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LOST AND STILL FINDING(larry stylinson)

chapter 114

*part 1 of double update*

Louis' pov

And the science department says that trauma is the ultimate killer and memories aren’t like atoms or molecules which can be restored because once something triggers our brain, memories can be lost forever.

When you're planning your life ahead with someone who you love more than your entire world you don't think that they'll be the one hurting like this. Of course no one Is perfect, everyone gets their share of pain and everyone's broken from inside somehow but you don't imagine them to be broken so much that when they start to cut open their stitches pieces fall everywhere and it's so difficult to attach them again that you're scared if they ever could be sewed together.

You're scared that will their life ever stick back? You're scared that if you touch them they might break into further more pieces than you can handle anymore. They've gotten so fragile and weak fighting this unending battle of their minds that fighting someone physically seems difficult to them. They start accepting whatever comes their way. They do not expect anything else in life and all you as a person can do is wanting to hold them until they feel okay, until you see their smile again, until you see them joking around like before. You wanna feel them and know about how their little picnics with the family went and how much fun they had at amusement parks and how much lovely their summers were or if they ever went scooba diving or how was it when they had their first drink.

You don't ever want to see that hurting soul again because more than anything else getting destroyed, you yourself might shatter. Instead of being the strong one you might start shattering and there's nothing worse than two shattered souls living together in pain. That's when the downfall begins. And that's where you never want to reach.

I walked out of the room last night. I couldn't face him. I couldn't see him hurting. I couldn't watch him become a mess. I couldn't watch him fall apart again and again. I couldn't. So I walked out. I sat in the balcony shivering of the thoughts that were crossing my head. Even when I shut my ears I could hear his screams. I could hear him. For a moment I wanted to runaway forever and never return only because Harry didn't deserve all this and he probably would be better of without me because I absentmindedly hurt him.

For once I wanted to shut out everything and feel what it was like to be in a silent world. I couldn't bare listening to him anymore. I couldn't. No matter how much I wanted to run to his room and hold him while he fell apart I couldn't. My feet didn't move towards him but away from him.

In that moment when I was there, I felt so scared and angry at the same time that I didn't know which feeling to chose. Should I be scared or should I be angry at the world? I didn't know and I ended up being both.

I tried to calm myself trying to listen to songs I know Harry recorded but it didn't help and I ended up breaking my earphones. Nothing in the moment helped and I cried till my throat went dry and I couldn't feel my lips anymore.

I was terrified of the moment. If I had a wish and I knew it would get fulfilled I'd ask God to not make Harry be in such a situation where he was so visibly broken that I could see from where his skin cracked.

I ended up calling Gemma when I could actually process things. She rushed back home and she cursed me for having to make Harry to go through such pain again. She warned me on the phone that if something bad had happened to him she'd never want to see me near Harry again. And for a moment I thought I deserved to be not near him. I made him go through a pain he never wanted to visit. Gemma remained in the room for an hour after that.

It must've been 4 in the morning when I could finally see clear behind the blur of my tears.

I was so stupid to not understand the pain he was in. I was so stupid. I should've understood why he always flinched at my touch in the beginning every time. I should've understood when he didn't like to change while i was around. I should've understood how he didn't like to share the bathroom with me. I should've understood why he didn't let me touch him below waist. I should've understood why he never initiated anything sexual towards me. I should've understood that night when he told me he didn't consider sex as something beautiful. I should've fucking understood why he kept rejecting my sexual advances. I should've fucking been able to understand that and I didn't. I couldn't understand him. How couldn't I?

Yes he wanted to be intimate with me but never sexual. It doesn't hurt me that he didn't want anything sexually, what hurts me is I couldn't understand why he didn't want that without him saying it to me.

Gemma has been giving me angry glares since the moment she walked out and I've not moved from the dining chair, since I walked in from the balcony. This hall is painfully silent. She was talking to a doctor on the phone a while ago and I heard how much scared she sounded. Somehow whispers are also loud right now.

Gemma walks upto me, staring at me for a minute and then her forehead relaxes from a frown, she whispers, "I'm going for a little nap, keep checking on him if he calls out for something. Can you do that?" She asks me calmly.

I nod. I'm sacred, if you ask me. Scared to see him. Scared to face him. Scared to talk to him. Scared to even look at him once. How am I supposed to do this? No one warned me about it.

"He needs you, don't you get it?" Her tone is firm yet she's still whispering.

I don't look at her. I can't. Her face keeps reminding me of him. There faces, it's like if she just grew a beard it'll be him. I can't look at her and not feel anything.

"Louis?" She places her hand at my shoulder. Fuck. It breaks me from inside. I can't do this.

"Yeah" I nod and I look up at her. I'm shaking from within. Fuck. "I can't d-" my lips shake.

"No!" She says immediately, "you don't get to cry when he's the one dying inside. Go help him. He needs you. I helped him as much as I could. Go.." She insists.

"How?" I wipe my face.

"Just be there, for him"

When I walked in I could hear his raspy, broken and choked breathes. It's like he's trying to breath. Trying.

I don't think I can do this because if I could I wouldn't have walked away in the first place. With every step I am taking closer to the curled ball of duvet lying on the bed I'm scared from within. I don't wanna be here where he's hurt.

"Harry?" I walk to him. Something inside me is shaking so bad if I touch him it might just shatter. But he's shattering already without me touching him. Does it hurt this bad? If it hurts him so much why doesn't he just stop? It hurt me too much and I knew I had to stop so I did.

I'm sitting a feet away from him. I'm not touching him in any manner. He doesn't need to be touched in the innocent meaning of it. He doesn't need it right now, when he's all shattering.

Because if for a second I could erase last night from the moment this turned wrong I would if it meant that this would've never happened. But it certainly did and I can't stop thinking about it.

Because if I see him again this will be real and forever. Things that have happened to him will hold a place and will not just be a statement I heard him say as he broke down. Because if I look at him everything will be real. We will be real and his pain will be real. But this can't be. How can God sitting up there let His angel hurt so bad? Why didn't He Himself come down from above to save him, to stop all the nonsense that has a become a part of him? Why didn't he step down?

I'm standing at the edge of the bed and I don't know if I should go any nearer. I step back and sit down again at the dresser chair.

He's sound asleep I guess. And it's good actually, I don't have to face him. I don't have to make a conversation. He doesn't even need a conversation right now. It's good until I don't see him or maybe he doesn't see me.

I just watch the duvet rise and fall slowly with every breath he takes. His face is squished under the duvet and only his hair seems to stare back at me. I have this urgent wish right now. Just to go and pet him. Just caress him for a while so that his breaths don't break anymore. I wanna do that. I really want to help him here because I have no other purpose to be here right now.

I get up slowly but my left foot hits the dresser. Fuck! He stirs a little. Like very little but I guess I woke him up. Shit. His head moves and if I walked the opposite side of the bed I would see his face but I'm behind him and I only watch his hair move.

"Is he gon-e?" He croaks, his voice more of a mumble. Is that what he thinks of me? How can he say that? How can he? Why will I leave? Why will I? I can't leave him. I don't want to leave him. It just makes me want to take care of him even more. Nothing changes. Not one thing. Nothing changes what I think about him. Nothing. All I'll ever think about is how much I love him and how much he loves me. This incident, all it tells me is that he's here, by my side, alive and well and if sometimes he feels like breaking down, falling apart and wants cry for hours I'll be there for him making sure he ends up okay and feeling fine and where he doesn't have to pick his pieces up by himself. I'll do that no matter what.

What am I supposed to say here? I walk slowly to the other side. I don't know if he knows I'm here. I don't know if he still thinks that he's talking to Gemma.

How do I tell him it's me? How do I tell him it's me here? How do I tell him I'm here for him? How do I tell him I'll be here for him for as long as he wants and needs me to be?

He shuffles and curls up even more, covering his head under the duvet. Does he know I'm here?

I step up on the bed and crawl just beside him.

Harry's POV
Fuck. My throat feels dry and my face feels sticky and my body feels all cracked and I wish I could just look at him and forget all this for a while.

Wow. It rhymes, doesn't it? It's rhymes so good with my pathetic life. I don't even know why it hurts anymore. Like why does it? And if I let myself think about it, though I don't want to because all I'm seeing behind the dark of my eyes are white spots which feel like they're injecting needles into my brain, but I do think about it and I get to this conclusion that it hurts me because I'm hurting him. It's not due to Nick, it's because looking at Louis get hurt, hurts me back.

He's trying to pull the duvet down my face, gently. Believe me, at first I thought it was Gemma, because she's always very quiet in such situations, as she was last night, but as soon as I heard the thud, I knew it was him. I knew it would take him time.

"...H-arry?" He whispers after much thought, barely audible but it's so quiet in the room how am I not supposed to hear him and anyways I would always recognize his voice in a crowd full of other people. I haven't moved a bit and I'm not letting him pull the duvet down. I can't look at him.

I groan in return just so that he knows I'm awake.

"How do you feel?" He asks giving up on removing the duvet. He lets it be.

"I can taste vomit in my mouth right now"

"Do you need something to drink? I can make something for you" he gets panicky, I'm sure he had a panic attack because of me saw last night. You must be hungry. I'll make noodles if you'd like because that's all that I can make or anything else maybe if you ask, I'll try. Whatever you ask for. Ask me!" why is he rushing? He can calm down. Probably take a breath or two.

"Nothing" I shake my head.

"That's not going to work you know. You gotta tell me or I'll force feed you...I'm actually great at that" he chuckles, "..been feeding so many kids all my life. Doesn't take much effort." he sounds strained yet he's blabbering away stuff that I can't process.

"Try me" I blurt.

"What?" he asks confused.

"Force feeding"

"Do not challenge me in a situation like this" he sighs brokenly. "I'm trying here. Stop being a prick!" he just said that?

"So are we calling each other names now? Lovely."

He breathes sharply again and then I hear shuffling while he's trying to pull away my duvet but then suddenly his feet touch mine and then his knees pull closer to mine and then I see his upper body trying to move under my duvet and now, there he is, the pretty prince. He covers himself and his arm wraps around my waist gently pulling himself closer to my face.

"If you don't move out now you'll start smelling like my vomit and you don't want that" I warn him and shift under his touch. Why is he touching me? I don't deserve his touch.

"You don't get to tell me what I want!" his body feels tensed, a little. "And you can stop being difficult. Everything's going to be fine!" he assures. How can things be fine when he looks all worried?

"Why are you touching me?" I ask. All I have are questions when he's barely an inch from my face all getting all cuddly when I'm smelling like I shit my pants.

"Can't I ?" He looks at me in the eye when he says this.

"Tell me why"

"Because maybe there are certain things I want you to know that I can't say" he clears his throat and his eyes flutter for a second. "About touch..I think" he sounds unsure.

"Like I don't know what a good and a bad touch is?"

"I am very less aware of that. In no way I am teaching you that. It's more about ..umm..I don't ...don't know how to say it..but I might just be able to make you.. feel how like..I won't ever harm you..my touch won't harm you..." he shifts closer but he keeps his arms at the same place where he first put them. He doesn't move. He's waiting for my permission.

"Then do what you came here for.."

"Wha-t?" He looks so bewildered all of a sudden. Like I broke his chain of thought. Like I took his breath.

"You touched me for a reason and you don't want to say it, so do it..."

"You're way too moody right now to understand!" his face falls.

"I'm the one whose being moody now?" I retort.

He withdraws his touch, "I knew this would end up like this!" he frowns. Did I say too much? Am I really being a prick?

But he continues, "do you need something? Tell me, please, I'll get it right here for you. Anything" he asks again.

"I told you" I say calm, "I don't need anything"

"Okay" he moves away from my curled body. "You should sleep. It's a Sunday" he pats my shoulder lightly and I brush my chin against his thumb.

"I don't feel sleepy"

"Then rest. Stay in bed" he pulls away the duvet from top of him and tucks it around my body, leaves my head uncovered.

"Do you have to be somewhere?" I ask when he's done tucking me around like a baby.

"Yeah" he nods. Where is he going? He can't go. I need him.

"Where?"

"I had to be somewhere but I guess he doesn't need me anymore so...I might as well do something productive..." He looks down at his hands. His face has fallen. It's genuine hurt on his face. Who hurt my baby?

"Who doesn't need you, Louis? Did they cancel on you?"

"No. They just refused" he shrugs looking up but then resumes picking his skin

"Who?"

"You.." he's looking at his hands. "You don't need me so where else could I g-o?" His throat is dry I guess that is why it broke.

He looks up, "why don't you need me? Tell me. I'm here, right here, why don't you need me and it's not even about me"

I pause for a moment looking at him hurt for me, "I scared you off. Didn't I?" I scared him off yesterday. He was so scared that he did not come up to me until he saw my normal self. And somehow he can never not-see what happened in this room yesterday. He can not.

He looks like I caught him stealing. "No" he replies slowly and then repeats again, "no"

"As if" I comment. "Accept it or not you were scared yesterday and you thought about never wanting to see me. You thought you'd be better without being with me...it crossed your head"

He makes a disgusting face, "why would you say that to me? After everything you know about me, like I've ripped open every fucking part of my life in front of you and you say that to me? That I never want to see you again? Why? " he feels broken. He looks like I hurt him.

"Because that's what people do. Don't they? You tell me yourself. Don't people leave?"

"Only bad people do. Did Gemma leave? "

"She can't. She's my sister"

"And I'm your boyfriend. Even if I wasn't I'd stay in any other relationship we had. I can't and I don't want to and I don't need to leave. Gemma came running back to you! I would've done the same if I had a chance, if I knew about it. Okay? I was only scared because I didn't want to believe it at first and then when I saw Gemma, it somehow started to feel real, it felt as if you were actually hurt and I couldn't understand the situation and it was overwhelming for me and I got nervous. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you. I'm so sorry..." he admitted. He said it. He got scared.

"It's all normal. Stop worrying so much about me. What you saw yesterday, I've been worse"

"That's all you got?" He sits down at the edge of the bed, looking all done, "that's how you comfort yourself when you're alone? 'I've been worse than this' " he mocks.

I feel ashamed, if you ask me. Him being mad at me right now is justified.

"Right. You don't have anything to say" he crosses his arms at his chest. He looks cute when he's angry. Tiny beings being angry.

"What am I supposed to feel anyways?"

"That you're not alone here. You don't have to keep pushing me away. You don't need to feel like I'd leave you or something. You were the one who made me think about marriage and having children with you, how can you just give up on that?" He sighs. "It has become my dream that I wanna watch happening with you. Don't you want the same anymore?"

My head has seemed to stop working, "come here ..." I say lifting the duvet up. "Lie with me"

"I won't if you don't answer me this simple question" is he going to be this demanding?

"Please"

"No! Have I not been able to make you trust me? Don't you trust me Harry?"

"Come here. Spoon me?"

He gives up, sighs hard, bangs the bed "You're impossible" he frustratingly groans.

I turn around in my place and he shuffles in, placing his body next to mine. His arms lace around my waist and I intertwine my fingers with his. This sudden rush of blood and heat is making me want to throw away the duvet but it's more cozier when Louis is hugging/spooning me. His head is resting on my back. I wish I wasn't this tall right now. I wish I could be small so that I could just fit in his lap. Get a bear hug from him.

"Are y-ou okay?" He asks in a whisper.

I nod a yes. I'm more than okay if he's here with me.

"I'm..uh I'm sorry I got scared. I wanted to be here with you"

"You are"

"No I meant...I couldn't stand seeing you like that yesterday. It hurt me to look at you"

"You decided what was best to do in the situation. So don't worry. I'm okay"

"You are?" His hold seems to relax a little.

"Yeah. You trust me?" I ask.

"Yes. I do" he kisses the back of my head.

"Touch here" I guide his hand to my lower waist. He flinches for a second and I don't force him to move his hand until he feels relaxed again. He's not saying anything and that's kind of like a little worrying but this situation which involves more trust and less talking.

I move his hand a little more lower but it's still above the part where he'd like to choose if he wants to touch me or not. "Touch here.." I ask him guiding his lanky fingers, which feel scared somehow. His thin fingers feel cold all of a sudden and he's hesitating a bit but he has to do this, I'm putting my trust in him. He has to know if he wants to stay here, forever.

"Are you scared now?" I ask him, little lowly, as if almost whispering.

"N-o" he answers, his head resting at the end of my neck. "You told before hand, so I'm like prepared" his breath hiccups.

He's breathing heavily all of a sudden. Is he really up for this? I stop just at the right place. Not too low not too high. Just right. "Feel something here?" I wanna make him touch them myself but he has to do it himself. He has to otherwise it has no meaning.

His fingers move lightly. Just like he brushed his fingers over it. "No" he says still sounding nervous.

"Try again?" His stomach feels not good at my back. He's nervous. He's still nervous about what he might touch. "Are you nervous about what you might touch?" I smile.

He chuckles nervously but still like I caught him doing something wrong, "yea-h"

"Don't worry. You're still very above it" I want to laugh here but it's going to be rude.

"Fuck you, Harry!" He hugs me tighter, "you're laughing while you have me put my hand in your pants. Stop doing that!"

"What? It's funny to feel how nervous you are" I giggle.

"First of all I'm not nervous about touching your penis or whatever. I'm just nervous about what I'm actually going to touch there okay?" He breathes against my neck sharply, "don't make me fee like a fool here"

"I'm sorry" I apologize. This is something serious for him and I'm making it a joke. "I'm sorry"

He tries again, both of us silent, he tries harder this time. It's not just a brush against my skin, he is actually touching them.

"What are these?" He whispers, his fingers still gliding above them and his mouth, just beside my ear.

"Guess"

"This is not a game Hazza!" I love how he gets serious. I love it because then he pays his full attention. Complete attention to things he knows need full attention but other times you might just die asking for his attention. He's completely opposite sometimes and I love it. But wait!

I can't control but smile and giggle at the thought that he just called me Hazza in such a long tome. He must've and he has called me Hazza before but today, today it means completely different.

"Stop giggling. You were a crying mess few hours before and now you can't stop laughing at me. What are you?" Fuck. This statement makes me feel some kinda way. Like all giddy inside. Like if I had a chance, I'd kiss him all over. Like I'd do it. Maybe even fuck him right here. But I'm a coward. Am I not? His hands are down in my pants and all I'm thinking about is how much of a coward I am. I could be doing stuff here you know? But I can't distract myself. I can't because he has to know this. He deserves to now every part of me before he knows accidentally and all of it becomes a mess. I can't see that happening again.

I turn around immediately. He adjusts himself while my turning. I face him, but like his head is above mine. Like he could kiss my forehead without any effort. His face looks frowned. "You know I could've just accidentally touched your penis?!" Why is he making such a big deal out of it? It's not like I'm doing something wrong here. It's not like I'd not let him touch it. Well, only I wasn't so scared about stuff and nightmares.

"So here" I push his arm just a little lower and I watch his expressions changing. He opens his mouth in shock and he immediately withdraws his hands. Why is he so scared to touch mine?

"What the fuck Harry? What the actual fuck?" He moves a little away from me after touching my dick.

"Why are you so shocked about this? It's not like I ..."

"Shut up!! Just shut up for a second here please! "

I stop doing what I'm doing. I feel like I went to far with this. I study his face. His eyes are closed but I can still feel how worried he is. What is he even worried about?

"You're making it all a joke and this is not a joke, Harry" he says opening his eyes. It's not a joke to me either. I'm just trying to make it lighter for him.

"Yeah. I know. I get it. I'm sorry. " I shift closer to him and rest my head at his chest curling myself in again.

He wraps his arm around me. "It's fine you know. It's fine. It's just, I've never done this before, and it's just taking time..."

"Did you have a panic attack yesterday?"

"I don't remember yesterday correctly. It was all haywire inside my head but who knows? I don't even know the difference between normal and panic attack anymore and plus I broke my earphones.." he rests his chin over my head, "I'm sorry you had to go through so much pain. I'm so sorry. If I could I'd go back to that time and save you but I can't. I'm sorry Harry" he kisses my head.

I hug him back and move as much closer to him as I can.

Notes

YAY!! double update! i can't wait to hear louis' new music!

comment, vote and subscribe!

Comments

@LizzyM101
thanks for reading and staying!

boomelou boomelou
2/9/19

@AlexxStylinosn28
Well, it has been the death of me!

boomelou boomelou
2/9/19

JASLKDJGFLSKDJG these 119 chapters are gonna be the reason i fail schools,m fkjsdhabfkljsadhgf

AlexxStylinosn28 AlexxStylinosn28
12/13/18

@boomelou
I should be thanking you for writing such an interesting story. I love how its so unique and not like the other typical stories on this site. There much more depth to it. The chapters always keep me on my toes. PS I love love this chapter and Harry is trying to be brave and intimate with Louis.

LizzyM101 LizzyM101
12/3/17

@LizzyM101
well, thankyou for sticking by. really appreciate the effort! xx

boomelou boomelou
12/1/17