LOST AND STILL FINDING(larry stylinson)
"I don't like it. The way my arms look" I put my arms at the table
"You don't like your tattoos? I love them, specially the rose." He pokes at it lightly.
I wish we were doing this in the dark of my bedroom so that he doesn't have to look at all this; the ugly side of me. He's already felt it but he doesn't have to see it. It's going to ruin him. It's going to hurt him in more number of ways than I can imagine. It's going to be like a trigger memory to him. Like what happened with Carl. I shouldn't do this. He's not going to take it well. He's not.
"You love it? Do you want to look closely?"
Every time he's held my wrist he has tried to feel it, the bumps, wherever his thin fingers moved, he felt it. Even when he says he doesn't like to force someone to spill their secrets, he wishes so desperately that they'd tell him because maybe as much as the person means to him he wishes he'd mean so much or just the same to someone, that they tell him their darkest and the scariest secret. And he does. He means everything to me right now. In this moment, that I've dared myself to do this. And the whole past time I've shared with him, he means everything to me, even for the times to come. To show him my ugliest part, my worst secret that I had nothing to do with but am still part of, I want him to know.
His face has changed. He looks terrified. I didn't mean that to happen to him. He didn't expect this. Believe me if I were sitting where he is, with the mind set he has right now, I wouldn't expect this to follow. Maybe I'm wrong here. I bribed him to this and now I'm making him fall in it. I'm forcing him. I shouldn't have done this.
He clears his throat, which looks like he did something to break the silence. "What?" He bends forward. What he says comes out more as a whisper and then he looks up at me with gawking eyes like I’m something new to him.
I move my hand forward, "you said that you'd look at them only when I tell you"
He doesn't say much. He sits there uncomfortable, breathing in heavily sometimes and then sometimes he's just confused. He looks at me twice before he takes another powerful breath
"I..uh" he speaks but doesn't look at me, "do you need water...anything?" He asks, "I think we've umm...had a little too much to eat..uh, " he breathes, "..don't you think?" He chuckles sadly, scratching his head as he drags his chair.
"Where are you going?" I ask immediately. Why is he leaving? Believe me I'm scared here too. He's doesn't get to be the one scared when I'm lying here bare ready to be bulldozered over with things I've never put in words and said to someone. Everyone who knows about my past never got to know it from me. No one. They knew because they were there with me at that time. Only Zayn knows except family. Ed knows because he asked Zayn and he told him. That too Gemma told him back once when I was worse than I could've imagined I could be. I'm nervous here, anxiety is filling me up and my head is dizzy and he can't leave me hanging here. He just can't. "What happened?" I ask again when he's standing there awkwardly and not saying anything.
"Noth-ing ....nothing happened" he smiles folding his arms at his chest. "Told you...just getting some water" he walks out of the hallway and into the kitchen. I can only imagine what he's going through. I don't even have a single idea of what he went in the kitchen for. Is he even going to come back here? Did I scare him? Did I expect too much? Is this happening too soon? Should I have warned him? I don't know because I've never done this before but he has to understand. I love him so much I can't keep lying to him about this just to keep him with me.
It's been five minutes since I've been trying to breathe. I can't because I've never felt so dry and out of breath that my throat makes it feels like I ate dust. Harry should've warned me. I never expected this. Of course I always kept asking him to share his secrets with me but not this way. It's terrifying to even think about this.
I feel like is should cry. Not because I don't know what to expect here but because I know what to expect. What do I expect? Should I consider all the hints he's given when he was drunk or should I keep my head clear of all the thoughts and take in what he gives me?
I want cry here. Like so hard because I feel the love shredding off his skin and sticking onto mine. Like a new layer. A new layer of love skin because I've felt so wanted, so needed in a moment which I don't even understand. I do not know if I even deserve such pure innocent being sitting there in the hall. I do not know if id be able to handle him if things get worse. Shoud I even be ready for this? Should I just say that he shouldn’t do this? Should I walk away now?
You always see stuff happening around you, in the news. Every time everywhere. All the worst things. And you feel sorry for a while to be living on this planet where so much hate gets birth. And then you forget. Time passes and you don't think about it again until again one day a news article or story flashes. All this keeps happening but no one thinks about this happening to them. No one imagines themselves standing in their place. Or even if they do they don't imagine that they too can be the victim no matter how good or bad. Even if they’re clear about the consequences of it, no one have ever been able to manage it when the time comes. Everyone turns out to be a mess. And I’m no one special.
I walk out the kitchen and I see Harry sitting there patiently just like I left him.
I never heard him walking out the kitchen until he dragged his chair back to sit.
"You were saying?" He begins. He looks calm and composed. Or maybe he's just acting. Who knows what he went in the kitchen for?
"And here, water for you if you need" he hands me a bottle and smiles lightly. Is he supporting me? Is he being strong for me? Or is it that he just wants to hear and then walk out? Or maybe he actually wants to listen to me and be there for me? It's scary to look at him like this. I don't believe this is happening.
"Thank-you... " I keep the bottle aside. "I don't know how to do this, Louis" I begin. "Help me out"
"I don't even know what you're going on about, so how am I supposed to help you then? You’re supposed be strong for yourself here" he states loud and clear. Didn't hesitate a second. I'm kind of proud that he said it. It is true, he doesn't know what to expect so how will he help me?
"I never expected this would happen" I say. I feel so nervous all of a sudden my body is shuddering with every word. We should move to the bedroom. This hall is too big to hear me. It's too huge. I need confinement. I confined space, sitting closer to him.
"I never expect anything anyways. I never expected anyone would be sitting here. If someone told me a few months back that I'd be at this stage where I can actually think about stuff which concerns me, I'd rather have them out of my life than take their advice. Believe me; I never thought I'd find a person like you…" he shrugs at the end.
"You didn't?" He smiles. "Well I never thought I was running towards you. We met and that's all that matters"
"Yes. Very much..."
"Can we like..um.. move to the bedroom? It's getting uncomfortable on the chair." he asks. It's like he heard my thoughts.
"Are you even listening to me?" Is what comes out of my mouth? Seriously though, is he? He's so distracted.
"I am, lovely. I am.." he gets up. It's like he has this guard up on him where whatever I say right won't affect him anyhow. "If you want to sit here I'll sit, no problem. If you want to sit in the balcony or let's go to the terrace. Wherever, I'll go with you. I wanted to see you comfortable" his face changes and he looks calm again. He sighs, his arms crossing at his chest.
"What do you say?" He asks again, "Chair? Or bedroom?"
"Bedroom" I nod. It's nice, the bedroom.
He turns around to dab his feet across the hallway.
"You're wearing my shorts’ " I follow and look at the shape though.
"They're washed right?" He gives out a nervous chuckle.
It's funny to hear him laugh like that, "probably more number times than your laundry gets washed"
He turns around to look at me, as he’s standing near the bed and is about to crawl up, his eyes narrowing. Can you imagine the scene? His ass pointing towards me when one of his knees is on the bed, in my shorts, his eyes narrowed looking at me? He's more than attractive a person can get. You imagine people when you're horny and play with themselves in your head all the time as you want. But when that person is there in front of you, you never know what surprises they might bring. Of course with what I can see Louis' more than great in bed, more than a squealing squirrel and less than a needy lion. I wish I reach that stage someday with him. I wish. Because if I don't I'd be missing out a part which is so normal yet something I'd like to achieve.
When I concentrate back on him, he's already sitting with that thick ass and a pillow on his lap. I never noticed this before but his hair is long. Not longer than mine but of course it's somewhere long. And then he does this swirl of his neck where he just puts his hair behind his ear and sets them. Wow.
"C'mon!" he whines, " the bed is cold" he pats the empty side.
I hurry up to the bed. He's demanding sometimes. Like very and sometimes it feels good and satisfying to see his needs get fulfilled. Like if he asked me right now to go for walk I'd do it. If he asked me to go for shopping I'd do it. Even if he asked me to massage his feet I'd do it.
"You know I've had this back ache since the morning and this is the only time I've actually felt it? That's how much attention I pay myself..." He shakes his head in disbelief. "I gotta spend sometime with myself..." It's like he's talking to himself. Blabbering away about stuff he doesn't even know he's talking about. "..and it's like May already and I feel so warm all the time and sometimes it's like when I'm out I feel like I should just take off my clothes and feel the sun..." He laughs suddenly, "think about it..." He pats my knee vigorously, "how funny...and it's a shame, you know, that as a child I hated beaches...otherwise maybe I would’ve been a complete different person." He voice gets high pitched suddenly. Is he okay? Is there something troubling him?
I sit beside him my left hand wrapping around his waist. "You know everyone would go to the beach during summer every weekend and I'd stay back home? I never went. I was so freaking scared. I never did. And now I see why..." There is definitely something troubling him, " It was because of Carl. He would stop me usually, until I was 11. Because he had to go intern somewhere and someone had to stay home, so I would..." His body has tensed. I can feel it.
"Your parents never took you along?" I ask. Parents usually do that.
"Wha-t?" He suddenly turns to me. Like he's taken aback. "..you were listening?" He frowns unsure.
Of course I was. He's too loud and tensed to not have my attention. "Yes. I am."
"Am I being too loud?" His voice quiver all of a sudden. What's got him worried?
"No you're not. You're speaking and I'm listening. That's all that's happening. You need something?"
"Okay" he breathes, " no I don't need anything "
"So you were saying?"
"Yeah… that my mum never forced me. She'd ask me thrice and then she'd let me do whatever. She is a nice mum. My dad's kept changing so I never felt obligated to them anyways" he shrugs.
"There's something about 'constant' that no one ever gets" he continues, sighing so hard, as if he's fed up, too tired to do things that no one understands. "You don't have to act in front of them. You don't have to be someone else in front of them, they know how you are without judging you, you don't have to unwrap yourself once again. It's always like you don't need to do something by thinking about it first. You do it. It's very easy around them" he's picking the skin at his nails and I'm pretty sure they're going to bleed any second.
"Why don't you lie down for me? Here.." I straighten my legs in front and pat at my thigh.
"Huh.." He looks so confused. He doesn't know what's . "..what?" He says airy.
"Come rest your head in my lap and I'll pet you?" I try again. Maybe he'll be less worried ad more relaxed. I can talk about my stuff later if he wants to talk about his stuff I'll listen. I don't need to hurry if he's not ready.
He keeps the pillow aside and lies down his head resting lightly on my lap. I start petting him with one hand the other one he's hold tightly.
"You know this is what happens when you're not ready to talk about stuff, even if it’s with someone you're more than comfortable and even when you want them to know. You sometimes can't. There won't be any reasons behind it. Nothing but sometimes it's just impossible.."
"Don't yeah me" he sasses. I want to laugh but I don't. He's serious and laughing would be rude.
"Don't sorry me either" he shakes his head. "Tell me you understood every word" he's firm in stating this.
"I did. I get what you said"
"Tell me what I said" he doesn't even sound troubled anymore. He's trying to prove something here and I need to catch the exact point.
"Um.. that it's okay to not tell people about something when you're not comfortable talking about it"
"Repeat this in your head once again and tell me if you get this" he keeps ordering me to do things and I'm doing it. And when I think about it, I get it. I get it more than anyone ever will.
"Did you just.." I'm out of words and his words touch me more than anything ever will. I get it, why he decided to distract me from talking about my stuff. He saw me uncomfortable, he saw me I was struggling, he saw me how I didn't want to talk about it but he didn't let me simply do it because I had to and because he had to know, he didn't let me do it because it's not necessary to do things when you're not comfortable. He says it's okay. He says it's okay to not tell someone something or something just because it's necessary to. It's okay if you don't feel like talking about it.
And if he says it's okay, it's okay. He did this because he saw me trying to fumble words out of my mouth when I wasn't even sure how I'd frame those words which I haven't even said before. I haven't even said that to myself once. Never. I am still scared to call my self that.
Believe me it feels more than relief to my dizzy head. This is more than relaxing and satisfying than talking about it would have been.
My hands move smoothly over his head, brushing his hair through my fingers as if it's relaxing me more than it's relaxing him.
"Thank you" I say ashamed.
"For?" He looks up immediately his chin resting on his palm over my thigh.
My hands brushes through his hair, "for what you just did. Thank-you"
"You're the one whose doing everything. You set the table, you planned the night. You're the one petting me, don't thank me" he shrugs smiling. How can he do this? Be confused about things a second ago and then be so clear in his thoughts the next second. How is he like that? I'm still new to his tactics and talents and he surprises me every second I spend with him. Not a single second passes just the same. Not one.
"Anyways.." He continues, "do you wanna know something? I think you should know this.." He nods, "yes you should" he quickly gets up and sits down crossing his legs and I cross mine too. We're sitting facing each other. He's holding my palms in his.
"Then tell me!" I get excited for a second.
"Okay." He sighs like content, "it might get a little gloomy but keep listening okay?"
"Yes. Okay" I nod and squeeze his palms in return.
"Do you know the exact reason why I came here? The exact reason I'm sitting here?"
"Yeah because I never told you... It's not even that big of a deal now. It's done and gone and I'm over it. Because I'm starting new, starting fresh with you, because I can't imagine another day without you Harry. I can't. I can't imagine that. I don't want to spend another day of my life alone and if I don't get you I wouldn't want anyone..else" he breathes, "..there can be no one else"
"Don't say that.." I wanna hug him. His words. I might even cry and no one can stop me. "you would wanna try...there are so many options"
“this is not a game. I don’t want to choose because I have you.” He breathes contently, "I'm glad you brought me here. I might not be able to put feelings into words as better as you do but believe me, the moment I saw your car when I was about to drive away from the funeral, my stomach dropped. I couldn't exactly fathom in the feeling of seeing you again. That's why I drove away that moment. I don't even know how you found my address? How did you?"
I smile at this, " I had the receipt of the delivery your mom sent back when you shifted here. I had it. It had your address"
"Clever. I anyways never wanted to be in that city. I ran away because sometimes the over thinking would be so much that I wished my head would blast. When Carl died, I felt as if he took me with him. I couldn't take it. How is a 13 year old child supposed to take in a suicidal death of the one he looks up to the most?" He shrugs, "I don't know. It didn't affect others so much than it did me because after that I thought my friends would help me out but they didn't."
"Your friends never helped?"
"Nope. They didn't. What had they done to listen to my pain?" He smiles, "nothing, right?" It fades, "Sandy, the one you saw talking to me that day, he went around spreading rumours that Carl died because he hated me and that he couldn't help being my cousin and that is the only option he had and just to make me go through the misery he did this" his face changes completely. "Stupid, Right? A stupid idea for a stupid rumour. But kids believed him and they'd tease me. It didn't matter to me much, that what's I thought. But it did affect me somehow. No one looked at me till my senior year because old or new everyone judged me by what Carl did. They even said that someday they might find me in the same position. Like self harm and such. But I didn't do it, just to spite them. Ofcourse when things happening around me only focused on me, how was I not supposed to get effected?" He takes in a sharp breath.
"All this looks like it's just little and petty or how I could've ignored it or just confronted them. But I didn't want to. I just wanted to finish my school and part ways with them. So I did" he might've started shaking a little but im holding him so it's okay.
"That's when the stalking started. They'd stalk me at least once a month. Either they would hit me or they would trash my car. Trashing was okay. I ignored. I kept ignoring just because I thought if I didn't give them the attention they needed it'll make them walk away. But they didn't. The first, one and a half years of my college went fine, no stalking no trashing. I was relieved. I was a happy gay in college. No worries" he smiles, "but then in the 3rd year, Sandy joined. I thought he'd finally forgotten everything and he wouldn't repeat any shit here. Why would he? He didn't have the whole crew. But guess what you can still build up a new crew if you want to trouble people. There's always this group who wants to bully no matter 2014 or 2017 or 2022. You'll always find one." He's been acting so strong till now. And I'm here for him, no matter what.
"You said 1 and a 1/2. What about the other half?"
"You're listening carefully. Thankyou" he smiles all giddy, "my maternal grandmother passed away that time. It was hard on my mom she doesn't take leaving well. And that’s how my abandonment issues hiked up. Everyone who I thought would never leave left. My father, Carl, my grandmother, my friends, my grandfather; everyone kept leaving and my head still can't wrap around its meaning in my life. Why did everyone had to leave?" He breathes in shaky.
"But then after this group came in, another new rumour went on. I found it when people started joking about it on facebook. They'd tag me in all sorts of murder jokes. I didn't get it at first but then I heard two guys laughing about it on my face. They said that everyone knew I murdered someone, 4 years back. The fact that they didn't even know who they were talking about got me angry. They said I'd gotten away with it by posting it as a suicide. Can you fucking believe it? They fucking joked that I killed Carl. I killed him?" I can see anger on his face clear as day. I understand him on every level.
"I finally confronted Sandy. After 4 fucking years of this...I confronted him thinking I'd be able to stuff sense into him but how can that happen? Who could find brains in 4 years? how can one minute of talking help? So I asked him that why was he doing all this? What pleasure would he get out of all this..." His lips quiver and now I'm worried about him.
"What he said hurt me more than the rumours. It hurt me more tha-n being called a murderer. He said that making me see getting wea-k day by day gave him joy. That he saw me turning into this frail person and he got pleasure from it. That he would be the happiest if he saw me -dea-d" he purses his lips in a thin line. Louis broke. Louis broke when that stupid Sandy said that to him. I wish I could see Sandy right now and punch him in the face for doing that to Louis. I feel this anger rising inside me about this person I do not know but I know enough to pay him for what he did to my Louis. I shift closer to him.
"What did he know about death that he said that to me?" He's crying. His voice is heavy and he's crying, "i-i don't know if he experienced anyone close to him dying or anyon-e close to him leaving but h-how could he have meant all t-hat? How do you say to someone that you would be the happ-iest if you saw them dead? H-how? How does death come to people as a joke?" He's still holding my palm and his knuckles are turning white.
"I asked him the next day why he wanted to see me dead...” he straightens his face, “He acted as if I was annoying him so he started screaming at my face, abusing me, calling me names but I wanted to know the reason right?" He takes in a sharp breath, "he said he always got everything he asked for and I didn't let him get this one thing. It was because of me that he couldn't be the football captain back at school. So he'd wish every time he saw me that I was dead"
"That dumb fuck. How stupid were his reasons? Stupidest I've ever heard. If he had just asked me once. If he'd just gave me choice of giving up the captain title or getting bullied like this for no reason at all, I'd have given him anything.."
"Him blaming Carl's death on me? Why would he? That's when all the drinking and smoking started. I don’t even know how I found this as a solution. Mark wasn't even in the picture until then. In a month I was so addicted to all of it I would pass out at the corners of the streets. I got robbed once like this. They took everything, even my cellphone. But I got home somehow. I remember someone helping me to the bed that night, so when I woke up with this heavy head I saw Mark snoring beside me. That's when I realised I wasn't really alone here. I went on being selfish for about 6 months that I never realised that Mark had also lost his elder brother and we both should've been their for each other" he's not crying anymore but his face his still wet.
"C'mere " I say finally wrapping my legs around his waist and he does the same. Sitting this close to him makes me feel like I have my whole world wrapped around me and it's all that I'll ever want. I pull him in and he rests his head on my shoulder.
"I got hospitalized twice for drinking too hard after that. My system wouldn't accept any more of it. My mom was shocked. She looked at me with this hurt of how could she have not noticed and I said it wasn't her fault. But mums’ don't believe you when they have to. Do they?" He smiles at my neck.
"Never " I murmur.
"So after whole 2 months when I’m fine with my health, I'm shitting in my shitty bathroom and this thought crosses my head that this is not want I wanted. This is not where I thought I would be after school. This is nowhere near where I imagined to be. I was 23 by then. It was October, and I thought to myself that what did I do wrong to have been stuck here for the past five years? I wanted to be away from this place which constantly reminded me of things I wanted to be away of. So I thought of running away every night. And then one night I did and I ended up here" he wraps his arms around my waist and buries his face in my neck.
"I love you" he says squeezing himself in even more and he plants a kiss at that spot on my neck.
I love Harry so much and no one can take this away from me. Not even him himself. He cannot stop me from loving him. My heart feels right.
"I love you" he says back, his hands moving up and down my back. Sometimes I imagine him fucking me. And it’s hard to not imagine him doing it now. But I can't do it until he lets me get to that point.
"I'm sorry that I distracted you from not letting you talk about what you wanted to talk about" I place another kiss at the same spot. I suck at the same spot. I love how he's bending his neck away to give me more space and how his hold on my waist has tightened.
"No it's okay. It wasn't at all planned. It would have been a disaster" he moans lightly at the end. Fuck this is what gets me high, to be able to make him moan. A human so huge squirming under me. It’s like I have an effect on him which makes him go insane.
"You sure?" I bite at the spot, earning another groan from him. Fuck! Yes. There’s a sudden rush of heat inside me.
He hums in agreement.
“but I’m so sorry you know, you planned all this for yourself” my hips lift up and I want to rub against him. He hasn’t shown any signs of uncomfortablness until now and neither is he refusing my actions so I guess it’s well and good. “I shouldn’t have just taken this opportunity way from you, I’m sorry” I am. I realize it now. I’m working both ways. First I wanted to know and then when he finally planned to tell me I took it away from him. “I’m so sorry” I move my lips to his jaw line, licking every part that crosses.
“I told…you” he says airy, “it’s totally fine Louis. I know why you did it..it. it was helpful on your part. I want to thankyou for thi…” he holds my face in his hands, “thankyou” he kisses me, “thankyou” he kisses me again, open mouthed and my heart drops. I love it. I love him. I pull his lower lip between my teeth and he groans. I love him.
“you know..” he takes my tongue between his lips, “…I sometimes get so scared...” I say and he hums in return, his tongue licking my lips, “..scared of things that I don’t understand..and it..it’s hard for me to understand them..” he pulls me down on his lap, trying to rub against me and “fuck” I groan, “..but you..you make everything so easy…I want to thank you...with all of my heart..” I bite his lower lip. I’m going to lose my shit if he doesn’t touch my heated up skin underneath my tshirt. It’s like I’m a burning cracker and he needs to touch me before I burn away. I push him towards the back rest, his head tilting backwards giving access to his neck. I kiss his face, his nose, his cheeks every spot that I’ve ever laid my eyes on. He’s breathless under me. i can feel it, he’s panting against my chest, his heartbeat so loud I can feel it against my palm. I pause for second to look at him; to look at this beauty all red faced. He
S the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
“you’re like a baby” I kiss and I pull away and I see his face, all crimson red and his eyes half lidded. I don’t ever wanna be away from this face. Never in a million years I’ll ever don’t want to be near him. “I love you” I take my tshirt off and throw it away.
“do you need water?” I ask him, he looks a little distorted.
“n-o” he says his breath breaking. His looks so pretty I can’t not want to touch him all over.
I watch his eyes travel my chest. His hands move slowly from my stomach, upwards covering every inch under his skin. His hands feel so cold against my burning skin, yet they’re warm. They’re getting warmer, burning now even, as they move slowly against my sides; his rings roughly grazing my sin. He watches his hand move from my stomach to my chest and he presses a little harder near my nipples with his thumb, I shiver under his touch and he watches my reaction. He just sits there and watches me like I’m a video, recorded.
“thank you for bringing me to the beach, to this place where I am in my life” I say, genuinely thanking him as his hands lay flat on my chest and my heart banging against his palm.
His moves are a little slow and they’re moving me to my edge. I’m going to fucking come if he doesn’t stop teasing me like that because I’m painfully hard now, in his shorts since the moment I wore them. Fuck!
His hands move to my neck and he pulls me down to his face and he studies it quietly, “I wish other people who hurt you, saw the softer side of you more often” he says hoarsely an inch away from my face.
“They don’t have to. Do they?” I ask
He shakes his head a no, “but then you said they were stupid reasons they went behind you for, yes?” he asks studying my face.
“Yeah. Way stupid” I watch his lips forming words so slowly.
“No reason is stupid if they got themselves to hurt you. What do you think, if they had a more proper reason to go behind you, like something more of a personal reason, you would justify their actions? Like you would take all the violence just because their actions had a proper reason?”
“No” I shake my head, while he’s caressing my cheeks.
“you wouldn’t right? No one would. What do you think murdering someone, hurting someone, violating someone is justified, is okay, if they give you this long valid reason behind it? No it’s not okay. It’s not fucking ok-ay” his voice breaks, fuck. Is he taking this all to himself?
“..hey” I squeak softly touching his face, “you don’t have to stress over it. It’s fine now. I don’t let anything like that enter my head anymore. It’s all done and gone. That’s why I let Sandy go off that day. Because I don’t want to be a part of it anymore.” I kiss him making sure he’s okay.
“okay” he nods shutting his eyes for a second. It looks like he drifted somewhere away.
“okay?” I ask to make sure he is.
“yes” he nods, resting his head on my chest.
“Let me make it up to you, Harry. Please....” I plead. It’s like I’m an open to him now. There’s nothing in my life that’s going to hurt me anymore.
“make it up to me?” he looks up his chin resting at my chest while im on his lap, hard.
“mhm” I nod and kiss him, “let me make you happy. Let me satisfy you” this is the bravest I’ve ever been.
“w-hat?” his eyes look surprised. Did I ask too much? He moves a little away.
“there’s nothing I have to tell you anymore. Nothing. I’m all naked and bare in front of you, like in every meaning of the word. Let me make love to you” my heart beats are banging so hard, it might wanna just jump out.
He looks confused, confused of things happening. I ask, “is it too much? Did I ask too much?”
“No. You didn’t”
“ If you’re not comfortable then-“
“It’s not that Louis…” he doesn’t look at me, completely disappointed in himself.
“you’re not a virgin, you told me that”
“yeah I’m not..” he says, his tone sad. He’s not looking at me anymore.
“then?” I don’t want to force him, “I’m not going to force you, harry”
He’s shaking suddenly, not crying just shaking. I can see his lips quivering “it-its not you Louis. How can you fo-rce me? You’re such a- a dear..” he looks up, his eyes red and his face all upset a tear rolling down his cheek.
“what’s the matter? why are you crying?” I get off his lap, “tell me” I shouldn’t have distracted him before.
“I thought I was over this...bu-t I’m not..i don’t think I’ll ever be...” he sobs, “it gets so much on my nerves sometimes. My doctor she’s trying so hard for me to forget it but every time I’m in a situation like this between us, I collapse. My guards fall. Please help me” he buries his face in my chest.
“Hey..it’s okay” I hug him , “it’s fine. I’ll wait longer. I don’t mind” I try to look at him but he’s not.
“No it’s not okay” he pulls away angrily, his face turning red, “it’s not. I don’t get to keep you hurting. I knew I would hurt you like this. I knew it. I shouldn’t have brought you back from where you were. You would’ve been happier there…”
“what are you saying? Didn’t you hear me? I’m the happiest here”
“you’re lying. In the past months, since you’ve met me… all I’ve done is hurt you. Got you hospitalised. Nick got behind you. I hurt you so much the past month. I wasn’t there when you needed me. I wasn’t. I’m a bad boyfriend. I didn’t even try to stop you. I almost made you drown that day on the beach. I keep refusing to satisfy you. That’s not what I’m supposed to do. I’m not good for you…” I cry at his words. Why is he doing this? He’s hurting me now more than he’s ever done.
“you’re hur...hurting me more now than you’ve ever done. Don’t say all that. I get it if you don’t feel like having to get all naked in front of me. It’s fine. Don’t take all the credit on being the bad one...i forced you to tell me things you didn’t want to share. It was my fault and I walked away from you that day. Don’t take the credit for this...” I’m crying so much and he doesn’t even care. He’s sitting there crying on his own.
“I’m sorry. Please walk away now….now so that I don’t ..i don’t have to hurt you this much again...you’ll find someone who deserves you”
“Why are you saying this? You’re making me angry here, Harry. Stop fucking saying all this!!” I hold him by this upper arms, “stop, already!”
“what is it that I even have that you want to stay? I can’t even give you this basic need..ho—w…” he breaks down completely.
“fine” I drop his hands, “if that’s what you want. Tell me things that’s troubling you first and then I decide if I get to stay or walk away. You don’t get to make decisions for me”
“I’ve never made decisions all my life. Never…” he sobs, hiccupping, “my parents did everything for me. People at school dominated me, I’d play what they wanted to play. My parents put me in boarding school. I never told them I didn’t want to go… how could I? I had everything I didn’t even need. And then at school I fell in love with this boy. The only thing I decided myself and it turned all wrong. Complete fucki-ng wrong…since then I’ve never made decisions..none” he hiccups again.
He’s a crying mess. I didn’t want this to go like this. I’m so out of breath at his words I don’t even know if I should comfort him. This is such a difficult situation to handle. This is too much. I shift closer. I move my hand to his knee and flinches so hard he looks up at me differently.
“don’t touch me!” he removes my hand from his knee. Why is he refusing my touch?
“hey?” I try again softly and gently and more careful now. “I’m not going to hurt you..” I say and move for his shoulder but he retorts again and moves away from me.
I’m out of breath at this. I can’t control him anymore. He’s not going to stop crying. He’s refusing my touch. I don’t know how to handle me right now, how will I control him? I can’t control myself anymore. I move away from him and he buries his head in his knees. I don’t know who to call. Who would understand him right now?
I get down from the bed, taking in a deep breath. I’m dizzy. If my head could process the stuff happening I’d tell you how to handle the situation but I can’t even see clearly right now. I choke on my own breath. Who should I call? I can’t even remember any names. I start to cry. I feel so helpless and alone, how do I help him? How do I help a person whose broken more than boundaries of our body allow? How do I help a person who I see broken but cant move forward because he wont accept my touch?
“Where are you going?!” harry startles me when he shouts. Its nerve wracking when he shouts.
“uh.. nowhere..”I say trying to control my crying.. “nowhere” I repeat. “well do you..uh need water?”
“no” he says still crying but he’s softer
“what do you need then harry? Tell me. How am I supposed to help you if you don’t tell me what you need?”
I turn around to walk away and then I hear him fumble out words, “i..” he began so I turned around again, “Louis? Ar-e you listening? I’m only going to say this once…”
“yes I am” I nod wiping my face. Finally. I think. He’ll tell me what he needs.
“I – I was violate-d” he purses his lips and suddenly this room his dark. A black hole I want to sink into and take him with me. “In every worse way you can imagine. The do-cotor’s, they said..” he’s crying again. “the doctors said I wouldn’t live” I can only hear his voice in this dark room. Even if I rub my eyes to see clearly id only see the dark of this world. The darkness this world has laid Harry upon. I want to break things and hide myself in some corner so I don’t see his face anymore.
This world isn’t a nice place, they said that when I was a kid. You gotta be more careful, they said. Be with people that make you happy, they said. Be kind to others, they said. Always help the needy ones, they said. Never hurt others , they said. And you’ll get back all the nice.
This is not what nice is. This isn’t how you imagine nice to be. This is nowhere to nice. This is just fucking unbelievable and I could kill someone right now if it meant I could see Harry smile again.
Harry? He’s the nicest and purest person you’ll ever meet on this planet earth. And I wish he was famous so that people could appreciate him more, the little dorky character of his but with such a huge heart.
Everything makes me cry for him. It makes me want to lay my heart and soul bare on the floor for him. It wants me to not see him anymore because that’s not what he needs anymore. He needs his part of justice.
My feet haven’t moved from their place and I feel like I should just hide inside this sand, earth that is.
I feel disgusted with every breath I take and every sick thought that crosses my head. I want to go bang my head against a wall because how could I not see what he wanted to tell me? How could I not feel all that? How could I have not sensed it?
I made him talk about it. It’s disgusting and painful to think about it.
It’s unbelievable and wrong and cruel and for a moment I wish that if Harry wasn’t a part of this planet I’d tell him to go back to the place from where he came. This world doesn’t need pure souls.
well its here! hope you like it.. do comment!
lots of love.
ps: i might've shed a tear or two.