When I'm Gone

Louis' POV



I sat in front of her house for what felt like hours, even though it was only ten minutes. To be honest I was afraid of her father coming back and killing me. I know he could, he's massive. Plus I was anxiously waiting for Niall to come pick me up.


And if looks could kill, Niall's face would have killed me. I had to explain everything to him on the phone before he would pick me up.


“What the fuck is your problem?” That's the first thing he's told me when I get in the passenger side.


“Well hello to you too.” I grumble, throwing my bag in the back.


“Don't give me that shit Lou. What are you doing?” He shifts his car into gear and travels onward.


“I don't know. Okay? I don't know what I'm doing.” I admit to him.


“I'll tell you what your doing. You're messing up your life. Making one of the biggest mistakes I've ever known you to do. Kate is perfect. Any man would wife her up in a heartbeat. And here you are, throwing her away.” He scolds me as if I'm a child.


“What do you know about love Niall? You've never even been in love.” I chaste him, instantly regretting my words. It's not like he didn't try to have serious relationships, Niall was honestly just too nervous and self-conscious, if you can believe that.


“I know that when you really love someone that you fight for them. You're just walking away from her. Picking Eleanor. Do you even remember the last year you had with her? The constant fighting, the nit-picking? You both weren’t happy. It was a fucking nightmare to be around. And here you are, forgetting everything and running back to her like a dog with you tail between your legs. And why?” He looks at me, furry in his eyes. “Because you're a fucking coward.” He spits out.


I sit in silence as we drive, not answering because I know he's telling the truth. I am a coward. He pulls up In front of the airport, putting his car in park and looking at me one last time. “It's not too late to make the right decision Louis. Not too late for me to turn back.”


“Thanks Niall, I just have to do this.” I grab my bag and slam the car door, no goodbyes are exchanged, I know I've let Niall down. I walk into the airport and what the first song I hear is “Stand by me.” Of course. I wonder around for what feels like hours before something inside of me just breaks. I get a text from Eleanor and I read it quickly, anxious to see her.


So glad you're choosing me. Big shopping plans for when you get here.


I think for a while, just looking at my phone. Sometimes when I'm at the airport and people don't notice me, I like to just watch others. “Addy wait for me!” I hear a woman yelling for her daughter and I look up to see someone probably not that older then my Olivia holding a folded up sign. My Olivia, that will never happen now. The mom crouches down behind her and I lean in just to listen. “Okay, so daddy will be coming up that walkway, so just hold this sign and when you see him you can run to him and give him hugs and kisses. He really misses you.” The mom tells her daughter, her face just beaming. I want that. I have this urge to have that family, that connection. “Daddy!” My attention is drawn back to the girl who has dropped her sign, running towards who I'm assuming is her father into a big hug.


And then I know. This isn't right. This isn't what I'm suppose to do. Kate is part of my fate. Kate. I need her, I need her in my life and not Eleanor. I literally take of running, dodging people to exit security and desperate for the exit, yelling for a taxi before I'm even out the doors.


She'll never forgive me for this but I have to try. I can't live my life knowing that I didn't at least try.


I try and persuade the drive to get there as quick as possible but I know he won't break the speed limit. I don't even know what I'm going to tell her when I get there. I left her broken and alone, it wouldn't surprise me if she never wanted to see me ever again.


Nerves overcome my body as we pull up to her house. I was just here two hours ago breaking her heart and here I am now trying give some grand gesture and get her back. I knock repeatedly at the front door and no one answers. I creep around the side and see her car is gone, I'm frustrated but I try the side door quickly and see it's left unlocked.


“Kate?” I call out and get no answer as I bravely walk up the steps and peek in her room.


There I see her. Sitting on the floor, leaning against the bed, head back with dried tear streaks on her face. She'll never take me back but I have to try. I have to try.


“Kate.” I whisper before I can think as her head turns to face me quickly.


“Why are you here Louis?” She tells me as she throws her head back against the bed and I carefully walk towards her, I'm timid.


“I'm so sorry Kate. I know you'll never forgive me but I chose you. You have every right to push me away, to never want to speak to me ever again. But I chose you. I don't know why I would ever go back to her, it's like I was in a trance. But I know now, I see it.” I sit across from her, she's not looking at me.


“How can I trust that your telling the truth? How do I know that you're not going to change your mind in a week and do this again?” She pulls her knees up, creating as much space between us as possible.


“I promise. I know that doesn't mean much to you and it shouldn't because I'm an idiot. I'm an asshole. But I got to the airport and I just couldn't. I wondered around and realized I was already with her. I saw this family, they had a daughter named Addy and all I could think about was you, how I wanted that. How I wanted to see you as soon as I came home. Eleanor and I did what we could and theirs a reason I'm not with her. You and me. Our story hasn't been written yet. We've only started our journey. I didn't mean to push you away. I didn't mean to do this. I will spend the rest of my life beating myself up about this.” I match her seated position, crossing my ankles, closing myself up.


She sits in silence. This silence is killing me. I deserve this.


“Please just know that I love you. I love you so much.” The tears are falling rapidly on my face and Kate won't look at me.


“You told me once that you never wanted to see me hurt. And here I am. When I needed you most, you didn't fight for me. Did you simply just close your eyes when I cried? Shut your ears when I screamed?” Her words know how to slice right through me.


“I'm not perfect. I know I've made a mistake. I swear with ever thing and fiber in my being and soul that I will change our future if you'll let me. I can't change the fact of what I hid from you and how I lied to you. I'll never forgive myself, even if you can't, I will always life with this guilt.” I inch just a little bit closer to her, slowly.


“I'm so mad at you Louis.” She finally looks at me. Her shoulders slumped. Her skin dull from life. Her eyes dry and full of pain.


“I know.” I tell her.


“My life is messy. It's not just about me. It's not just about love with me. I have to know that no matter what that you will be here for me. I have to know that you won't go running to the hills when you get an itch. I can't worry that you're going to run somewhere else when you feel like it. If you're with me, that's it. We're a team. I have scars, things that I carry with me and you have scars. I just can't live my life with a broken heart.” I reach out for her hand and to my surprise she lets me hold it. Lets me wrap my fingers around hers. “I just want the sun to shine all the time, I want peace in my life. I want you in it. I thought you didn't want me. I thought you walked away from me. Forever.” She whispers that last part.


“I'm here. I'm here right now.” I pull her hand and squeeze her. “And if you'll have me, I'm never leaving you ever again.” I straighten out my legs and pull her onto my lap, hugging her close, Kate just resting her head on my shoulder makes me relax a little. Just a little.


“Please don't run anymore. I've had my heart broken too much.” I squeeze her again. Kissing her hair.


“I love you. I love you in a really big pretend I care about the color of your shirt, read as many books as I can to Olivia, hold your hair back when you get sick, get up early to scoop snow, drive to the end of the world to get you your favorite cookie love. I don't deserve you. You deserve better. But if you let me show you, I know that I can prove that I will be your best decision. Your best mistake will be letting me back into your life.” I plead with her. “Please.”


She looks up at me, inches from my face and holds my gaze, saying nothing but snaking her arms around my neck and kissing me. I can taste the salty, dried tears on her lips as she's giving me all she has in this kiss. My heart breaking, thinking this is goodbye. When she finally pulls away she puts her hand on my chest and looks back to me.


“I don't trust you.” She finally looks at me. Heart broken.


“I don't deserve your trust.” I tell her honestly. I don't deserve her at all.


“Where do we go from here?” She asks, my heart jumps at just the small word, we.


“I'm leaving it all in your hands. I will accept whatever you decide.” As long as I'm in your life. Please say it's okay.


“I don't know if I can put my heart in your hands right now.” She brings her legs up, still on my lap, picking at her chipped toe nail polish.


“Please don't.” I'm trying to find the right words to say. I can't fix this but I wish I could just go back. I'd never answer the phone when Eleanor first called. Ever. “Please.”


“I just don't think your ready for a serious commitment right now, and that's what I need. That's the only thing I can have.” My heart drops. “I'm sorry Louis. I really do love you, I love you so much, but I can't start a relationship with someone who isn't ready.” I can't help but let tears well up in my eyes. “I'm so sorry.”


“No, I'm sorry, this is my fault.” I tell her. “All my fault.” I'm upset about it obviously but this is my punishment. “Can I just stay here with you for a little bit longer? I just need this memory of you.” I tell her, pulling her closer.


I feel her head nod. “I need this too.” My shirt wet with her tears as we cling to each other in desperation. “If fate wants us to be together, we'll be together.” She whispers in my ear and that's all I need for my tears to pour.

Notes

So this is it. Don't hate me, I never promise happy endings. :)

I do have a little more left to the story, I'll post tomorrow and the day after, I promise. I know this chapter was super long, I couldn't break it up anywhere so it just ended up being long.

I know most of you won't like this but I make my characters real, and to be honest if I was Kate, I couldn't trust him either and if you can't trust someone, you can't be in a healthy relationship.

Love you all, BIG thank you to everyone who has commented, subscribed, and voted. :)

xoxox