I sit quietly on my couch, staring at the calendar laying on the table. I've been doing this for about fifteen minutes. It feels like my chest has tighten up and I no longer get enough air into my lungs. This can not be happening, this is a dream – a nightmare, it has to be. I've counted the days over and over in my head, even out loud, but they always say the same thing. I'm five days late. Fuck!

This can't be happening, I can not be pregnant. I'm not ready for a baby, far from it. Besides...who would be the father? I bury my face in my hands and groan. I'm such a whore! Who does this? Who do not know who the father of their unborn child would be? Well, me apparently. Not that I know for sure that I'm pregnant. Oh please let me not be! I can't even think about how I would tell the guys this. To see the pain in Harry's eyes as I have to tell him that I've slept with his best friend and I don't know if he or his friend is the father...

My chest squeezes in pain. I can't do that. I will loose him. I will loose everything. I run my hand through my hair and pull at the roots. I feel so disconnected from my body right now. This has been the longest day ever. I haven't been able to think about anything else while working, since the thought came to me as Lea complained over her menstrual cramps. I've been home a half hour now and is still wearing my shoes. I slowly pull them off and throw them toward the door. I cover my face with my hands again and sigh. No.

“Heellloooo.” I hear a voice shout as the door opens. I quickly closes my calendar and pull myself off the couch as I walk to the hall. My legs a little shaky.

“What are you doing here?” I ask as Harry takes his shoes off, smiling up at me. It tugs on my heart. Shit, what if I will ruin his life?

“I told you I was coming, don't you remember that?” He says with a grin, chuckling at my confused expression. “I brought food.” He say and hold up the bag of food from one of our favorites tapas places.

“Oh okay.” I say and scratch my neck, not sure if I can handle him being here.

“Go change and I will put the food out.” Harry say and wave me off. He knows me too well, I always change into more comfortable clothes when I'm home. I hate sitting around in tight jeans if I don't have too. I agree and walk into my bedroom, bringing the calendar with me and putting it on the bedside table as I pull a pair of yoga pants from the closet along with a big hoodie.

“Hey, your answering machine is blinking. I still can't believe that you have one of these.” I can hear his chuckles through the walls.

“It's retro.” I yell back as I pull the pants up. I smile at the normal conversation, he's always teasing me over my old-school answering machine.

“Can I press play?” He asks, sounding excited like a child.

“Sure, it's probably just my dad.” I say, no one else really calls me at home. I pull my hoodie over my head and walk into the hall when I hear the answering machine click on. My heart starts beating hard in my chest when it's a womans voice and not my dad on the tape.

“Hi Miss Chandler, this is Dr. Turner from Scotts maternity clinic. I wanted to verify your appointment for a pregnancy test on monday. I will see you at teen o'clock. Bye.” The womans voice speak. I've frozen at the entrance to the kitchen. Holy hell! I see that Harry has done the same. His head directed towards the answering machine and I can see that he has a hard time to breath. I don't even think I've taken a breath since she started speaking. I can't tear my eyes from his tense back and I feel like everything is moving in slow motion. I feel myself breaking down, every piece of me falling one at a time.

Slowly his head turns and his eyes move to mine. I take a deep ragged breath as I see the pain and confusion on his face.

“Pregnanc...” He can't even finish the word. He has a deep frown between his brows and his mouth is slightly open. “Are...are you...?” He fumbles for the words. “Are you pregnant?” He finally ask and I close my eyes for a second, squeezing them tight.

“I don't know.” I say, my voice so low and distant that I'm not even sure if he heard me.

“But I...we...didn't we...” He stammers, running a hand roughly through his hair. His eyes scan the room, as If looking for something.

“What?” I ask, feeling like I won't be able to stand much longer. My legs feel like dough.

“We used a condom, right?” He ask, pinching the bridge on his nose between his thump and forefinger.

“I don't know.” I whisper and feel my cheeks get even hotter than they got after the woman stopped talking. I'm so embarrassed to not remember our night together. It still pains me not knowing anything that happened, not that I really want to know.

“I think we did, but I was too fucking drunk. Fuck!” Harry raises his voice and slam his flat hand on the cabinet next to him. The loud thud makes me flinch and I feel my eyes water from shock. I didn't want him to know, not like this. “Oh, no. I'm sorry.” He say and walk closer to me as the first tears slip down my cheeks. He wraps his arms around me and I bury my face in his chest and sob. He coos me, lightly stroking his hand over my hair, his cheek pressed on the top of my head. “I'm sorry.” He mumbles into my hair.

I don't know how long we stand like that, but finally my cries decreases and I have no strength to stand any longer.

“Can we sit?” I ask, my voice raspy from the crying.

“Of course.” Harry say and pull me towards the couch and pull me close as we sit down. “I'm sorry that I reacted that way. That's not like me.” He say low into the side of my head, one arm wrapped around me and the other holding my hand. I feel safe in his arms, which in some way is weird.

“It's okay.” I say and dry my cheeks with my sleeve.

“No, no it's not. I shouldn't react like that.” He say and his thump stroke the back of my hand. “Have you taken a test?” He ask, I can feel his eyes on me. I see how much he is trying to be strong, his body is shaking trying to stay calm. I think he wants to cry himself, but holds it back for me.

“No, I wouldn't believe it whatever it said. That's why I booked that appointment.” I say and feel my cheeks flush. But it's true. If a test from the drugstore showed positive, I would break down, but still not truly trust it, same if it showed negative. I wan't a certain answer, even if I have to wait for it. I need a doctor to tell me.

“I get that. Though waiting for monday feels like a lifetime.” Harry mumbles beside me.

“Tell me about it.” I sigh. I feel so bad though, since I don't even know if Harry would be the father or not. It was only a couple of days between the two of them. I'm such a slut! This is such a mess and he might not even have to be dealing with this. Though his support feels good right now.

“What can I do?” He ask when I lean my head against his shoulder.

“Nothing.” I state. There is nothing to do than to wait out this weekend, it is going to be the longest weekend of my life.

We sit there for a little while before Harry's phone starts to buzz. I lean away from his as he tries to pull it out of his tight jeans. I still don't understand that he can be using such tight pants.

I feel so guilty for not telling Harry that this child might not be his. If there even is a child. Oh dear, please don't let there be. I love children and I do want them, but not right now and not when I'm not in a relationship. Harry would be a great father, he would be the best, but I can't ruin his career that way or his life. And Louis...I can't even picture him as a father, his asshole way doesn't really scream father of the year. I groan inwardly.

“I forgot that I promised the guys that I would hang with them tonight.” Harry mumble, more to himself.

“Oh, it's fine.” I say and his eyes search mine for a while, I think to find something in them that says that it's not okay. I would give him a reassuring smile, but I can't make my lips do as I want, so I just stare back.

“Are you sure? Do you wanna come?” He ask and I feel my heart kick up a notch at just the thought of seeing Louis right now, though I'm not sure that I should. And with all this, I don't think I would survive faking my mood to everybody.

“Yeah, it's fine Harry. I'll just eat some of all this food and then I'm going to bed.” I say and gaze at all the food that Harry's put on the table. We haven't even touched it. His eyes move to the table.

“Right, I forgot about the food too. I don't really have an apatite anymore.” He groan. I feel a sting in my stomach. Just the hurt that I hear from his voice at the thought of me being pregnant, it breaks me. I don't want a child with Harry, but some part of me feels sad that the thought is so disgusting to him. I think he can feel my discomfort, because he takes my hand and squeeze it.

“You know that I will do anything for you, right?” He say and I feel my cheek heat a little. I nod, but keep my eyes on the table in front of us. He brings his hand up to my chin and push it up to make me look at him. “I will.” He state and his eyes is sincere. He stops a tear with his thumb as it glides down my cheek. “We will get through this together.” He say and give my hand another squeeze. My heart tugs at his words. Both happiness for his support and sickness for the falsehood of not telling the truth.

“I know.” I whisper and close my eyes. I feel so tired, so exhausted by all this. The fright of me possibly being pregnant and Harry's kindness and reassurance.

“Good.” He say and stand up and I move with him towards the door. I don't want him to go, but I feel like I need to be alone also. I have to think about all this. The thought has not passed my mind before this.

“I will call you tomorrow, and promise that you will call me if you need anything, whatever it might be.” He say stern and pull me into a bone crushing hug. I wrap my arms around his waist and lean my cheek on his chest. His arms is engulfing me and his lips are pressed against my hair. “Everything will be alright.” He say low. I don't know if it's for me or himself, but the words feel uncertain. He pulls away and move over to the door. “Call.” He say one last time.

“I will.” I promise and lean against the wall as he gives me a little wave and walk out through the door and closes it. I sigh loudly and glide down to the floor. I feel drained.

---

I get woken by a loud thudding, my head is cloudy and messy when I sit up and try to open my eyes. It's the front door. Who the hell is banging on my door? What time is it? I turn to my phone on the bedside table. It's four in the morning. What the hell?

I'm so tired. I couldn't sleep last night, so many thoughts running through my head. Everything's a mess and it's all because of me. After Harry left and when I manages the strength to get off the floor, I eat a little of the food he had brought and then I put the rest away. I tried to take my mind off everything by cleaning and doing laundry, but nothing helped. I ended up on the couch at last and watched mindless television before going to bed. While there I layed and stared at my sealing for a couple of hours before finally falling asleep way after one in the morning. This interruption didn't really make my sleepless night any better. I groan before standing up from the bed and pulling the yoga pants on that I had on last night. I rank my hand through my hair, but ignore it when my fingers get stuck.

I walk out into the hall and look through the peephole and feel my breathing stop. No way! I try to take a deep breath and swallow as the banging keeps coming on the door. He will wake up my neighbors. I open the door and step back as it sways open and I can see Louis standing outside of it, breathing hard. He looks lost and a little surprised. I take another step backwards and he step inside the apartment and closes the door behind him. I don't want my neighbors to hear anything. What is he doing here? I keep my eyes on the floor in front of me and try to breath normally.

He doesn't say anything, just stands there and watches me. I feel my cheeks flush under his burning gaze and I'm starting to feel awkward, more than usual.

“What are you doing here?” I whisper when I can find my voice. I feel uncomfortable in my tight pants and t-shirt without any bra under. I crosses my arms over my chest, hiding a little. I know I look like a mess with my unruly hair and tired face.

“You're pregnant?” He ask, ignoring my question. I closes my eyes at the words and my stomach clench. Of course Harry told them. He should be able to confide in his friends, that's healthy. Though not so practical when I've also slept with one of his friends. I didn't want Louis to know. At least not until I knew if there was anything to know.

“I don't know.” I say low, I still haven't opened my eyes. He's quiet, but I can hear his ragged breathing.

“Does Harry know..” He ask and I interrupt before he can say the whole sentence.

“No.” I know exactly what he's asking. He's wondering if Harry knows about us. But I think we both know that if he did, Louis would know about it. I look up at him and he's nodding and biting his lower lip. My eyes move to his mouth involuntary and I feel my pulse rise. Oh, stop Juli!

“So you don't know who...?” He ask, his voice low and I think a bit irritated. Though I can't blame him. I would be pretty angry with me too. I am. I'm pissed at myself for not knowing who would be the father of my child. My supposed child. I shake my head and look down from his lips.

“Nice.” He says ironically and laughs a little, the laugher's a bit off though. I can feel the venom coming from the word. I don't have the strength for this right now. His hurtful words will destroy me more than I already am. “Such a fucking...” He stops himself when I cover my face with my hands. I know exactly what words he was suppose to use. Whore. Slut. Hooker... you choose. I can't take this. I slide down the wall and rest my head against my knees. A small sob escaping my lips, though I didn't want him to ever see me cry. I can't keep it inside.

I see him hesitate by the door, I don't know if he was about to come towards me or run out the door, but he stands still. A few minutes goes as I quietly cries and he stands there watching me.

“Leave.” I say when I can find my voice, though it's broken. He doesn't move. “Please.” I whisper begging him though I don't look up at him.

“Will you at least call me when you know?” He say, sounding panicked. I haven't even thought about how this would affect his life. I only thought about Harry's career and life, though the same applies to Louis too, I guess. Either way I would probably brake up the band, which makes everything hurts so much more.

I nod at him, without looking up and hear him sigh before he opens the door and leave. As soon as I hear the click of the door, I full on weep as I sit on the floor of my hallway.

Notes

It's a bit emotional right now. Poor Juli, though she did this to herself! :P
What did you think of the guys reactions?

30 chapters already done, wow! It goes so fast. I really hope you like it!

I love you guys! Please comment and rate!
xx.