When I'm Gone

Louis' POV

I walked away from Kate's house that day just beyond upset. I couldn't believe that she was leaving. I didn't know what I expected to find when I told her I was marrying Eleanor but I felt like I had to tell her.

I knew she wouldn't understand.

I just fear the unknown. I fear what will happen if I do say goodbye to Eleanor and I decide to be with Kate. Kate was right, I am a chicken. I have an unhealthy fear of being alone. An unhealthy fear of making decisions. Even if they are whats good for me.

I'll never know now if Kate was the one for me.

Who am I kidding. I know she was the one for me. I felt it with every fiber in my being that being with Kate was what I was suppose to do. But I couldn't. I couldn't make that leap of faith.

The night I walked away from Kate was the hardest thing I had ever had to do. I stayed longer then I think Kate would have liked, I helped Olivia paint her nails, I let her paint my nails whatever color she wanted. I was going to miss them so much.

I wanted to kiss Kate so bad. I wanted to sit on the floor and hold her, while we watched Olivia play. I had an overwhelming urge to be a family with them. To just stay there forever. But I couldn't. I wanted something that I couldn't have. So I have to settle with what I have.

The night I walked away I called Harry instantly. Crying. Like uncontrollable sobs. I'm surprised he even understood me. I made noises that I never thought I could. I somehow made it to his house and got so drunk that I threw up multiple times. Passed out, woke up and got drunk again. It was like my way of detoxing from Kate. Harry told me time and time again to quit things with Eleanor and go after Kate but I couldn't allow myself to.

She has been through too much. Too much to put her through anymore. I know I would just end up hurting her more then she's already been hurt. She deserved someone who could be there for her constantly.

So tonight. I was proposing to Eleanor.

I had everything planned out.

In the end, this was my decision.

“El, you ready yet?” I yell up the steps, I'm surprised a path isn't worn out on the tile floor for how much I've been pacing. I'm not afraid to propose, I'm almost more afraid she'll say yes.

She comes bouncing down the steps with a smile on her face.

Eleanor really is beautiful. She makes me smile all the time.

“Lets go, yeah?” She reaches the bottom of the steps and I pull her coat out of the closet to help her into.

I take her hand and lead her out the house and into the car. Racing around to the other side I get in and off we go to my secret location.

“Louis, where are we going?” El asks me with a wide smile. I drive past some of her favorite places to eat.

“No where special.” I try to down play everything to fuel the surprise.

For the Longest Time comes on the radio and I quickly change it.

“Louis! I like that song.” El protests and moves it back to that station, quickly singing along. I sit in torture listening to it. It painfully reminds me of Kate. I just can't get away.

I park in front of the London Eye and look at El with a smile on my face. “So you want to take a ride?' I ask her and she smiles.

I rented the Eye out for the night, it's expensive but worth it.

I escort her to the stopped ride and let her in.

“Oh shoot, I forgot something in the car, I'll be right back.” I tell her and on my way out of our pod, I wink at the administrator and he promptly shuts the door, locking Eleanor in the contraption.

I walk away and text her, “All part of the plan. Sit back and enjoy. Clues to follow.”

In the pod is a rather lengthy note I've written to Eleanor. I wrote our story. Everything we've been through. How we first met, my feelings about her, how I remember what she was wearing the first time I saw her. Things that happened between us, things that no one else knows about us. I've never told her about the emotional connection I have with Kate, I probably never will. She won't understand and it will only hurt her more then I already have.

In addition to the “book” I've written her I made a slide show of all of our favorite pictures. On the last slide is a clue to the next place I want her to go. She has to collect the rose I've left. I'll have someone waiting to drive her there. I have an hour. The ride lasts an hour.

I race off to my next destination.

Eleanor's favorite place to eat. I leave a note along with her favorite dessert, and a single rose about the next place she has to go.

Her favorite park. Lou is there with another clue about where to go and another rose.

Niall's house. One of the first places we went as a couple. He's there with another rose, another clue.

Liam's house. Her and Sophia have become so close since Sophia has been in Liam's life I felt it only fitting. Sophia and Liam have yet another rose and another clue.

Zayn's house. A place he shares with Perrie. With yet another rose and the final clue.

The garden in the back of our house. I've had someone make a winter wonderland, this is where I'll be waiting.

It's been almost four hours since I dropped Eleanor off. I hear the door click closed and I turn to see Eleanor, full of tears waiting on the steps.

“Ah, you made it.” I smirk walking up to her.

“I see I have.” She smiles and accepts my hand as I escort her down the small group of steps, wrapping my arm around hers.

I have her sit on one of the concrete benches and turn to her. From the outside the look on my face as to be of nervousness but I feel in all actuality, it's a feeling of fear. I'm afraid if doing this, afraid that this is the wrong decision.

“Eleanor. I've loved you since I first laid eyes on you. You make me feel safe, complete, and whole. It would be an dream if I could be with you forever.” I drop to my knee and pull the ring box out of my pocket. “Eleanor Jane Calder, will you do me the honour of becoming my wife?” I'm shaky as she gasps and brings her hands to her face.

“Oh my God, yes. Louis, yes!” She holds her hand for me to pull the ring out of the box and slip it on her finger. “Oh, it's perfect.” She brings her hands to my face and pulls me up as we stand together, tangled together.

“I love you.” She whispers into my shoulder.

“I love you. I love you so much.” I hug her tighter. Maybe if I say it over and over again, it will be true.

Notes

Yikes. So Louis and Eleanor are engaged. Kind of feel bad for Louis, he's all torn up inside. And so much more to write! Just setting himself up for failure.

Thank you all for the lovely comments, I usually check on my phone a few times a day and I love to see what others think. I'm sure this chapter might get a rise out of some of my readers. :)

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