Give me love like this

Jai is way too fucking nice. What the hell was he thinking inviting Liam here to stay? He could buy a fucking hotel building if he needed somewhere to stay. He wasn't homeless. Why is he here anyway, shouldn't he be with Sophia? I talked to Maggie, she said the boys were going on a world tour starting in a few days, I have no idea why he's here.

And to make matters worse, we're sharing a wall. His room is right next to mine. Jai has the whole upstairs. Granted it's only a rather large room, bathroom, and a huge closet I'd trade with him in a second. Heck, I'd even sleep on the floor if Jai would let me. But I know he won't. He talked to me over and over again about giving Liam a second chance. So annoying. No one will let me make my own decisions. I don't want or need Liam in my life anymore.

I changed into sweatpants and a tank top from my teacher garb, slip on some fuzzy socks and sit on the edge of my bed. Twiddling my thumbs with nothing to do. We have a few days break from school, we have another one in May, just a few weeks before school lets out, Mom, Dad, Maggie and I are going to Rio to see mimi and papi. I have to take a Thursday and Friday off work, then we have Monday and Tuesday off so I'll have five days with them before I have to fly back on Tuesday. Mom, Dad, and Maggie are going for longer, but I can't, I only get two paid days off for school so I saved them for this trip. I haven't seen my Grandparents in three years.

A knock at the door catches my attention and snaps me back to reality.

“Codi? Your uncle left to go to the market and the timer went off for dinner, so the lasagna is ready if you're hungry.” It was Liam, his voice seemed shaky.

I don't respond. But I am starving. I blow out all the air from my lungs as I get up from the bed and make my way to the kitchen. I wasn't planning on staying, I'd rather grab my food and eat in my room, but I know I’ll feel guilty making Liam eat by himself. I know that I'm not a fan of him but deep down inside he really is still my friend. I still miss him.

I turn around the hall and see Liam leaning against the counter looking down.

“Hi.” I say meekly.

“Hi Codi.” He whispers to me and turns around to hand me a plate. I see he's already cut the pan and I see he hasn't eaten yet. I reach over and grab the second plate sitting on the counter after I've gotten my lasagna.

“You want some Liam?” I ask while holding his plate. I decided to be nice.

“Um, yes, please. Thank you.” He keeps rubbing his hands back and forth, he seems really nervous.

“If you want, you can grab some glasses in the cabinet to your left and get us something to drink. I'll just have water but there's plenty of other refreshments in the fridge if you want something different.” I take our plates past the table and living room to the outside. The breeze is just slightly blowing and you can smell the salt water coming in, even if the beach is a few blocks away. I set our plates down on the outdoor furniture and take a seat. Liam joins me a few minutes later, he's so nervous he's shaking, the water is going everywhere. I can't help but smirk. This is so awkward, a far cry from how things were over a year ago in Aruba.

We eat in silence for a while until Liam looks at me.

“So c-can we talk about what happened back in July?”

“Fine Liam. Talk away.” I finally give in. I'm ready to put it behind me and move on. With or without him as a friend.

“I talked to Maggie when we were in New York.” He starts out. What? She promised me she would never talk to him again, when were they in New York at the same time? “And it was all a big misunderstanding. I didn't send those texts to you. You have to believe that I would never say those things to you. I was in the shower when you had text and Sophia text you back. She's the one who unfollowed you and blocked you on twitter, she changed your phone number in my phone. She kept me convinced you didn't want to be my friend, that I needed to back off so I did. I know it was stupid and I should have tried harder, I just, I just didn't know what to do.” It all comes out.

“Why are you still with her then? If you don't like what she's apparently said to me then why are you still together?" I ask, I'm trying to fight back tears. Even if he didn't send those things to me, he didn't try very hard to get me back in his life.

“I'm not. Sophia and I broke up back in January. We've been telling the media we're still together but once were on tour, it's going to be officially over.” He tells me, he looks like he's telling the truth. He looks me in the eye and keeps my attention.

“Where is Jai?” That's all I can think of right now.

“Jai? I just told you everything and all you can think of is where is Jai?” He's clearly getting frustrated but I really don't care.

“Yeah, you said he just went to the market, but he's been gone for over an hour.” I'm really good at changing the subject, least I think I am.

“So back to what I was saying. You have anything to add to what I said, or are you just going to keep talking about your uncle Jai?” He says forcefully as he throws his fork on the table, apparently he's good about changing the subject back.

I sit for a minute and think. Now or never Codi.

“What do you want me to say Liam? That I was so hurt from what you apparently said that I changed my whole life? That I moved to California from Minnesota just so I could get away from my parents who talked to your parents every week? That I cried because you said you were better off without me? That I deleted my twitter because of all the nasty things people had said to me when you apparently unfollowed me? That I hate checking out at the grocery store because you and Sophia were splashed all over the tabloids? Is that what you want to hear? That week in Aruba was the best week of my life, and every time we talked you made my day better no matter what was going on. You want to know that you broke my heart when you started dating Sophia, that you ripped it out my chest and stomped on it when I got those text messages? Is that what you want me to say?” I take a deep breath, I've been holding that in for 9 months. I finally had the courage to say it to him, everything that I had wanted to say, it was all out on the table now.

I roughly shoved my chair back and grabbed my plate as Liam rested his elbows on his knees and held his head. I made my way to the door, before I did I turned to him.

“You know what the worst thing about your story is Liam? It took you 9 fucking months to grow the balls to say it to me. 9 months. I just can't wait till 9 more months pass by, what will you have the courage to say to me then?”

I slam the door shut leaving Liam outside and stomp to the kitchen, throw my plate in the sink and walking back to my bedroom. I quickly start digging through my nightstand drawer and find exactly what I was looking for. The letter. Letter that has been folded and unfolded thousands of times, letter that should have been thrown out in July. I then see the bracelet Ruth had made me and Liam had given me on my last night in Aruba. The day those texts were sent to me I ripped it off. But I just couldn't part with either of them.

I walk back out to the main room and notice Liam is still sitting with his elbows on his knees, head in his hands as I open the door. He doesn't even move. I drop his letter and the bracelet on the table in front of him. As he looks up at me, tears in his eyes.

“I used to read this everyday until a few months ago. I don't need to read it anymore, I have it memorized. It's all lies. You can have it back. And this bracelet, means nothing to me.” I turn on my heels and once again walk into the house. Run to my room and pull on some shorts and my favorite workout tank. Lace up my shoes and grab my iPod. I need a run to clear my head. Out of the corner of my eye I see that Liam is still in the same position I left him in, I slam the door on my way out and off I go.

I end up running for over an hour. Everything just came out in my run. I fought for myself, finally. When I reach the driveway I feel so much better. I'm ready to face Liam again, maybe this time I'll be nicer. Maybe.

When I open the door, it's quiet. I look and see Liam is gone from the back patio. All the dishes are cleaned up from the kitchen. I walk to wards my room, past the room where Liam is staying and I notice his door is open, his bags are gone. My room door is slightly open, when I push it open I notice the letter and the bracelet I gave back to Liam, along with a new letter. I carefully open the folded paper and begin to read.

Codi,
I'm at a loss for words. I know this letter will probably be another dumb rant much like my first one but I hope that you give me a chance and read it.

I don't deserve you. I'm so very sorry for how everything played out. It was not my intention. I read that letter I had written to you over a year ago and I have failed you. I promised to always be there for you and I wasn't. Not even close. I'm sorry I ever believed Sophia and wanted to be with her. It is a regret I will always carry with me. It should have been you. It will always be you. I will never be happy with anyone else.

I don't deserve to be happy with anyone else. You do. You deserve everything in the whole world, I wish I could give it to you. I wish I could be the one you wake up to every morning, the one who puts a smile on your face every second of every day. I wish I could come home to you instead of an empty place.

But this is all my fault Codi. I take full responsibility for not reaching out to you. For breaking your heart, for making you cry. I will never forgive myself. For what its worth, I will always miss you. I will always think of you, I will always love you with the all broken pieces of my heart.

Forever and always,

Love,

Liam

I pressed the letter to my chest. I bit my lip to fight back my tears but I just can't I slide down onto my bed and let it all out. I've lost him again.

Notes