18o Days Of Life & Death

January 7th –Day 22
There's no way I can lie about not being exiting about meeting Harry this week, especially after the last meeting that one which very well, last week.
I came in to his hospital room he was laying on his bed as usual but this time he wasn't even up-right he was just laying to his side his eyes locked at me as I walked and I expected he was lost in his mind 'cause he didn't move his eyes away ' hello' he closed his eyes then opened them as he said:' hey'.
'Do you have anything to do this week?' I asked him when I took my chair sitting next to him as he said:' I don't wanna do anything today' I notice his eyes were wet and bloodshot I got he was crying, I wouldn't push him to talk or even to do something with me today, actually I was in no mood to do anything either I was feeling tired and I started to regret go back to work before I completely cured from flu that I still feel tired because… 'Are you okay?' I asked worried what might be happened to him, when he just nodded.
'You know you can tell me anything and I wouldn't judge you, maybe I can help' I said.
I wasn't sure if we reach the point he would tell me what make him that sad but I was hopeful.
He bitted his lower lip not sure when I kept silence giving him the chance to think about his chances if telling me or not.
'She's mum… she just called, he voice was cracked this is the first time her voice being like this… I think she lost hope now' I rubbed his hand giving him the space to continue as he said:' she always was the one who thought that I'm gonna make it but now, she sound lost her hope'
'She only changed her way looking to things Harry… she don't wanna fool you and fool herself with some fake hopes, she's trying to deal with the reality that you might be leave her'
'I'm going to leave' he said in such sorrowed voice one felt with endless hopeless and misery but sound of accepting whatever it was.
'That doesn't mean you lose hope too, Harry… it's different not to accept the reality about being cancer patient and act if you don't have something wrong fooling yourself with lies about surviving in other hand accepting what cancer left for you to live with not gave it all up… 'cause in both you wasting time on nothing'
He smiled as he said:' I understand what do you talk about, I just felt as if mum gave up too that mean I'm going to fall harder than before… and now she did' I said:' I'll never let you fall Harry… remember I'll be you wings' he smiled softly closing his eyes in acceptation, he let them closed as if it was comfortable to let them like this.
The funny thing mum called today too, she had a nightmare about me last night she saw as if I was playing football – I stopped since I was diagnosed- when I fell on the ground and I got hurt –in her dream of course- so she called to make sure I'm fine not forgetting to remind me to find someone fit to me and fell in love with she was serious in this… I understand she was so close to lose me then she wants to use every possible chance to see me happy, I won't blame her.

'Have you ever made a blanket fort?' I asked slowly, sticking my hands in the pocket of my hoodie, relishing in the feel of the warm fleece.
He nodded a flick his eyes. 'Lana and I used to make them in my living room when we were younger.'
'Do you want to make one now?'
He seemed to consider the suggestion for a moment before nodding, slipping out of his covers and standing in front of me, looking down at my upturned face with just a hint of a smile. 'Okay.'
I got up, sliding my bag off my shoulder and put it onto the chair, reaching for the blanket. 'I think if we tuck it at the foot of the bed we can make a kind of fort, right?'
He gave me a nod. 'You do that, I’ll get pillows.' He said.
I pulled the thick blue blanket back and over the bottom of the bed, noticing how the entire room seemed to have a smell just a little bit different from the rest of the hospital. I couldn’t quite pinpoint it; it was just an intangible aura that spoke of warmth and Harry.
I stretched the blanket taunt, securing it by placing the leg of my chair over one corner and the leg of the table on the other, giving us a little right triangle of a fort. Harry tossed some pillows into the cave, arranging them so the tile floor was fully covered, and then ripped his sheets off, draping the star printed cotton over the exposed sides until we were completely enclosed in the dimly lit space.
It was so comfy for so many reasons… like the warmth inside, the fresh smell of Harry's hair that usually smelled as green apple and the look of his face under the blue blanket was so beautiful, I leaned my back toward the bed when he sit next to me our legs outta of the fort, everything was cracking outside but inside our fort it was quit peaceful silence, Harry said slowly as if it was smoke:' are you okay Louis?'
'I'm here to talk about you not about me, Harry' I tried to avoid answering his question, I tried not to let out a sigh that raised up into my chest 'cause of all I had today that made him smile at me, and I found my lips turn the smile back as it it's why the designed for and this is the most normal thing in the world… he has something that effects on me something not touchable or audible something bigger than I can handle, something was making me feel as if everything is alright around him, something make it hard to pretend anymore.
'It’s okay to not be okay, you know.' He said, staring up at the dark blue fabric. 'And you’re not.'
I let out the sigh. 'I know.'
'It’s easier in here though.' He said, a small smile working its way across his face. He did that a lot, his grins never quite reaching their full capacity as they curled lazily across his mouth. I wished he would just laugh again, for his dimples to crease his cheeks like in those pictures when he was tanned and happy and not sick.
'It is.' And suddenly I wanted to cry for reasons I couldn’t quite explain, because it wasn’t fair was it? It wasn’t fair that his body was betraying him, because boys with beautiful green eyes and soft voices and curly hair with nice attitude and so careful heart shouldn’t have to die in 180 Day.
'Louis?' He was looking at me now, concern furrowing his brow.
'I’m fine' I said, though I don’t think I was all that convincing. I felt his fingers wrap around mine and then I was clutching his hand like it was a lifeline, and I had the faint feeling that maybe it was.
I let his hand go I tried together myself and it was so hard when it's about him, I tried to understand why would 18 year old kid make me feel as if the world is meaningful and beautiful… why when I walk outta of his door I keep thinking about him 'till I turn back, why I have this feel like I want to cry badly and I didn't want anybody stop me from do it out loud as my lungs can handle… need for cry that I can't understand why I feel like I caught to him? … Yea, that was the right question why I feel like I got caught to him?
He turned his head so our eyes met, blue against green, communicating with out no words but our minds know how to understand each other even though we just met in less than month as if this meant to be like what it is. Its okay, I’ve got you.
We lapsed into comfortable silence, the sound of the hospital muted and quiet through the cotton walls. The soft conversations of doctors and the beeping of machines turned to a dull murmur that never really seemed to touch us as we floated in our little cocoon of comfort. It wasn’t perfect, but it was okay, and that was all I could really ask for at this point.
'Do you know what's funny?' he said as if he letting his thoughts out more than talking to me I said:' no' he said:' life is funny… life fooling us… it keep telling you that tomorrow would be better and you goes to wait and waist then when you realize you spend to much it become too late to change it… we are such fools'
'That doesn't sound funny for me' He let out a small sigh of laughter, which was sad more than anything else. 'No, but it sounds better than ‘you know what sucks about us and Life doesn’t it?'
'I guess you right' I replied, sliding down so I was lying down next to him, my knees brushing the underside of the blanket. I was acutely aware of the way his hands shifted against mine as I moved his long fingers and large palms dwarfing my hands in their warm grip. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I was aware of my conscience having a fit over my lack of doctor-patient etiquette, but I really couldn’t make myself give it thought… I ignored my head that was screaming to let go but why I would finish pure beautiful moment with him.
'You told me you were diagnosed about a year ago, weren't you?' he nodded, actually he's so lucky Brain cancer is nigh to be diagnosed early… when my thoughts drifted to the scars on his wrist then I wondered if diagnosed him was really blessing at all.
'The day after Valentine's Day' he said softly looking to his hand that rested on his thigh a note of the sad memory reminded in the back ' it's strange when I think the last night of this when I didn't know anything about the tumor'.
That made my brain tries to build a seen about his last day of being outta of cancer knowledge out the ward of stress and fear that cancer 'cause like the pain not enough, I wondered who he did meet? What did he said? How he did feel the night before? I asked softly:' what was your last day like?' I desperately wanted to know the answer for extremely important and entirely professional reasons.
'Happy' the word was almost like the last breath in lifetime he continue:' I was with Zayn and Lana that time, thought Zayn not anywhere around soon'.
'Couldn't deal with cancer?' I asked I know how people would treat you when cancer come to the play, they try to help but they don't have idea how, some of them would try and that would drive to feel as if you breakable and some others would just move away trying not to 'cause pain to you 'cause they are effected.
'I ended it up' he replied simply. I looked at him he looked hurtas he said:' I was hurting him, I was friend with him for so long time he never saw me broken and he was the most one I felt like I hurt him after all it wasn't his fault that I'm sick. And outta of this he gone and asked Niall to come live with him in our flat… poor Niall'
I grinned as I repeated 'poor Niall!!' there was something truly exceptional in the way Harry could make me smile by talking about how he’d broken up with his friend because he’d gotten cancer. It was just how he said things, the way he drawled his words in his low gravelly voice, like life was some big joke the universe had let him in on.
'Somehow I think Niall can fit well with Zayn's miss, Niall is patient more that me, I don't think he would be upset about the whole thing'
'Lana is the one who take it all easy when she knew, that's why I trust her as close friend now… I wonder sometimes if she knows I'm diagnosed with cancer, she talk as if I'm fine and I love that, I think she's my best friend beside her husband Nickolas'
'What about you?' I asked wanting him to tell me more about him.
'What bout me?' he asked in wonder what he supposed to say.
'Don't you have this dream of finding your love of your life too?' Did I really ask that?!!! I think that was stupid thing to ask, why in the world I care that much about his answer.
'I don't date' he replied his tone is serious again.
'Why?' For The God's sake I sounded disappointed!
'It wouldn't be fair for other one, I have nothing to give in return I have no time' he trailed off, as if he’d somehow lost himself between the beginning and the end of the sentence.
'So you won't even try to love someone because you know you're going to hurt him in the end' I asked wishing I couldn’t see the logic in that statement. I shouldn’t be this emotionally invested, not in someone with so little time.
'I spend the last year trying to stay away from every person I might hurt by my death, I didn't want anybody to cry or be sad 'cause of me' he said sounded so lonely he didn't want to do that but in his head he has to do it any way to protect people he loves I squeezed his hand tightly in mine, trying to send him some kind of comfort through our touch.
'You can't do this Harry, you only hurt them even more, they would feel helpless towards you when they want to help you through the time of your need, pushing them away not protective thing to do.
'I just don't wanna them get hurt' he said truly, I wouldn't think there's someone selfless like Harry before the fact that he wants the people surround him hate him not to feel hurt later when he have to go is just the purest selfless thing I ever heard about.
'No one should care about me' he said as he looked to my eyes when I said:' people do care you can't stop this'
'They should stop' but I can't stop… I can't I have to care, Harry!
But somehow I was fairly sure that wasn’t what he wanted to hear, so I whispered the only other thing I could think of. “Okay.” And it really wasn’t, because Harry was falling and somehow I’d ended up slipping with him. I just wanted to take all of his pain and let him live again, because I wasn’t just falling, I was falling for him and I wasn’t sure I knew how to stop.
'Do you still have Fault in Our Stars with you?' I searched as I said:' yea'.
He said: 'read it to me'
I asked:' do you wanna me read it to you now?'
'Do you have any other plans?' he raised an eyebrow at me when I smiled opening the book: 'no'.
I grabbed a pillow from the far side of the fort, tucking it behind me and settling in. Harry was pressed against my side, head hovered over my shoulder like he wanted to rest it there but wasn’t sure if he could and was too afraid to ask for permission. I smiled, enjoying the soft tickle of his curls against my shoulder as I started in, the dim blue light just enough to read by.
"Augustus Waters drove horrifically. Whether stopping or starting, everything happened with a tremendous JOLT. I flew against the seat belt of his Toyota SUV each time he braked, and my neck snapped backward each time he hit the gas. I might have been nervous—what with sitting in the car of a strange boy on the way to his house, keenly aware that my crap lungs complicate efforts to fend off unwanted advances
—but his driving was so astonishingly poor that I could think of nothing else.
We’d gone perhaps a mile in jagged silence before Augustus said, “I failed the driving test three times.”
“You don’t say.”
He laughed, nodding. “Well, I can’t feel pressure in old Prosty, and I can’t get the hang of driving left-footed. My doctors say most
Amputees can drive with no problem, but . . . yeah. Not me. Anyway, I go in for my fourth driving test, and it goes about like this is going.”
A half mile in front of us, a light turned red. Augustus slammed on the brakes, tossing me into the triangular embrace of the seat belt. “Sorry.
I swear to God I am trying to be gentle. Right, so anyway, at the end of the test, I totally thought I’d failed again, but the instructor was like,
‘Your driving is unpleasant, but it isn’t technically unsafe.’”
“I’m not sure I agree,” I said. “I suspect Cancer Perk.” Cancer Perks are the little things cancer kids get that regular kids don’t: basketballs
I signed by sports heroes, free passes on late homework, unearned driver’s licenses, etc.
“Yeah,” he said. The light turned green. I braced myself. Augustus slammed the gas.
“You know they’ve got hand controls for people who can’t use their legs,” I pointed out.
“Yeah,” he said. “I'll maybe someday.” He sighed in a way that made me wonder whether he was confident about the existence of someday.
I knew osteosarcoma was highly curable, but still."
He turned, ducking his nose into my shoulder and mumbling his replies into the cotton of my tee shirt, ' I like that one'.
'Are you gonna distract me for long time 'cause really I can't keep track with lines when you are talking!'
He looked up at me breathing' sorry' on my skin that draw features of anger on my face I wasn't angry, I was nerves… he made me nerves lopsided smirk falling onto his face. I liked that expression, it was sly, a little bit filthy, and seemed to be filled with secrets just bursting to be told. “No, I’m really not.”
I looked pointedly back at the book, starting again with authority. He was quiet after that, resting his head on my shoulder, tentatively at first and then with more assurance.
I thought about what he’d said as I read, about how he’d spent the last year making sure he’d have no one left to hurt. I wasn’t sure he knew yet, but as I sat in the semi-darkness I was sure that he was going to end up hurting someone.
When he died, he was going to take a piece of me with him.

Notes

Finally! Finished Chapter three that one was the longest one not in words but the time I spend on was too much that ended me up quoting here and there Thank for Robin and Maggie Again Who wrote "Catch Me I'm falling" I tried to contact them but I have no response if anybody have an idea how please tell me and for sure thank you for John Green who wrote "The Fualt In Our Starts".
Well, I just want to remind you I made a trailer for this one please go watch it and tell me what do think, write for me about anything I'm listening all ears, guys!
Otherwise next chapter gonna be better than this one, I got sort of living the story as I was in hospital today for silly thing glasses nothing big well, the thing is I went doctor for test and I figured that my eyes problem is worse than I thought… I started to cry over it dad told me it's okay and you gonna be fine everybody have glasses, I know it's silly but lets say I cried 'cause I felt bit of how Harry feels like in this Fanfiction since I didn't expect to have serious problem… Crazy me going emotional easy over silly thing-xxAB.