It Never Ends

*illianna’s POV*

“Why are you so concerned about Clements?” Louis asked me.

Everyone at the table was staring at me frantically. I really startled them.

“I used to have a friend who goes to Clements. I just never would have thought you guys would have to play them.” I stutter.

“Oh. Well, who was your friend?” Louis asks, suspiciously. Everyone from the table leans in to hear.

I look over to Zayn and Ariana. They both shrug at me, letting me know that I can tell the group about Nathan. If I wanted to of course.

The bell sounds throughout the lunchroom. It’s time to go to fourth period class.

I hurriedly gather my bag and sling it over my shoulder blade. I stop, realizing that I have to wait for Louis and the rest of the group.

“Was your friend a guy or girl?” Louis asks again. He probably won’t give up until I give in.

The gang notices the tension building between Louis and me, so every couple goes their own way. I’m scared that this will lead to fight or worse, a break-up. I guess its okay to tell Louis about Nathan.

Besides, he deserves to know. There’s a possibility that Nathan and I will meet again.

“Um, I used to date a guy from Clements. He’s a soccer player.” I admit, watching Louis’s eyes darken.

His brows furrow and his eyes start to flint.

I can see that he’s jealous. Maybe this was a mistake.

“He’s a soccer player? Who is he? What’s his name?” Louis questions, his voice shaking.

“His name is Nathan. He’s the forward for Clements.” I mumble, looking away.

“And when did you two start dating?”

“When I was freshman. He was a sophomore at the time.” I say, nerves flooding my body.

Louis is mad. He isn’t holding my hand and holding me. He’s walking next to me, not looking at me. And I’m scared on how this will end.

“How did you guys meet?” he snarls.

“When Clements played us my freshman year. We we’re playing at their school. Nathan was in the crowd and came up to me after the game.”

“So how did you start dating him?”

“We exchanged numbers. I didn’t care that we went to different schools. I really liked him and he treated me with so much respect. He looked at me the way all girls want to be looked at.” I chant, remembering the times shared between me and Nathan.

Nathan spoiled me rotten. He bought me all the clothes a girl could ever want. I used to dress up just to impress him because I loved receiving his compliments.

All the girls from Clements hated me because I dated Nathan. But I showed us off in front of them, because I knew I would never lose him.

He would always bring me to music concerts and professional soccer games. I would hang out with all his friends and I remember their names clearly. It was Nathan, Tom, Max, Siva, and Jay. They were so much fun to be around.

Nathan would adore me, and kiss me, and hug me as if I was the last girl he would ever be with.

But then that one tragic event happened that changed my view completely about him. That night I won’t forget. I hated him for doing that to me. For ruining me.

And it hurts to remember how close we were back then. And now he was one of the reasons that I was afraid to fall for someone again.

And now my boyfriend will play him in the playoffs this season.

“So are you going to run back to him or what?” Louis snaps, looking at me with hurtful eyes.

“What? No.” I confirm, hurt that Louis would think that.

“By the way you described the relationship, it’s as if no one would ever treat you right. Uh mean, did you not realize that you were speaking out loud illianna?” Louis judges.

I close my eyes shut, disappointed that I hadn’t realized that. I probably just ruined my relationship with Louis.

“How long did you two date?” Louis wonders, pulling me to the side of the hallway to not get bumped into by the oncoming students.

“For about year. But who have to know that….” I start to explain before Louis cuts me off.

“And why did you two break up?” he intervenes.

“He uh… I-I…um.” Is all I can get out of my mouth. The night I broke up with Nathan is a memory that always haunted me.

It’s easy to tell someone, but I can’t do it. I really had strong feelings for Nathan. And our break-up shook me for days. I was on the edge of breaking down and no one was there to save me.

But what happened between me and Nathan happens to a lot of people. I just never understood why I was so depressed and felt unwanted.

“Tell me Lily. Please.” Louis begs.

My tears trickle in my eyes and my chest becomes tight. If Nathan saw me now, he would most likely be laughing at me. I feel so stupid for letting that one boy cast a curse on me.

He’s the reason why I didn’t want to give Louis a chance in the first place.

“Just tell Lily. You don’t have to cry.” Louis sighs, wiping my tears away with the apex of his thumbs.

I back away from him. He will probably hurt Nathan if I tell him what happened. Zayn was out to hunt and kill when I told him. That’s why he didn’t want me dating Louis. And that’s why I was so depressed. I struggled with eating and low self-esteem issues after I left Nathan.

Supplement shakes replaced every meal I was supposed to eat and I lost a lot of weight because of it. I always felt that I was too ugly, or too fat, or not wanted, or that I was never going to be good enough to please anybody.

But it’s something Louis would never understand. No one will.

“I have to go to class. Mr. Sullivan will be pissed if I’m late again.” I say, trying to ignore Louis’s face.

“No. Not until you tell me what’s going on. You are not just going to cry for nothing.” Louis whines, grabbing my hand.

I try to set my hand free but Louis tightens his grip.

“Get off of me! I need to go.”

“illianna! Stop being stubborn. Just talk to me. You can trust me, I’m your boyfriend.” Louis pleads.

“You don’t know me. You don’t know half of what has happened.” I sob.

“Then tell me.”

“I can’t.”

Louis shakes his head and let’s goes of me. He looks away from me in disgust. Disappointment across his face. And it reminds me that I will never be good enough.

“I want to help me. But you have to cooperate with me. I like you and I want to be with you. You have to help me if you want this relationship to work.” Louis whispers softly.

“I don’t know if I can do that.” I whisper back, more tears falling.

Louis face changes from disgust to sorrow.

It’s funny how I can say something that can change a person’s mind about me.

“That’s how you feel? That’s how you feel about me?” Louis reckons, rage in his voice.

“I’m so sorry….”

“Forget it. I guess we really weren’t meant to be.” Louis concludes, stiffing his shoulders.

“You’re breaking up with me?” I sob in anger. I didn’t want this to happen.

“It’s obvious that you don’t want to be with me. Just go back to Nathan. See if he takes you back.” Louis throws in my face.

“Don’t say I never gave you a chance. Asshole.” I growl.

I turn my back on Louis and storm away into my fourth period class. The tardy bell has rung which makes me the only person walking down the classroom hallway.

I slide into class with acknowledging Mr. Sullivan and take my seat. The lesson has started but there is no way I can concentrate right now.

I place my head on my desk and cover it.

My tears fall more freely now and I fight to keep the sobbing noises in.

Hopefully no one will be able to hear the little depressed girl who will never be good enough for anything let her emotions run loose.

Notes