Then you came along.
Look at me.
Marley’s POV.
As much as I needed my Mom, she wasn’t here so I called the closest thing I had to her. Jo.
“Hello love.” She answered the phone warmingly.
“Is there anyway I can come take a nap at your house?I need to get out of mine for a bit.” I asked her.
“Of course you can love. Everything alright?” she asked me.
“No, not really. I just need away from everyone for a bit.” I told her. I could have told her that everything was peachy and keen but she would have never believed me. I’m not a very good liar. “I’m going to call a cab, then I will be there!” I told her before hanging up.
I walked into the house from the front steps to a morbid feeling that took over our home.
“There you are, I was worried sick!” Louis’ words stopped me as I walked in and hung my jacket up.
“Yeah, I was on a run.” I told him before going upstairs.
“El and Harry are up there. I think Harry is having a mental breakdown with her in your room. Sorry, we didn’t know where you were. Well El and I didn’t at least.” He explained and ranted like he did.
“Peachy keen.” I told him before entering my room to see no one till I heard gagging noises from my bathroom. I walked anxiously and pushed the restroom door open to see Eleanor rubbing Harry’s back as he hovered over the toilet throwing up everything he had consumed last night. She looked up at me apologetically.
“I’m sorry. We were talking in here and it just hit him. He couldn’t make it to the other restroom.” She told me.
“It’s fine. How long as he been puking?” I asked her
“Since you left. So on and off for 2 hoursish. He can't really catch his breath at all.” She told me as Harry heaved for air. “He hasn’t calmed down at all. His inhaler is in his bag downstairs will you go get it?” She asked me as I started at a pale sweating Harry who didn’t even have the energy to hold his body up without Eleanor. I ran downstairs to his bag where I found a number of interesting things and promised myself I wouldn’t invade his privacy the way he invaded mine. I found the red inhaler in the side pocket and run back upstairs. I knew the amount of agony Harry was in because I have had many mornings where alcohol, my asthma, and my anxiety all mixed together and it was a horrible feeling.
“Here, take 2 puffs.” I told him as I knelt down next to him with my hand on his knee. Of course I cared about Harry, if I didn’t we would have never gotten in that massive fight the night before. He kept gagging and I needed to comfort him to calm his anxiety down. That was the only way to make sure he didn’t go into some cardiac arrest.
“Eleanor, flush the toilet and get me two wet warm towels. Him looking at and smelling his puke isn’t making this easier.” I demanded of her taking hold of the situation. “Harry, look at me. Look at me. I need you to breathe for me. Okay. Slow breaths..” I soothingly spoke to him like my Mom used to speak to me when I was a kid in the midst of an anxiety attack.
“Here MJ.” El said from the side of me handing me the warm towels. Before wiping his face with it I noticed his shirt was covered in his own up chunk. He needed to get out of the reminder of what he had done.
“Harry, look at me.” I put my hands on his dirty crusted face. “I’m going to take your shirt off, okay? It’s really dirty and we need to get you in a clean one. Okay. Can I do that for you?” I asked him with my other hand on his chest. I hated seeing him like this. So much.
I heard somewhere once that you’re not supposed to be aggressive with a person under an anxiety and asthma attack or do things without their consent because it triggers panic in them which makes it all worst.
“Harry, babe. You need to tell me if that’s okay.” I said to him once more. He looked up at me in tears and it’s like all I saw was a scared little boy, A little boy who was so sorry for his wrong doings. A little boy who knew he had fucked up. He looked up at me and shook his head and began to unbutton.
“No, you’re okay. I’ll do it. Okay? Just keep looking at me and listening to me. “ I asked of him. I took my hand to the third button from the collar and began to slowly unbutton his shirt. Harry still struggling to breathe was now sobbing which caused me to tear up. What had we done? What kind of mess were we? Once I got to the last button and pulled the shirt off of him I placed his hands on his head while he sat against the wall of my restroom. I took the warm towel and wiped the crustiness off of his face and the peak of his chest. I could feel the goose bumps rise on his skin and it made me even sadder.
After he calmed down a bit more I realized just how gross he was at this point. I also realized the forming bruise on his face from God knows what that I am sure made this whole situation much worst.
“Eleanor, will you start the shower for him please?” I half asked half told.
“MJ, he can’t even stand. How is he going to shower?” She asked me.
“I’m going to help him. Will you get the plastic chair from my room please? He needs to be clean. He isn’t going to rest well and fully calm down till he is.” I told her still holding a heaving Harry’s hand.
“Hey Styles. We are going to get in the shower, okay?” I half asked half told. He shook his head in agreement. “Now I can’t lift you up by myself. So, I am going to need you to gather whatever energy you have left and help me. Can you do that?” I asked him while El put the chair in the tub.
‘Yes” softly came from his mouth causing me to smile small.
“Marley, Louis and I are running late for a photoshoot. Do you have this?” she asked me. Damnit Eleanor.
“Yeah. I’m good. Good luck. “ I told her as she left the room.
With my arms around Harry’s waist and his right arm around my shoulder and the other grabbing the vanity counter we slowly stood up and then took a break. He leaned his back up against the wall before looking at me with his hands on his button of his pants, looking to me for approval.
‘That’s fine. Do you need help?” I asked him with sympathy.
“No.” he softly said. With his pants and boxers pulled down and off I helped him into the bath and then I stripped of my sweater, shoes, and socks leaving myself in my Nike shorts and sports bra. I climbed in the bathtub in front of him grabbing the showerhead turning the setting to soft. Harry was naked and I was half naked and it was in the most nonsexual way ever. This is not what I saw happening today at all. Seeing him like this made me wonder how often he was like this. Made me wonder how many times he had been alone when he had these panic attacks. And that made me cry.
“You can’t do this anymore Styles. It really hurts me seeing you like this.” I confessed to him while I ran the showerhead over his head running my fingers through his thick hair massaging his scalp. “Do you understand me? No more of this. It’s not healthy.” I told him while motioning to the puke stank bathroom we were enclosed in.
“I know. You’re right.” He barely said in between breaths. I washed the rest of his body off before jumping out of the tub and grabbing the towels El had left. I semi dried myself off before helping Harry out of the tub. When I looked back at him all I saw was him at his worst. Totally drained, eyes half open, totally exposed. I know he wasn’t pleased that I ended being the one taking care of him, I wouldn’t be either.
“C’mon. Let’s get you dry.” I told him as I stood him up from the chair. I wiped his entire body dry and helped him out of the tub while holding his hips.When he fully was out of the tub he grabbed me and wrapped me in his arms. Tears streaming down his face hitting my shoulder as his head was in the crease of my neck.
“I’m so sorry.” Is all he said.
“I know you are.” Is all I said.
After helping him get dressed in his sweats he climbed in my bed flat on his stomach and I sat next to him rubbing his back with my fingertips till he fell asleep. A quick buzz came from my phone.
JO: You coming still?
ME: Some stuff came up. Gotta hang out in town today. Not going to make it out there.
JO: Okay! Let me know if you need anything! <3
I sat next to a sleeping Harry and wrote in my journal about my confusion for this boy. I wrote about the experience I just had of bringing him back to normality from his panic mode.
Harry’s phone from the bedside table buzzed and it showed his 13 missed calls from his ‘MUM’ and 7 missed calls from ‘Gemma’, I’m sure they were worried sick about him. Then the iPhone screen lit up and it was ‘MUM’ calling. I couldn’t let it ring more and have her worried sick.
“Hello.” I answered.
“Harry. Are you alright?!” Anne said with urgency.
“This is Marley. Harry is okay.” I informed her.
“Marley, hello love. What happened?! He called me drunk this morning said he had ‘ruined everything’ and then El sent me this urgent text message about Harry’s panic attacks.” She told me.
“He is okay now, I promise. He’s puked and showered clean and is now passed out.” I told her.
“Did you do all those things?” she asked me.
“Yes maam. I get really bad anxiety attacks sometimes so I know how to deal with them.”
“Well thank you so much. They are practically impossible to get under control once he gets so far into them. I guess we were extremely lucky that you were there. Eleanor has no idea how to handle them and Louis, well you know.” She thanked me.
“Do you mind if I ask how long Harry has been having these kind of panic attacks?” I asked her.
“Since he was about 5, they stopped when he was 8 but when his Dad and I got divorced when he was 12 they came back. I think he’s maybe had 2 since he’s started in the band. Well, 3 now. “ she told me.
“But what started them?” I needed to know what was wrong with this boy.
“Well I have anxiety quite bad so he got it from me but when he was 5 he started getting really bad nightmares and it just really set the whole thing off for him.” She told me more about the scared little boy.
“Right, well he is passed out. I’m going to stay in today with him and make sure he’s okay. I will have him call you as soon as he gets up. “ I told her.
“Alrighty, thank you so much again Marley. Blessed to have you there with him.”She told me before hanging up the phone.
I looked back at the shirtless asshole in my bed who honestly had a special place in my heart. I was just hoping it wasn’t going to break my heart.
As much as I needed my Mom, she wasn’t here so I called the closest thing I had to her. Jo.
“Hello love.” She answered the phone warmingly.
“Is there anyway I can come take a nap at your house?I need to get out of mine for a bit.” I asked her.
“Of course you can love. Everything alright?” she asked me.
“No, not really. I just need away from everyone for a bit.” I told her. I could have told her that everything was peachy and keen but she would have never believed me. I’m not a very good liar. “I’m going to call a cab, then I will be there!” I told her before hanging up.
I walked into the house from the front steps to a morbid feeling that took over our home.
“There you are, I was worried sick!” Louis’ words stopped me as I walked in and hung my jacket up.
“Yeah, I was on a run.” I told him before going upstairs.
“El and Harry are up there. I think Harry is having a mental breakdown with her in your room. Sorry, we didn’t know where you were. Well El and I didn’t at least.” He explained and ranted like he did.
“Peachy keen.” I told him before entering my room to see no one till I heard gagging noises from my bathroom. I walked anxiously and pushed the restroom door open to see Eleanor rubbing Harry’s back as he hovered over the toilet throwing up everything he had consumed last night. She looked up at me apologetically.
“I’m sorry. We were talking in here and it just hit him. He couldn’t make it to the other restroom.” She told me.
“It’s fine. How long as he been puking?” I asked her
“Since you left. So on and off for 2 hoursish. He can't really catch his breath at all.” She told me as Harry heaved for air. “He hasn’t calmed down at all. His inhaler is in his bag downstairs will you go get it?” She asked me as I started at a pale sweating Harry who didn’t even have the energy to hold his body up without Eleanor. I ran downstairs to his bag where I found a number of interesting things and promised myself I wouldn’t invade his privacy the way he invaded mine. I found the red inhaler in the side pocket and run back upstairs. I knew the amount of agony Harry was in because I have had many mornings where alcohol, my asthma, and my anxiety all mixed together and it was a horrible feeling.
“Here, take 2 puffs.” I told him as I knelt down next to him with my hand on his knee. Of course I cared about Harry, if I didn’t we would have never gotten in that massive fight the night before. He kept gagging and I needed to comfort him to calm his anxiety down. That was the only way to make sure he didn’t go into some cardiac arrest.
“Eleanor, flush the toilet and get me two wet warm towels. Him looking at and smelling his puke isn’t making this easier.” I demanded of her taking hold of the situation. “Harry, look at me. Look at me. I need you to breathe for me. Okay. Slow breaths..” I soothingly spoke to him like my Mom used to speak to me when I was a kid in the midst of an anxiety attack.
“Here MJ.” El said from the side of me handing me the warm towels. Before wiping his face with it I noticed his shirt was covered in his own up chunk. He needed to get out of the reminder of what he had done.
“Harry, look at me.” I put my hands on his dirty crusted face. “I’m going to take your shirt off, okay? It’s really dirty and we need to get you in a clean one. Okay. Can I do that for you?” I asked him with my other hand on his chest. I hated seeing him like this. So much.
I heard somewhere once that you’re not supposed to be aggressive with a person under an anxiety and asthma attack or do things without their consent because it triggers panic in them which makes it all worst.
“Harry, babe. You need to tell me if that’s okay.” I said to him once more. He looked up at me in tears and it’s like all I saw was a scared little boy, A little boy who was so sorry for his wrong doings. A little boy who knew he had fucked up. He looked up at me and shook his head and began to unbutton.
“No, you’re okay. I’ll do it. Okay? Just keep looking at me and listening to me. “ I asked of him. I took my hand to the third button from the collar and began to slowly unbutton his shirt. Harry still struggling to breathe was now sobbing which caused me to tear up. What had we done? What kind of mess were we? Once I got to the last button and pulled the shirt off of him I placed his hands on his head while he sat against the wall of my restroom. I took the warm towel and wiped the crustiness off of his face and the peak of his chest. I could feel the goose bumps rise on his skin and it made me even sadder.
After he calmed down a bit more I realized just how gross he was at this point. I also realized the forming bruise on his face from God knows what that I am sure made this whole situation much worst.
“Eleanor, will you start the shower for him please?” I half asked half told.
“MJ, he can’t even stand. How is he going to shower?” She asked me.
“I’m going to help him. Will you get the plastic chair from my room please? He needs to be clean. He isn’t going to rest well and fully calm down till he is.” I told her still holding a heaving Harry’s hand.
“Hey Styles. We are going to get in the shower, okay?” I half asked half told. He shook his head in agreement. “Now I can’t lift you up by myself. So, I am going to need you to gather whatever energy you have left and help me. Can you do that?” I asked him while El put the chair in the tub.
‘Yes” softly came from his mouth causing me to smile small.
“Marley, Louis and I are running late for a photoshoot. Do you have this?” she asked me. Damnit Eleanor.
“Yeah. I’m good. Good luck. “ I told her as she left the room.
With my arms around Harry’s waist and his right arm around my shoulder and the other grabbing the vanity counter we slowly stood up and then took a break. He leaned his back up against the wall before looking at me with his hands on his button of his pants, looking to me for approval.
‘That’s fine. Do you need help?” I asked him with sympathy.
“No.” he softly said. With his pants and boxers pulled down and off I helped him into the bath and then I stripped of my sweater, shoes, and socks leaving myself in my Nike shorts and sports bra. I climbed in the bathtub in front of him grabbing the showerhead turning the setting to soft. Harry was naked and I was half naked and it was in the most nonsexual way ever. This is not what I saw happening today at all. Seeing him like this made me wonder how often he was like this. Made me wonder how many times he had been alone when he had these panic attacks. And that made me cry.
“You can’t do this anymore Styles. It really hurts me seeing you like this.” I confessed to him while I ran the showerhead over his head running my fingers through his thick hair massaging his scalp. “Do you understand me? No more of this. It’s not healthy.” I told him while motioning to the puke stank bathroom we were enclosed in.
“I know. You’re right.” He barely said in between breaths. I washed the rest of his body off before jumping out of the tub and grabbing the towels El had left. I semi dried myself off before helping Harry out of the tub. When I looked back at him all I saw was him at his worst. Totally drained, eyes half open, totally exposed. I know he wasn’t pleased that I ended being the one taking care of him, I wouldn’t be either.
“C’mon. Let’s get you dry.” I told him as I stood him up from the chair. I wiped his entire body dry and helped him out of the tub while holding his hips.When he fully was out of the tub he grabbed me and wrapped me in his arms. Tears streaming down his face hitting my shoulder as his head was in the crease of my neck.
“I’m so sorry.” Is all he said.
“I know you are.” Is all I said.
After helping him get dressed in his sweats he climbed in my bed flat on his stomach and I sat next to him rubbing his back with my fingertips till he fell asleep. A quick buzz came from my phone.
JO: You coming still?
ME: Some stuff came up. Gotta hang out in town today. Not going to make it out there.
JO: Okay! Let me know if you need anything! <3
I sat next to a sleeping Harry and wrote in my journal about my confusion for this boy. I wrote about the experience I just had of bringing him back to normality from his panic mode.
Harry’s phone from the bedside table buzzed and it showed his 13 missed calls from his ‘MUM’ and 7 missed calls from ‘Gemma’, I’m sure they were worried sick about him. Then the iPhone screen lit up and it was ‘MUM’ calling. I couldn’t let it ring more and have her worried sick.
“Hello.” I answered.
“Harry. Are you alright?!” Anne said with urgency.
“This is Marley. Harry is okay.” I informed her.
“Marley, hello love. What happened?! He called me drunk this morning said he had ‘ruined everything’ and then El sent me this urgent text message about Harry’s panic attacks.” She told me.
“He is okay now, I promise. He’s puked and showered clean and is now passed out.” I told her.
“Did you do all those things?” she asked me.
“Yes maam. I get really bad anxiety attacks sometimes so I know how to deal with them.”
“Well thank you so much. They are practically impossible to get under control once he gets so far into them. I guess we were extremely lucky that you were there. Eleanor has no idea how to handle them and Louis, well you know.” She thanked me.
“Do you mind if I ask how long Harry has been having these kind of panic attacks?” I asked her.
“Since he was about 5, they stopped when he was 8 but when his Dad and I got divorced when he was 12 they came back. I think he’s maybe had 2 since he’s started in the band. Well, 3 now. “ she told me.
“But what started them?” I needed to know what was wrong with this boy.
“Well I have anxiety quite bad so he got it from me but when he was 5 he started getting really bad nightmares and it just really set the whole thing off for him.” She told me more about the scared little boy.
“Right, well he is passed out. I’m going to stay in today with him and make sure he’s okay. I will have him call you as soon as he gets up. “ I told her.
“Alrighty, thank you so much again Marley. Blessed to have you there with him.”She told me before hanging up the phone.
I looked back at the shirtless asshole in my bed who honestly had a special place in my heart. I was just hoping it wasn’t going to break my heart.
Notes
I hope you guys genuinely enjoy this chapter.
What do you think of Harry like this? What do you think will happen next?
Thank you all for reading and being so responsive. <3
I am so sorry for your loss I know what it's like and I hon can say that with time it will get better. And the best way is to surround our self with friends, family and just talk about the wonderful memories you had with your father. It's what I did when my grandma passed away and when my grandfather passed away as well. Don forgot your have people that care for you and will listen when you need to talk. Never shut your self out because doing that will make it worse. So please take your time and if you ever need time to vent anything out I am here for you.
3/1/15