His Bandmate

I really don't understand why people say that the mind is the safest place to be. How can that be when everything inside there is just a mess. Every doubt, weakness and uncertainty is there, making you question everything all the time. All the mind is good at is challenge everything you say, do or think. It's disturbing and tiring.

I've been laying here in my bed, staring at the ceiling for a good amount of time. I know every single inch of this roof and could paint it with my eyes closed. I've studied it for way too long and is now starting to see pictures in the thin shadows displayed there by the light coming from the window.

There has been a couple really hard days now. My emotions is all over the place and I don't know how to handle it. The support and care from Harry is amazing, I'm so grateful to have him by my side, though I can still see the pain this is causing him, even if he tries to hide it. I know how much this would hurt him and for that I'm in excruciating pain. I would never want to do anything to damage Harry. And Louis and his hurtful words cuts me deep. I know that he knew about me and Harry and our night, Harry never made any thing about hiding it, which I knew and understood. Like me, who told Lea the first thing I did, he told his best friends – Louis being one of them. And I know that it's sick of me to have slept with two guys in such a short amount of time, making me unsure of whom would be the father of my unborn child. If I'm having one. I know that it's not fare, and Louis is justified to be hurt, but still. His words hurt me more than I could ever admit to anyone. I wish he didn't know. I wish I could have all this to myself for just a little while longer, at least until I'm sure of whether I'm pregnant or not.

Harry has been texting me every hour since he left me on friday, which is sweet, but also gives me so bad conscience. I should tell him, but I can't. Not until I know for sure. I don't want to hurt him more than I have too.

Yesterday was hard. My mind wouldn't stop spinning and I was out of it the whole day. I was working with Lea and she was so kind and made sure that she took all the work related things where a brain was needed. I got stuck with the cleaning, but I didn't mind. I barely remember anything else than that I felt so scared. I am. I'm scared. I can't be a mom, can I? I don't think so. I'm freaking out.

I close my eyes real tight when the shadows on the ceiling start to look like faces and eyes staring back at me. I shake my head a couple of times before sitting up. I'm off today, which don't really help me. I'm just going to sit and be restless and terrified for tomorrow. My mind wandering off to places where it shouldn't go. But tomorrow, finally I will know the truth. Tomorrow.

I pic my phone up from the bedside table when it vibrates.

From Harry
Could you sleep love?

He really has done everything to make me comfortable, except coming over. I know that they had a work-thing last night, which I think was hard for him, but I'm pretty glad. I don't know how to act with Harry, even though he's the sweetest person on earth. I just don't want to make this harder on him than necessary. His distant support is as much as I can handle.

To Harry
It was ok, thank you. What are you up to?

I step out of bed and throw some sweats on and walk into the kitchen. I need some tea.

From Harry
I'm at my cousins house. Not really feeling it today. What are you doing?

I read the text while pouring the hot water into a cup and hear someone knocking on the door. I get over to the hall and answer the door, feeling shocked when I see the sweet face of Lea stand outside.

“Hi?” I say a little confused.

“Hello, lovely.” She replies and push through the door to get in.

“What are you doing here? Aren't you working today?” I ask, while stepping back into the kitchen and bringing another cup down from the cupboard.

“I was, but I changed shifts with Lisa, because I thought you might need some company.” She say and take a seat on the couch in the living room. I sigh, feeling both relief and irritation.

“You didn't have to do that.” I say as I hand her the cup and sit down beside her. Of course I'm thrilled to have her here to get my mind off everything, but I don't want her to change her schedule because of it.

“I know that I don't have to, but I wanted to. I know you're going insane in that head of yours. We have to do something to bring you out of it.” She say and smile sweetly at me. I can't help my heart from swelling at this wonderful woman beside me. She's so thoughtful and kind. It's crazy that she hasn't gotten a man down on his knees yet and begging to be hers. Though I can't really reply her smile, I haven't been able to since friday. I'm too terrified.

“Thank you.” I mumble before taking a sip of my hot tea. It relaxes me a little. “What did you have in mind?” I ask, wondering what could bring me to think about anything else.

“Well, first you need to get a shower and get ready. I will pick something out while you're in the bathroom.” She say and pushes me off the couch.

“Fine, fine.” I say and walk into the bathroom, remembering that I never answered Harry.

To Harry
Apparently I'm spending it with Lea, don't know what she has planned yet.

I put my phone on the sink and turn the water in the shower on before stepping out of my clothes. The water runs down my spine, making my muscles relax a little. I feel exhausted from these two last nights sleeplessness. Friday night was horrible and I cried in the hallway of my apartment for an hour after Louis had left. I was destroyed and it took a while before the sobs decreased and I could manage to get myself to my bed. While there I cried even more before I finally fell asleep for an hour before the alarm went off. I couldn't sleep last night either, though I didn't cry. I didn't have the strength.

I dry myself with a towel and as I wrap a smaller towel over my hair I hear the phone buzz again.

From Harry
Good. Try to relax. I'll speak with you later. x.

When I get out of the bathroom, Lea is standing with her nose in my wardrobe. I pull a pair of panties on and a bra. I hear her mumble something to herself, but I ignore it as I dry my hair with the towel and pull a brush through it.

“So, I was thinking we would go out for lunch since it's already twelve.” She says, coming out with something in her hand. I raise my eyebrows at the dress she's holding. A dress? “You need to look good, it will help you feel good.” She say and hand me the dress. I don't even feel like arguing with her, so I just put the dress on. It's long, and almost reach the floor. It's white and blue stripes. She hands me a pair of tights to wear under so it doesn't get so cold. And then a black cardigan over that. I do feel pretty in this dress. It skims my body and show off my curves.

“You look amazing.” Lea say when she looks at me through the mirror.

“Thank you.” I say and pull my hairdryer out to dry this mess of a hair. When it's dry I pull it up in a ponytail and put a little mascara on. I do feel better when I look myself in the mirror, I at least look better and not as tired as before.

“Where are we going?” I ask Lea as I pull on a pair of boots and my jacket.

“I was thinking Green Heaven?” She asks and I nod. They do have good food.

We walk out of the apartment and out onto the steps outside my apartment building. There we stop as we see a familiar shape further down the street. I feel my stomach turn and my heart has definitely kicked up a notch. Louis is walking forward and then stops and turns around to walk back a few steps before he turn again and continues to walk towards us. His hand ranking through his hair while walking. He look like he's in deep thought and I don't know how to feel about seeing him. He looks up then and stop, his cheeks flush when he sees us. Probably realizing that we saw him hesitate.

“Uhm...I...eh...hi.” He stutters, getting even a deeper shade of red. “I was...ehm...I just..” He continues and I hear Lea snicker beside me. I elbow her in the ribs while biting down on my bottom lip. He seems tense. I do like the soft side of Louis that he's showing and his nervousness is cute.

“Hi.” I say, interrupting his stuttering. I see him take a deep breath before trying again.

“I just wanted to come by with some food.” He say, cheeks still red and he's holding up a paper bag. I can't keep the smile from spreading across my face. He brought food for me? That's very sweet and nothing like the Louis that I've been seeing the last couple of weeks. It's more the action of the old Louis, the Louis who visited with my dad in Philadelphia. I've missed this Louis.

“Oh, thank you.” I say low, feeling my cheeks turning a little pink too. What am I suppose to do now?

“I guess you're on your way out.” He say, looking from me to Lea and lowering the bag while biting his lip. I feel my heart rase in my chest. Why does he have to do this now? I could stand hating him, it was easier. Now he does something sweet and I don't know what to do anymore.

“Yeah, we were going to get some lunch.” I say and look over at Lea, she's just smiling, humor is her face and staring at Louis. “But, eh...I can take that for later if you want?” I say, pointing at the bag. I feel sorry for him coming all this way and bringing food.

“Oh, no. You don't have to do that.” He say and lower his head. I walk down the few steps down to the sidewalk.

“I want to.” I say and hold my hand out, waiting for him to give me the bag. He looks into my eyes for a couple of second before before handing it to me. He looks back at Lea and then to me again. I think he wants to say something, but don't since Lea is precent. I want to ask her to leave, but that would seem weird.

“Okay, well...I'll see you later.” Louis scuffs quietly before turning and walking down the street again. I keep my eyes on his back as he walks down the street and soon feel Lea's body-heat beside me.

“What the hell was that?” She ask, snickering. My eyes flicker to hers before going back to Louis who is entering a car further down the road.

“I have no idea.” I whisper, feeling the shock in my whole body.

“That was kinda cute.” She say and push her shoulder onto mine. I turn and roll my eyes at her before going back up the stares. “Where are you going?” She asks with a frown.

“I'm putting this in the fridge.” I say and hold the bag up for her to se. She smiles and shakes her head.

I feel my hands shake as I try to put my keys in the door. I take a steadying breath and try again when I fail. I'm a bit irritated with myself for letting him effect me this much. This side of Louis is the one that I like though, the thoughtful and kind side. If only it was his only.




“Can we please drop it?” I whine, picking up a t-shirt from a shelf. I feel my cheek flush again, which is something that I've done every time she's brought it up. It makes me very uncomfortable.

“Yes, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to pester you about it. I just think it's cute. I can see why you like him.” She say and shrug. I feel my eyes widen at her words. I shoot her a glare.

“I do not.” I growl. Though I know that I'm lying. She gives me a smile, telling me other wise too. I sigh again and she tries to hide her smile as we look trough the rest of the clothes in this store.

“I'll drop it.” She says finally and we walk out of the store and in to the next. I don't even know what I'm locking for. I walk by the special clothing for pregnant woman and shoot a gaze at it, feeling my stomach drop. It's impossible to ignore and not think about it. My life might change forever. My hand rush to my stomach as an instinct I didn't knew I had. I look down and pull it away immediately. I shake my head and walk past the clothes.



I drop down on my couch when the time hits eight. We've been walking through the city, Lea making me buy two pairs of jeans, a dress and two sweaters. We took two coffee breaks and a manicure and pedicure before we ended the day when my legs weren't working anymore. I practically forced Lea to let me go home finally. I feel exhausted and my body is tired and aching. I thanked her several times for the wonderful day, she made the day go faster than it would have done if I'd been home alone. I can't understand what I've done to have such a good friend.

I pull myself off the couch to go change out of this dress and put the bags away. My feet are hurting though I got a massage with the pedicure. It feels better when I've gotten some sweats on and washed my face. I walk into the kitchen, opening the fridge to see if I've gotten some food. We never eat any dinner since the last place we took a break at had a huge ice cream sundae and I was full after that. I see the brown bag that Louis came with. I bite my bottom lip as I take it out and opening it. Inside is a couple of tacos and I can't keep the smile from my face. I feel my stomach rumble and I put two on a plate and into the microwave. I fill a glass of water and bringing everything to the living room when the microwave beeps.

I turn the TV on and take my first bite of the tacos. It taste so good, even when it's reheated. I flip the channels until it stops on a simple romantic movie. I decide that I want to text Louis, I feel like it was weird when he was here today, especially with Lea present.

To Louis
Thank you for the tacos, they are so good.

I press send and feel my pulse rise. I take another bite and enjoy the taste as I watch the movie. It's one that I've seen before, but it's that kind of movie that you can see countless of times without thinking it's boring. That kind you know what's going to happen the first time you see it, but don't mind. I feel my heart kick a beat when I see my phone light up on the table.

From Louis
You're welcome. Sorry about before.

I feel my stomach tighten by his message. I don't know if he refers to earlier this morning or friday night, though right now I really don't care. I decide here and now that I don't have the strength to keep a grudge against him either way.

To Louis
It's ok.

From Louis
It's really not, but thank you. Hope you can sleep tonight. Please tell me what happens.

I feel a sting from that message. He does feel a little on the outside of this. Harry is more part of this than anyone, even if it might not be his, but he still doesn't know that. I guess that because of Louis asshole-way I've been ignoring his feelings in all this. Mostly because I didn't knew he had them. I could be nice for once, just with this. Then I can go back to ignoring him.

To Louis
I will. Promise.

I watch the whole movie before getting ready for bed and crawling under the sheets. I thought it would be impossible to sleep tonight before something so big, but I feel myself drift off in just a matter of minutes.



I look at the watch for what feels like the thirtieth time in the last minute. I'm sitting in an uncomfortable chair in waiting room of my doctor's office. My hands are sweating and I'm having trouble breathing. Right now I regret not letting Lea or Harry come along with me. I didn't think that I wanted anyone with me, I thought it would be weird. But now I could use someone to calm my nerves down.

I did fall asleep quickly last night, but I also woke up at four and couldn't for the life of me fall back to sleep. So I've just been waiting since then. Waiting for this information that could either ruin my life or make one hell of a scare. Either way, I don't think my life will ever go back to the way it was. Something has changed.

I was so eager to go this morning that I was almost an hour early for my appointment and has been sitting here ever since. I doesn't make my nervousness any less. I'm fidgeting with my fingers and looking around me in the small room. There is a woman to my left that's caressing her huge stomach with one hand, it looks like it's going to pop any minute, and holding her husbands hand with the other hand. I feel a little queasy by the sight. What if that's me in a couple of months? Who will be the one sitting beside me then? I curse myself for not knowing who would be the father.

“Julianne Chandler?” The nurse from the front desk ask and I look up, feeling my pulse increase. I stand up on shaky legs and walk past the small child playing on the floor and then the very pregnant woman. She smiles up at me and I try to force a smile onto my lips, not succeeding.

“You can wait in here for the doctor.” The nurse directs me into a white small room with a desk, two chairs and a gurney in the corner. I take a seat on one of the chairs and nervously tuck a strand of hair behind my ear. Only a couple of minutes passes before the door opens up and a woman in her late forties walks in. She has a short blond bob and a white coat. She smiles kindly at me before stretching her hand toward me.

“Hi, Julianne. My name is Dr. Turner.” She sits down on the chair behind the desk.

“Hi.” I say breathless.

“I'm sure you want to get this over with, so why don't you walk into the bathroom across the hall and pee into this cup? And we will find out the answer to you questions.” She say and I nod, not able to say anything. I feel my hand shake as I take the cup from her and walk out of the room and into the bathroom in the hall. This is it. This is when life could possibly change. Will it?

I have a little trouble peeing, the nerves making me too tense. I sigh when I finally can do it and then wash my hands when I'm done. I slowly step back into the office that I was in before and Dr Turner smiles up at me. I hold out the cup for her to take.

“So, how many days late are you?” She ask as she puts something in the cup. I clear my voice.

“Eight days now.” I say, my voice very low. I feel like I've been counting these days for ever, over and over. I feel her eyes on me, but I can't keep them away from the stick she has in the cup.

Oh shit. This really is it. What the hell should I do? I feel like I'm gonna faint.

“Okay, well...” She takes the stick out of the cup. “You are...”

Notes

Ohh, I just feel your hate right now! ;)
Me, making a cliff hanger? Nooo.... I would never! ;P haha!

Hope you like it though. What do you think, will she be pregnant? Who would be the father?

Give me lots of comments and I will give you the next chapter very, very soon (like tomorrow)!!
xx.