LOST AND STILL FINDING(larry stylinson)
Fuck! It's fucking driving me off the edge and I'm loving it. I haven't felt like this ever. As Harry's tongues drags across my shoulder blade to my neck to my jaw and then on my lips, it's too fucking wild for me to get into my system. But it is happening because my blue balls aren't just blue they're fucking blue and I can't come because that's what he ordered me? Ain't it? Yes he did.
My legs are wrapped around his waist as water from the shower keeps falling on his shoulders and it's getting slippery by every second but it's not surprising how strong and muscly he is. It's not. I can't even touch myself right now as I'm backed against the wall by him and all he's been doing from the past twenty minutes is tease me and I'm going insane by every minute that passes by. I get my hand to touch myself. I hold my boner in my hand and he quickly spanks my arm. "Don't do that!" He seems a bit annoyed. But I repeat again like he's only in my imagination and not a reality because how this be a reality so early? How could this even happen?
I hold my dick again and start moving my hand upwards and downwards slowly. "Fuck!" The pit in my stomach seems to have deepen. I groan and it somehow seems that I'm no longer in his arms rather I'm lying in the bathtub, squirming. I haven't yet opened my eyes and this is what I feel.
"You want to touch yourself, right?" His voice echoes in the bathroom, "let me watch how you do it" something inside me hits so hard that for a second I can't feel my breath, it's like it's too much heat inside this bathroom, too much fog. But it doesn't matter because I'm still fucking hard and now it's hurting because I can't help. So I go faster with the movements on my dick. The pressure of Harry staring at me while I'm still on my way of cumming, is too much.
"Ah! Fuck!!" I groan again, the heat gathered around me is too much right now. I wish I could just stand under cold shower and get off but it feels like somethings got me trapped inside. It's just Harry's face that wanders around in front of me and how his thick toned thighs could wrap around me perfectly.
"Touch yourself Lou. I know you're good at that" his hoarse voice is an add on to my already edging and blowing up position.
For a moment my arm seems to have faultered it's fast moves. It's aching but nothing more than this throbbing member in my hand. I resume it's rubbing again, harder even. Maybe I'll just need a few harder movements against it and that'll be it and then i'll be lying in his arms where he quietly pets me. but maybe imagining this, was it. I feel my insides contracting and fuck, I shoot off. I moan ever so loudly I never knew I could. Maybe I screamed or maybe I squirmed I don't know but I screamed something's probably his name and immediately my eyes shot open. I'm out of breath but I haven't got my senses back.
"Fuck!" I remember now. Harry left after the shower and I went in next. Fuck! Harry wasn't ever here in the bathroom. It was me imagining him. Fuck! I pull my hair. Fuck! I masturbated at him. Fuck!!
And there's a hard knock at the door, "how long are you going to take? Niall is already here.." Fuck he startled me. Shit! I don't even know the difference between sweat and water anymore. Shit. It's all so steamy inside. I stand up, my thighs still in the awe of Harry's tongue all over me. They're still weak and I cant stand without holding the curtain. Shit. I need to clear my head otherwise I can't be with Harry like this. My head has been revolving around Harry's body a lot more than usual and it's getting very unbearable. Fuck!
"I'll be out in a minute!" I shout back.
"Okay. Hurry up though!" He shouts back.
I wipe myself off. If you ask me I'm still a bit turned on and it's going to make me very uncomfortable to be around Harry.
I wrap the towel around my waist and walk out. I wear whatever clothing I find and walk out the room.
"Finally you're here!" Niall welcomes me near the kitchen.
I smile at him and walk into the kitchen as Harry's pouring down juice in a glass and there's a cheese and lettuce sandwich on a plate. "Good morning" he bends down to kiss me on the cheek.
"I thought we already had a good morning? Didn't we?" I ask him frowning.
"It wasn't the nicest ones"
"Okay. Good. It's good then.." I say as he hands me the glass of juice and sandwich, "thanks...it's good you've made breakfast. I warned you I was going to force feed you"
He laughs, "how so nice of you!" he's about to roll his eyes at me but he doesn't. He's too Harry to do that.
"Whose force feeding who?" Niall enters in.
"I am" I answer. "He didn't want to have anything because of his upset stomach so I told him if he didn't have something he'd be force fed by me"
"Okay. Nice idea." he chimes, "..coming to what we're gathered here for..." Niall continues, "first thing we do when we get out of here is buy you guys your suits, like the matching one's Harry and the other mates will be wearing. Um..Louis do you wanna join in the matching suit concept or do you want something different?" he asks me and I shrug sipping on my glass of juice.
"I don't know, whatever goes with the theme?" I say unsure.
"Nothing special then? I mean tell me before hand so we don't have to discuss in front of the salesman. It's kinda unpleasant.."
"I told you.." I gulp in my sandwich bite, "anything that suits your theme, would be perfectly fine"
"Okay then. After that we buy my tuxedo. We don't want preoccupied minds deciding my suit that is why we do it at last. Is that fine by you guys?"
"Absolutely. Its good" Harry says, smiling.
"Yeah..fine by me. But one thing. " I have this question in my head.
"Niall, why am I not paying for my own suit or whatever we're buying for me? Am I not supposed to?" Seriously though. I haven't spent a lot on my self lately and I feel like I should do it. Anyways, why would he pay for me. I'm not like the one whose his best mate and stuff. I'm just an acquaintance.
"Well it's not something like a ritual or anything. If you feel like paying for it, not a problem"
"Sure then! I'll pay for my own suit." But believe me I'm not even sure about how expensive the are going to go with this. Will my card cover this shit?
I take the last bite of my sandwich and Niall's phone starts wringing. "Excuse me guys! Gotta take this.." he looks at the screen and walks out of the kitchen.
There's just Harry and I. I hope I can keep my stuff in my pants. His arm suddenly snakes around my waist as I'm leaning against the kitchen slab. "Why is your face still flushed? You look flushed more than ever.." he asks standing just beside me and for a moment my breath didn't just hitch, my heart skipped a beat too.
"My face? What happened to it?" I scoff. Maybe it's because he's standing so close to me, that's why.
"It's so red." He extends his arm and lightly lays his palm on my cheek, "you're so warm right now" he says it like he just discovered a gem or a box of gold or something.
"I don't know, maybe it's just the temperature outside...summer is here!!" I gulp down my juice in a single sip. Fuck? Why am I so nervous around him all of a sudden? It's getting all weird. Shit! I shouldn't be like this around him, I'm supposed to be comfortable around him. That is what I always asked from him.
"Are you okay?" he asks as his thumb lightly brushes my cheek. I can't even maintain an eye contact with him right now. I can look everywhere but at him. He's standing so close to me that if he moved an inch nearer I would just have to part my thighs to give him space.
"Okay?!" I scoff laughing, keeping the glass and plate aside, "I'll be in a few minutes I guess"
"Why, what's wrong?" I wish Niall could just barge in and save me from this conversation.
"Nothing's wrong.." I roll my eyes, "maybe it's just the side effects from last night..." His face falls and he steps back a little.
Fuck! I shouldn't have said that. I can't be around him like this. My body is too heated up in the moment to let me think properly. I shouldn't have just said what I did. My brain is preoccupied in stuff which this moment or situation does not need. I can't do this to him when he's trying to cope up from things that he's been dwelling on. I cannot do this to him right now. "Maybe I just shouldn't go.." I mumble looking down at my feet.
"Why?!" I hear Niall speak, "everyone is going and no one's staying back until and unless they're dying..." He seems so angry all of a sudden, frustrated I must say rather than angry. Angry is a strong word.
"Yeah. I'll go. I'm sorry."
"That's good, then. Let's leave. We're getting late by every minute that's passing..."
His arm stays at my waist. He shifted a little away but didn't remove his arm.
I've never been into such an expensive tuxedo shop where all they do is follow you at each step as you glance through the clothing on display. Why are they so irritating?
"What do you think seems fine for your suit, finally?" Niall asks Harry as he' standing with his arms crossed at his chest and is scrutinizing every piece of suit that's on display. It's been half an hour since he's been doing that.
"I think that white one"
"That's like pure white." Niall doubts. Seriously whites on wedding? Nope. You gotta eat on weddings. But I guess Harry's the one who can be all glamorous and eat the same time. He definitely can be.
"That's pearl white, Niall..plus it's got those sequins at the collar and black outlines on the sides. I think it going to look different and elegant and matching with what your theme is. What do you think?" I like how he's put his choice in front when he's completely decided with what he's chosen bht he's still asking for Niall's advice and opinion on it. He knows everyone's opinion matters and this time especially Niall's. "What do you say, Louis?" He turns to me.
"Uum..I think it's best for your height and stuff. It's going to look good on you" I say
"Yes. I think that too. If you're okay with it then I guess it's fine!" Niall exclaims almost.
"Then I think for the other mates, we can get the same pieces. I think it'll work."
"No. You're my best man, yours is supposed to stand out." Niall is so particular about it and I think he's been doing great.
"We can just remove the sequin stuff then. Keep the whole thing as it is."
"Yeah we can do that..and for you Louis. What do you think? "
"I think I'll go with what everyone else is wearing. I mean if that's not a problem. I can go with the white ones without the sequins. I think that'll be fine. Plus I'm paying so I don't think I have any penny extra to spare on this"
"Off to my suit"
We returned earlier than we thought we would. Niall's wedding is in 6 days and I think Harry seems to be more hyped up than Niall himself is.
Gemma seems to have sent me a text. This is the first time I'm checking my phone only because it just connected to the wifi, "Did you receive a text from Gemma?" I ask Harry, who has wandered off to the kitchen.
"Yeah...she's off with the bride." He comes out drinking directly from the bottle.
"Oh okay. I received the same text" I shrug.
"Is there something wrong?" He asks so casually, taking sips from his bottle, eyeing me sideways.
"You still seem so fazed out. Your skin is still flushing and every time I walked past you, you seemed to have stepped away. Is there something disturbing you?"
He walks back into the kitchen. He never got so casual with such topics and now he is being and it's kinda weird. "It must've been the outside temperature. I told you I'm not so much of a fan of the heat. It's just that." I follow him in.
"Is that right?" He looks like he's not making eye contact with me. He opens the fridge and takes out a beer can and hands me a bottle of apple juice. I thought he was not going to drink anymore.
"What are you doing?" I stand in front of him. I should be angry at him, like not angry angry but just angry.
"That's a beer can"
"You said you weren't going to drink anymore"
"Yes I did. But it's the last can, what do I do?" He's never been like this. This is not Harry
"This is a first" I raise my eyebrow at him
"What's a first now?" He whines
"You being mean"
"Oh well! I can be very mean sometimes" he scoffs. Well that's proved now.
"You don't have to be mean to me!"
"Awww..." He looks at me his eyes crinkling, "did I upset you Lou?" His hands travel to my shoulder after he keeps the beer can aside. Fuck! He didn't have to touch me like that. Every time we share an eye contact all that flashes in front of me are the images of his naked body wrapped around my naked body and the heat of my skin right now is burning on me.
"No!" I step back very little. "No you did not"
"You're doing it again"
"What am I doing?" I retort.
"Stepping away from me" his face turns serious, "are you scared of me Louis?"
"Scared?" Oh my god! If he's thinking that it's him and I'm scared of him. "No!" I say, my mind finally understanding what he meant. "No Harry, I'm not scared of you. Why would I be scared of you?"
"Just maybe because I was raped or something and you somehow feel unsafe with me." I've never heard the exact word from his mouth and now when he says it, it feels real. He shrugs his face turning a weird kind of upset and it's heartbreaking to watch him be like that.
"Why are you saying all that? I'm sorry if you feel like that. I'm sorry I made you feel things of that sort. I ..i never...I would never....Harry I would die before I ever do that to you...Harry I'm so sorry that things happened to you and all the people out there made you feel things that you never deserved to feel and I'm sorry on there behalf and my behalf and I would never. My heart aches for you every time the thought crosses my head of the pain you went through all your life. I'm sorry-"
"Don't be sorry for other people. They were monsters. We both have each other for a very limited time, so let's just make it worthwhile?"
"Forever don't exist, you know." It's lovely how he can be so mean and soft at the same time and for a second their I got so worried and tensed and if he hadn't stopped me mid sentence I might've cried right then.
"Don't be mean again"
"Then talk about what you're feeling sometimes. Not just like keep looking at me for answers. Talk. It's healthier, believe me. I'm always here to listen to you. Anything. I'll listen to any kind of stuff you want to say. Even if you think it's annoying just talk it out with me. You used to talk so much back when you first started staying here and I thought when does this dork shut up? But then you cried in front of me and everything changed"
"My crying changed everything?" That's surprising.
He nods, "Yup"
"That's so dumb" I frown at him.
"You wanna go upstairs?"
"To the bar?"
"No terrace. It's only 6. We can watch the sunset and then you can keep talking and I'll listen and we can order pizza and coke. There's still time for dinner" fucking cheezy master.
"We can have pizza lying down on the bed too. Just a suggestion" I shrug
"C'mon. The terrace is much better"
"Let me change at least"
"I'll be up then. "
There's nothing in this world I'll ever want more than Louis sitting beside me watching the sunset. Even though it's barely visible behind the roof tops.
"I thought our relationship was special. Like we never went on dates, had this conversation where you'd brush your fingers over my knuckles by mistake or have this weird and awkward moment where you'd touch my leg underneath the table and all the cliche stuff like kissing on sunsets and stuff. I still don't know what your favorite color is or what's your favorite dish. But every now and then you do all this cheezy and sappy stuff which wants me to think otherwise" he's sitting beside me his legs dangling from the stone slab we're seated on while he's wearing my T-shirt and his face is reflecting the sunlight that's hitting his cheeks. It's lovely to watch his faint dimples dig in.
"Do you want to be the cliche couple? We can start again" I giggle.
"I don't want to though. I like it how we're here. How we reached here. The way we found each other while we were both lost. I don't want to change anything"
"So that means you like my cheezy stuff, don't you?"
"You think my crying changed everything and you like it. We can keep each other's secrets like that."
"But I was serious when I said I didn't cry in front of strangers. It was very embarrassing for me" he pats his thigh with his tiny hands and that's when I notice he's wearing my baggy tshirt and booty shorts which fit him like half thigh length shorts.
"I know" I snake my arms around his waist and he rests his head on my shoulders, "it was very embarrassing for me to have screamed at you yesterday. I shouldn't have"
"Can I tell you something?" He nuzzles in.
"I didn't read your file completely" he says sheepishly.
"I don't want to. I get scared of things which I don't know how to handle. I didn't know what I would do if I got to see something that I wouldn't be able to handle so I didn't. "
"Till where did you read?"
He trying to hide his smile, "The part where it said you have four nipples" he laughs uncontrollably.
"You little shit!" I nudge him and he continues to giggle.
"You're doing the cliché stuff again." He complains.
"You brought me up here to watch the sunset and then you're making me giggle. It's all cliché" he shrugs.
"Then what do you want to talk about?"
"Pain, I guess" he looks at me, "it's cliché all the way but it's still gives you this feeling of personal. It's gives you something to own. To label it however you want. Isn't it that way?" Sometimes he talks so intellectually he makes me forget it's the same Louis he giggles at the sound of four nipples. "But I don understand it somehow" he shakes his head.
"Because you can't romanticize pain. All romantic is cliché. Pain and hurt cannot be romantic. They're apart, total opposites of each other and if someone does that, they're wrong. We've both been through things and experiences which doesn't need to compared to love in any form. I cannot compare my pain to yours or yours to mine. It's wrong. If we acknowledge love we also need to acknowledge pain."
"What about the part where the hero saves a damsel in distress? Isn't that pain and romance?"
"That's what's wrong. We're all born free. Free of labels, free of titles. Our life experiences is what gives meanings to it. What we are today is the result of decisions we've made in the past, the decisions we keep making every single second to move on or not. No one's born a hero, no one's ever a damsel. It's all about who shows the courage and the strength in the hours of need. "
"Then why do people hate family even when at end, family always come to the rescue? Why do people run away?" I get it how he's trying to find answers for himself, how he's trying to understand himself.
"Hate is a strong word. No one hates families. It's just when you're fifteen to eighteen or nineteen years of age you're aggressive, all you want to do is capture the world and make it yours. One does everything to get that. Some succeed some don't and who don't blame everyone they can. Sooner or later they realize."
"People still run away to strange places and meet strangers and then feel like that is all they missed all their life. Why do people do that?"
"Because it's human nature. Think about it, it's human psychology where one needs to feel the satisfaction of a stranger trusting them or them trusting a stranger completely. It's completely satisfying when you see that the stranger, even when they know absolutely nothing about you, they'd still give a chance, they'd still try to understand what you want to say and they'd still try to relate even when they understand nothing about it. They risk it all even when they're not sure what they're risking. It's that satisfaction which humans crave for. Because we want someone who we can be our weakest with and not feel so. That our vulnerability isn't taken advantage of but taken care of" isn't that what normal people crave for all their lives?
He gets silent. Like he's thinking it over. This isn't my Buddha advice, this is just what normal people crave for or for that matter every single being living on this planet.
"You should be a poet" he speaks up and when I look at him he's smiling.
"I write songs Louis."
"That's not a poet" he frowns.
"That's a next level poet. I add music to poetry."
"And I'm in love with a poet" he blushes.
I nudge him lightly."Because you're the poem" that's very honest of him.
"You're such a dork sometimes and I want to be away from you because of that but then I remember who is going to cook me food and then I stay."
"So I'm like your chef?"
"More like boyfriend+chef"
"Will you answer me this one question truthfully?"
"What was the first thing that came to your head when I told you about my violation?" It has been roaming in my head from yesterday and I have to ask him.
"I wanted the earth to swallow me whole in that moment, like a crocodile"
"I didn't wanna spend another second on this godamn planet where I saw you visibly hurting so much that I wanted to end everything in that moment. I was so angry and I'm still angry"
"You never asked me the story"
"I don't wanna know." He shrugs casually.
"I've never talked about this to anyone. I've never told anyone this myself."
"Well do you want to? I mean if you don't mind"
"See that? You don't have to be careful with me all the time. You can be rough, I like rough. I like it when you're blunt. You don't have to treat me like a pity case. You don't have to look at me everytime like I need attention. No! I'm fine with you're sass and bluntness and smug dialogues. I love that about you. Don't hide yourself underneath a layer which changes you. Don't do that"
He sniffs and kisses my arm. "There's a little secret about me"
"I've never pet an animal"
"Oh my God! What?" I turn to him and he hides his face behind my arm, "I can't believe this"
"You have to. It's my top secret. Never told this to anyone. They'd probably laugh at me" he mumbles.
"Not a single dog or a cat?"
"Not even a pet bird"
"Like negative zero"
"Shit Louis. It's the loveliest thing a human can do to them. It's so lovely."
"You don't have to tease me now, don't make me feel like a fool"
"I'm not teasing. It's just when you tell me such little things about yourself it feels real. This thing we have between us makes both of us real in the now and it's nice to feel that. It's nice to feel that our struggle was worth it at the end"
"Well it is real then. Isn't it? Too real for us to even imagine." He scoffs. He's just like that. He props his chin up at my shoulder, pouts a little when I look at him, as the fading sunlight shines his cheek bones and his eyelashes, they've always fascinated me.
I kiss him gently. You know it. You know it when he wants to be kissed. He never asks for it but he'll show you and you have to notice it because in that moment you cannot not kiss him. You cannot miss it for yourself and you cannot miss it for him.
"Are you still angry for what Sandy and Calvin did?"
"I don't know really. Its like there are times when it crosses my head and I get furious and upset for a while but then it turns into normal somehow. But yes of course there was a time I was very angry."
"At myself first and then them. And I'm still angry at the world for taking away Carl from me. No one understood this. No one was ever proud of my achievements except Carl. And he left. He left me alone in this world. How could he have done that? Every person I ever loved with all my heart left me here alone. I didn't get to kiss goodbye. I didn't get to be a part of their lives for a while. I didn't get them when I needed them. I don't even remember how my father looked like, you know. Photos don't mean shit. I do not recognize him in person. I grew up learning to shave from youtube. Because of all this I was a difficult teen. I was irritated and annoyed all the time. I had no option but to stay. Stay for my family. I couldn't just leave and be it. I couldn't be my father. I couldn't be Carl. I couldn't be my friends. I couldn't leave just born children without their only elder brother."
"Don't be upset. You did all you could and you had a life of your own Louis, you had to live your way. It's fine now. Everything's fine now."
"I know. But I'll say this till the day I die that 'My mum is a strong mum’. She took her responsibility seriously, all the time. She raised six children while having no one to support her emotionally or financially. That is not a joke and she did it."
"That's something to be proud of"
"Yeah.." he shifts closer his arm wrapping around my waist.
The silence of the traffic moving down on the road is soothing. It's darker than before here and the wind that's blowing is cooler. It's lovely to feel the breeze through my hair. It's comfortable here sitting with him.
Isn't this all he ever wanted? All he ever needed? To be as comfortable as we can be together. The comfortable of the comfortablest, though that's not even a word but you get it, right?
"Was it someone you knew?" He asks quietly and he's still careful with what he's asking me.
"Yes. In 90% of the cases it's someone who you know..."
"Is that why you cut?" He asks breathing sharply, "Wait! Don't even answer that. That's a stupid question"
"It's not a stupid question. It just has an obvious answer"
"There's an additional thing to it. I cut more times than I should've done was because in the beginning of it-"
"It went on for 3 days"
"Do you remember everything?"
"Clear as day"
"You were saying"
"So in the beginning of it, the first time he did it, I didn't know what was happening the most part of it. I froze. I still don't know why my brain did what it did. I still don't have answers to it for myself. And when I recovered from it, the whole medical thing, I tried to not think about it but I was living alone. Everywhere I looked I found myself staring back at me. I resisted in the few months I shifted here. I tried to do everything else that could stop me from self harm but it's blurry as to when it happened because I was drunk probably, I woke up on the kitchen floor, with my vomit on me and dried blood on the floor. I regret it till date as to why I did it. "
"You had reasons"
"Doesn't justify it. Does it?"
"Right. It continued till you know when. There was a time I didn't look at myself for whole three months. I didn't walk out the apartment for three weeks. But then the doctor called my sister and they assigned me a nurse. I was supposed to be healed by then and instead I downgraded my health. After a few months of nursing, my sister came back and for a moment I felt like finally I had someone to hold onto. Do you know the first thing she did when she saw me after almost a year?"
"She slapped me. Right across my face, in the gallery. It stung so bad, I thought I lost my tooth or something. She screamed at me for taking my life for granted. She was so angry, she didn't talk to me even though she stayed a room away. But then later in the week she hugged and kissed me and cried. That was the first time I ever saw her cry, as a younger brother. She's very difficult at times but she's very lovely. I think if it wasn't for her I would not be here. "
"Don't say that"
"No it's true. I was very angry one day and I ran out of my apartment when she scolded me for drinking a beer can. No exact reason for it. Anger to me came in flashes so it was always in parts. I went to the bar. I drank as much as I could and as much he offered me. I got high later. I was so dizzy I couldn't see clearly, anything in front of me was barely visible, forget about the road. The traffic lights were all blurry. I hadn't thought it through but everything was flashing in front of me. Every guys' face. Everything that had happened with me in the three days flashbacked in front of me and in that moment I wanted to die. I felt as if I had no other reason to be alive. I didn't want feel anything in the moment. So I stood at the zebra crossing waiting for a fast moving car to cross even though I couldn't see clearly. I stepped onto middle of the the road..I could hear the sound of cars moving, then I stepped forward once more and I car crossed right across my face and I heard my sister calling me to step back but I thought it was just me...but then she pulled me back and for a second I thought I had died and went to heaven because everything went silent. I woke up in the hospital two days later "
"Because being drunk and high was working against my healing. They had to take it out of my system." I breath in, "this sounds so dramatic, doesn't it? All this drama I did, all for nothing at the end of it. I was still miserable when you found me..."
He laughs all of a sudden. It's like a jolt of laughter, "why are you laughing?" I frown when I ask him.
"Sorry but I'm laughing at myself" he continues his giggling, "I just thought of something"
"And what is it?"
"It's just... I wanted to walk out the door one day because at a point in time I was so tired of constantly taking off your shoes and getting you to bed and giving you the pills in the morning that I couldn't make it a routine and I needed to be away. But now..." He chuckles shaking his head, "that's one of the things I love about you and that's all I wanna do the rest of my life. "
"You love that you had to take off my shoes and help a drunk to bed?" He's so cute sometimes and I wanna keep in a bubble of love all the time but I get it, it could be suffocating.
"That's supposedly called taking care of someone"
"You like taking care of me?" Aww. He likes that.
"No. All I like about that part is, that although you look like this giant image of a greekgod, all these curls, fascinating and that stunning v-line, you're still human and that you have feelings, although sometimes those feelings take a toll .." he chuckles at the end. Fuck me!
"Do you consider yourself a human?"
"Babe, I consider myself more than a human" be gives me a witty smile. He called me babe. "more than a human but less than a god, probably. I'm a demigod" he chuckles hard, like he's laughing at himself for even thinking this, "I'm that demigod, like in Moana, I don't remember his name. I'm that"
I laugh at what he's saying because it's funny and unbelievable at the same time, "have you watched the movie?"
"Nope. Just saw the trailers"
"Do you want to watch it?"
"Of course online. We can be in bed, like you wanted and then have our pizza there?"
He giggles, "the cliché thing?" He looks at me, "it's nice, let's do it. Our first movie.." He hops down the slab.
I follow him as I get down too. Sometimes it's just lovely and I get it now. Whatever Dr. Sabrina or my sister meant all the time. Sometimes it's just lovely to talk about feelings. I never done that before and today it feels so light after what I did. It feels as if tons of load has been taken off my shoulders. Suddenly I feel like I've found freedom and liberty from my pain, which I thought I was in.
It's feels as if I'm dancing in heaven amongst rainbows and butterflies and tiny chirpy birds and everything that's nice.
You have to tell people how you feel because if you don’t, the ‘maybes’ and the ‘would-have-beens’ collect into a pile at the top of your heart and weigh there heavily, relentlessly and sometimes even forever and that hurts, sometimes like hell.
Because they taunt you in the dead silence of the night – reminding you that there are so many lives you could be living, so many other people you could have become, if you only had been brave for just a moment. If you’d only spoken up once when it once mattered.
You have to tell people how you feel because you never know when it’s your last chance.
You never know when circumstances are just about to alter or the tide is just about to change or the door that is open to you now is about to slam itself shut when you finally reach.
You have to take the chances that you have while you have them, because every window of opportunity is held in place by a time frame and you can’t let it pass. You cannot resign yourself to staring bleakly out of it, wondering, for the rest of your life. At some point in time this has to stop
You have to tell people how you feel because it matters like hell.
Because there are so many things in life that don’t – what you’re wearing and where you’re living and whichever petty problems plague your awareness day in and day out don't matter much.
You have to tell people how you feel because when your time on earth draws to a close and you look back over everything that counted, it is always going to be about people. Who you held onto. Who you grew with. Who changed you and challenged you and inspired you, when everything around you was falling apart.
You have to tell people how you feel because you will hate yourself if you do not.
Because the longer you spend ignoring your own values and desires, the more you begin to resent yourself.
The more you second-guess yourself. The more you belittle yourself. The more you start thinking of yourself as someone who is meek and uncertain and incapable of going after what you want out of this life. And that script becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. That mantra becomes the very thing that holds you back.
You have to tell people how you feel, because it’s not just about them feeling the same thing. Because harnessing mutual love is a wonderful side effect of courage, but it’s not the end goal. The end goal is becoming a badass and a risk-taker. The end goal is living authentically. The end goal is becoming someone who can meet their own gaze in the mirror each morning, because you’re unafraid to fight for your own happiness.
You have to tell people how you feel because it’s the only way to live out your truth.
And at the end of the day, that might be the most important thing you ever learn to do. I think we all just fear rejection of any manner and are scared to death by it. We feel as if that's the ends of the world but if we just for once understand the value of rejection, sometimes it seems to be good. It helps in learning what good might be waiting and if you find that good cherish onto it because that good is the ultimate destination.
"You never talk about your mum" Louis asks as we squish ourselves underneath the covers and I play the movie on my Mac.
"That's probably why it took me so much time, more than five months, to talk to you about it. No one told me how I'm supposed to act or how to start an awkward conversation. I never got the 'mom advices' you got" i chuckle sadly at the end. "And it's not that my mom didn't do her part. I saw her doing things for me but not on her own, she told the nanny to do them for me, she was never directly involved." I shrug. She tried to be their for me but she was busy proving herself to the world and I think that's also important.
He doesn't say anything but shifts closer to my body. Like he's trying to himself underneath my arm. The credits have started rolling and the film has almost begun.
His head is lightly leaning on my chest and if I bent my head a little lower or just rested my chin on his head i could get a whiff of his soft hair but that'd be creepy so I don't do it. I rather pull myself closer to him. It's gotten cozy even we're tightly packed inside the duvet seeming like we're one body two souls.
The credits are still rolling and the title song is playing, "you know my dad, he always has this controlling nature in him. He's a successful businessman and when I was little I wanted to be what my dad was but then he always had his upper hand in things. We did things together like what dad's do, but only what he wanted to. Of course Gemma was the elder one so she knew everything, she was an observer so it had gotten into her to never interfere with dads work. I wanted to be him so I did but then one day he scolded me so much in front of his friends that I ran to my room, took my sister with me and shut the door. I was crying and angry at him and Gemma was angry too but then she told me something. she said if you never get what you ask for, stop asking and start working for it. "
"gemma means too much to you, doesn't she?" he asks with complete genuineness as his fingers are lacing around my wrists.
"she means more than I can think of." I rest my chin on his head lightly. he smiles quietly when I do that and his hold becomes tighter. I can feel him feeling my scars lightly. his finger tips are very gently brushing over them like he's trying to understand each one, like each single one has a meaning as why they're there.
the movie has officially commenced and louis' eyes are glued to the screen like a little child watching cartoon. if I knew all it took to keep him quiet was a movie, I'd have done that the first day. we're halfway into the movie when the pizza guy arrives and Louis automatically looks sunny, "pizza?"
"yeah most probably" I shift from underneath Louis and check the door and its louis' pizza and I pay him and come back to bed while louis' as soon as he sees the pizza boxes in my hand, squeals in excitement, "i think tonight is my officially the nest night I've ever had in a long time!"
"a movie and a pizza is all it takes to impress you?" I ask knowingly teasing him and I wait for his reaction.
"I think you misjudge me here, hazza" he raises his eyebrow at me as he opens the two boxes one by one and sets them aside. He bends forward when I sit down and kisses me on the lips, like a sweet little peck of thank you but he called me hazza, that's more than a thank you to me. "I don't need to be impressed. remember? I'm the demigod not you, you're a petty human. Just a pretty peasant whose made this demigod fall in love with him."he bats his eyelashes at me.
No one's ever clever than Louis, "A petty human? A pretty peasant? that's all I am to you?" I frown at him.
"Don't sell yourself short, my peasant." he says it like he's in a play and laughs like he's made such a brilliant joke, "...you made me fall for you, remember?" He tilts his neck so cutely when he says it but with a tone of grace and love and ends up laughing hard. "...and now, I don't want to miss my movie and my pizza so less talking and more watching and more eating!" he takes his position as before. He looks so visibly excited, "come sit as you were sitting before. It was very comfortable"
Isn't he just cute? Don't you want to just eat him out whole?
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lots of love <3
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