Reviews with the Reader

So far I think this story is good. I really like that it is half based on a true story and half fan fiction. I can really relate to that, because I hate my guy best friends girlfriend...hehe. There were small mistakes that you might want to go back and look at, but other than that this story is good.

First, your chapters are very short. I don't mean to come across as rude, because I can tell you are really trying to make them longer as you go. There are some things you can do to help with things like this such as: adding details that help you imagine a scene better, slowing your thought process down, and putting spacing between paragraphs and dialogue.

For example:

"We're doing floor hockey in PE. Yes! My team: Louis, Anna, Cloe, Alex, and Sarah. Sarah is my best friend too. I don't have many classes with her though. I am goaly, Sarah is defence. Perfect. Niall is on the team we're against. His place is on the other side of the gym."

Possibly change it to:

I walk in to the main gym, instantly smelling sweat and perfume trying to mask the smell. We are playing floor hockey today, which is one of my best sports. We got in to our teams, on my team we had:(state names here).

I think you kind of get the idea, and just little details can change your entire perspective and emotion on a certain scene in a story. Also if you explain things in more depth, it can help the reader understand what something is. You do mostly a good job on this,but you might want to work on it a little bit more.

Also just simple grammar errors, things like: spelling out any number under ten, using uppercase letters when it's proper, or things like misplaced commas. Usually things like this can be fixed if you read over your story a few times before you make it public.

Other than little mistakes like that, I really like where this story is heading! I like the non fiction and the fiction parts in it too. Overall I think that if you slow your story down a bit then it will have very good potential.

Overall rating: 7.5

Notes

If you do not like your review, or find it offensive in any way, please ask me nicely to take it down. I will take it down ASAP! I hoped I helped in creating your story or making it better.

❤ This_crazy_girl