When I'm Gone

Louis' POV

I come out of a steamy shower and quickly realize that my phone was not in my pocket. I know I haven't deleted Eleanor and I's text messages. The weight of this secret is too much to bare. I need to tell Kate. Tonight. I'll tell her tonight.

I come out of the bathroom thinking of some stupid excuse to grab my phone while I'm in a towel when I hear her talking. I round the corner and see Kate, talking on my phone. God no. Not like this.

“Kate, who are you talking to? That my phone?” She turns and I see it, Kate's face, pale, what looks like tears that have rained down her face “Kate, give me my phone please.” God please don't let that be who I think it is. I reach my hand out, timid as to what will happen next. I can't blame her that she's angry. I would be angry too. She drops the phone in my hand and brushes past me as I quickly pull the phone to my ear. It's Eleanor. “Why would you do that?” I ask.

“Louis! Hey! Do what?” She asks, completely clueless.

“Why are you calling me?” I'm such an ass.

“So we can figure out your plans to come see me.” She says it so simple, like she has no idea she just broke someone's heart.

“I'll come see you in a few days. You didn't have to tell her Eleanor. I was going to do it myself.” I'm snippy with her but I just need to get her off the phone.

“Well I feel bad that you keep stringing her along. So I did what you obviously don't have the balls to do. I told her that you've been talking to me for months and you're coming to see me. I know you are. She'll get over it. It's fine.” I can see her on the other end just shrugging her shoulders like this is the easiest decision of her life.

“I have to go Eleanor.” I pull the phone away and hang up before she has a chance to say anything. I take a deep breath and prepare myself for the tornado of emotions I will be met with soon. And she has every right to be like this.

I quietly knock on the door. “Kate? Could you let me in please, I've got to get some clothes on.” I'm still dressed in a towel when I hear the door lock click and the door slowly open. Kate keeps her back to me as she moves as far away from me as possible. I close my eyes tight, knowing I'm making a mistake but maybe this is what we need. This way I can protect her from the shit media storm that constantly surrounds me.

“Kate, can we talk please?” I ask her after I've changed.

“I don't think that's a good idea Louis. It's fine.” She won't look at me. She won't even look at me.

“Please, Kate, you have to understand. Please look at me Kate.” I don't think I can handle the sight of her face, I've broken her. This is all my fault.

“It's fine Louis.” Her voice is low, sad. Arms crossed.

“I just need to see her one more time, I have to make sure we're done. Please understand.” I don't even understand, how can I make her understand. I just need to know. I'm selfish, I know. But I just have to know that we're done. I reach my hand out to touch her shoulder but she quickly jerks away.

“I get it. I'm going to sleep in the other room tonight.” She tells me and I just shake my head.

“Please don't. I'll sleep there. I'm so sorry Kate.” I wait as long as I can before I hang my head low and walk out.

I feel like I'm just giving up. I shuffle to the other room. It's cold, no sign of love at all in this room. I need to see Eleanor, just one last time. I need to know that I'm making the right decision to be with Kate. I know she doesn't understand but I need to do this.

I'm such an idiot.

I lay back on the bed and throw my arms back. Why am I not running into our room and apologizing a million times to Kate right now? Not begging for forgiveness. That's what I should be doing. But my feet won't move. My brain keeps telling me that I need to do this. That Eleanor is the logical choice. The one that has been there for me, I just can't let that go. But my heart wants Kate. God my heart wants Kate.

I've never been this conflicted in my life.

Before I can react my hand reaches for my phone and I'm calling Liam. He's logical. He'll tell me what to do.

“Hey Lou! How's Malta?” He's cheerful.

“Hey.” I respond. Glum.

“What's the matter?” His tone suddenly changing, concerned.

“I messed up Liam. I messed up so bad.” I sit up on the bed and slump over.

“What happened?”

“Kate found out that I've been talking to Eleanor. And that I'm going to see Eleanor in a few days.” I whisper, I don't even know if he heard me.

“You what?” Well that didn't take long, Liam is already pissed.

“You heard me.”

“I did, I just didn't think you were telling the truth. You didn't just mess up, you're a fucking idiot.” I can hear Sophia in the background trying to get him to calm down. She's best at it, she can get him calm in seconds. “Why?”

“I just have to see if Eleanor and I are really done. I have to know.” I emphasize have.

“So why are you stringing Kate along then if you were never really over Eleanor to begin with?” He asks the obvious question.

“Because I love her. I love her so much.” None of this makes sense when you put it into words. I sound like a confused puppy chasing it's tail.

“If you love Kate you wouldn't be hurting her this much. I know she has to be hurting Louis. I don't know why your doing this to yourself. You're setting yourself up for failure. You're going to lose Kate. Then you'll spend the rest of your life hating yourself. She's one in a million.” His words pierce my heart.

“What am I suppose to do?”

“You go after Kate you moron! Things with you and Eleanor have taken their course, you stay with Kate. You and Eleanor ended for a reason. You go to her, get on your knees and beg for forgiveness. And since I know she has the biggest heart I've ever seen you have a slim chance of getting her back.” He's way more upset then I thought.

“I have to go.” I hang up the phone. I've been good at not saying goodbye's lately.

I wake up at five am. I didn't realize I had fallen asleep. I'm fairly certain that I fell asleep drowning in my tears.

I need to see Kate. I take a deep breath, calming myself before I open the door to the room I'm staying in and walk to the room Kate and I shared. The door is slightly open and when I push it back I realize my worst fear. The bed was never slept in. A scan of the bathroom, all her things are gone, all her clothes are gone. The Christmas ornament we bought together is left on the bed with a simple note.

“I never want to remember this trip.”

I rip the note up into little pieces and race down the hall. I'm such an idiot! I fell asleep! Liam is right. I am a fucking moron.

I run into Nicole in the outdoor dining room.

“Nicole! Where is Kate?” I ask and she gives me a disgusted look. Great.

“She left a few hours ago. Said she was going home.” She pours a glass of water for me and turns around to leave. Leaving me to my thoughts.

She did it. I did this. I pushed her away. I pushed her to her breaking point.

I pull a chair out in defeat, laying my arms on the table and burying my head in them, just breaking down.

Notes

Ohhhh Louis. He's not making any sense. Trying to do what he thinks is best but his heart and head are in two different spots. Only a few chapters left to go!! Thoughts??

LOVE YOU ALL for your wonderful comments and support through out this story, you have no idea how much it means to me!

Started my Niall story recently...super excited about it. :)

Hope everyone has a fantastic Sunday! Sunday Funday!!

xoxox