Just as Much

Niall's POV

She's mad. Her face is red, I've never seen her like this. Shes found me quickly behind stage and grabbed my arm quickly, guiding me to I don't know where. She opens a door and flips on the lights, just an empty dressing room she pushes me inside.

“What the fuck are you doing?”She yells at me, taking me back a bit. I didn't know what I expected when I blew kisses at her and winked at her but it sure as hell wasn't this.

“I-I just thought.” I can't find my words at all, my brain has suddenly turned to mush.

“You just thought what Niall?” She interrupts me and I notice her hands balled up against her sides.

“I don't know, okay?” I'm so angry at the situation. I pull at my hair, turning away from her kicking the air, if I had anything in here to kick I would.

“What are you trying to pull? I'm here with someone.” No shit you're here with someone Erica.

“Why did you even bring him here? To shove it in my face?” I cross my arms, I'm pissed she brought someone else here but I know she can. She's not tied to me.

“I brought him because he likes 5 second of summer. And he gets along with Kristen and Heath. I don't know why the fuck you even care? You've hardly cared about me this whole time I've been gone!” Does she not see what she does to me? How can she not know how I feel just from me acting like this.

“Whatever Erica.” I try to bite the inside of my tongue so I can hold back words that I know will hurt both her and I.

“Don't whatever me Niall. No. Why does it bother you?” Because I love you, because I want to spend the rest of my life with you, because I'm sorry for leaving you that morning. All my thought run through my head but I can't form the words in my mouth.

“It doesn't.” A lie. How long can I keep lying to her? How long can I keep the truth from raising up my throat and slipping out of my mouth?

“Cut the shit liar.” My anger is getting the best of me, she knows I can't stand that word. I've never been one to lie, I'm not dishonest.

“Excuse me?” I can't help but let my anger come out when I say those words, the tension in this room heightened.

“You heard me Niall. I called you a liar.” She starts tapping her foot, like a clock ticking. “Tell me the truth. Why does it bother you so much?” I don't think I've ever seen Erica this upset before.

I look away for a second and flop down on the couch, burring my head in my hands “I can't.” All the anger is gone from my body, I'm just beat. Just exhausted. I just can't say the things I want to a girl that's been taken by someone else. It's not right.

“Why not?” She sits down on the couch, her voice falling.

“Because you're here with him!” I snap quickly, like it isn't obvious. Seeing her face react to my sudden voice change makes me dial it down again.“You're with him okay? I'm different on stage, I have no fear.” It's true, it's like you can be free and no one cares what you say or how you act, the crazier the better according to the audience.

“So tell me now. It's just you and me. No one else is here Niall. What is going on?” She's pleading with me but I just can't tell her. I just won't ruin something she might have going. Maybe it's better this way.

“I can't.”

“I won't even look at you Niall. Please just tell me what's going on.” I can literally hear her heart breaking. I'm just selfish.

A knock on the door pulls our attention to the door. “Erica? We're getting ready to leave.” It's Ian. Of course.

“This is your last chance Niall. Please.” She stands up quickly, changing her tune quickly. “I don't know why you're pitching this fit anyway. You've hardly asked me anything about myself since I got here. You constantly ask me about where things are, or how to do this or that, you never ask how I'm doing.” I've never even realized I've done that. It wasn't my intention. I was just trying to find ways to talk to her.

“Thanks for coming today.” God, I'm an idiot. I'm letting her walk away again. This is all my fault but my feet feel like cement. They're stuck exactly where they are. My lips are frozen. It's like something has just come over me, freezing me.

“Fuck you Niall. I put myself out there, I kissed you and you just disappeared, I've never been so embarrassed. I know you lied about that early meeting. I gave you two years to say something to me. Two years! You'll have to find someone else to clean your house, I'm not come back, I'm done. I'll see you around.” I can't even respond before she pulls the door open and leaves. I knew she knew about me lying. I had no idea how much it hurt her when I left. I should have known.

---------------
What the fuck just happened? I stand alone in the dressing room. Erica just exploded and left. I don't think I've ever seen her that angry. She hardly even curses. What have I done? I sit, trying to process everything. She wants me to find another housekeeper? What if I never see her again? The thought causes me to lose breath. I sit in silence, rocking back and forth, my head resting in my hands. I feel the tears start to well up in my eyes. Anyone whose said that guys don't cry, is a liar. I've shed so many tears over Erica.

A gentle knock on the door makes me quickly wipe my eyes with the back of my hand. I know my eyes are already red, my mind is just racing.

“Niall?” Louis peeks his head in and my shoulders drop. For some miracle I thought that Erica would come back and that would be it. That we would live happily ever after. Such an idiot.

“Yeah mate.” I chose my words carefully, I fee like almost anything could set me off again. I watch as Louis squeezes in and quietly shuts the door, joining me on the couch.

“What happened?” He asks, curious. I know they're all curious.

“I don't know. We sang Little Things and I couldn't take my eyes off of her, I winked at her, I blew her kisses. I was just trying to get her to see it was all about her. But she flipped. She pulled me in here and yelled at me. Gave me the opportunity to tell her my feelings and I just shut down. I couldn't do it. I kept picturing her holding hands with that Ian guy, kissing him, and being with him. I just can't stop thinking that she's better with someone else. Someone who can hold her every night, and kiss her everyday. We can't do that.” I'm getting angry thinking about it all again.

“But it doesn't matter. Yes she deserves that, but so does Eleanor, and Perrie, and Sophia. But we love them, they love us, they'll still be there for us at the end of the day. You have to put those emotions aside and read what your heart is trying to tell you.” I take a deep breath, trying to realize all that Louis is telling me.

“But what do I do now?” I can't chase after her, not in this crowded place. I'll get mobbed in a second.

“You let her go.” Louis looks at me and all my fears come rushing into my mind.

“Let her go? I can't let her go!” I stand, upset at the thought. The last thing I want to do is walk away from Erica.

“Listen Niall. She's given you plenty of opportunity. You don't deserve her anymore. Your shyness with girls, while cute, can't always be an excuse. You've known her for years, we all have, Erica is the easiest person to talk to so I have no idea why these feelings of anxiety are getting to you. And now she's with someone else. You can't hold on forever. We're still touring until October, she'll be in New York till December. Maybe you two just need to cool off.” He suggests.

“What if I don't want to?” I finally have the courage to look at him.

“It's too late Niall. She needs time now.” He pats my thigh and stands up. “I'll tell everyone what happened so they won't ask questions.” I nod as he leaves me in the room alone.

This is not how I pictured my night ending up. This is not how I pictured my life. A life without Erica. A life alone.

Notes

Anyone ever been there? Maybe not as extreme of a situation like Erica and Niall, but not being able to form words when it matters the most and when it's the right time to tell someone about your feelings. Poor Niall. Now we wait and see where things go from here. :)

Thank you all for being absoultly amazing!

Happy Friday!

xoxo