Harry’s POV

Like the King said, it’s now or never… Holding my breath I start to make my way to the shore. I can’t back off now. To come clean about this has been my only thought since yesterday. I have to do it. I can’t obsess over her… I just can’t. I shove my hands into my pockets. I hope she notices me soon, as I don’t want to creep up on her. I know I probably wouldn’t scare her because of her steadiness of character, but this is a public beach and it could be anyone. I watch her closely as I approach her sideways. White semi-sheer, buttoned shirt tucked inside a pair of blue skinny jeans and keds… This is the first time I see her dressing so casual. She always preferred naked over casual during our time together… Something stirs in my stomach while she walks a bit away from me. She slightly turns to pick over her shoulder. My heart races but her pace slows down. She knows it’s me. This is almost a metaphor of us… I take a last sprint.

“Hey…” I mutter as I gain her side, looking for her eyes. She’d be surprised to find me here, as it’s pretty early and deserted.

“Hi–––Jeanne batters her lashes in a lop-sided, amused glance. I missed you yesterday.” For a second I zone out. I shake my head, dazed. Fuck, she knows I’ve been stalking her. She knows everything… A rush of heat surges my body and I can’t help but glimpse down, although we keep walking. I’m such a fool… Of course she would know about this too.

“I’m sorry–––I mumble, my gaze fixed on my feet. I just needed to be sure you were real…”

“I am real,” she states, and I turn to look at her, half shutting my eyes. She softly smiles and my heart skips a beat.

“I know–––I murmur, glancing away. That it was really you, here, in LA, and not a…” Dream… I can’t tell her that. I shake my head in frustration.

“I understand,” she says in her blithe tone, and I can’t do other than smile. She smiles me back and looks ahead, rubbing her elbow.

“I knew you would. That’s why I’m here and not up there.” I point at the car park. She must have spotted me there one of these many days; I won’t even ask when. I wonder why she didn’t tell me before. I suppose some things will never change.

“It has been sudden for me too.” She looks towards the ocean, pulling a strand of hair away from her face. “I shouldn’t have assumed you’d know about Lara and about me being in California.” She returns her gaze to me and we stare at each other for a second.

“It’s interesting how Louis can be discreet sometimes,” I ponder in a smirk, gazing ahead, as I push my hands deeper inside my pockets.

“It is–––she lightly chuckles. Although his criterion is somewhat inscrutable.”

“It is,” I chuckle too, though Louis doesn’t have such thing as a criterion. He’s a mess. “He told me now…–––I hesitate. How Lara’s birth got messy…” I don’t know if I have to bring up this issue. It has to be pretty sensitive for her.

“You could have asked me,” she speaks but not quite looking at me. The wind blows her hair and I push mine behind my ear.

“We haven’t been around to have a proper conversation…”

“You could have invited me to a cup of coffee.” She sounds so sure of her words I can’t help but scrunch my face a little.

“I didn’t know if I could do that…”

“You can,” Jeanne observes in a thoughtful way and my knees go instantly weak. She kills me… “We are working together. In less than two weeks we’ll get to see each other everyday…” She folds her arms across her chest and stares into my eyes. I can’t…

“How is the screenplay going?” I radically change the subject, looking ahead.

“I have a deadline in ten days. We have to start with the reading.” As far as I know we don’t even have a leading lady.

“And is it working?” She shrugs one shoulder, tilting her head like ‘it’s OK.’ Not to see her dead sure of something is definitely a bit strange. “Do you need an assistant?” I joke.

“You should read my novel in order to do so…”

“I did,” I state. Jeanne lightly frowns. “I like the changes, and how they first kiss in the last scene.” She laughs, throwing her head back. Yeah, it’s different than what she used to write, but I like it anyway. The way she built the story really makes you wonder if they’d get together at all. [A/N: Is this a hint?]

“Well, I can’t give you credit but I could say you helped me if they ask.” Is she considering my offer?

“You are determined to change people’s perception of me,” I observe and she grins.

“Maybe I am…” She looks away.

“Why?”

“Society is unfair with the people we idolise,” she explains, coming to glance at me once again. I’ve learnt what she’s talking about in my own flesh and bones. “We lift them up just to be able to tear them down.”

“I can’t complain–––I say. I’ve made the most of it already.” But sometimes it hurt, and I won’t deny I sulk every once in a while.

“They should know more about the other guy… The UNICEF ambassador?” She inquires, raising an eyebrow.

“You know about that…” I turn away, scratching my head casually.

“I do,” Jeanne asserts. To learn that she’s still updated on me is somehow unexpected. I thought she would have moved on to more important stuff after her research was done. “It’s not that Moscow is the end of the world. May I ask you how it happened?”

“Do you want to listen to the whole thing?” She nods once, looking at me with such interest I can’t help but shudder. “The first time we toured South Asia in 2015, I was caught up in my own issues and didn't really get in touch with the cities we visited,” I explain. She might remember it was because of her, but her expression reveals nothing. “I even managed to stay out of trouble and the rumours… But when we returned in 2016 something happened,” I choke on a bit, as I don’t really want to recall this, though I have to. “There was a guy always roaming around the hotel–––I carry on, looking into space. His behaviour was suspicious but nobody made him leave, so at some point he reached me out at the corridor… He treated me as if I was a bloody pervert…–––I groan, closing my eyes tightly and shaking my head. It was worse than disgusting… The motherfucker offered me children–––I say, unable to look at Jeanne–––no matter the gender, no matter the age. I could choose…” I throw my head forward, my hands stiffening in my pockets. I hate these memories so much. “It just horrified me, and I would have killed him if it wasn’t for Pat. Luckily the bastard didn’t press charges. But something inside of me died…” I turn to glance at her.

“Your innocence,” she says quietly, and I nod, tightening my lips.

“I had a nervous breakdown, and we had to cancel a show–––I continue, taking my gaze away from her. The next day I went out with my Leica and took photos of all the children I came across with. I wanted people to know them, at least their faces…–––I mutter. Maybe this way they would care enough to try to stop child prostitution and slavery. They needed to be awaken… It might happen at the other side of the world, but it happens, and to ignore it won’t make it go away…” I glimpse at Jeanne and she has that wounded expression I remember. “Then I learnt it happens far more closer than people expect–––I shrug, defeated. Many children are kidnapped every year in developed countries, and used to the most despicable purposes…” I glance at my feet. It’s so difficult to talk about this without getting emotional. “I put together a photo exhibition…” It was my way to cope. “UNICEF contacted me. It’s a great privilege, and a great pain.”

“Harry…–––Jeanne says and stops on her tracks, facing me, as she pulls her arms tighter around her torso. There’s something I want to tell you…” I turn to face her, taking my hands out of my pockets. “Back then…” She seems unsure.

“I wasn’t the same person I am now when I met you…” I tell her, leaning towards her a bit.

“I know, but…” She glimpses down, shaking her head.

“Do you think we could be friends?” I ask her rather quietly, and she glances up again, lightly frowning at me, the little pucker on her lips. “I mean, you know what you do to me…” I speak straight into her eyes. In all my life I’ve never reached this level of honesty with anybody else. “But maybe this time we could do things different for me not to fall in this cat-and-mouse game all over again,” I try to explain myself, as she looks at me in curiosity. God, she makes me so weak. I can barely hold her gaze… “Because you are not the same person either… You have Lara now, and I wouldn’t forgive myself if I…” I glimpse down, lost for words. How to explain this? I’m such a mess.

“We can,” Jeanne states, arms still folded across her chest. She starts to walk away and I follow her. Maybe I should have let her finish, but I got anxious. I don’t know if I’m ready to talk about the past. I don’t want her to feel sorry for me, and it was too painful.

“So this is a friendly talk…” I join her again. She nods once, pleased. “Even if it’s a bit strange I’m glad you were there for Louis when he needed someone–––I say. He shuts himself down very easily, especially with us. Things between him and El had gone bad but for some reason he struggled really hard for them to stay together.” I push my hands inside my pockets once more.

“Louis carried a lot of weight on his shoulders silently–––she remarks as she looks away. He might complain all the time but never because of the true causes.” I can’t help but chuckle. Mr. Grumble…

“I shouldn’t even be trying to explain him to you, as you know him well enough–––I shake my head. It took me years to learn that…” I glimpse at Jeanne but she gazes ahead.

“I arrived to his life in a time when he needed to open up with someone he wouldn’t perceive as a menace,” she explains serenely. I know I shouldn’t get jealous… “I’ve learnt fast. He’s an outstanding guy,” she shrugs as she glimpses at me.

“He is–––I glance down–––but I can’t call us friends anymore; maybe old acquaintances.” I shrug too, with a slight shake of my head.

“Does this bother you?”

“No–––I stutter a bit–––not now that I know you were the reason. I always thought it was because of…”

“Yes–––she cuts me off, startling me a little. Of him being your shadow. Because this is what Larry represents to him,” she states. So they have spoken about this and, therefore, about me. “You swallowed him, blurred him for other people, even those who didn’t think it was real… Suddenly not even his choices of words or songs, tattoos, looks, or girlfriends, were about him anymore.” I shake my head.

“It’s not my fault if some people find me gay,” I point out. I can’t help but get defensive at this. He has been blaming me for so long, just because I didn’t deny it enough. It was useless, but he never got it.

“He knows–––she asserts in her serious tone–––but he’s not able to deal with it. I don’t want to meddle but you should find a way to get in peace with this. He deserves it.” So she’s his advocate now… As if it has been a bed of roses for me. And you already are the third wheel, Jeanne; don’t fool yourself. I don’t know exactly how it happened but even unconsciously his mind was set to get you for himself, even when he swore under oath it was all about me. It freaking happened… But how do I tell you all this without sounding as an envious dick?

“He always cared for you…” I start to say, but as Jeanne grins lightly I know I should drop it.

“We are good friends, and Lara loves her ‘tonton’ Louis,” she pronounces his name in the French way, holding my gaze. Uncle Louis…

“Right…” I mutter, struggling not to feel too uneasy, as I glance away. For some reason this is the hardest part to handle. “I’m glad he was there to hold Lara,” I carry on. Hopefully she won’t realise how much it messes me up. Foolish illusions. “It must have been hard for you not to be able to be with her and hold her.”

“It was–––she glimpses down, her fingers tapping her arms confusedly. It changed my perception on everything…”

“Like what?” I try to stay strong, but the fact that it wasn’t me there with her kills me. Jeanne flashes me a quick glance.

“Like, control is just an illusion…–––she murmurs. Things never really happen the way we expect to.”

“Dickens–––I claim. You mentioned him once…” I could never forget that day… the day we met at the bookstore. Today reminds me a bit of that day, maybe because we are just walking around and talking… Unfortunately to me, she and Dickens were damn right.

“Have you read him?” I grin, nodding sideways. ‘Great Expectations,’ actually. She seems gladly impressed. How good it feels… “Everything went wrong–––she resumes the conversation, glancing away. I’ve never been so frightened and worried in all my life.” Now I’m the one impressed. I mean, it’s understood, but I never thought she would admit it so openly.

“I’m sorry you were alone…” I mutter, suddenly stopping dead at my spot. Jeanne turns around.

“I wasn’t alone,” she says huskily, coming to stand in front me. She lifts her chin up, and my insides melt. “Some people were with me, here…” She clutches her heart and it is as if a bolt strikes me.

“Are you happy?” I manage to speak the first words that cross my mind, bending dangerously close, as I get this urge to hold her.

“I am–––she smiles softly–––and you? Are you happy?” I can’t help but flick my gaze to her lips. God, Harry, don’t ruin it now…

“I’m happier than a few weeks ago–––I slowly admit the obvious. I have this project I believe in…” My fingers cramp inside my pockets, all my body surged by a tingling sensation. “I’m aware that something’s up, Jeanne, and you have a meeting tomorrow…” I tell her thoughtfully, desperate to feel her naked elbow. I push a hand towards her. Her lashes flutter dreamily, eyes shimmering. “I want you to know that I’ll stay with you no matter what–––I state, lightly grabbing her arm over the pulled-up sleeve. This is our thing now.”

–.–.–

Notes

This is our thing now... He said it before, referring to her PhD thesis, but I guess he only doesn't get what their thing really is. What can I say? I adore clueless Harry and I won't rush this. This chapter works side by side with the one of the stroll after the bookstore, elbow included. I had this chapter in mind when I wrote the other. I am building this coherently to their past and who they are. Nothing I ever mention is there randomly. It takes part of a bibber picture only I know. A writer is patient... I thank those who believe in my vision and have stayed with me throughout this journey.

Thank you all for reading and commenting, specially to those friends who take some of their time to help me to feel useful, in any sense. I'm here for you, as you are there for me. Hope you enjoyed the chapter. Love you all <3