get into it.” I close the book and drop it on the bed. I'm too tired for this.

“You read four chapters. Read it. It's a classic. It get's better.”

“How do you know?” I asks.

“Because they all do. Building a story takes time.” He picks the book up and hands it back to me. “Read more.” I don't want to, but I open the book anyway and pick up where I left off. I read quickly, pausing when I get to the middle of chapter five, I quick look over at Zayn's spot, he's further along.

“Did she just slap him? For trying to kiss her?” I'm slightly confused.

“This was World War One time frame Niall, things were more proper and slower.”

“Wait, now they're kissing?” I'm confused. “And now she's crying?” What the hell?

“Women and their emotions are pretty universal throughout time. Confusing as fuck.” He laughs. Why would Erica spend her time reading this, over and over again for that matter.

“Well I can kind of relate when she says “we're going to have a strange life.” I mean, anyone with us would have a strange life.” I try to crack a joke.

“It's true, but the good ones, the good women are worth it Niall. They're worth the strange life and things that we put them through.” I nod, I don't know what to say because I know it's the truth, sometimes life doesn't need to be filled with words. My mum taught me that. Sometimes the silence is nice, just showing someone you're there. Kind of like what Zayn is doing. We're reading together and occasionally talking but just his gesture of the book and letting me know that he'll help me out if I need it means a lot.

My phone buzzes and I see Erica has a new tweet, two in two days is a little over the top for her. My eyes go wide when I see what she's tweeted.

Hemingway.

I don't dare show Zayn but that's it. I feel a sense of relief to know that even thousands of miles away and even if she's not talking to me, we might be reading the same thing. Maybe even the same book. We are going to have a strange life.

Notes

Hey everyone!! Welcome to all my new readers, so excited that everyone is reading and enjoying my story. I appreciate it so much!

I did some writing yesterday, good stuff. :) No hints here. Hahaha. Like I said in my update yesterday, things are going to be jumping around so it's been about a month since the last chapter. I didn't think you guys wanted a ton of chapters where they're apart. :)

Happy Sunday!

xoxo