18o Days Of Life & Death

January 29th – Day 13
I put the manila pages that caught his medical history on the kitchen table and beside them I put a cup of tea, it was early morning when I decide I had enough of sleeping last night I had the best sleep night ever thank all to Harry, my body shivered cold It was the end of December I put an extra jumper on my pajamas for more warm.
I can say my tiredness situation was going bad, so Holydays came in the best time I just in the time I needed.
Liam walked toward me saying:' morning Louie' I looked at him with my glasses on as I said:' morning Liam' he asked as he walked to the cabinet brining a box of cereals from the upper shelf as he said:' had breakfast?' I said looking back to Harry's file:' I'm good' he bring himself a bowl and add some milk to it as he said conversationally:' new patient?'
I looked at his file trying to sound professional:' meet him week ago' I start reading avoiding any reaction that may I get over talking about Harry… there was picture for him, his name, his age and the whole medical history, Liam said tossed a spoonful of cereals as he said:' the midnight caller?' I nodded remembering his voice… the fuzzy and warm voice that stuck in my mind ' the same' he get closer to my side as he said:' nice boy though, don't you think so?'.
I pulled the file towards my chest saying:' patient confidentiality, Liam' he smiled saying:' he look beautiful, right?' I said:' don't you have any cats to bring them down tress?' Liam said laughing:' Nupe, but don't worry I'll let the house for you as I'll go see Danielle' I looked back to the file when I said:' sure, be saving then and let me finish my job, and don't tell Danielle my hello' he said:' you know I'll be, and of course your hallo, Lou' he winked tossed his bowl in the sink as he said:' see you later' I smiled watching him leaving I think I just let my mind put myself in his place…getting ready to mate my date…(sighed) the most beautiful feel to feel having someone you feel comfortable with just as you feel it with yourself the feel… this weird feel, feeling in love.
'Bye, Liam' I looked back to the file I flipped the second page I scanned the paper for anything usual in his file… when my eyes caught two words made my heart slow to be nearly stopped… Attempted Suicide!
The words blur I tried to carry myself as I walked to walk to the bathroom… I'm not sure if that the flu or the shock from what I had read…I tossed my head under the cold water that made my breath raced and my heart beat faster that most I needed to handle it…
I continue reading as my hair wetted my clothes with the water drops, Overdose, cuts…History of self harm…
11th December… it was before a week since I met him; my face was wetted by the water Oh Harry! ... What would you do this to yourself?
December 31st – Day 15
I was over thinking about him… I couldn't stop doing this… I know I shouldn't do this anyway but I will be honest I didn't want to stop thinking but really I didn't know why my head force me to keep thinking about him that way, I knew I enjoy the feeling but I know those feeling is never ends well… feeling like this always drive me to the dangerous side from my job when I care damn too much there's a reason why I'm incapable in what I'm doing it just ended up with me hurt and need to recovery.
I felt relief as I opened his room's door… just as I left him sitting the same way looking to the window with his warming blanket pulled up to his waist phone in the hand as if he waiting someone to call or message…eyes glued to window as the paradise outside I said:' I start thinking you would like to go out' he said:' it's cold outside' I smiled friendly he didn't even look at me.
I wasn't feeling the same now… I looked at him wondering if he possibly be the same boy who called me late night…with those breathes I fall sleep to…but some where there's a shadows belong to this broken boy with soft slow voice…but he had his walls up now so he was hiding away' doing well then?'
'Bit headachey; he replied as his phone buzzed… he looked to it.
I moved from the doorway, as I looked around making a picture of how it would be living in Harry's room look like…his phone charger was plugged into an extension cord by his bed which let the wire go on the floor to an outlet.
His closet had few pants and jackets hanging up in a row I can see how he liked things organized… and somehow he had no so colorful clothes…black, white and grey just between those three &two pair of shoes on the floor.
The table beside him had mug, orange notebook… I wonder if those were his diaries pens in plastic cup and frame of him and someone else she was a girl with beautiful smile on their faces, he looked happy:' Who is she?' he looked at me saying:' hmm?' I said signing:' the frame' he looked at it then back his attention his phone:' friend'I knelt looking to their bright faces she was beautiful black haired girl in almost his age, Harry was putting one arm around her waist as she looked at him pointing to something outta the frame, I said:' your school mate?' he looked back at me when he said:' close friend' he paused before he said unsure:' mum thought it would be nice to have her photo to feel better'.
'Does she help?' I asked taking my usual seat next to his bed, when he finished what he was writing on his phone then said:' not really'.
I was surprised from all the pain he got in his answer' Why not?'
He finally gave me full attention his green eyes gave me a look of shocking and asking, framed by dark lashes that sent shadows into the dark hollows under his eyes he looked tired… beautiful but so tired as if he didn't slept for weeks and he felt as if he didn't too, he said:' because I'm dying' he said this as if I should knew it as if it should be obvious to me.
He looked at the window trying to swallow his sadness even when he was the one who said that it seems sadder than usual…and it always is sadder than usual every time he has to be the one to remind him he's not okay…and he's simply dying.
'You really need to change this… you need to get outta of this room' he just look at me questioning I wasn't asking I was going to take him out of here… being sitting in this room made him sadder as if wasn't just going to die but as if he has to wait the death himself and not to forget it's coming thank all to this place he been staying in.
'Maybe tomorrow' he said as if this answer would make me leave him alone, but I can't accept this answer there was no way I'm going to let him stay here for more minutes his answer wasn't enough to placate me from taking him out.
'Pile up more tomorrows and you gonna end up with empty yesterdays… and instead of looking to outside why we don't just be out there? What might be stopping you from being there?' he said:' what we are going to do outside?' I said:' we can spend this meeting at asking overly personal questions or just walk out for clean air… free you know'.
He looked at me realizing in this situation I was right… he want to the change to try the difference, he said:' are you always trying to push the people to do what you want?' I said:' isn't everybody trying to?' he said:' I think I hate this part about you' he slides outta of his bed as he tried to stand up on his unsteady legs I wanted to help him but I knew he would hate it… he still try to keep walls.
I can see his body was skinny but his shoulders were keeping on his muscular frame yet.
'That Only one thing?' I asked standing and zipped my jacket for warm.
He gave me a glimpse as he beautiful smile played on his lips as he said:' only this one thing' I smiled as he said motion toward the door:' would close the door I'm trying to change here!'
'You don't really need to change, they look good on you…and it's only walk' I said as he took an outfit outta of the suitcase underneath his own bed as he looked at me seriously when I said:' you would look beautiful in anything' his eyes widen as he said:' you have no idea how many days I've been wearing those'
I cracked a smile saying:' I'm so sure I don't want to know'
He made a swirling motion with his fingers. 'Turn around. The clothes are coming off.'
For a moment my body didn't want to move but luckily my brain took over control as remind me that creeping on patients –even the cute one with lovely green angelic eyes- not something good to therapist to do.
I turned distracting myself looking into my bag, I still have the fault in our stars in my bag'
'How do I look, on scale 1to10?' he asked as he gave me a full turn.
'Maybe 8.9' I answered with a grin on my face, he wore a Ramones black t-shirt that hung loosely on his body and a pair of tight blue jeans that hugged the long line of his long line of his legs, my 8.9 was nothing compare to what he's really look he looked like a model for an expensive cologne even with the dark lines under his eyes and his missy wavy hair he looked beautiful, some of sort I felt something in beautiful broken things make it even more beautiful and that was him.
'hmm, that was beatific… but thank you' I said:' I laid I give you 10' he looked at me and said:' really thank you but I'm stratified with 8.9' I said:' no really 10 are fair' he said:' okay you scaled' he wetted his lips looking around he put his phone in his coat, them put his hair a side… I'm getting lost here!
He winked to me as he said:' what like what you see, Louie?' I laughed as I said:' getting cheeky aren't we?' he walked toward the door.
'Its part of my charm' he didn't lost the wall he had earlier but there was warmth in him something he didn't let me feel it but he was ready to show it now a bit… just a bit maybe he wasn't so hard to crack after all, I said maybe.
Smuggling him out of the hospital turned out to be a pretty easy task... It didn’t take more than a soft smile of mine and some words about how the pretty receptionist was it was enough to replace her suspicious glare with a blush, I didn't even had to use my other weapons not the look or the touch… I just have to save those for the next time.
He looked to the sky and I kept trying to pull him away from the cars side, as if it was his first, heavy with premonitions of snow and I worried briefly about my trip home. Hopefully we’d avoid any major snowstorms until I was safely backed in my apartment.
'Where are we heading?' he asked looking at me.
'Depends on if you like cup of coffee and cupcakes?' leading him away from the cars who slowed for the traffic jam.
'You are not seriously meant anything behind this question, do you?' he stopped walking taking his hand away from mine looking at me waiting for answer to come along after his question.
I let soft laugh out of as I said: 'I was just make sure you would love the place we heading' I slipped my hands into my pockets as chilly wind whipped moving my hair a side and chilling my nose a bit.
Smile cracking his face with a tiny upward tilt of his soft lips that warmed me up softly but with feel of long inhaled…effected!
He put his collar around his chin for warmth as his hand shoved deep in his pockets as if he could physically fight the coldness, his face was pink and his breath wreathed his features like smoke in the air, his hair moved a bit with his shiver as he said:' I forgot what the winter smelled and feel like' he had a lungful of air into his chest.
'You don't really get out that much, Do you?' I asked tried to sound as it normal question to avoid the stab of remind him of the sadness I tired to get him out from, when I realized touching his words again… this is gonna be his last winter… last time he would be standing under snow in 31st December, last time he would be able to live the same day next year.
'No' he said trying to sound normal curling up to himself… and I felt a little bit regretted to ask him this, we walked in silence for two or three blocks… all the things I might be say had gone and he didn't mind share silence with me any way.
I pointed to the small bakeshop as I said:' we are here' I took his arm as I pushed the door when small bell by the door rang… the place was warm and so comfy the warmth took the coldness chill away, it was one of my favorite quit places.
Harry's eyes widened as he look around the small tables, the jazz paints here and there, the windows were decorated with the curtains, the dim light mixed with the winter day make it so comfortable and the beautiful music the played smoothly in the air with the low conversation the customer have here that wasn't so clear even with the cloth everywhere was make the noise as less as it possible made it all perfect for the weather, I sign to Danielle at the counter he creamy dress made her look so nice as she walked toward us saying:' hey, Louie!'.
'Hey Danny' Harry tagged behind me when I looked at him saying:' Harry…this Danielle, remember Danielle?'
He smiled warmly to her as he shacked her hand saying:' Liam's Danielle?' she smiled in surprised the he recognized her.
I tried to act as no impressed by his much attention but no way I had to can't fight it, I said:' the same Danielle'.
Danielle in other hand was impressed too as she looked at me saying:' you told him about me, Louie?'
'Only few nice things' I assured her, unzipping my coat as the warmth of the shop crept to my body and into my bones' so what's fresh?'
She said:' I had chocolate cupcake before minute I think it's delicious one you gotta taste it' I looked at Harry saying:' like chocolate?'he nodded me said:' we okay with that' she said:' wanna a drink?' I said:' tea the usual way. You Harry?' he said:' the same' I was stuck for his low husky quality of his beautiful voice, I didn't realize how much did I miss.
'Have the table you want I'll be right back, okay?' he nodded; he moved toward the window in the corner of the shop near to the jazz paint… he sit there watching me.
I followed Danielle as if he becomes outta of his ear shot she said:' oh my god Louis… he's so cute… your children gonna be the cutest things ever walked on the earth Oh MY GOD!!!'
I raised an eyebrow surprised of her reaction of meeting Harry then fixed her with a LOOK saying:' First. Guess what? I'm his therapist so you can get the medical impossibility, second. Guess again we are not dating he's a patient and outta of all of all of this he wouldn't date a boy… at least for what I know'
Her face fell for a while then said in back up:' but you like him, don't you?'
'Of course I like him Danielle he is my patient there's no reason I won't' I tried to keep my voice low as she prepared our drinks as I continue:' we are not together so let the idea leave your head please'.
'So, he's straight?' she asked looking at me, when I thought a bit:' I donnu' I paused then said:' and even if he's not he wouldn't date me I mean I'm not a gay so don't miss up things Danielle' I said in serious tone.
She looked at him then said: I don't really care about what he is? What I'm sure about is…this boy kinda of like you I mean he stuck to you as if you his protective body when you entered this place, his eyes glued on you as if you his life, this looks can't be normal… and god Louis he look so cute…he moving his hair God Louis it curly hair he can't get any cuter, you gotta have a chance with him'
I flicked my eyes back over to Harry, who was busy looking to the Jazz paint as he tried to see if there's any sign for me back. She was right, he was cute, very, incredibly unfairly cute. He was also someone I was supposed to help through their time of need, not have a crush on them. It would be completely inappropriate and it also can end up with both of us hurt. 'It wouldn’t be professional.'
'Give it a chance Louie… you look good together' I looked to my feet when she said rubbing my arm:' you need to be with someone too… you don't have to be lonely 'cause of what you are Louis' she smiled as she joked:' I still think you kids gonna be the most cute thing ever walked on the earth' she tossed me the tray when I took it carefully:' you and me Danielle no longer friends don't you ever talk to me again'
'I love you too Boo Bear!!' she said giggling at me, this girl know how exactly how to make me sad and how to turn it back all to the comedy sea that's why I want her and Liam married someday.
I looked at Harry who took one of tea cup as he smiled saying:' Boo Bear?' he took a sip of his own drink trying not to laugh on my nickname.
I cringed though, if I was honest, the nickname did amuse me. 'Liam heard my mum call me that once. Still haven’t managed to live it down.'
He took another sip from his drink; he looked at me into the eye as he smiled:' it's cute'.
You're Cute.
I frozen as I processed the new thought that just landed in my head… my poor head Oh God!!I'm killing Danielle for what she did to my brain.
'Are you okay?' he said questioning, when I said:' yea' it was clear, I looked missy 'cause of Danielle's stupid ideas… she's dead.
Harry smiled as he grabbed one of the cupcakes he scraped a bit with his forefinger, licking it off, he didn't look at me as he said:' Louis?'
'Yes, Harry?'
'You read my file, don't you?' it wasn't a question for me of course I would stayed on all of those pages 'till I finished them all, what caught me the sad expression that his voice had, that mixed of guilty? I guess.
'Yea, you told me to do it and I did' I said kind of regretted 'cause somehow what I done was reason for this expression now, and this look silly as if this part of my job.
'It’s probably best that you know.' He sighed, and I noticed the way he rested his left arm on the table underside down like it was a habit. I reached out, resting my forefinger and thumb on his wrist, silently asking his permission.
He had frozen gazing my finger motion, holding perfectly still. I hold his arm in my hand I lift his sleeve up there was still banded ones, my eyes caught the red scares on his arm there were seven I let my fingertips touching them slowly I felt my heart ache and my breath become deeper and slower the cuts were deep and neat he was serious about it, it wasn't just bad habit of cutting… he wanted to finish his life.
I let my fingers run over them I felt him shivering at my touches and for a moment I wondered if I gone too far, but he didn't take his arm away merely letting his eyes flutter shut and clenching his hand into fist.
'Why did you do that to yourself?' I asked softly, feeling strange feel for a moment as if there's sometime between the arriving and sitting that take much as we know, this sitting end us up in our little world.
'Because I was tired of feeling the same feel over and over again, it ended up with me feeling nothing and…' he sighed wiping a tear away as he said:' I couldn't deal with losing feels 'cause with out them I was lost… that the whole medication can help me to get my feel back'.
'Does it help?' I knew the answer before he tells but it was part of the road to make him realize what he's missing.
'No'.
'But you thought killing yourself would help you to get them back, right?' I asked as I put my arms toward him to let him know I want him to converse me more 'cause we finally got somewhere… it's tuff but it's important.
'No' he paused, as he glanced at the table and slid his arm away from my hand down his sleeve, it was his body defensing himself from me, he curled up a little he wanted to avoid me, but in the same time he wanted to finish this, he wants to fill me everything I had to know… and he wanted me to know.
'Then why you did this?' as a part of my work I dealt with so many different suicide in different forms and I would say whatever the reasons they had it was only silly ideas… nobody seemed to fit to be suicide whatever the reasons he had and Harry Styles was no exception.
He seemed trying to find the right way to say the answer for my question the one that would maybe make it sense for me, he took long sip of his tea then said:' I died year ago. It was only depend on catching my body up for the longest time it could'.
'You're not dead Harry, you have chance to make new bright life you lucky to have six months to live so why you just want spend them dying 'till it really happen?' I realized I was holding his shoulders shaking him hoping he would see what he choose to miss… the fate he choice for months ago now.
'But I'm dying this is can't be ignorable' he replied tears slid down his face.
'So am I' I hissed back.
'But that's different' he replied and I can feel the broke in his voice that he tried to make sound strong but he failed.
'No, it's not different, Harry… you know I can walk out of this door and I would be crashed by car, I could slip on the ice outside breaking my skull, I could just get heart attack even when I'm not having any heart troubles but human dies a lot with it with out any previous alter these days for God's sake Harry It doesn't mean I would waste entire life 'cause one day my time will be up all and I'm going to die… do you understand what I'm trying to tell you, Harry? Look you can't think about life as only life with out any death and you can't think about death as its only death without any life… they complete each other so you can punish the entirely to give you death young… Harry there's beautiful things we wouldn't be able to feel if it didn't up with us dead'.
He looked at me' like what?' he asked softly.
'Like friends you make, love you got and many it wouldn't mean anything if we stayed immoral that what make our life a life that what make it beautiful and choose to deal with the death part forgetting why the death is existing for, you have to feel it live a real life with it dealing with the reality its coming'.
'But I can't' he said softly filled with such sadness and somehow guilty maybe he was really broken beyond the fragile repair 'I'm falling Louis, I've been falling for so long time I'm afraid that I for got how to stop to even to slow the fall anymore'.
'Even if you fall Harry the only different between fall and fly is the way you land on the end' I said feeling those words I had read before something I thought about over and over again, I said softly:' you can say my job is to be your wings in this fall' I felt what my words meant I was nearly promising again… for a reason I would do whatever for him just to save him in the end even if took my entirely.
'Okay' he said leaning back to the seat as he looked to snow falling as he said not giving me a glance:' I'm sorry' I sipped my drink not saying a word when I realized what just he said.
'Sorry for what?' he looked into my eyes:' to be such hard to be fixed' I surprised as I said:' you shouldn't apologize not of this is your fault you didn't want yourself to be like this and that what going to save you in the end'.
He slowly smiled it was sad one but true one, hopeful one I guess, I took deep breath as I smiled back, his smile went wider as he wiped his tears something make me really , really want to jump across the table to hug and tell him it's fine.
I took a bit of my cupcake I surprised as I said:' Strawberry frosting, I thought it just pink!'
Harry smiled for the late notice as he raised his cupcake to his lips he bit it when I asked:' Harry, do you like to eat your favorite things first or you like to let the best to the end of the plate?'
'I think I like to leave it to the end, why you ask?' I said:' that's good sign' I bit huge bit from my cupcake he said:' what doesn't mean' I said:' people who leave the best for the end are patient and more mindful' he smiled saying:' sound old' I surprised of his answer then I just laughed as he laughed too.
'Who made the cupcake the king of eating the cupcake today?' I asked playfully as he smiled saying:' cupcake?!is that what you just called me' he caught the nickname I just gave him as I said:' yea, I did' I raised my cup to have another sip then I said:' you like it?' he was looking to his cupcake he looked at me, then said:' just promise you would be the only one who call me that'.
I smiled realizing I just have something to share with him only him and only me… maybe silly but it wasn't for me.
He looked at the snow as his eyes flick open growing wider:' Louis, it's snowing'
I looked through the glass, my gaze falling on the thick white flakes swirling in the winter air, resting in the gutters and on the sidewalk like the smallest brushing of sugar. 'It’s lovely.'
'Can we walk through it?' he asked sort of awed smile settled on his pink lips, that looked my brain for a while it felt home…comfy smile made me feel home his expression open and childish and like he didn’t have a care in the world. In that moment, the snow swirling in the crisp night, I think he’d forgotten he was falling.
I put my coat on so is he, as we both walked out of the bakeshop under the white flakes swirling in the chilly winter air, resting on the street and the trees on them it looked like the smallest brushing of sugar, he was smiling in awed and happily when I looked at him, his cheeks were flushing, I notice he didn't zip his jacket well, I did it for him he looked to my hand then smiled saying:' oh thank you, that was nice' I tried to avoid looking to him as I said:' welcome' avoiding for no reason but I fleshed too… didn't want him to see that.
He stood under the small flake as he let the snow fall on his hair, he said:' I can be tree' I smiled walking toward him:' and how it that?' he said:' I can let the snow fall on me without moving' I laughed saying:' that's childish' he said:' it's not do you have an idea that we all turn to trees' I asked:' and how is that?' he said:' when you go sleep you don't move but you stay a life just like trees' I raise an eyebrow when he started to laugh for no reason I said:' what?' he shook his head as he bitted his lower lip saying:' you had to watch your face when you raised your eyebrow… you look funny' I smiled nearly laughed.
It was chilling cold but somehow I wasn't feeling this, I was warm… my heart made me this way as he rushed the heat through my veins and that heated my bones, I didn't want to admit this but for God's sake he made this way… Harry made me this way.
We walked back to the hospital the snow was making the street just like our wonderland' I never liked the winter; I felt it was the most boring time in the year… I even heard that suicides happen most in this time' I said:' you'll surprise to know that's because the sun… sun makes us happy and that because we don't have sunny times a lot' he said:' good I thought people find winter the best time to die in' I said:' the weather made them feel this way'.
'It's beautiful, isn't it?' he said removing the snow flaked away of his coat.
'You'll surprise with how many beautiful things surround you but you never give a clue to notice them' he made amuse noise.
'You are kind of philosophical' I smiled saying ' but I'm not… I just keep my eyes open' he smiled saying:' well, I like how that sounded'
He turns to me as if he remembered something:' you should meet Lana and Zayn you should have deep- quotes battle together' I said:' I would win' he said:' why you are so sure?' I said:' I know how to use my advantages and that would keep me the best in the race'
'Don't be so sure they both smart and kind of philosophical too' 'Don’t be so sure.' He took a slow turn, letting his arms rise up away from his body. I just watched him spin, closing his eyes and turning like if he tried hard enough he could float away.
I watched as his feet slipped from under him and he careened into my arms, his weight folding into my chest.
He looked up at me dizzily, his green eyes holding my blues as the orange light reflected on his face skin, when snowflakes melting on his porcelain skin.
'I’ve got you.' I reassured him, tightening my grip around his waist not to let him fall.
He just smiled, looking completely at peace. 'I know.'
I realized then that Harry was wrong; he wasn’t hard to fix, he just needed someone who would… someone who would be patient give him all what he needs to trust, trying truly and hard was the key to fix the broken pieces of him.
NOTE:
Well, this was the second chapter… I really love to know what do you think about this one contact me let me know your opinion, I'm a good listener.
Honestly this one made me think deeply about the usual boring things I should do through my days, I should turn that somehow to meaningful, everybody should… we don't have to wait our last 180 Days to change our lives when we can have entirely good one, life is priceless what make it like that is death just remember that.
Today is August 22, 2014 it's my Ex best friend birthday, I wish to her the best day ever full of joy and endless happiness, I know she wouldn't read that ever and we two don't even contact but I felt like wanted to do a wish for her anyway.

Notes

Well, this was the second chapter… I really love to know what do you think about this one contact me let me know your opinion, I'm a good listener.
Honestly this one made me think deeply about the usual boring things I should do through my days, I should turn that somehow to meaningful, everybody should… we don't have to wait our last 180 Days to change our lives when we can have entirely good one, life is priceless what make it like that is death just remember that.
Today is August 22, 2014 it's my Ex best friend birthday, I wish to her the best day ever full of joy and endless happiness, I know she wouldn't read that ever and we two don't even contact but I felt like wanted to do a wish for her anyway.