When I'm Gone

Louis' POV

I race back to our room and throw all my things in my bag, not even folding or checking to see if I've gotten everything. I don't care, I can buy new things. I call one of the staff that works at Modest, I don't even care that it's early in the morning, he's getting me a private plane so I can take it from Valletta to London straight, no busy airports and other people to deal with.

I'll be all alone on the plane.

Eleanor called me almost all night. I couldn't answer and I'm thankful she finally gave up. For some reason I have it imprinted in my brain that I'm still going to see her. It's just something I have to do.

I also stuffed Kate's Christmas ornament in my bags. I know she'll never want this memory of us but I just have to have it for some reason, just in case she never forgives me, I'll always remember the day I screwed everything up.

I'm such a fuck up. I can't even describe the disappointment I feel with my life right now. I have to see Kate though. Before I see Eleanor, I have to see Kate one last time. Even if she hates me. Even if she won't speak to me. I have to see Olivia.

Touching down in London as really brought all my fears to life. I'm so close to Kate, I can just feel it as the taxi takes me to her house. I don't even want to go home. I brace myself as I knock on the door and am soon face to face with Lauren. Kate's mom. She's beyond disappointed. I don't blame her. I'm sure Kate has told her everything, or enough.

“Louis.” She leans against the door frame, blocking me out from entering.

“Lauren, can I see her, please?” I'm begging.

“I don't think that's a good idea Louis. She's just calmed down.”

“Please, just one time, I just need to explain.” Just then I hear a familiar voice, a familiar little voice.

“Louis!” Olivia comes running to me and I crouch down to catch her, holding on for dear life, I see Lauren's lips form a tight smile, like she's trying not to smile.

“Louis.” I pick Olivia up and stand to face Lauren. “Jack and I are taking Olivia to the park, could you please lock the door when you leave?” She ask, I'm so thankful she's allowing me to see her.

I simply nod and put Olivia down, she's still clinging to me.

“I love you Louis.” She whispers in my ear and I'm pushed over the edge. She's never said that to me. Not only am I breaking Kate's heart, I'll be breaking Olivia's too.

“I love you too Olivia.” She kisses my cheek and giggles. She has no idea how much I care for her, this innocent girl who will understand soon what hate is.

I watch them put coats on and without a word, walk past me and shut the door to the house. I take a deep breath and calmly walk up the steps, preparing myself for what's to come. Reminding myself that everything Kate tells me, I deserve it.

I knock slightly on her door and wait. “You can come in mom.” Kate shouts, her voice shaky from the other side. Now or never.

I open and see I'm face to face with a broken girl. I did this to her. Her hair disheveled, eyes bloodshot, face make-up free. She looks so tired.

“Louis. What are you doing here?” She sits up in bed and instantly tries to calm her hair, wiping under her eyes with her fingers.

“You left so quickly, I just needed to see you.” I close the door and lean against it, fighting every ounce of my being to not go over and hug her and tell her how stupid I am, but they way I'm feeling is it's an empty promise.

“How's Eleanor?” She asks.

“I haven't spoken with her.” I tell her honestly. I haven't yet, at least.

“Why did you really come here?” She pulls her knees up and wraps her arms around them.

“I'm so sorry Kate.” I whisper.

“What? I can't hear you.” Her eyebrows raised.

“I said I was sorry.” I tell her with a little more force then I originally want to, she's taken back just a bit, I instantly messed up again.

“And I told you it's fine Louis.” She shrugs her shoulders. “We're not together. You can leave now.” She points to the door.

“Why are you shutting me out?” I take a step forward.

“Me? Shutting you out? You're the one who lied to me. I told you over and over again I didn't want to rush into anything when you just broke up with Eleanor. I didn't want to be a rebound. I mean, do you even love me? Or did you just say that to fuck me?” Her bottom lip trembling, the crude words she uses, stuck in my thoughts.

“Of course I love you Kate. I wouldn't just say it to say it. I just have to make sure things are done with Eleanor. I'm confused with my choices.” I try to explain. No one understands, fuck, I don't understand.

“Well I'll make the choice for you. You can leave Louis. You can just go be with Eleanor. I'll survive. I will be more then fine without you.” She grits her teeth and nods her head, trying to convince herself that she believes it. “Why didn't you tell me about Eleanor?” Her voice breaks just a little bit and she turns her head, trying to shield it from my sight.

“I don't know. It just happened at random and I didn't think it would continue. Then when it did I felt like it was too late to tell you. I thought that if I did tell you that you would get upset. That we would focus all about the end of us and I just wanted it to be about the middle. I like the middle.” I run my fingers through my hair in frustration. “You'll never know how sorry I am.”

“Am I just not good enough for you?” That question just broke my heart. Shattered in a million pieces.

“Kate.” I take a deep breath, hoping that I can explain this the right way. “You are more than good enough. You are beyond good enough. You are someone that I never thought would want anything to do with me. You are so genuine, so caring, so just perfect, I don't deserve you. I don't think I ever have deserved you.” I try to put my thoughts into words, I've never been good at it.

“Then why? Why are you doing this? You have me right now.” Her voice cracks.

“I don't know why. I can't explain it. I was just tied to Eleanor for so long that I just have to know. I have to know that everything is dead between us. I never meant to hurt you. I-”

“But you did Louis. You did hurt me. You are hurting me right now.” Her voice filled with pain, her hands poking into her chest. I can hear it in her voice, she's going to burst soon. I don't know if I can handle that.

“I'm so sorry.”

“What did you think would happen? That you would just lie to me, go see Eleanor, and then come back to me? That I wouldn't find out?”

“I don't know Kate. I just have to know. I have to know that if I chose you that I'm making the right choice. I want to be with you so bad but I feel like my story with Eleanor isn't closed yet.” I see her eyes getting glossy and I can't stomach the fact that I'm the reason as to why she's crying.

“Please leave Louis.” She wipes her eye with the back of her hands. The tears just falling.

“Please don't cry Kate. I'm so sorry, I can't say it enough.” I try to reason with her, try to step closer to her, I feel like I need to just reason with myself.

“Just leave!” She shouts at me and I know I've broken her. I don't think I'll ever recover from seeing that face. “I've cried so much today over you, I don't think I have any tears left. I have no energy to do this.”

This is it. The end before the beginning. I nod and turn my back to her, quietly closing the door and reaching the bottom of the steps before my body is wrecked with tears again.

Notes

Ahh Louis and Olivia break my heart. I can't believe I only have about twoish chapters left!! Crazy, I'll be sad when this story ends. :(

Couldn't sleep last night, ever have one of those nights were you're so tired but you still can't fall asleep? That was me last night.

Thank you, thank you, thank you to everyone that has voted, subscribed, and commented. Can't thank you all enough. :)

Happy Monday!!

xoxo