Always.

The ride home was quiet, well not exactly quiet I guess. You could hear my dad’s deep breaths, and I honestly don’t even know why I came home with him. I had my own car at the school, but I’m probably not in the best condition to drive anyway so I would just have to stand being in this car for a couple more minutes while my phone goes off in my pocket.

I checked a couple times, purposely ignoring the text messages that were sent from Harry. I guess word really does travel fast around school because all of my friends had sent messages asking if I was okay. I didn’t want to respond, but I didn’t want to worry them either. So I send them a ‘doing alright. We’ll talk later.’ When I’ll actually talk to them, I’m not sure.

“I can’t believe this.” My father finally began to release whatever anger he was feeling inside. “Making friends with a psychopath?”

“He isn’t a psychopath.” I say, defending the person who almost shot me and wondering why.

“I was working too, I don’t see why you couldn’t have just driven yourself home. Or just gone with Harry.”

“I get it, you can stop now.”

“No! I can talk to you about the stupid decisions you make as much as I want!” he smiles, it’s sick. It actually makes my stomach turn.

“How was being friends with someone a stupid mistake?!” I yell. “He’s” was. “a nice kid! Maybe just a little misguided, I don’t know. But, if just this one time you could not make a situation worse, can you stop blaming it on me?” I look out the window and see we’re on my road.

“It probably was your fault.” He says pulling into the driveway. “You were probably messing around with him while you were with Harry.” He spits.

I look up at him, nothing but anger controls my body. So many words flying through my mind, so many physical actions I want to take, but instead I just look him in the eye. I don’t say anything. What does that make me? It makes me just like him. A pathetic loser.

“Don’t talk about shit you don’t know anything about.” I warned, grabbing my stuff and jumping out of the vehicle while slamming the door behind me. Hopefully he was going back to work for the rest of the day, or the rest of his life. I couldn’t care less.

I slammed every single door on the way to my room and threw my bag down on my bed. I paced back and forth several times yanking at my hair, throwing anything I could grab, screaming. My body was shaking before I just finally fell to the ground crying, sobbing. This sucked, this really fucking sucked.

Everything, my stupid father, Niall. Harry. What even caused Niall to do that? He couldn’t be crazy, I know maybe I should think that he is but I just know something was up. It was scary, so fucking scary. I didn’t know what I would do if anyone got physically hurt. I couldn’t stop the emotional pain, not just for me, but for the three of us. Niall looked truly sad when he faced the gun towards him, and I couldn’t watch it. I couldn’t watch someone end their own precious life in front of me. I think I would rather die than having that happen.

It took me a while of sitting before I finally realized where I wanted to be.

I grabbed some longer workout pants since it was chilly outside and a gray sweatshirt and laced up my running shoes. God, did I hate these things. They were the worst thing, well not necessarily the shoes, just running. I hated it, but sometimes it was the only thing that I could do, and I just had to run.

I put on my armband and plugged my headphones into the phone and slid it in. It would be about a 5 mile run there, and another 5 back… I guess the saying “Go big, or go home.” really does apply here. But I couldn’t drive anyway.

So I began my run leaving my door step and prepared myself for the next five miles that I wanted to get done as quickly as possible. I wanted to pace myself, but I am complete shit at that, and I figure that the faster I run, the faster it’s over.

When I’m about three miles in, I want to kick myself because I forgot to bring water with me. I’m panting and my legs are already aching, and I know they’re going to be even worse tomorrow. Like, who runs 10 miles?

As I see my destination come to view, it’s as if all the struggle, pain, and regret of that run disappeared.

Holmes Cemetery

I push the old wooden gate open and make my way towards the back corner of the cemetery. I pull some weeds that have grown around the grave stone before sitting down in front, crossing my legs, and still trying to catch my breath.

“Hey mom.” I whisper, staring at her name. Andrea Nicole Jones. “I don’t know why I’m here. I guess, I guess I just really miss you. I wish you were here and you could help me and tell me what to do. I’ve discovered something about myself since our last visit…. I’m in love with Harry. I’m sure you already knew that though, you knew everything.” I sighed and looked up at the sky above me. “I just really wish I knew what to do. I was gonna tell him, today even. I was almost shot, by the way. I know I act like it’s not a big deal, but I wasn’t shot. I’m still here. Alright, I’m internally freaking out. I could have died today and it kind of put everything in perspective for me. I wasn’t going to waste any more time with Harry. I was finally going to stop being a wimp and just tell him.

“Then I saw him and Caroline and she had his bracelet on.” I shake my head, wiping away a tear that had somehow escaped my eye. “I guess it’s stupid? Well, it isn’t to me. They mean so much to us, or are supposed to, they did. I don’t know. I can’t speak for him, only myself. That’s how bad things are. I remember when you gave us those bracelets. You were sitting in the hospital bed, and you couldn’t really speak… I didn’t know what the heck you were doing, but you told us, or showed us, you had a piece of paper hidden away. I had the paper in my hand and Harry held onto the bracelets, and we stood there reading the paper together.”

To my dearest Kelly and Harry:

I love you two, and you both have made me so happy. Seeing you both together has kept me going as this disease has progressed. I wrote this a while ago, when I was first diagnosed and I knew that sometime soon this day was going to come. I wouldn’t be able to see my little girl develop into a young women. And I truly wish I could be there, and be able to say. “That’s my daughter.” I am so proud of you, Kel. So proud to be your mother, so proud I got to raise you, and I got to be your mom.

Harry… I don’t think I’ll ever forget the day you two met and Kelly was so fascinated because you ‘talked silly’. I’ve watched you quickly grow up and I know that if I was able to be there I would be so proud to watch you mature as well. I’ve come to love you as though you were my own, since there hasn’t been a day that I haven’t seen you in some way. Thank you for lighting my life with your beautiful spirit, and your kindness.

I know that I am giving you this letter now because soon I will be gone. Not completely though, I will watch over you every chance I get. I may not be there, but I will be. I’m ready for you both to grow together, with each other because you both have been through so much together. And thank you Harry, for always being by her side. I can leave knowing she’s taken care of and that’s what any mother would ever want for her child.

I’ve left you both these bracelets that I picked up on my last trip to New York. Nowhere too exotic, but I thought of the two of you when I had them made. As you can see, on my wrist, I have one too. I’ve asked them to keep it on even when I’m buried. I want you both to have the others. As a reminder of togetherness, of you being together through the good and the bad, you’ve been there for each other and I expect you to get better. There will be bumps in the road, but you’re strong enough to pull though.

With all my love forever,
Mom.

“We were literally sobbing by the end, and you motioned your head and we figured out you meant to put them on. We put them on each other and I was a mess. I was shaking when I put Harry’s on him. And then, once we both smiled at each other and you—the, uh.. You know, the heart monitor stopped beeping. And that was it…”

I wiped away all of my tears that had fallen in the process of retelling the story. “It was over and it was me and Harry and I had to leave as soon as I could. I cried for so long, and every second he was there for me. But now, I’m not so sure anymore.” I shake my head and stand up, removing grass and tears. “I should go now, mom; it’s a long run back. I just needed to talk. I’ll see you soon. I love you.”

And with that I began my long journey back to my house. It did feel longer trying to make it back home, and I would currently kill for a water and a bath. I hated being this sweaty, and being this tired, and being sore. My legs already hurt. But I’m so close to my house, so I run faster and faster until my house comes into sight. This is probably the happiest I’ve been all week.

I close in on my house, panting like a dog. But when I finally reach the sidewalk I see Harry sitting on my front steps. He stares down at his hands until I assume he hears my footing slow down. His head snaps up and he rises to his feet.

“Kelly.” He breathes.

“Uh, hey.” I cross my arms over my chest and focus my gaze to a little pebble that is beside my foot. I inhale and exhale a couple of deep breaths to regulate it as much as I can.

“You alright?” he asks still standing by the steps, leaving a good distance between us.

“I’ll be okay, you?” I ask politely, but I really just want to go inside.

“I think you already know the answer to that.” he says and I look up from my little brown rock to meet his gaze.

He stares at me intently before I finally step forward. “Well, if you’ll excuse me. I need to shower.” I attempt to walk past him but he grabs my arm.

“Why are you being so cold?” he asks.

“I’m not. I just went for a long run and I’m sweaty and thirsty and would just like to go into my house. It’s been a long day, you should know. I’m just exhausted.” I shake my head trying to pull my arm away and he lets go after a bit.

“Let’s go inside and talk then.”

I shake my head at him, ‘No. I don’t want to talk right now.”

“Kelly! Come on. When do you ever want to talk? Are you mad? Tell me what you’re mad about, tell me something!” I make eye contact with him again, but now my hand is on the door. He looks pained, and as I finally really look at him I can tell how tired and worn out he is. And that his hair is really, really long.

“Harry, just drop it.” I try again, and turn the knob on the door.

“Are you mad because I gave Caroline the stupid bracelet?!” he screams at me.

I turn slowly to him, and stare him in the eye. The anger slowly disappears like he’s just realizing what he just said but it’s too late. Just when I thought I was done crying for the day he does this. Stupid bracelet.

“No Kelly.” He moves towards me, trying for my arm. “I didn’t mean that.”

I held up my hand, and he stayed where he was and fell silent. He watched me as I looked down and watched a tear drop hit porch.

“Kelly, love. I swear I didn’t m-”

“Harry.” I interrupted, whispering to him. “Just… please just go home.” I sighed and walked into my house shutting the door behind me. I twisted the lock and slid down the door as fresh tears took over my eyes.

He thought it was stupid, the one thing that helped keep me going. The one thing that had given me hope.

Notes