Dreaming Of You // If I'm Still Dreaming

Harry’s POV

For the rest of the week I’ve been returning to Jeanne’s house at dawn to see if she’d get out again, and she did. It must be some sort of routine. I followed her to the beach and watched her walk around. No binoculars, just watching from the distance. I sent her the details for tonight and she thanked me for the sunflowers, though she told me she wasn’t sure she’d be coming, so I’m just waiting for her like a fool, a drink in my hand.

The place is pretty crowded. Everybody came, though none of the boys except Niall is here. Living in London they can’t turn their lives upside down just to come to my birthday, even if it’s my 25th birthday. Gemma couldn’t make it either because of her work. I sort of feel bad about it, but I’m glad Louis is not around, even if Jeanne finally doesn’t make an appearance. We were quite civil earlier when he greeted me over the phone, but things are odd. He held Lara in his arms even before her father did. How strange is that? He held the baby the woman I loved had with another man and decided not to tell me. What would I have done if I happened to be in his shoes? I’d probably have told him everything, then got locked inside a room and let him punch me until the rage was gone. But Louis and I are totally different people, and he managed it all the Tommo's way; that means quite suspiciously.

Ashton gestures at me from the bar, as asking me if I want another drink. I think I shouldn’t get drunk so early. I surely don’t want to be drunk if Jeanne decides to join us. Why wouldn’t she come? I know she has a baby daughter, but Lara must be sleeping already. I nervously glance towards the VIP area’s entrance. I shouldn’t get my hopes up… I mean, what’s the point? She didn’t want me four years ago. What would have changed now? Our lives changed, a lot, especially hers, though mine too, even if not in the same way… Why am I even thinking about this? Fuck, I just want to talk to her and know how she’s been doing. I’m aware of the results; Lara, the novel, Stanford, the film, but I want to learn how she got here, what she feels, if she’s all right. She told me she wants me to play Sam as she wrote it because of me, but she should know what it would bring… This; all of it… Me, waiting for her again; this bottomless hunger for everything related to her; this need to see her stabbing me on the chest each time somebody crosses the entrance, each morning when I drive across LA… But Louis is right. It would have killed me if she were doing the film with another actor. But she’s earnest and cares for me. Why does she care for me? She always cared for me, even then. She clearly wanted to spare me the hurt that day in Paris, but I was too stubborn. I need to stop overthinking this. It’s not a big deal. She’s a good person, and I don’t hold anything against her. On the contrary, I’m grateful that she shared her world with me, as it shook everything I knew. I need to stop this. She won’t even come.

I nod at Ashton and he raises his thumb at me. Debbie is clinging to him. I don’t even care if she’s finally making a move on him. I never intended anything serious with her anyway, and he will be off to tour soon. I’m glad the lads made it longer than us. Sometimes I miss being on tour, even if back then it was exhausting. It was fun for a while. But solo it’s not quite near the same, or at least that’s what Niall and Liam say all the time. Ashton and Debbie start to make their way over. She’s hot, but she’s so obvious. She once told me she wanted to do a threesome with us. Come on, I have better ideas for threesomes. I put my glass away and Ashton hands me my new drink. Debbie slides by my side and runs an arm around my neck.

“Can I have a birthday kiss?”

“It should be me telling you this…” I retort quietly at her, slightly shaking my head.

“I’m just reading your mind…” She says, and Ashton snorts and turns around. I watch him taking a few steps away from us. Debbie encircles me with her other arm, and pushes her body against mine, making me stumble. My drink almost slips from my hand. I look her in the eyes. She’s coming closer and for some reason I don’t feel like fighting. She smirks and presses her lips onto mine. I reluctantly move my hand to her waist as she swirls her tongue inside my mouth, kissing me quite eagerly.

“Harry!” I hear Ashton’s voice sounding very near. I should open my eyes, but you don’t do that when you are kissing someone if it’s not to look at the person. “Look who’s here!” No fucking way.

I glance in his direction in desperation as I pull away from Debbie, pushing her aside maybe a bit too roughly. Jeanne looks up at me, tucking her hair behind her ear. It can’t be possible. How can she arrive right at this moment? I should say something. I wipe my mouth with the back of my hand. Say something, Harry. Anything…

“Happy birthday…”

“Indeed,” she smiles. God, I’m an idiot.

“This is my friend Deborah,” I mumble. Why am I introducing them? Debbie glares at me but forces a grin, lifting her hand. Jeanne lifts her hand too, but with the most serene expression on her face. Why is this happening to me? I don’t even like Debbie anymore. I’m such an ass. Luckily she got offended so she turns around and walks away. “You came…” I manage to mutter at Jeanne. I can’t believe she’s here. Why am I this unlucky bastard?

“I thought I could use a drink,” Jeanne shrugs one shoulder quite playfully. I glimpse at Ashton. He’s shamelessly devouring her with his stare. Of course he would remember her. Jeanne is not the kind of woman you easily forget, even though I did, twice, but not the last time… Not everyone is a fool like I am, and he saw her naked at that exhibition in Philadelphia.

“I’ll bring you whatever you want,” he intervenes cheekily. Fuck, he’s stealing all my moves. “Ask me to pull down the moon for you…” Great, she already has a slave. I can’t help but roll my eyes.

“A Vodka Martini would be enough… With two olives,” she says. I know that demure look, and the hand to the hair, even if it’s shorter.

“Right away,” Ashton grins and leaves us to get her drink. Jeanne looks back at me. What is she thinking? She just saw me kissing another girl.

“I’m not…” I try to articulate some explanation for my behaviour, but knowing Jeanne she might not even be expecting one. “She’s not… We’re not…” I gesture to the sides with my finger.

“Jeanne, you made it!” Niall exclaims, interrupting my rambling. I don’t know whether to be grateful for his timing or simply hate him. As he kisses her on the cheek Erica appears behind him.

“I want to introduce you some friends–––she says, throwing an arm around Jeanne’s neck to greet her. They’ve read your book too…” They talk a bit to each other’s ear, as the music is quite loud. Before walking away Jeanne flashes me one last glimpse I’m unable to read. I look at her, frozen on my spot. Fuck, her dress is backless, and as I watch closely the subtle motion of her muscles I can feel my palms getting sweatier. The touch of her skin… It returns to my brain as a punch. I just want to run my fingertips along her back so badly… God, stop it, Harry.

“What happened, mate?–––Niall interrupts my thoughts. It looks like you’ve seen a ghost.” I shake nervously, my eyes still fixed on her naked back.

“Jeanne found me kissing Debbie…”

“What?–––he snaps, giggling. Wasn’t it over?”

“It is, but she just kissed me.” I take a large sip of my drink, fixated on Jeanne in the distance. God, it burns. Years go by and I’m still like a little girl at drinking.

“Are you trying to get Jeanne jealous?–––he teases me, an elbow to my ribs to make me react. Because she doesn’t seem the type…” I turn to glare at him.

“Again, Niall?–––I complain. What type is she?” He cackles silently, probably remembering I almost beat the crap out of him in Philadelphia just because of this.

“That type…–––he points towards her. Even when she has a two-year-old daughter…” I notice a clique of guys suddenly gathered behind her, practically drooling, and a rush of heat surges my whole body. God, she looks so good in that fitted, white dress, greeting everyone so kindly. Why does she have to be like this? She’s so… nice.

“Where is she? I have her drink…” Ashton appears at my side, confusedly glancing around. I can’t help but glare at him. Niall playfully slaps his cheek and points towards Jeanne again. Ashton turns to look at her and grins devilishly. He wouldn’t dare.

“Don’t even think about it,” I grumble, but he’s not even paying attention to me.

“You missed that train a long ago,” he retorts. I know he wouldn’t dare… He’s supposed to be my friend.

“Ashton, don’t be an asshole–––Niall decides to step in. She’d chew you up and spit you out,” he claims as if it was an obvious matter. She would, but I don’t even want for him to try. A hand on my shoulder makes me bounce. Why am I so jumpy tonight?

“Hey, Harry,” Jeff says as he holds me with one arm and taps my back. “Happy birthday, pal–––he whispers. Have you checked the media?”

“I’ve been busy all day…” Lies. The truth is I try to avoid it. I’ve never been fond of my image in the media, even if the ridiculous sexualisation I’ve been subjected to went down a while ago. Apparently I’m not that desirable anymore so I’m not fucking everything that breathes, and not everyone standing two meters away from me is fucking me.

“20th Century Fox released the press note today, to make it coincide with your birthday–––he explains. The response is unbelievable…” He looks excited. I’m just too nervous because of what happened to focus on his words. “Some rumors have spread though, so we have a meeting on Monday–––he carries on. You don’t have to be there.” Fuck. I bet now that I’m involved someone remembered the synaesthetic genius. Directioners have a hell of a good memory.

“What is she doing?” I hear Ashton talking to Niall.

“Is that Jeanne?” Jeff blurts as he turns around to see what is all about.

“Yes…” I mumble, glimpsing down. She took a great risk involving me in her project. I could ruin everything.

“She’s dancing,” Ashton giggles, patting Niall’s shoulder. No shit, genius. “Jesus Christ, she’s a goddess.” I glance at him, dejected. I’m not in the mood to bear his attitude. I look back at Jeanne. Why does she do this to me? She’s back to back with Erica, slowly swinging her hips down to the rhythm of this awful, techno pop song. What the hell are they playing? It sounds like one of those bad, nineties summer’s hits back in Europe… She loves all this shitty music. “Don’t worry, Niall–––he jokes. I’m not checking on your future wife.” Niall glares at him. It was thoroughly known that Ashton crushed on Erica a while ago. Niall never really got over it.

“She has been in Hollywood for a week and everybody wants to bang her,” Jeff remarks. What is he talking about? Who’s ‘everybody’? And what about that choice of words?

“She’s a mum,” I assert.

“Who cares?–––Ashton lets out mockingly. Mums have needs too.” When did he turn into a second version of Louis? He’s trying my nerves too much. He winks an eye at me and walks up to Jeanne, followed by Niall. My blood boils through my veins, but he just politely hands her the drink and moves aside. I exhale loudly.

“You should be happy, Harry–––Jeff tells me. You got such a desired role. Everybody wanted to play it…” Yes, Logan Lerman, Dylan O’Brien, Ezra Miller… But I couldn’t care less about it right now. I know I should say something before that meeting. He’s my manager and I can’t keep him in the darkness. It’s too important. “Your Twitter exploded today–––he continues, unaware that I’m practically ignoring him–––but you don’t seem to care. What’s going on with you?”

“Her.” I point at Jeanne with my glass.

“You want to bang her,” he chuckles.

“I don’t want to bang her!–––I complain. We met before.” Jeff stops dead and scrunches his face at me. “I was in love with her but she rejected me back in 2015–––I explain. Her novel was once a Fan Fiction about me, but nobody knows about it except the boys and Gemma.” There was no way I could keep it from my sister, though I decided not to tell Mum about it and about the picture basically because she never mentioned Jeanne again. I’ll have to speak about the film now, though I managed to avoid it today.

“What?” He snaps, puzzled. I shrug. “You should have told me.”

“I was in shock…” Jeff goes silent, looking into space.

“So casting you is a publicity move?” He ponders after a second.

“Of course not. I’m the one whose career is going down the drain–––I shake my head. She won’t admit it but I know her, and she’s trying to help me…”

“Well, this is getting interesting–––he claims in a dubious tone. So she was a fan…”

“It’s more complicated than just that–––I say. She wasn’t… She was researching about me for her PhD. She’s a Doctor…” He seems dazed. “In fact she’s a Doctor in me, because I’ve learnt that when you get a PhD you specialise in the topic you researched, so she specialised in me…” I giggle. Consolation prize or not, but I’ve always felt cheeky about this.

“Did you bang her?” He squints at me.

“Does it really matter?”

“You are making a movie together!–––he exclaims, losing his patience. Of course it matters!”

“Change the verb then…” His jaw drops.

“Did you sleep with her?” He asks in astonishment. I nod once, lightly biting my lower lip, and he turns to glimpse at Jeanne, who’s wiggling her shoulders to the beat, though he immediately pats my back. “I never thought I would say this but you are my idol.” I can’t help but roll my eyes at him. Why are they all so flustered? “Call me old dog, but I feel 20th Century is behind those rumors somehow…” Old dog, old fox, and wary Jack the lad, and I’d still fall short. “Do you still want the part?”

“More than ever–––I state. I’m not leaving her alone if things get messy and her career becomes jeopardised because of me.”

“God willing, it will all work out,” he says, pinching my cheek. I’m glad I did this. He would have murdered me if he were the last to know. “Are you planning on winning her back…?”

“What do you think?” I retort, placing my drink in his hand and walking away towards Jeanne and the rest. I push past the obnoxious guys, sliding by her side though she hasn't noticed my presence. I slowly move my hand near the small of her back. I could touch her… I’ve touched her far more than this, but I can’t touch her now. I’m not allowed. I glance down at her soft back as I just keep my hand there. Her body twitches and she suddenly turns to look at me over her shoulder. Did I touch her unknowingly? I quickly pull my hands behind my back. I think I didn’t. I would have some sort of sensory memory. “You look beautiful…” I whisper out of the blue, leaning forward a bit, drawn to her familiar scent.

“Thank you,” she mutters, and she flicks her gaze up and down, checking me out. I beam. “You look fine yourself…” She grimaces, and I realise how much I have been missing that pucker.

“How’s Lara?” I murmur to her ear, suddenly bolder.

“Fast asleep,” she says, stretching her body up to talk closer to me. Her warm breath fans my chin and I can’t restrain a shiver. “I have to be home soon. I woke up very early…” I know that. “But I wanted to take my mind out of the screenplay, to see Erica and to greet you…” I hear her, but all I can think about is how badly I want to feel her ear and her hair, and her hands on my chest…

“You get along very well…” I squirm, distraught. My freaking senses are craving her touch.

“Very well…–––she repeats, smiling broadly. She’s amazing.” She is. Niall is lucky to have her, but mainly because the woman he loves loves him back… I look deep into Jeanne’s eyes. Luckily I’ve learnt to shut my mouth and didn’t say that out loud; otherwise I would have sounded extremely bitter.

Before I could tell her how happy it makes me I catch a glimpse of Ashton walking backwards. Jeanne moves closer to offer me her ear but her motion speeds up as he bumps into her, pushing her against me. I feel her lips grazing up along my chin to come to brush the corner of my mouth. My lower belly aches. I notice I instinctively grabbed her by the elbows. As I help her to regain her balance our eyes lock but my heart can’t hold it, so I violently lift up my gaze.

“Sorry, guys–––my friend Ashton claims in a smirk. It wasn’t intentional.”

–.–.–

Notes

Well, well, well, things are getting complicated with the novel and the film! Hollywood isn't a bed of roses, and neither this story... Poor Harry though. He doesn't seem to be able to get a minute of peace xD Hope you enjoyed the mess of this chapter! Only God knows what's waiting for him in the next one...

Thank you so much to everyone who's reading this. Each and every view, vote, subscription, message or comment, really means a lot to me. There were and are certain times when I think I won't be able to accomplish the project this story represents to me, and then you remind me you are here with me and it makes all the difference. Special thanks to brainstorming's sister, my wonderful KAOT :) Love you all <3