The pain in my head is making it hard to hear anything else than a loud thudding in my ears as I lay in my bed after just woken up. I feel an itching on my left leg, but ignore it since my whole body is in pain for some god forsaken reason. Alcohol is a bad thing! But why do everything hurt? Did we skydive without parachute or something? I also feel nauseous. What did we do last night? I remember the mint shots that Niall gave to me, they made the taste in my mouth so much better, but they hit hard in my head. We danced for a while before Liam joined us again. I laughed so much, it was a blast. Everything else is kind of blurry and I can't really focus on any details. My head hurts too much when I try.

I start to move my hands in small circles to get the blood flow going, taking one body part at a time. I'm very pleased that I'm waking up at home at least, it's so much better than if I had to get home when I feel this bad. Taking the buss hangover is not a pleasant thing.

I freeze as I feel something move beside me in bed and my eyes open up big in shock. There is something in my bed, someone. I look to my left to see a body laying under the bedsheets, covered up from top to toe, so I have no idea of who it is. I let out a shaky breath as I lay there trying to remember what the hell happened last light. I was dancing with the guys, Liam telling me that I was such a good dancer as he put a hand on the small of my back. Was it Liam who I took home with me? I feel a shiver go through me. No. Please no. I can not have slept with two of Harry's bandmates, how the hell would I explain that to Harry? Though I remember talking a lot to Zayn too. I stop breathing for a second. He would never do that to Perrie right? I would never do that to her, right? RIGHT?!

My heart is beating frantically in my chest. I close my eyes hard, wishing that the body beside me would magically disappear. But it's still there when I slowly open one eye. I need to know who this is. Who did I sleep with last night?

I sit up slowly, feeling my body ache. My naked body explains most of the pain. I see my bathrobe lay on the chair next to the bed and pull it over, wrapping it around me before standing up. I sway a little as I stand on both feet, my balance is a little off and I feel lightheaded. I take a deep breath, trying to be quiet as I walk over to the other side of the bed. I stop where the head of the person shows under the sheet. I can't believe that I'm doing this. Louis at least had the decency to sneak out before I woke up. This is kind of worse. I mentally hit myself for not knowing who I slept with. My hand is shaking as I reach over and take a hold of the edge of the sheet and pull it down.

I stop pulling and drop the sheet, staggering backwards as I see the brown curls cover the familiar face. No! Oh fuck. NO! I stumble into the bookshelf behind me, making a book fall down with a thud and a few things rattle. I hold my breath as I watch to see if I woke him up. Thankfully his breathing never changes and he continue sleeping deep.

Why, oh why? Why did I sleep with Harry? I feel my stomach pull tight.

I can feel the tears threatening to come forward. This is not happening. This is a dream. A nightmare. I pinch my arm and want's to scream by the pain. Shit! I take a few steps away and open the door to my bedroom and sneak out, closing the door quietly. I walk into the kitchen and stop. What the hell is happening? Why would I sleep with my bed friend?

I feel my knees shake and I slide down the refrigerator door to the floor. I keep my legs bent and lean my head in my hands resting on my knees. Something inside me breaks and the tears starts to flow down my cheeks. My breathing staggers and small whimpers comes out before I hold my hand against my mouth, trying to be quiet. I wan't to melt through the floor. I don't want to be here.

I can't believe this. Why would I destroy the best thing I have here? Why would I sabotage our friendship by sleeping with him? Why?



About forty five minutes later I'm sitting wrapped up in a blanket on my couch. I have a big cup of tea in my hand, which I haven't been drinking and is now cold. The tears have stopped, but the pain shooting through my body feel endless. I stare out into nothingness, my eyes blurry and my mind cloudy. I jump a little as I hear the click of the door to my bedroom. My heart starts to race and my breathing is shallow and quick. I don't look up, but see him enter the living room in the corner of my eyes. I can see that he's dressed and I sense the awkwardness in the room.

“Hi.” His raspy morning voice say. It sounds more like a question than a greeting. I see him fiddle with his hands nervously.

“Hi.” I say low, looking down at the cup in my hand.

“So..” He starts and I panic. I can't do this.

“I have a lot to do today.” I interrupt him and stand up, taking my cup into the kitchen. I pour the full cup down the sink. I feel Harry's presence as he follows me into the kitchen.

“Oh, okey. Well, you'll call me later?” He ask and I sense the doubtfulness in his voice. I close my eyes as I stand with my back towards him. This is too much. This is too painful.

“Mhmm...” I answer him non committal. I feel him hesitating behind me and I swallow hard. Please go. I can't look at him, I feel so nauseous that I could vomit.

“Okay...bye.” He mumbles before leaving the kitchen. I hear him taking his shoes on and pausing, probably deciding if he really should go or not, then I hear the front door open and closing. The click of the door tears me apart and I fall down on the floor, sobbing like a baby.

Is this friendship over? It can't really stand all this can it? First dating, then breaking that up and keeping things as friends and now this... I slept with Harry. Fucking Harry! How could I be so stupid? Even though I was drunk out of my ass, I should never sleep with him. I kind of wish that I would have slept with Liam instead, I could deal with that at least. I can't deal with this. I can't.

How will I ever look Harry in the eyes again? Suppose that he would ever want to see me again. My body hurts so bad, my head is killing me, but it's nothing to compare with the pain in my heart. It's broken to peaces. I'm broken.

---

I wake up that saturday, feeling tired and my body empty. I haven't slept much these last couple of days, though I've spent most of the time in bed. I haven't talked to anyone, even though Harry has called a couple of times. I just don't know what to say to him. I can barely think.

I hear the beep of my phone. Right, that was what I woke up by, not my alarm. I reach for my phone and see one new text.

From Louis
Can we talk?

I groan and throw my phone on the floor. I can't deal with him too. Not that I'm dealing with Harry really, I just can't think about other things beside him right now. It's the relationship with him that I've ruined. I sigh before pulling myself out of bed. Might as well get ready for work.

I stand for a long while under the steaming water of my shower, trying to wake my mind and body up. I feel out of it, cloudy and strange. I don't know what to do to fix it. I throw some cold water in my face after getting out of the shower. It helps a little and make the puffiness under my eyes less noticeable. I need a little more makeup than usual to hide the lack of sleep on my face. I putt my hair up in a ponytail and throw some jeans on and a simple black sweater.

I sit on my couch for a while, staring out of the window until I need to go. I haven't really thought about what I should tell Lea. I haven't talked too much to her since I left for Philadelphia. It wasn't easy to talk to her when I was over there since Louis always was nearby and I wasn't suppose to tell her anything about us, so I couldn't talk about him with her then and now I don't even want to. I don't want to tell her about Harry either, but I think I have to. I have to talk to someone, otherwise I'm going to go crazy.

I shake my head a couple of times before opening the door to the bakery to wake myself up. I see Lea light up as she sees me, but then as she eyes me she frown, definitely seeing the darkness under my eyes. I put my jacket in the back and pull my apron on as she takes care of the customer that she was dealing with. I know she will want to talk to me, so I stand waiting leaning against the counter.

I close my eyes for a couple of minutes and wish that I was back home in my bed, I'm so tired. I open my eyes as I hear Lea say goodbye to the customer.

“Hey!” She greets me as she comes over, giving me a hug. It feels nice to feel her warmth against me.

“Hi.” I say and try to give her a smile, but it's difficult. It feels strained. She narrows her eyes at me.

“Has something happened? You sounded better when I talked to you on Tuesday. This isn't because of your aunt right?” She ask, waving her hand in front of me. She looks worried at me and I sigh.

“No, it's something else.” I mumble, looking down at my shoes. How the hell do I tell her this? It's so wrong. “I...uhm...” I stutter, not really sure how to say it. I scratch my forehead. “I slept with Harry.” I whisper and see her eyes widen.

“YOU WHAT?” She shouts and I shush her, looking over at the few people sitting at the tables, giving them an excusing smile as they stares at us with shocked faces. She apologizes to them and when they turn their heads back to their breakfast she turns to me. “When did this happen?” She ask lower, but with an eager voice.

“Wednesday. We went to a party.” I bite my lip.

“What party?” She ask and I frown. Why do that matter?

“Carl's.” I say and when I'm about to ask what that has to do with anything her voice get louder again.

“As in Carl Taylor?” She ask, her eyes are now huge.

“Yeah?” I say uncertain, I still don't get why this matters when I've done the stupidest thing ever.

“Wow, why didn't you invite me? His parties are legendary.” She say dreamingly. “Was is fun?” She ask smiling. I frown.

“Getting off topic here...” I complain and she seems to have forgotten the part where I've slept with Harry, because now her face gets confused again.

“Right, sorry! What happened? I thought you said you didn't have feelings for him? I thought you had moved on to the other hottie, Louis?” She say and raise one eyebrow at me. I sigh, the thought of Louis makes me feel even worse. I don't want to think about him.

“I haven't moved on to anything and I don't have feelings for Harry. I mean, he's my best friend, but I don't feel like that for him. At least I didn't think I did. I don't know what happened. I got so fucking drunk, I don't remember anything.” I say, feeling my eyes fill up with tears again. Lea put her arm around my shoulders, brining me in for a side hug.

“Maybe nothing happened then, if you don't remember it.” She tries to comfort me.

“I woke up naked, with him naked beside me. Believe me, we did it. Even my body said we did.” I say and a tear slip down my cheek. I quickly wipe it away. We get interrupted by a customer coming inside the bakery and up to the desk. Lea goes over to help the woman, while I take a couple of deep breaths, trying to calm myself down.

When the woman is satisfied and have paid her breakfast, Lea comes back to me.

“I'm sorry sweetie. What have he said since then?” She ask as she leans against the counter like me.

“I haven't talked to him.” I shake my head. “I don't know what to say.” I look down on the floor. I see a cinnamon roll stuck under the counter and I should probably pick it up, but can't make myself do it.

“You have to talk to him, if you want to save your friendship I mean.” She say and give me a pained smile. Is that even possible? That we could have a friendship after this? A thought comes to me that I haven't thought of before. Was Harry as drunk as I was that night? Did he remember what happened? Did he do this consciously?

Did Harry have feelings for me?

Notes

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