Then you came along.
Mile 11
Marley’s POV.
I sat in my room and it was 2:56AM and Harry still hadn’t come home. I was worried, very, very worried. I didn’t really know what to expect from him when he got home, if he ever came home that is. I was organizing my things in my closet and unpacking my suitcase finally. After throwing my duffle at the top of my closet an envelope slipped out of my bag with my name on it. Realizing that Sonny and Brad had given it to me before getting on the plane.
Marley,
We know this is a rather big move. We also know that life isn’t going to be easy and sometimes life isn’t kind the way we would like it to be. But you know that. You also know that I am pregnant and soon I will be having a baby; a baby who is going to have the best godmother/aunt/confident/bestfriend in the world; you. With that said I just wanted to tell you that I am having a girl and I am praying every night that she is just as beautiful as you are. Mom would be so proud of you and the life I know you will live once we both get out of this rut. You don’t realize this but the words you write, they are the most beautiful thing about you and you can’t ever stop writing. I miss you already and I am always here. Brad is always here. Soon enough,Jules Jay will be here also.I hope it’s okay, I’m giving her your middle name. I love you so much sister and you are going to do incredible amazing things in London. Please come visit soon.
-Sonny.
Attached to the letter was more spending money which I really didn’t need but put it in my savings box under my bed anyway. I missed my sister and knowing the sex of the baby now makes me feel like I’m missing out on more than I thought I would be. I wish she could be here, I wish she could meet El and Jo. I wish she could meet Harry. Everytime I talk to Sonny she is always on her way to some birthing class or buying baby Jules things.
My deep thoughts about my sister and her unborn baby were rudely interrupted by a loud door slam and footsteps running down the staircase.
A knock on the door.
“Come in.” I said.
“Hey, Harry is home. Louis went to go check it all out. If you’re lucky and get to see the show, just beware it might get pretty loud. “ Eleanor told me from my door.
“Where is she?! I WANT TO TALK TO HER.” A drunk Harry said from downstairs.
“Haz, it’s late. She’s resting and you need some sleep. You smell horrible.” Louis told him calmingly.
“Louis, I need to see MJ. I don’t care if it’s late. Wake her up. Or is Niall upstairs with her?” He said as he began to attempt the stairs.
“You know, Louis isn’t going to be able to keep him down there forever. Are you going to want to talk to him or not?” El asked me from the doorway looking out of the small crack peeking down on what was happening.
“What do you think?” I asked her.
“Honestly I think you owe it to him and I don’t think he is going to give up till he talks to you. But I’ve also never seen Harry this drunk…ever.” El informed me.
“That slut, he is up there with her, ISNT HE?! That’s why you’re keeping her from me! Louis, you can’t keep her from me. NEITHER CAN YOU ELEANOR, I know you’re up there hiding out with those assholes.” He said towards my room.
“That’s enough. I can’t take this shit anymore.” I said from my floor before getting up and pushing past Eleanor in my doorway. I stomped out to the staircase where I was now in eye view with him.
“What the hell do you want? And can you stop fuckin screaming?!” I yelled to him from the top of the stairs. He looked at me shocked that at this point I was standing up for myself.
“I KNOW NIALL IS UP THERE WITH YOU!!” he yelled back at me.
“And if he is?” which he totally wasn’t.
“Then what we had is done. He’s a piece of shit anyway. You two deserve each other!” he yelled at me again.
“At lease he isn’t a nosey prick who can’t take a hint.” I said under my breath hoping he didn’t hear me as I turned away.
“AT LEAST I’M NOT AN EMOTIONALLY DAMAGED VIRGIN WHO WAS MOLESTED BY HER FATHER.” He screamed at me.
Then the room fell silent.
My secret that I had kept from the world for years. The secret that made me want to kill myself for so long. It was out. And I hated him for it.
“Niall isn’t even here. But I’m glad you got that out of your system. “ I told him as I noticed El and Louis’ facial expressions.
Harry’s head fell.
“fuck marley..” he started.
“No. Go fuck yourself.” I told him with tears threatening to spill out of my eyes before walking to my room and slamming my door. I hated him.
I hated myself.
Harry’s POV.
Why the hell is Niall actually upstairs with her. Doesn’t she understand how fucked up that is.
“At lease he isn’t a nosey prick who can’t take a hint.” She told me not realizing her words were louder than intended.
Then word vomit everywhere.
“AT LEAST I’M NOT AN EMOTIONALLY DAMAGED VIRGIN WHO WAS MOLESTED BY HER FATHER.”I screamed at her.
FUCK. What have I done? Her whole emotion changed. I was the only person she had ever talked about that to, she trusted me. I fucking blew it.
“Niall isn’t even here, but I’m glad you got that out of your system.” She told me while her eyes watered and her voice cracked.
“fuck marley…”I started.
“No. Go fuck yourself.” She looked me dead on before walking to her room and slamming the door on me. I fell to the ground.
“Harry, what the fuck are you talking about?” Louis asked me.
“It’s exactly what it sounded like.” I told him.
I looked up to see El more disappointed with me than I had ever seen her. She walked towards me.
“Any chance you had with her, you just fucking blew.” She said to me knelt down at my level. Then she slapped me harder than I had ever been slapped in my life.
“El, help me. Please.” I begged of her. I just needed her to tell me it was all going to be okay, like she always did.
“I can’t Harry, I have someone else to worry about other than you now.” She said as she got up and headed upstairs to Marley’s room.
“Louis, I care about that girl more than you will ever know. She is the strongest person I have ever met. What have I done?” I asked him while he sat next to me
“You my friend have royally fucked up.” Louis said. All I wanted to do was go upstairs to that room but even I knew that would be wrong of me.
Marley’s POV.
I was on the floor laying flat hoping I would sink into the floorboard and disappear.I wanted to die, I wanted to shrink and hide.
“Marley..” Eleanor spoke as she walked into the room.
I said nothing.She lay right next to me on the floor.
“I love you,” she told me as she grabbed my hand as I stared up at the ceiling.
“I love you too.” I told her as we laid in silence.
I don’t know why I was so hurt. I mean everything Harry said was true.
Emotionally Damaged:True
Virgin:True
Molested by her Father:True
I woke up with a back cramp and Eleanor’s body thrown around me on the hardwood floor at 5:42AM. 2 hours of sleep was nowhere near enough but was all I was going to get.
I uncurled El from me and got up and put my running stuff on. If I could run to Mexico after last night. I would.
I went downstairs for a granola bar and was taken back by a passed out Louis on top of a still awake Harry. He looked at me and agony and nausea overtook my body.
“Marley we need to talk.” He said as he stood up throwing Louis’ body off of him.
“What ever about Styles?” I asked him.
“About last night…”He drug on his words.
“Want to know what I think? If you really do, I mean you can always go upstairs and read my journal like you do and then you can FUCKING TELL PEOPLE ABOUT IT. Better yet I will just tell you what it says because face it your probably still too drunk to walk all the way upstairs. It said ‘Harry doesn’t hit me or hurt me physically. But he might as well have just stabbed me in my heart. I’m sure it wouldn’t of hurt nearly as bad as it does now.’ That’s what it says. And you know what, inviting Niall to dinner was out of line and I’m sorry for it. But it was not deserving of the punishment you gave me.”I yelled at him in tears as I pushed him against the fridge door.
“I hate myself for it MJ, I’m so so so sorry. I care about you so much.” He confessed tears now in his green eyes.
“Yeah, well I guess actions speak louder than words.” I told him before exiting the house into the cold London air. And I ran and I was determined to run till my legs fell off.
The worst part of all of this is that no matter how hurt I was, I wanted to forgive him. I wanted to hold him in my arms when I pushed him against the fridge. I wanted to kiss him when I was yelling at him. This all felt so confusing and I didn’t understand what he was doing to me.I cared about him so much. I wanted him so much. But you don’t hurt people like that, especially people you care about.
Mile 5 was different. It wasn’t anger anymore. It was pain. Pain that I had in my life for as long as I can remember. Pain that was once numb but I can feel every ounce of it today.When I was 16 I had thought long and hard about committing suicide, but then I came to the conclusion that honestly I wasn’t willing to put the people I cared about through the same amount of pain that I went through everyday. I was fucked up. I was emotionally damaged and it just took the right person to see that.
Mile 7 I was running with my Mom. I mean not literally but I could feel her spirit. Guiding me, telling me which turn to take every time. On mile 11 I ended up on top of a hill that showed me almost all of London. That reminded me why I came here. Not for a boy but for myself.For my book and that was what I was going to try and focus on. Me.
I sat in my room and it was 2:56AM and Harry still hadn’t come home. I was worried, very, very worried. I didn’t really know what to expect from him when he got home, if he ever came home that is. I was organizing my things in my closet and unpacking my suitcase finally. After throwing my duffle at the top of my closet an envelope slipped out of my bag with my name on it. Realizing that Sonny and Brad had given it to me before getting on the plane.
Marley,
We know this is a rather big move. We also know that life isn’t going to be easy and sometimes life isn’t kind the way we would like it to be. But you know that. You also know that I am pregnant and soon I will be having a baby; a baby who is going to have the best godmother/aunt/confident/bestfriend in the world; you. With that said I just wanted to tell you that I am having a girl and I am praying every night that she is just as beautiful as you are. Mom would be so proud of you and the life I know you will live once we both get out of this rut. You don’t realize this but the words you write, they are the most beautiful thing about you and you can’t ever stop writing. I miss you already and I am always here. Brad is always here. Soon enough,Jules Jay will be here also.I hope it’s okay, I’m giving her your middle name. I love you so much sister and you are going to do incredible amazing things in London. Please come visit soon.
-Sonny.
Attached to the letter was more spending money which I really didn’t need but put it in my savings box under my bed anyway. I missed my sister and knowing the sex of the baby now makes me feel like I’m missing out on more than I thought I would be. I wish she could be here, I wish she could meet El and Jo. I wish she could meet Harry. Everytime I talk to Sonny she is always on her way to some birthing class or buying baby Jules things.
My deep thoughts about my sister and her unborn baby were rudely interrupted by a loud door slam and footsteps running down the staircase.
A knock on the door.
“Come in.” I said.
“Hey, Harry is home. Louis went to go check it all out. If you’re lucky and get to see the show, just beware it might get pretty loud. “ Eleanor told me from my door.
“Where is she?! I WANT TO TALK TO HER.” A drunk Harry said from downstairs.
“Haz, it’s late. She’s resting and you need some sleep. You smell horrible.” Louis told him calmingly.
“Louis, I need to see MJ. I don’t care if it’s late. Wake her up. Or is Niall upstairs with her?” He said as he began to attempt the stairs.
“You know, Louis isn’t going to be able to keep him down there forever. Are you going to want to talk to him or not?” El asked me from the doorway looking out of the small crack peeking down on what was happening.
“What do you think?” I asked her.
“Honestly I think you owe it to him and I don’t think he is going to give up till he talks to you. But I’ve also never seen Harry this drunk…ever.” El informed me.
“That slut, he is up there with her, ISNT HE?! That’s why you’re keeping her from me! Louis, you can’t keep her from me. NEITHER CAN YOU ELEANOR, I know you’re up there hiding out with those assholes.” He said towards my room.
“That’s enough. I can’t take this shit anymore.” I said from my floor before getting up and pushing past Eleanor in my doorway. I stomped out to the staircase where I was now in eye view with him.
“What the hell do you want? And can you stop fuckin screaming?!” I yelled to him from the top of the stairs. He looked at me shocked that at this point I was standing up for myself.
“I KNOW NIALL IS UP THERE WITH YOU!!” he yelled back at me.
“And if he is?” which he totally wasn’t.
“Then what we had is done. He’s a piece of shit anyway. You two deserve each other!” he yelled at me again.
“At lease he isn’t a nosey prick who can’t take a hint.” I said under my breath hoping he didn’t hear me as I turned away.
“AT LEAST I’M NOT AN EMOTIONALLY DAMAGED VIRGIN WHO WAS MOLESTED BY HER FATHER.” He screamed at me.
Then the room fell silent.
My secret that I had kept from the world for years. The secret that made me want to kill myself for so long. It was out. And I hated him for it.
“Niall isn’t even here. But I’m glad you got that out of your system. “ I told him as I noticed El and Louis’ facial expressions.
Harry’s head fell.
“fuck marley..” he started.
“No. Go fuck yourself.” I told him with tears threatening to spill out of my eyes before walking to my room and slamming my door. I hated him.
I hated myself.
Harry’s POV.
Why the hell is Niall actually upstairs with her. Doesn’t she understand how fucked up that is.
“At lease he isn’t a nosey prick who can’t take a hint.” She told me not realizing her words were louder than intended.
Then word vomit everywhere.
“AT LEAST I’M NOT AN EMOTIONALLY DAMAGED VIRGIN WHO WAS MOLESTED BY HER FATHER.”I screamed at her.
FUCK. What have I done? Her whole emotion changed. I was the only person she had ever talked about that to, she trusted me. I fucking blew it.
“Niall isn’t even here, but I’m glad you got that out of your system.” She told me while her eyes watered and her voice cracked.
“fuck marley…”I started.
“No. Go fuck yourself.” She looked me dead on before walking to her room and slamming the door on me. I fell to the ground.
“Harry, what the fuck are you talking about?” Louis asked me.
“It’s exactly what it sounded like.” I told him.
I looked up to see El more disappointed with me than I had ever seen her. She walked towards me.
“Any chance you had with her, you just fucking blew.” She said to me knelt down at my level. Then she slapped me harder than I had ever been slapped in my life.
“El, help me. Please.” I begged of her. I just needed her to tell me it was all going to be okay, like she always did.
“I can’t Harry, I have someone else to worry about other than you now.” She said as she got up and headed upstairs to Marley’s room.
“Louis, I care about that girl more than you will ever know. She is the strongest person I have ever met. What have I done?” I asked him while he sat next to me
“You my friend have royally fucked up.” Louis said. All I wanted to do was go upstairs to that room but even I knew that would be wrong of me.
Marley’s POV.
I was on the floor laying flat hoping I would sink into the floorboard and disappear.I wanted to die, I wanted to shrink and hide.
“Marley..” Eleanor spoke as she walked into the room.
I said nothing.She lay right next to me on the floor.
“I love you,” she told me as she grabbed my hand as I stared up at the ceiling.
“I love you too.” I told her as we laid in silence.
I don’t know why I was so hurt. I mean everything Harry said was true.
Emotionally Damaged:True
Virgin:True
Molested by her Father:True
I woke up with a back cramp and Eleanor’s body thrown around me on the hardwood floor at 5:42AM. 2 hours of sleep was nowhere near enough but was all I was going to get.
I uncurled El from me and got up and put my running stuff on. If I could run to Mexico after last night. I would.
I went downstairs for a granola bar and was taken back by a passed out Louis on top of a still awake Harry. He looked at me and agony and nausea overtook my body.
“Marley we need to talk.” He said as he stood up throwing Louis’ body off of him.
“What ever about Styles?” I asked him.
“About last night…”He drug on his words.
“Want to know what I think? If you really do, I mean you can always go upstairs and read my journal like you do and then you can FUCKING TELL PEOPLE ABOUT IT. Better yet I will just tell you what it says because face it your probably still too drunk to walk all the way upstairs. It said ‘Harry doesn’t hit me or hurt me physically. But he might as well have just stabbed me in my heart. I’m sure it wouldn’t of hurt nearly as bad as it does now.’ That’s what it says. And you know what, inviting Niall to dinner was out of line and I’m sorry for it. But it was not deserving of the punishment you gave me.”I yelled at him in tears as I pushed him against the fridge door.
“I hate myself for it MJ, I’m so so so sorry. I care about you so much.” He confessed tears now in his green eyes.
“Yeah, well I guess actions speak louder than words.” I told him before exiting the house into the cold London air. And I ran and I was determined to run till my legs fell off.
The worst part of all of this is that no matter how hurt I was, I wanted to forgive him. I wanted to hold him in my arms when I pushed him against the fridge. I wanted to kiss him when I was yelling at him. This all felt so confusing and I didn’t understand what he was doing to me.I cared about him so much. I wanted him so much. But you don’t hurt people like that, especially people you care about.
Mile 5 was different. It wasn’t anger anymore. It was pain. Pain that I had in my life for as long as I can remember. Pain that was once numb but I can feel every ounce of it today.When I was 16 I had thought long and hard about committing suicide, but then I came to the conclusion that honestly I wasn’t willing to put the people I cared about through the same amount of pain that I went through everyday. I was fucked up. I was emotionally damaged and it just took the right person to see that.
Mile 7 I was running with my Mom. I mean not literally but I could feel her spirit. Guiding me, telling me which turn to take every time. On mile 11 I ended up on top of a hill that showed me almost all of London. That reminded me why I came here. Not for a boy but for myself.For my book and that was what I was going to try and focus on. Me.
Notes
Suicide and other serious subjects are no joke at all. If you or anyone you know are having problems or having thoughts of attempting or committing suicide please tell someone you love and trust and let them help you. You are beautiful, you are loved and you are more than you know. I have attempted suicide, I was 15 and I am so strong now. Writing saved me. Not just writing her but everywhere. Writing and photography. I hope you all have someone you can talk to if you don't you have me.
Praying for all you beautiful souls.
xoxo. -A
I am so sorry for your loss I know what it's like and I hon can say that with time it will get better. And the best way is to surround our self with friends, family and just talk about the wonderful memories you had with your father. It's what I did when my grandma passed away and when my grandfather passed away as well. Don forgot your have people that care for you and will listen when you need to talk. Never shut your self out because doing that will make it worse. So please take your time and if you ever need time to vent anything out I am here for you.
3/1/15