LOST AND STILL FINDING(larry stylinson)
"Do you feel better now? After what you bravely decided to do?" Dr Sabrina is sitting in front of me all smileys and there's this hint of proud on her face. Is she really happy because to tell you the truth when I did what I did, it was all out of anger? I was so angry and frustrated at that piece of me and about Louis continuously trying to keep up with me that I blurted it out. I couldn't watch him be in this confusion that it's his fault somewhere.
For about five hours after that or till now when it's already been a week, maybe I don't feel best about it but I could rate it good.
"I don't know" I stretch the last word, "to be honest, it wasn't brave, what I did. Yes, I thought about it and I planned everything, a little date in the hall..." Fuck. This sounds like I'm reciting typical white romance. "It sounds cliché I know, but I did it." I shrug, "and then I got all nervous and sweaty for a moment and Louis sensed it. He sensed that somehow I was going to do something that wasn't making me very comfortable, he saw it on my face. And seriously I'm still confused as to how did he get that. It's very much confusing"
"Its basic human psychology to predict sense or have an intuition about the person who you have spent a lot of time with. Even a little child shows such behaviour when he recognizes their mother or father in a crowd. It's normal, really." she smiles
"But it's still surprising. Isn't it? How he could just sense it out of nowhere. Even I wasn't so sure about that and he knew it. He talked me out of it. He instead talked about his past and told me not to share anything if I'm not comfortable with it. He didn't let me do it. It's like wow. I was so awestruck by him in that moment. Like he thought about me. Isn't that great and surprising at the same moment? Isn't it just lovely?"
"Yes. It is." She pauses, "tell me how you felt after you confronted him with it. Did he leave?"
"When I told him, I was crying my own story of how I didn't deserve him and how he should've stayed back in Doncaster and never returned because I kept hurting him."
"Why do you think you felt that? Do you still feel that?"
"I don't know. I've hurt him more times than anyone else would have. I got him hospitalized I got his trigger memories flashing in front of him. It was painful for me to have to see him everyday getting hurt by me. But at the same time when he wasn't here I felt so miserable that whole month. I felt worse than I had ever. It was impossible for me to step in that house, forget about sleeping in that bed. You saw me how I was. I met you at my worse and you saw me at my worst. You know everything. I could not have been more alone." Fuck this is getting me. I shouldn't have begun talking this. It's therapeutic though. What an incredible thing. I'm sitting in therapy and feeling therapeutic.
"But you're happy now. You're in a better place, out of an old rotten world. It's good. What is it that you feel now? The conclusion of it all. You telling him and him knowing you?"
"I feel at ease somehow. Like I don't have anything else to trouble him with. Nothing more. No secrets that can kill. He knows what I am, why I am, who I am. I trust him completely. He's told me everything about him and I understand why he is what he is. So I suppose we're both completely bare, skin to skin in front of each other and all that's left for us to do is, touch each other and feel the love that we can give each other."
"You should be a poet. I think it's mentally healthy of you and your relationship to have realised that on your own." She didn't have to actually.
"I write songs, so I'm halfway there" I chuckle. Louis said the same thing. Is she Louis underneath all this long silky hair? No wonder all the similarities, "but if you want me to answer your question you asked before, which I tried to deviate by not answering is that no he didn't leave me and I think that explains everything. I mean if I were to explain what actually happened is that he left initially because what I told him scared him a bit. He didn't expect that to have been blurted out of my mouth. He got scared because I caught him off guard and he hates it. Like top of the hate list hates it."
"So like he walked out of the house? Came back after a walk or something?"
"Maybe yes. I don't know. I kept screaming and crying until the whole drama ended and till Gemma came upto me and told me that I scared off Louis and he didn't seem fine."
"Gemma came up to you? Was she present when all this happened?" She asks writing down stuff. It's like those times when the police came up to me and asked me to give a statement and I was in the middle of it when my father said that I didn't want to give one.
"She wasn't, initially. Louis called her up because like he said he was scared to see me that night. He didn't come in. Not even to take a pee. Nothing while I sobbed myself to sleep. I wanted to hold him through that and it hurt me a little that he didn't came running to hug me"
"Maybe because he wasn't ready himself then. Maybe he wasn't sure what was good for you and that is why he called Gemma. You said he got scared. Do you regret telling him then?"
"No. Not at all. He needed to know and I couldn't watch him walk away from me and he was drifting apart from me, anyway. No matter how many times he tried to give me my space, this question of me not getting sexually involved with him popped up every time we snuggled each other breathless and he wanted more and I couldn't give him. I've rejected him 6 times. If it were anyone else, hell it was anyone else in the beginning and I rejected him once and he raped me in return, they would've done the same. But he understood what was important in the situation and he sat back. Isn't that just so, fuck, just fucking admiring? If he were in here like right now, I'd snog the hell out of him"
"Even in front of me?" She asks smiling fondly.
"Even in front of you" I shrug. Fuck her. I'd kiss him till I'd need my pump and then kiss him again.
"I need to clarify this one thing. When you say if it would've been anyone else, they would've violated you. Not all people or humans do that. You don't have to generalize this anymore. I think we've moved way forward than you saying stuff like this. Maximum people in this world are good human beings and no one would ever do that."
"Yes I'm sorry I said that. I get it, you're right"
"Look at you!" She smiles wide, "all giddy and in love. Do you think he's perfect for you? Is Mr. Tomlinson perfect?"
"Perfect is not the right word choice for him. No one's perfect. He is flawed and he's sometimes upset about it. Don't you see? He has his flaws. He sometimes wants to be able to do things as he likes them to be done. He has his fears overtaking him and he gets mad and mean if you poke and tease him about it. He wants things and sometimes he doesn't mention it and then expects to get them delivered to him and if he doesn't get them he gets angry and irritated by it. He'd blame everyone for that. No matter who. He's not perfect. But he has the right amount of pretty in him. He has such long eyelashes and three tiny freckles at his right cheek and he's got such fluffy hair and when he hugs, it's like he's trying to hug you into him and that's lovely. I love him"
"Didn't I tell you before? You should be a poet" she laughs loudly this time. "It's nice that you've found someone who loves you as much as you love them. What do you think are your flaws then? You said no one's perfect, so you must have yours. Do you recognize them?"
"Oh! Very much clearly. I'm very clingy at times and sometimes an old school romantic. Louis laughs at me for that. I don't like to be touched unnecessarily. I don't like it, I might just flinch or I might just not respond to their touch or I might just spank their arm away. I don't like people going through my stuff until and unless they're allowed or they're very very close to me and they don't judge. But sometimes I like to be touched even if unnecessarily. I won't mind that if my mood is right for the moment. I like alone time or quiet time not necessarily alone but just quiet. I get very angry if you force feed me something I said I don't want to have, no matter how delicious. I think that's just it then." I shrug.
"That is your flaws?" She looks at me surprised.
"Yeah" I nod.
"That's what every human living on this planet does not want to be done with them. That was like you listing what people don't like in general"
"So you're generalising me?"
"No. I'm not. It's just that if you consider them as flaws, those aren't the right ones. "
"You mean to say that's all normal?"
"Neither normal nor abnormal. It's just few of many features humans are made of. We can't label them as flaws and perfections"
"Yeah. Sometimes label confuses people"
"Right. Okay tell me what you both are terrified of"
"Is this like an interrogation? I feel like it's moving towards an interrogation."
"No it's not!" She laughs again, "I thought you wanted to talk about it since you were involved in the topic yourself"
"I'm sorry. I got way too into it. But..." I smile back to her. Can't help talking about him. "There's this special thing about him though. He'll never say he wants to be kissed, like he wouldn't go all sappy and cuddly, he'll just lie in bed with you, prop up his chin and keep pouting, eyeing your lips and then you have to kiss him. You cannot not kiss him in the moment." She smiles. It's quite a smiley affair between us now. "He's too sweet and gentle and pure for me. "
"Are you happy with him?"
"The happiness... is oozing out of me. But it’s more like is he happy with me?" I chuckle, "I don't quite know. He keeps saying stuff like he's blessed to have found me, he's so happy to have stayed when he should've ran away. He keeps saying that we were meant to be together in a way and he's too happy. I don't think so."
"Maybe he just said all that because he wants to see me happy. That's all"
"If he only wanted to see you happy he wouldn't have lead you on. He's knows you completely now, doesn't he?"
"Yes. He knows everything about me, except about the part of who my rapist was." I shrug, "and I know everything about him. So it's like we're both aiming at the same thing. Comfortability in being with each other."
"You don't have to tell him that part if you don't want to. You can keep that part to yourself."
"But it's still going to come up somehow. Isn't it? It will and it will ruin what Louis and I are. He still sometimes keeps coming up to my house creepily and I swear I'm just a millimetre away from renewing the restraint order. I swear"
"Then why haven't you?" This question has hit me like a bus. "If you want to protect Louis at all costs. And you want to protect both of you from him then why haven't you done it yet?"
"I don't know. I hate him to my guts. I hate him and I'll forever hate him for what he's done and for what he keeps doing. But there was a time in my life and in his life where we'd both do anything to be with each other. Anything. And he went too far with that" the rush of feelings inside me is making me dizzy. I don't even what I'm saying right now. But isn't it true? Didn't Nick and I promise each other that night that we both wanted to be together for the rest of our lives? Then how did it become possible for us to have ended up the opposite? "Maybe I was at fault. I should've heard what he had to say that night and then I wouldn't and Nick wouldn't be where we are now. We are these miserable pieces of human bones and flesh that don't stand looking at each other's faces." I don't even from where the dizziness and headache attacked me right now but I can certainly feel it.
"Are you still going to blame yourself after what you've become and what you have overcome?"
"No! I'm not blaming myself here" I'm simply not, "maybe if I had a little time to think, maybe back then, when we were on the bed making out and he touched my waist and I asked him to wait and if he would've just given me another minute to breathe or something, that might've happened differently than he slapping me across my face and spitting and walking away, maybe there could be been something different about me and him today. Something."
"Yes. Maybe. That's right. I like how you've had your own thought process going on over things that might've happened differently that night. But you don't have to think about that past anymore. It doesn't hold too much importance now. The only important part about your past now is in shaping the stronger being you've become. The personality you own right now is the result of the things you have gone through and how you've accepted them as your own. Do you accept them?"
"I think I do. I don't know really thought to tell you the truth. Maybe I do, maybe I don't. But yes I think what I am today is the result of all my decisions and experiences, either good or bad."
"Good aspects? What do you think they are?"
I smile at this, "You know it. I found Louis. Louis came upto me when I was at the verge of falling off the cliff. He doesn't know this. He doesn't know but he tries to understand my pain and he acknowledges it in every way and he has his part of pain which I understand and acknowledge. We both have what we've always needed. He doesn't say what his mind or heart wants to say directly but he shows it. He's not good at putting words on things but he tries whenever he has to or he'll show you. Like there's always this continuous need in him to prove himself. Like sometimes people don't seem to see and acknowledge what he is and they take him for granted and that hurts him. He told me no one’s ever been proud of him, but you know what? He makes me want to be proud, like a mum is proud of her son. Like that. He does so much for everyone and doesn't expect anyone to do the same for him, he just doesn't. And I like that about him. And yes another thing good about is what I am today. Yes there are scars that'll keep reminding me but I have them because I fought and I think I won." I smile at her. The wind of feelings flowing in this clinic is a little distorted because there are moments where I feel I might cry because of how painful my dizziness and headache is and there are moments where I want to cry at the thought Louis being in my life. How can he be mine? It's still a mystery but I'll love him forever.
"You won. You definitely did." She puts down here pen. "I am so glad that these three months of me working on you and you working on yourself to embrace who are had turned out so good. Despite the things that tried to hold you back you're still this strong person you always saw you were and now it's shining bright in front of me. You being brave and courageous enough to tell your partner about you is the best thing you have done and sometimes it's worth taking the risk. You took it and you won. Louis is still by your side."
"Yes" I nod, "he is and I can't be more happy. Are you like ending the session? “No this can't happen. When I've finally started to be frank with her, talk about my sex life with her, she's going to end this?
"More like ending the therapy all together" she shrugs pitifully.
"No! Please no!" I whine, "this can't happen!" I lean forward.
"Okay then, let's keep it to once a week then, or maybe once in two weeks?"
"No! I still got problems unsolved" she scribbling down on the paper and she's not looking up and for a moment if I just stare at her, her eyelashes would resemble Louis'. "Can I ask you something?"
"What am I here for?"
"Do you wear fake eyelashes?"
She seems a little surprised by the kind of question, "sometimes yes. Not every day."
"Are you wearing today?"
"These are my real lashes"
"You're so pretty. Like you're pretty in Louis kinda way. He has long eyelashes too. And your hair even though they're black, they'd be as soft as his and your face cut and nose, god! If you wore a guy wig, you'd be him"
"Is that why you don't want to end your sessions?" She looks at me suspiciously but still smiling.
I laugh at her, "No! That's not a reason. I like talking to you. It's more of a habit now. You have become a part of my routine and I love how I work up on your advices which have helped me work on my relationship with humans in general. So thank you very much"
"Thank-you that you listened to what I had to say and you spoke up when you didn't even want to. You shared a piece of yourself with me, not as a doctor really but as a human I know how difficult that must've been been. So thank yourself and not me"
"Okay. If you say so" I shrug sheepishly, "you're cute"
"Well. Do you need another prescription? How's your cigarette stuff going? Are nicotine patches working?"
"They're working yes. But I still need those, in case. And I think my asthma is going to act up if I don't stop smoking. I stopped drinking though"
"Okay. Your stitch, have there been side effects? Itching? A rash? Tiny spots? "
"Nope. Haven't spotted any"
"Does your older scar itch? Dr John wanted to know. I think you should meet him. He said he needed your updated health record. He's here today. Check at the reception"
"No it doesn't itch. Okay..."
"You don't have problems with your erection? No complications there?"
"I don't know really. Because..." Well now that she's asked me there's this question roaming around in my head which has just popped up and I think I should ask her. I should, "um...I needed answers to a few questions"
"Of course ask me" she hands me the prescription.
"I'm not sure about this...the entire intercourse thing. Actually I broke down the last time this was about to happen...when I told him and Louis got scared so he ran out of the room and came back only in the morning"
"I was all screaming and shouting and crying at him and when I told him. I think he wasn't at all prepared for my shouting and he said that if he could go back in time and save me, he definitely would. If he knew about this earlier he would've stayed"
"He's a sweet guy"
"He definitely is. I want to be able to make him feel loved. I want to do things with him. Will I ever be able to do all that with him?"
"Of course you can. You love him he loves you there's nothing in the world that can separate you both now. So how do you think that's going to happen? You are strong and courageous and healthy enough to be able to make that decision yourself. If you're scared about those vivid images flashing in front of you, it'll happen. If you think about it. It will happen. You have to think past it."
"I've tried. I've tried enough number of times now and it's worrying me if I'm just using him for myself. That's bad and wrong at so many levels. I should be able to satisfy him."
"You will be. It's takes time. You were drained of your natural thinking process and for it to come back it will take time. Healing takes time."
"How much? I don't think Louis will wait enough"
"By what you say about him and the way you talk about him, trust me he'll probably prove you wrong. He has proved you wrong once. He's going to do it again. "
"I'm sure he will. But it's like it is strange no matter how much I try not to think about it, I still do. I can have this great day with him or get really happy and then a flood of memories invade my head in that moment and I feel this dread that builds at the base of my stomach. Obviously, I still struggle sometimes and I ruin my day. Then it all fades and the memory rests in its place. It makes me want to smash things against the wall sometimes and that's why I think won't be able to quit smoking soon enough"
"Have you talked to him about this?"
"Like he knows why I smoke and don't have sex with him. What else do I have to talk now?"
"The part where your flashback ruins your happy moment and why it's difficult for you to have sex with him. Talk to him about how you're stating it to me. Talk to him about how you feel in that moment. Just don't let him walk away in the bathroom when you reject him. He might hide his feelings for you and you might hide your feelings behind a brave face but you both actually have to sit down in that precise moment and understand why you can't do what you were ready to do a second ago and why can't he help you out with it. You both need to feel the need of the moment. Yes there might be a conflict amongst both of you with your opinions. But think about how good this conflict will bring to the both of you. Sometimes conflict is good. It means that you're thinking in the right direction. It's important for you especially to talk about your feelings with him. Do it."
"I'll scare him again"
"No you won't. And in order to move on you must understand what you felt before and how you no longer need to feel it. You have so many new feelings to explore. Only Louis can help you with them."
"I don't want to hurt him again"
"You won't. You're too carefully with that already. You consider your worst enemy as lovable even before your consider yourself. Start by apologizing to yourself first. Okay?"
"How do I really start?"
"Have you ever initiated the sex yourself any of the 6 times you rejected him?"
"Rejected is a strong word"
"Okay. You stepped back? Did you initiate it?"
"Try this time. Maybe you'll have a clearer head and you might end up surprising him."
“I might end up surprising myself. And the thing about erection. I think I can't get it up all the way through. Like I've tried, I get a bulge but not...how do I say this...you're not...”
"A male? I think we've moved way ahead of this"
"I'm sorry. I meant I can't get it full length. That's what I meant"
"Have you tried getting it yourself?"
"There's nothing gross about it. You don't have to worry about that unless you can't get it up altogether. You're getting an erection that's way more than fine. It means all the medicines are working. Maybe if Louis helped you, you might." She shrugs. This is awkward but I need this information
"You will. And if you don't, you always have Dr. John and me to help you. Don't worry it's not that much of a serious problem."
"There's one more thing..."
"Get up now! You've already gone half an hour beyond the time limits. I have other patients too"
We've been lying on the bed holding each other while Harry's fingers trace lines over my arm and he's been watching me since the past half an hour and I believe its past 2 in the morning. And I guess I've been watching him back in the silence of this bedroom and loudness of our heartbeats banging, screaming the love we have for each other.
"I sometimes think I'm going to ruin you" I break the silence.
But his expressions don't change, he doesn't react. He hasn't even looked away.
"Hey?" I softly speak; no one should hear what I'm saying because they'll take him away from me. I trace my thumb over his cheek.
"What?" He breathes silently. "I'm sorry I was distracted"
"I'll ruin you"
"How so?" He smiles, "demigods don't destroy other humans" he sets the fringe entering my eye aside.
"No. I see that I have, already. I don't-"
He shifts his face closer, "Stop talking. You talk too much" he whispers.
"I'm telling you the truth. Listen to me...” it's like this is my guilty pleasure. I have hurt him in ways he doesn't even know and I still want to be with him.
"No one could've ruined me more than what I've done to myself. So I guess you lose here" his index finger smoothly brushes my chin.
It's silent and comfortable yet I want to talk to him about it. "Why didn't you just...stop?"
"Stop exactly what?" He smiles.
"I did at some point. I was fine for about six months in the past year. I did the drinking but it was out of habit, I wasn't hurting myself much then. But then he showed up and tried to touch I freaked out" he shrugs. "I stepped into the circle again"
"When did this happen?" I slide my arm under his and hold his waist.
"The actual thing or him showing up?"
“I was in my high school junior”
"Does he still contact you?"
"He isn't in jail?!"
"He's not in jail?”
"I said no"
"I don't know. "
"Of course you know"
"It's a stupid reason and I think I should've been more firm about what I wanted for myself back then. My dad made me deny my statement in front of the police."
"And you did nothing to stop it?"
"No one did anything"
"Nothing to stop him from doing all this again?"
"We made him promise he wouldn't repeat this again and he felt pretty guilty about all of it. We filed a restraining order against him"
"You made him promise?"
Nothing can ever make me ready for what Louis is. He is so huge. Bigger than the heart he owns and the love that he has inside him and the kindness he always endures even when he's full on his sassy mood.
No one would've made me believe that something like him was waiting for me all along. No one could've made me feel like what he makes me feel like. Lying here while he touched me with his fingers tips is content and enough as it is.
Maybe God has a path destined for everyone and what we do leads us to it, either good or bad. But we get an equal share of everything in our lives. The good, the bad, the happy, the sad, the remorse, the guilt, the pain, the joy, the love, the best, the worst. Everything in its own share.
"What was I supposed to do when I couldn't even think straight after waking up from a coma? I did what I was told. It felt as if a whole generation had passed me while I lay ice cold for 3 months. I still don't understand the steps I took that day onwards" he hold on my waist stirs for a second.
"You were in a ...coma?" It's like that's the only thing he heard in the whole two sentences I spoke.
He blinks very slowly like he's gasping for air and trying to take in this information as slowly as possible. "Not because I had head injury...” I begin, "it was because I was suffocated and fell out of breath and my asthma attack wasn't quite helping and the oxygen didn't reach my brain because of that for about 3 seconds"
His hold tightens. He looks at me. Just looks and keeps looking. Maybe he's observing something. Who knows? The softness with which he is looking at me is enough to tell me he loves me back. He loves me back. And it doesn't sound foreign anymore. See? Listen to it. He loves me back. Doesn't it sound like it's mixed with honey, sugar and vanilla and everything that he's made of? It's like I'm holding onto something that so bigger than the world. It's like he's the world of I would want to live and fuck; it's the only world I want.
"But you've been so brave" he shifts closer resting his head underneath my chin and hugs me fully squeezing, "You're like an astronaut. You're not scared of flying away"
What? I chuckle at him, "What are you saying?" I brush my fingers through his hair, "I don't understand"
"Astronauts are the bravest people. Don't you get it? They fly off space with no guarantee to return. Hell they are not even on earth. What's the fuckiest thing ever to not be on earth when you're dying?"
"Well yeah...that's like" I chuckle. "It's bad. Unlucky fuckers I guess" I laugh and he giggles in return.
"See? That's what I was talking about" his hold loosens as if he just realised something.
"I've ruined you so much and you don't even know"
"How have you ruined me?" I don't get it. What is he saying?
"You never use slangs. I made-"
"Shut up!" I pull him a little away and hold his face.
"Yes. I did it. I ruined you" he doesn't look me in the eye.
"Look at me" he blinks a few times and then looks at me finally, "No one can ruin me. No one ruins anyone. Okay?" I kiss him hard on the lips. How can he even think that? How can he let himself be so low?
"I needed to ask you something. This might even be too much but you can always refuse and I will cheerfully accept it. You don't have to say yes if you don't feel like it"
"You remember Mark?"
"Clear as day"
"He asked...I mean I asked him, as he wanted to move out, that if he'd like to move a step forward with his music thing. Of course he said yes and I thought I could ask you if you'd help him out?"
"Wasn't he doing medicine?"
"Yeah. That's the only condition. He will complete his graduation and only then... What do you say?"
"Okay. Yeah. I think he sings well and he plays really well. At the end all you need is a guitar and an amazing voice. Not a problem"
"Not a problem?" His face seemed to have lit up. It's like he just needs little bits of happiness to be fully happy. He doesn't demand for Disneyland’s and Paris trips and Australia scuba dives. He asks for little gifts which cheer him up like he found he treasure.
"All I needed was some motivation since things happened. I kept searching for it and then I stopped and after a few years you knocked on my door and there...I never knew motivation looked his pretty and tiny and beautiful and cute." I kiss him in the nose. "You’re so...you give me goosebumps every time I touch you. You seem so unreal all of a sudden but then it's like I'm holding you how can you be unreal and then bam! It hits me, you're a demigod...you give me goals to achieve." he chuckles his dimples showing and he buries his face in my neck.
"Fuck you!" He mumbles. "Are you going to open the door to every pretty thing that knocks?"
"Nope. Just you" he squeezes me tightly in reaction.
"Don't squeeze me to death"
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