18o Days Of Life & Death

December 17th –Day1
Everybody have this event in his life that change his life forever it's shouldn't be for the best and it shouldn't for the worse… the even might be bad itself and might be it would be the best thing that ever happened in our wasted lives.
For me it was the cancer ward, I loved the new me who born just after facing it I loved the fact I can understand those kids who had no one to listen them or maybe someone who could understand them in the right way and those who had no idea where cancer took them in life so they simply lost between all of those feels of fear and worry, I loved that cancer made me find the answer so many people had lost contact with the question I didn't thought about 'till I was too close to fall what I'm doing with my life? But I know now what I was meant to be doing with my life.
The cancer was the same reason that made me meet Harry Styles on 17th December, that evening I gave his manila as he become my new patient, I swear nothing looked interesting that cloudy evening.
Heavier than normal was his file full of papers… I wasn't really interesting about reading his file not because anything else but I never liked build a back ground for my patients… I wanted them to give it to me; I wanted them to inform me of what they wanted me to know about them for the first meeting, no expectation.
I entered his hospital room with my cheery smile on as i prepared for good first impression by acting so friendly putting myself in the danger of getting refused, but usually it help… to act as if you knew someone for the whole time even if you don't they just needed to trust you and I just give the reason to do, at least the reason that make them think I'm no dangerous on their already unsteady life.
He was laying half-upright in his bed, his bright green eyes glued to his phone screen that sitting between his long fingers, his face was drawn and pale, he had beautiful chocolaty curly hair that was wiped into one side that slid softly on his forehead, he got those cute front big teeth.
'Hello' I said as I hugged my clipboard tighter to my chest as I said softly with smile:' I'm Louis.'
He didn't move his hand away as he said:' Hello' I said:' I'm the…' he cut me off as he said:' you are the therapist' he looked at me saying:' I know'.
I surprised for a little while then I remembered I had this reaction before it wasn't new any way, everybody who wanted someone to listen acted the same way but really no one wanted to open up I understand they need time to trust me ' I'm here to listen to you, whatever what you ever wanted to say'.
'You aren't the first, you know?' I nodded with smile.
My mind put a wall front his tries of breaking me down, he would sure do this for testing me if I can take all his pain and fears away or I'll fall down in the first meet with them he wants to make sure I'm not going to run away any where else… so he had to push on me.
I pulled up a blue armchair as I said:' do you mind if I sit?' he shrugged:' no, go head'.
I sit on it crossing my legs underneath me I pulled out a book it was Danielle's gift for me for my birthday- that a bit early for gifts- The Fault in Our Starts by John Green, I read the first pages of the Author notes and the comments about the book then I stole looks at him, I tried to read him… understand him got effected by something about him as he –in the other hand choice to ignore my existence, gluing his eyes to the screen as if he tried really hard he might be make a hole through it.
He looked small in his blankets, but there's no way he got strong shoulder supported by pile of pillows… he looked as if the death is just the fact he living now… waiting for the unwelcome guest patiently.
'If you wanna talk about anything and everything you know you can, I'm keeping secrets for patient confidentially so don't you be worry' I leaned on my knees trying to get closer to him but he didn't pay attention… he just mumbled unclear words mean:' I know'.
I nodded accepting this as answer of 'no' if he didn't want to talk I'm not going to push him to, I give Danielle's book full attention now I opened the last page of the book… there was a picture of the writer John Green and some other works for him… sorry I didn't have the full experience of reading you works yet… I finally found where the story ends:
' What else? She is so beautiful. You don’t get tired of looking at her. You never worry if she is smarter than you: You know she is. She is
Funny without even being mean. I love her. I am so lucky to love her, Van Houten. You don’t get to choose if you get hurt in this world,
Old man, but you do have some say in who hurts you. I like my choices. I hope she likes hers.
I do, Augustus.
I do.'
Urhrm… what I can get from those words?!! Seems like words from diary or something, does some one gonna die?! Danielle what's the story behind this book? What do you wanna me to catch?
I opened the last pages when, I felt the book took outta of my hand, he was Harry who did that he said in serious tone:' can you please read the book from the first page to the last one as regular human do?' I was a bit surprised of his reaction ' I don't wanna waste my time on something might be silly'.
'Why you bought it so?' he asked questioning as he looked at me for answer.
'I didn't but someone bought me as a birthday gift' he looked me saying:' how can someone trust you when you doing this?!'
'Doing what?' I said watching him as he looked at the book reading the notes and the comments in quick look.
'Being such stealer who steal looks from the end just to get idea about the book so you can say you had read it all, I don't think she would like that' he looked at the first page.
'How did you know she's a girl?' he looked at me saying:' sorry she wrote words for you in the being but really couldn't read her name clearly' he's so smart… I didn't even saw Danielle's words.
'I like that book!' he looked at me as he said:' Can you read it out loud for me?'
I smiled saying:' sure'
I opened the first pages as I cleared my throat starting reading the first lines:
'Late in the winter of my seventeenth year, my mother decided I was depressed, presumably because I rarely left the house, spent quite a lot
Of time in bed, read the same book over and over, ate infrequently, and devoted quite a bit of my abundant free time to thinking about death.
Whenever you read a cancer booklet or website or whatever, they always list depression among the side effects of cancer. But, in fact,
Depression is not a side effect of cancer. Depression is a side effect of dying. (Cancer is also a side effect of dying. Almost everything is,
Really) But my mom believed I required treatment, so she took me to see my Regular Doctor Jim, who agreed that I was veritably swimming
In a paralyzing and totally clinical depression, and that therefore my meds should be adjusted and also I should attend a weekly Support
Group'
My electronic notebook went crazy as the hour I should spend with him just over, I said:' time up' he said:' good I was tired' I smiled as I gathered my things
'I'll see you next week, and you know you still can always tell me whatever' I took out a note paper as I wrote my phone number down on theme I stick it on his notebook as I said:' this is my phone number you call me when ever you felt like want to talk'
'I don't think I would need it' he said looking to his phone again, ' just in case you felt like you need to talk you would have it… I answer anytime so don't worry'.
I smiled toward him but he was no where to notice, something about him was sospecial, something I can't tell what… but he's hard to be cracked should I wonder if he able to be cracked? I just hope he would let me take over his hand and help him through his time of need.
January 24th-Day8
I came in to the small bakeshop where Danielle working… Danielle by the way is my flat mate Liam girlfriend, we kinda of best friend too, she's my favorite between all Liam's girlfriends.
I was in hurry actually I was late to be here with Danielle and Liam, I took my coat off, as Danielle tossed on one of the chairs as Liam lead me to the table where rested a birthday cake on caught my name on.
'Blow it off and make wish' said Liam leading when Danielle looked at him saying:' we didn't sing to him!!' I said:' Danielle I'm in hurry' she said:' how many times you got birthday in the year?!!'
Everybody in the bakeshop singed with Danielle and Liam, as I stood in the middle
'Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you dear Louis Happy Birthday to you' I made my wish in my head then blow the candles off, when looked at my electronic note… I was late on Harry's visit.
'Sorry I have to go I'm late' Danielle said stopping me:' you won't leave before take a piece of your Birthday cake Tomlinson!' I said:' hey, I'm really late' she said:' I'll bring them so you can share him with your next patient, alright Good idea, huh?'
I smiled wiped my hair away in side as she went to the kitchen put them into a box for me, she came in hurry saying:' I made it by myself you can't not to taste it' I said:' I'll promise'.
I smiled as waved toward her walking back to the hospital which a way few blocks.
I opened Harry's hospital room I was trying to make some planes to push him into conversationally talk this week, but my birthday was good thing to change the routine he lives into this room.
'Hello' I said smiling toward him he did no reaction for my hello he was even holding his phone again, I just took a seat next to him, he noticed my overwhelmed happiness and I can read by his looks he was searching why?
I just killed his curious as I said:' hope you would like to share me my cake' he looked at me questioning when I opened the box the smell of the fresh backing was delicious; I offered him a plastic fork.
'What is this?' he said that in questions running in his head, I said clear it all:' well, funny thing it's my birthday and I have no time in Christmas Eve so my friends made small fast party not to miss the occasion, but there was no time for eating cake so she just put it into box for me to share you it later'
'Oh got it!' I offered the fork again saying:' don't tell me you hate cake, now' he smiled saying:' I was a bakery' I said:' cool you have to make Danielle she's the one who made this cake'
I was grateful 'cause he just told me information about him that I didn't ask for; he's not that hard to crack as I start to thought.
'Like it?' I asked looking at him when he nodded saying:' thank Danielle for this delicious cake' I said:' I'll'
I tried to remove the chocolate smear away from his lips, I took out a tissue wiping the chocolate away, he looked at me for a bit while I said nearly whispering:' thank Danielle' Harry took the tissue outta of my hand clean the smears himself.
'thank you for the cake and happy birthday for you' I smiled when he sit the same sit as he was before my present… texting some one on his phone, he turn back his walls I was so close to him before a minute… he still need time to make decision about the fact of me existence in his life.
I covered the cake as I put the forks a side as I said:' do you think we could talk this time?' he said in carefree tone:' talk about?'
'You can talk about yourself' I came up, when he chuckled not looking at me saying:' you can read my file' I said:' I can do it but I want you to tell me what you want me to know'.
'Such a lazy therapist' he said without take his eyes away from his phone.
'Actually I don't like to have expectations about someone I never knew before i like to make my own thoughts not take it out from files' I replied, trying not to let his attitude not to get me, he had cancer for the God's sake of course he would treat everybody this way… he allowed to attitude like this no blame in this.
He finally looked at me then I felt like my answer was good somehow that made him turn to me, stop trying to born a hole in the phone screen.
'You here 'cause I'm depressed' he said the word with sound of malice, sound of mocking annoyance, like he give me the message you know nothing about me and it would take you the whole world have to get it… he hated the word, it doesn't belong to him and so meaningless. 'Because I should somehow be fine when I got six months to live with horrible brain tumor at eighteen with another medical affect that worse than the cancer itself, somehow I'm expected to be fine and happy'
His voice shacked with last few words revealing the pain and hurt he had 'cause of his situation, it was the most truth thing he tell me about himself since I met him, I said softly putting my hand on his:' no one said you should be happy about your cancer' I replied my heart raced with his shivering hand, only six month!...180 days before his heart stop beating no one would be happy about.
'But you seem to me as if given up trying to beat your tumor, I wonder why that?' I said trying to keep my voice softly 'cause I knew he's angry… angry from all what happen to him… it wasn't normal and it was all wrong to be in four walls and strange bed waiting death to take all over… this is can't be right it was dying 'till the death comes.
'You know what some people live full life of events and all, but there truly time they were happy at countable and every other moment wasted on nothing but fighting worries and fears, plans and sadness, so really you still have chance to live real life, you can't simply give up about this' I said.
He looked at me wiped his tears as he said:' you have no idea how does it feel like, do you? I mean feeling like you can't count down to the day you gonna die in, I have only 180 days left for me and I wouldn't say to live 'cause I'm already dead, since the day they diagnosed me I did die' his voice cracked as he said:' I'm going to lose me and no one can do anything about it, they can only watch me dying'.
I shook my head slowly on his response; maybe felt a bit shocked 'cause of his sudden admission. Since I started this job I understood many things about dying, not because I was too close to it but because I've been watching happen over and over again, there's many people have no idea what death was like but I'm not one of them I always was in the seen when it goes to take over. 'because of what I'm doing I've seen seven kids die, I still can list their names, age, what they diagnosed?, how did they looked like, their birthdays, and the day they had to leave life leaving scar that would never know how it feel like to have it, but I do' I gave him solid look hoping I was getting into him, my hope was raised I mean before few hours he wouldn't even look at me and now he was telling me about his worse fears, I hoped that what I was touching… I hope that was his soul that become jaded and tired years ago. 'Trust me I have idea how it's like' his eyes daring me in unsure to respond.
'What's like?' his mouth said slowly I can feel the fear from know the answer and the curious in his voice.
I took deep breath and said:' it's like watching someone falling off train and you try to catch him but the rain made your grasp weaker, and you try hard to hold on 'cause you are his last chance and somehow you don't wanna lose him either 'cause he has part of you, but what matter what, you can't help him from falling all you can do is make it late that's all'
'I don't know what is like to die, Harry but I knew what is like to watch someone's heart stop, when I'm as sure as the sky above I can't save you but God damn it if I didn't try to hold you back as I can'.
His voice cracked as he looked at me with smile that hides much pain and sadness through 'Death like falling.'
'Excuse me?' I asked not sure of what he meant, he looked at my eyes saying:' dying like falling' smile didn't leave playing on his lips, that expression was different as if he found something lost, some answer he waited for a life time to hear it… it was joy what showed on him.
'You can see the end of the fall, and you know you gonna hit it hard but you can't help it'
'That doesn't mean you can't enjoy the fall itself' I said with smile trying to add some to this conversation.
He didn't turn the smile but sinking in his pillow 'something I supposed to'
I sat back on my chair as I said:' is there anything you would like to talk about?'
He shook his head, looking outta of the window it was raining now, I looked at the time in my electronic note as I said:' time for me to leave, and 'till next week you can think about something to tell me, all right?'
He nodded wiped some tears away, I didn't wanna push on him more than he already did, I wanted the time let him do it, and somehow I reach point this week, he was so hard to crack last one but this week he talked to me and this is a progress.
I just have to be patient with him I have to let him have the right chance to trust me and I know I can, I wouldn't let myself think about any other options for him, I turned to leave 'okay, see you next week, have beautiful night'.
He said:' still 10 minutes, why you are leaving?' it wasn't attitude of nothing but as if he didn't want me to leave or my head wanted me to feel as if he really would I said:' if you didn't want to talk I don't wanna bother you staying for nothing' he looked to the light above his head when he said biting his lower lip as he searched for something he opened his notebook out, he extracted something… it was my phone number that I wrote for him last week, he said with smile:' Does the offer availed yet?' I smiled as I said:' anytime, you want I'll answer'.
He nodded put it back in the drawer, I walked to the doorway, I turn to have final look over him he back to his phone I turn back to my way when he said:' oh wait!' I back to him wondering what's wrong when he said:' good night, Louie' I think the look on my face was too stupid 'cause he smiled at, I nodded smiling ' good night too, Harry' I was about to take my way again when I said:' you know what Harry? I think you gonna survive'.
The expression on his face lighted up with true smile as if he make sure he heard that right, I think he can fight… he can save the last 180 days of his life with little sparkle that might be shine his whole life soon.
The boy was not just sad and hard to crack, he was also mix of charming and cuteness, cheeky yeas… and helplessly adorable for known and unknown reasons, that smile he gave me made me make a promise if this gonna be the last thing I would do in my life I would only make smile just like this once more.
It started raining as I walked out of the hospital door, I couldn't find any cabs to home so I walked to Liam's and I flat.
When I came in Liam walked toward me as he heard me 'Liam I'm home' he was sitting on the couch when he looked at me over his seat, he notice my wetness clothes when he said in shock:' are you crazy?! You walked under the rain?' I said as he tried helping me to take off my wet coat:' couldn't find any cabs home, he said:' why you didn't call me to pick you up?' I said:' I didn't think about it that time' he shook his head as he brings me dry towel and dry warm clothes.
I was in Liam & main flat I was covered with blanket on the couch, Liam dim the light for me to relax as I was feeling flu getting into me, Liam put hot chocolate on the coffee table as he said nearly whispering:' do you wanna do anything else for you?' I said:' its okay Liam, what time is it?' he said:' it's one morning, are you okay?' I said:' yea' he said:' I think you are trying to be pretending you are but I think you caught cold' Liam was being Liamish acting like dad not emotional but care.
My phone ranged saving me from this conversation about being fine, I answered it was unknown number I said:' hey' I tried to sound fine but my voice was shakily I was totally sick, I heard Harry's husky and deep voice saying:' is it Louie?' I said:' yea, it's me' he said:' it's Harry' I said:' hey Harry' I was surprised and happy to listen his voice actually I didn't expected him to call soon I said:' you okay?' he said:' yea, did I wake you up?' I said:' no, I didn't go bed yet' he said:' your voice sounds like sleepy' I said:' actually I got flu so my voice changed a bit' he smiled between breaths when he said:' get well soon then, you told me I can talk anytime I want to' I said:' I know, thank you 'cause you took my offer' Liam said:' who's this?' I said moving to my own room putting the warm blanket around me ignoring Liam:' So do you wanna talk about…' he said:' did you ever felt something bad going to happen and then it really did?' I said:' I donnu what do you mean Harry' he said:' I knew I'm gonna die soon… before I diagnosed I had this feel like I'm gonna get sick and die, it was so strong feel that I didn't surprised when they told me about my brain tumor' I said:' Harry don't over think about such things that it up to fate' he said:' this is all my life about now I can't not to think about it, it's what I got' I said:' it's what you want to got, Harry… you still have a chance' .
He said:' tell me about you' I was laying on my bed covering with my blankets and it was warm under them, I said:' what you wanna hear?' he said softly:' what you can tell' I didn't like to talk about myself 'cause I'll have to spell my secrets out of my mouth but I was ready to tell him everything I had in my own life… I was ready to share him everything I have, I said:' I born in Doncaster 24th December 1991 I'm the older brother for 4 sisters and one baby boy'.
I stopped for a while when he hummed for more I smiled getting warmer under blankets… I felt as if he was lying next to me as if we bodied intertwined somewhere could never visit.
I said:' my mom called Jay; I'm living with my flat mate who named Liam who works as a fire fighter and he has a girlfriend named Danielle who works in coffee shop, he get angry when I become careless about cleaning the flat with him 'cause he really get tired gathering things behind the missy me and I do a lot'.
He chuckled when I smiled too I stopped not sure if I had to tell him the following part when he said:' Yea, then?'
'I was thirteen…' I wasn't sure if Harry should be listening the following story 'cause it was sad for me and I didn't know any other way to tell it to make it feel better but I can't…this morning when the doctor came in smiled sadly at me as he asked mom to follow him when the doctor had come in with a stern expression and talked to my mother in hushed tones and she’d looked at me and just cried. In many ways it had been the most important day of my life, the day that turned me into me and make me who I'm today, I finally said simply:' I diagnosed with lymphoma'.
I didn't say any world later I let him get what I just said, think about it and down it from the air, when I said slowly:' everything was telling me I'm dying… no way I'm leaving this world doctors words, meds doses that become huger everyday, my body which went skinner I was only 98 pound even with my hair which I lost it all and heading in and out of hospital and almost spending year of time life in there… even with all of this I never let it get this feel of losing get into me, I was telling myself if I ever gave up I'm going to be hopeless and with being hopeless I'm going to get depressed and I couldn't let Cancer win not like if he can turn my family into sad one and caught my life to his own I would let him go with it…I had to win this fight so I pushed myself to believe I had a chance and to hold on'
'So that's why you do what are you doing now?' he said slowly i wanted to se his face that moment I wanted to know how does he feel about me now, how does the effecting look on his face just after what I told.
'I guess so, I wanted to help someone I wanted to save him and help him to survive even when I'm sure I can't save everybody but I can always try, if I did then it all will be worth it'.
He didn't say anything back he just breathed steady soft breath, I closed my eyes…I can feel him breathing and it’s the only thing in the room.
'Do you think you can save me?' he murmured when I said softly:' I can always try and do my best I just need you to believe that I can then I will'
'I think you are saving me Louis Tomlinson' my heart raced as he forces my lips to play a smile on them as it feel like he just gave me his hand to catch him from falling away, it's my turn now to be hold on his hand as tight as I ever can, it's up to me to save him now, I tried to say anything but all my answers died in my throat it was nowhere to be out.
'Have you read my file?' he said slowly I said:' no, not yet' he said softly:' I want you to read it' I said not sure what I might find in those manila pages about him what might be caught:' okay'.
'Louis?'
'Would you sing to me to sleep?'
I was confused 'cause I never been singer 'I can't sing'
'Try'
I finally gave up saying whispery: 'what song you wanna I sing to you?' I needed a lullaby with hopefully lyrics.
'Anything you want.' There was a smile in his words, warm and nearly tangible. There was something about him that calmed me, soothed my often frazzled brain and made everything okay, like nothing else important in the whole world.
I took a deep breath, starting to sing in a soft voice, not wanting to wake Liam. I was fairly sure I was off pitch and my voice slid uncomfortably up to the high notes, but I had a feeling Harry didn’t mind and so I didn’t either.

'When you try your best but you don’t succeed, when you get what you want, but not what you need.' I let my eyes drift closed, sliding back into the folds of my sheets. 'When you feel so tired, but you can’t sleep, stuck in reverse.'

'When the tears come streaming down your face, when you lose something you can’t replace, when you love someone but it goes to waste, could it be worse?'

I stared up at my ceiling, the notes treading the line between song and whisper. And when I spoke them they weren’t just words but promises as if I was making them for him… and I wanted to do it. 'Lights will guide you home, and ignite your bones, and I will try to fix you.'

I continued the song, the lyrics descending into a soft humming as I lost track of the phrases and was left with nothing but the chorus and my promise. I wasn’t sure how long I lay like that, sending little pieces of myself down the phone line, but when I stopped he didn’t make a sound so I guessed he was a sleep by now.

'Harry?' I asked softly, but there was no response from the other side, just the steady inhale and exhale of his breath. 'Have a nice night.'

I thought about hanging up, but in the end I just rolled onto my side, set the phone on my pillow next to me and soaked in the rhythm of his breathing.

Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale…. My eyes won't let me without go sleep now over his breathing sound.
NOTE:
This is the first chapter, I hope you like it… I read a note for Robin who wrote CMIF, talked about two words 'Love & infinities' I think the first one was always my favorite 'cause how it such hard to be found but the other it seem for me as a dream but it can't be real? As long as the clock ticking I think everything is impossible, so what do you think about the first chapter? Please let me know comment here or just go to any of my Facebook or Twitter accounts feel free to tell me whatever-xxAB.

Notes

This is the first chapter, I hope you like it… I read a note for Robin who wrote CMIF, talked about two words 'Love & infinities' I think the first one was always my favorite 'cause how it such hard to be found but the other it seem for me as a dream but it can't be real? As long as the clock ticking I think everything is impossible, so what do you think about the first chapter? Please let me know comment here or just go to any of my Facebook or Twitter accounts feel free to tell me whatever-xxAB.