When I'm Gone

Kate's POV

It's been two weeks since Olivia's seizure and surgery. She stayed in the hospital for a week, they monitored her progress and I talked with doctors like crazy. Different kind of specialists, different oncologists, doctors from different countries.

We could give up. I could let Olivia just be “normal” for the duration of her life, and let the cancer overcome her body. I could do that. But I didn't want to. I wanted to fight for her life, it wasn't fair to Olivia for me to just give up. I was ready to put everything on the line to fight for her. I didn't care what it cost. Money was no object, I would give it all up so she could live.

Which is why Olivia and I were going home.

Not our London home.

Olivia had been accepted into St. Jude Children's Research Hospital program. We already stated a treatment plan, she would undergo surgery right away to get rid of as many of the tumors as we could. Then we would start an intense program of chemotherapy, external and internal radiation, and a stem-cell transplant. She has an advanced stage of Neuroblastoma. Without even seeing Olivia, the doctors at St. Jude's consulted with Olivia's doctors here, have given her a 50% chance of survival. This treatment was crucial for her life.

So I was giving as much time as I could to be with Olivia and do anything I could for her.

I haven't spoken to Louis since the hospital ball. I meant what I said when I told him that I couldn't be alone with him, I couldn't be with him if he was with Eleanor. It wasn't fair to anyone. And it wasn't fair for Olivia to put Louis in her life so much to have him walk away. I couldn't do it, I had to put her first. She will always come first.

I was packing up the last of our personal stuff when the doorbell rang. I wasn't selling our house, Patricia would stay and keep the house up while we were gone, maybe if Olivia was better we could come back to live.

I zipped up my bag and raced down the steps. My mom had come to help us pack, she was watching a movie with Olivia downstairs.

I reached the bottom of the steps and flung the door open without looking to see who it was. There stood Louis.

“Hi.” He's hesitant.

“Hey.” I purse my lips tight, biting them almost.

“May I come in?” He looks behind me, assuming to look for Olivia.

“Sure.” It doesn't usually snow here till February, but the rain has been nuts. I move to the side and he walks in, slipping his shoes off and hanging his coat up on a free hook. Plus, just in case, I didn't want any unwanted media attention.

“What's up?” I ask crossing my arms, waiting for the reason for his visit.

“I'm proposing to Eleanor.” He avoids eye contact with me. I simply nod my head once, not quite knowing what to say.

“Congratulations.” God this is awkward.

“Can we talk?” He's hesitant. Again.

“About what?”

“I just want to explain everything Kate.” He sounds defeated. Just tired.

“You don't owe me anything Louis. You owe me no explanation for your decision.” I shrug my shoulders.

“Please.” He pleads with me and I cant help but allow this to happen.

“Fine.” I turn on my heels into the drawling room and have a seat on a chair. I chose a chair so I don't have to share a couch with him. All my feelings for him come rushing back. God, why is this so hard?

“I just wanted to tell you that I really care about you. An-”

“Don't lie to me Louis.” I interrupt him immediately. “I'm a big girl. I can handle the truth, you just need a distraction while you figured things out.” I shake my head. I can't believe I allowed myself to become a ploy.

“No, never. You don't understand Kate. I care about you, I care about Olivia. I really do. This is just so hard to explain.” He pauses and rubs his chin with his hand then his forehead. “It's just hard. I've been with Eleanor for four years now, I'm comfortable with her. I've never really been single since I was 16. She's been with me since like the beginning of One Direction. I'm afraid of change.” He admits.

“That's bullshit.” I almost laugh at him and he snaps his head in my direction. “You're afraid of the unknown. You're afraid to learn to be with yourself. You're afraid to come home to an empty house.” I accuse him.

“How would you know? You went from your parents house to Jame's house. You were never alone.” He spits back at me, I can tell he's getting worked up.

“I don't know. But I know I never hesitated to marry James. I loved him with all my heart. We were never afraid to get married. Ever. And how dare you question my relationships.” How can I like him so much then be pissed at him so quickly.

“This is just how my life will play out. I'll marry Eleanor, and be happy.”

“You sound like you're really trying to convince yourself.” I all but smirk and lean back.

“I'm convinced.”

“Good, then why are you still here?” I cross my arms. I know I've “won” this argument. He has no real reason to be here.

“I don't know. Okay? I don't know!” He stands up and pulls his shirt down pacing back and forth. He finally pauses and looks at me. “My attraction to you and our connection scares me. The last thing I would ever want to do is hurt you and Olivia. You two have been through enough. I would die if anything happened to you two, if I couldn't protect you two. It would literally kill me. I'm afraid that if I say goodbye to Eleanor, and if you'll let me be with you, I'll disappoint you. And I would live my whole life regretting putting you in any position that didn't make you happy.”

I'm speechless. I was not expecting that, I literally have nothing to say.

“Louis!” Olivia interrupts us by running into the room and all but leaping into Louis' waiting arms.

“Olivia!” He hugs her close and spins around with her. It breaks my heart. “I missed you!” She's laughing. A genuine laugh and I bite back my tears. This might be the last time she sees him and she has no idea.

“I missed you! You've gotten big! You're growing!Your hair is already growing too!” He tells her, I look closely and see tears in his eyes. This is what I didn't want. I turn my head to pretend to look outside, wiping the tears away from my eyes.

“Did mommy tell you? We're moving!” She's excited and I get the courage to look at Louis whose looking at me.

“No, she didn't.” He carefully sets Olivia down and turns to me for an explanation.

“Um, yeah. Later this week actually. Olivia got accepted to St. Jude hospital, so we're going right away.” I bite my lip to stop it from trembling. The look he's giving me is killing me.

“Well that's great!” He fakes enthusiasm.

“They're going to make me all better.” Olivia is so cheerful. I hope they make her all better.

“Where's grandma?” I ask her.

“She fell asleep.” Olivia tells me proudly. Apparently it's exciting to stay awake when grown ups fall asleep. My poor mom, she never adjusts to time zones quickly.

“Olivia, why don't you go get your nail polish and bring it down, we can paint your nails while Louis is here.” I suggest and her eyes light up. She's currently obsessed with polish and the smell of it made her sick when she was on chemo before so I kind of want to live it up as much as we can before she starts that again. Olivia races up the steps leaving Louis and I alone again.

“Where you ever going to tell me?” He asks looking down at the floor, shuffling his feet.

“It doesn't matter anyway Louis. You're going to live a happy life with Eleanor.” I remind him.

“It does matter! I would have liked to say goodbye.” He wipes his nose with his hand.

“Well, to be honest, Olivia is in love with you and I didn't want to keep dragging it out. We have to focus on Olivia and everything that comes with her treatment. This is it, if this doesn't work, we are out of options.” I tell him truthfully.

“Don't you think I wanted to know though? You two are my friends.”

“Well sometimes you don't get to say goodbye to people. Sometimes they just leave.” I spit out. That's what James did, he just left. I know it wasn't his choice but we never got to say goodbye.

“I'm no-” He starts.

“I got it!” Olivia comes bouncing down the steps and Louis and I stop talking. I refuse to hash this out in front of her.

Notes

So Kate and Olivia are leaving. This is obviously not the end of the story so we know they will meet again...but when is the question. Don't be mad at Kate, she's just doing the best she can for her child. Thoughts on Louis proposing to Eleanor? Louis will just have to figure it out.

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