Always.

There are things in life I’m not sure I will ever be able to understand and something’s I’ll never know. Adults always say that they no everything, that they are so much smarter than us just because they’ve lived longer than us and been through more. I’m sure it’s mentally impossible for one person to know everything. Can you imagine how exhausting that would be, or the mental stress that it would have on a person. The whole idea of parents knowing everything is ridiculous; of course I didn’t know that when I was a kid but I definitely do know that now.

I don’t think I’ll ever tell me children that I know everything. I’ll just say I know a lot. I mean I know a lot know I guess, or enough for my age… maybe even more than I should. More than I used to, less than I will. But there are so many things I’ll never have the capability of knowing like how many hours of sleep I will get tonight or why carbs are bad. I mean I think they’re bad but I don’t know. But what’s the fun in knowing everything anyway? I ask myself that question then I think about how there are some things that I would rather know now then to find out through pain or other things that are remotely close to it.

Life is complicated at one point or another; actually life is complicated multiple times even. That’s something I hate; complications.

“How are you and Liam?” a simple question innit? Harmless, all that. I realize I have been staring out the window at nothing… basically nothing while he drives us home to eat before the football game tonight, a home game, which means marching band performances.

How are Liam and I? Isn’t it supposed to be the male in the ‘relationship’ who is confused about where the two stand because I’d rather have it that way than feeling like I’ve been left in the dark all week long. Maybe if he was avoiding me it would have been a clear sign that he wasn’t interested, but that wasn’t the case. It was like he was interested but thinking about something that kept him from being, what’s the word I am looking for, open with me.

Sure there were smiles, and walks to class and we talked in English when we did partner work but I felt like that was it. Maybe I shouldn’t be worried, but I just have this strong feeling that something else is going on. I’m a very introverted person so I’m good at figuring out things like that in situations like these.

“Uh, okay. . . Why has he said anything?” shit, now I sound clingy.

“No, well I haven’t really talked to him as much this week but I bet he’s just swooning over you.” He says dryly, tapping his hand on the steering wheel to the beat of the radio in the background.

“How are you and Caroline?” It honestly comes out as more of a statement than a question but whatever; I’m just done talking out loud about Liam and yadda yadda.

A slight smiles spreads over his face as he answers. “We are actually doing quite well.”

“It’s the accent.” I reply.

“Not everyone is as obsessed with it as you are, Kel.”

“Yes they are, they just don’t voice it like I do.” I objected. It’s true though, how could people not like his accent? Though over the years it has become less thick, it’s still there. I mean he lives with his parents who still have strong accents, and goes home to England at least once a year. That’s helped. You think I’d be so used to it I wouldn’t even notice but I do. I always notice the way he pronounces things different than I do, or the different phrases he uses. I like it though,

“You’re probably right. But surely she likes me for more than the accent, yea?” he looks at my with a smile on his face, biting his lip.

“Well, have you made her tea? That’s the only other thing I can think of. . .” I trailed, looking out the window again smirking to myself. We are now driving down our road, and are in front of his house in no time.

“You’re really something else, you know that Kel?” he laughs, pulling his key from the ignition.

As I am about to reply I step out of my car and see my father through the kitchen window. I haven’t seen him all week, ever since that… I need to stop using foul language. Ever since he slapped me, like really? Who slaps their own child? I guess I’m not his child so whatever. How I managed to not see him all week was surprising and not very surprising at the same time I guess. I doubted he was sorry, I bet he was ‘working’, since that’s apparently what he calls it now.I look away, hoping he didn’t see me as I make my way toward Harry’s door.

“Kelly Marie!” Dammit. Defeat. I look at the ground before squeezing my eyes closed and taking a deep breath. “Kelly.”

“What?” I ask, finally looking up at him standing outside our door. In the corner of my eye I see Harry nervously looking between the two of us.

“I would like to speak to you.”

“Alright.” I shrug, gesturing for him to continue.

“At home, Kelly.” He nods his head towards the door and step in the house.

I put my head down again and pinched the bridge of my nose. “I can’t do this.” I whisper shaking my head.

“Hey,” Harry’s hand was on the side of my face, the other moving my hand down. He put both of his hands on either side and forced me to look at him. “You’ll be fine, okay?” he searched my eyes when I didn’t speak, my only reply being a blink. “I’ll be right inside if anything happens, okay? Just come on over.” I didn’t even notice the tears falling until he swiped his thumbs under my eyes.

I couldn’t help but laugh, “Thanks Harry.” I whispered.

“Of course,” his reply was just as soft and his face was so close to mine I could feel his hot breath on my lips.

Biting my lip, I move his hands from my face. “Alright,” I exhale, holding onto them. “I’m good.” I take a deep breath. “Here goes nothing.” I let go of his large hands that were in my smaller ones. “I’ll see you soon.” I say and walk towards my house.

The living room is lit from the light that shines through the curtains on the far side of the house. My father is sitting on the couch with his hands on his knees, staring at the ground. “I thought I was going to have to come out again.” He says still staring at the ground.

“Well, you didn’t and I am here so..”

“Have a seat.” He says, finally looking up and gesturing toward the couch beside him.

“Listen, I can’t stay long I ha-”

“Kelly, just take a seat.” He looks me directly in the eye without raising his voice and I reluctantly take a seat on the chair that’s almost diagonal from the couch.

We sat in silence for what felt like hours but was actually almost 5 minutes according to the clock on the back wall that I had been staring at. “Listen, this has been a fun chat but I really need to go.” As I stand he does as well.

“I wanted to apologize for what I did to you.” He sighs, looking around me but not at me. What a coward.

“All right.” I sit back down and cross my arms over my chest.

“I should have done that.” Duh. “I don’t know what came over me.” Sure. “I’m sorry.” Yea.

“Alright, so can I leave now?”

“No, no you can’t. You don’t understand. I’m sorry, I promise I won’t do it again. I’ve stopped Kelly, I haven’t had a drink all week.” He sits down and looks into my eyes.

“mhm.”

“I don’t always know how to cope with this Kelly. Raising you without your mother, I didn’t ask for this.”

“You know what dad? Maybe you didn’t ask for this! But you know what you did do? When you decided to marry my mother that meant taking care of me too okay? I’m sorry.” I stand from my chair. “I’m sorry that I’m too much for you to handle, but you know something. This had been nothing for you, nothing. I’ve practically raised myself. Hell, Harry’s parents have probably been better parents to me than you have.”

“Don’t you dare say that! I’ve tried the best that I can Kelly!”

“Well, you know what dad? Sometimes your best isn’t good enough.” I look him dead in the eye. “Sound familiar? Try hearing that from the age of four until now.” And with that I was turning towards the door.

“Where are you going?”

“Where I have been going most Friday nights during the fall since my 8th grade year in case you forgot. I’m in marching band, actually I’m drum major in case you were too drunk to remember me telling you. Hoping you actually cared enough to listen, hoping that my best was finally good enough.” And with that I am out the door and over to Harry’s house.

I shove the door open, half expecting his parent to be there seeing me in my hysterical state. They are not there though, and I am not in a hysterical state.

“Kel?” Harry walks from his bedroom and meets me by the door as I shove it behind me. “Kel, are you okay?” he doesn’t move toward me. Maybe it’s because I’m just staring at him, but I’m not. My eyes are on his but I don’t feel as though I am looking at him.

“Let’s go.” I speak calmly, calmer than I really am inside.

“What? You didn’t even eat. Kel, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing. I’m not hungry. Let’s just go to school, I don’t want to be late.

“Kelly,” he moved towards me again. “You’re not going to be late, come on we will just-”

“Harry.” I move away, closer to the door. “Please take me to the school. My voice breaks as I speak and with a sigh, he nods.

---

Again with the complications and life and just everything, absolutely everything. I didn’t want to even go to the game tonight, I didn’t want to march with so much on my mind, I absolutely couldn’t do it. I will, but I don’t want to. I debated on going and playing piano after Harry dropped my off but there were too many people in that band room and I didn’t really want to talk to anyone.

I went through the school and to the front to get in my car. I debated driving to the lake or to get some ice cream from Pop’s hoping it would make me feel better when in reality I know none of it would. All I wanted to do was scream and cry and throw things… or even a person.

I couldn’t do that though, I couldn’t. So I drove around to the junior parking in the very back and sat on the trunk of my car, staring at the woods, and then staring at my hands. Some cars were coming in but parking closer to the football field since the actual parking lot for that was filled up, that’s why I was surprise when I heard a car come closer to me and a door slam.

“Kelly?” a familiar voice asked, and I didn’t want to turn around. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. “Are you alright? His voice closer than before and I took a deep breath.

“Yea. I’m okay.”

He walked up so I could see him from the corner of my eye as my gaze was still focused on the trees ahead.

“Something is wrong.” He says, moving closer. When he realized I wasn’t going to answer he asked, “Can I sit?”

“Yea.” I whisper. I know I’m being rude but..

“You can talk to me you know.” He says. “About whatever. I’m not here to judge you.” I felt the car move as he resituated himself. “I’m here as a friend.

A friend.

“A friend?” I almost laugh and then I shake my head and look at the sky. Guess my best isn’t good enough. “I thought… I just thought that. Nevermind.”

“Kelly, what happened? Earlier today we were joking together and you were smiling. Now you’re just, not happy.” He warm hand his on my back, fingers spread.

“We’re just friends?” God help me I’m about to have a break down.

“What?”

“You know what, never mind.” I hop from the trunk and move to walk to the band room.

“Kelly.” He says. “Wait,” he takes my hand in and turns me. “Yes. We are just friends but listen.” He says, knowing I’d probably just leave. “I liked you, I still like you. I wouldn’t have asked you out if I didn’t. But I can’t date you.” He said. Fucking ouch.

“Alright then.” I was back to avoiding eye contact, now I am the coward.

“You’re not going to ask why?”

“I’d rather you spare me the detail to be quite honest, Liam.” I pull my hand from his and walk away again.

“How long have you known Harry?” he yells, causing me to stop on the pavement.

I turn and look at him. “What?” I ask.

“Just tell me Kelly. I know there’s no way you guys just met this year, or talked. You’re neighbors.”

I sigh and shake my head.

“You can trust me Kelly.” He moved closer to me and held my gaze.

“I… Harry is my best friend. We’ve been friends since the 3rd grade.” And that was the first time I’d actually told anyone.

Liam’s eyes widened. “Wow. Can honestly say I didn’t see that coming.”

“Yea well. Now you know, and you’re the only one.”

He laughs, “I doubt that.”

“What do you mean?” I ask him, tilting my head upward with curiosity.

“It’s obvious, Kelly. The way you look at each other. I mean, when I asked you out I hoped I was wrong but when we were at dinner and Harry and Caroline came in I knew.” What?

“Knew what Liam?” I ask.

“It’s really quite magical actually, I don’t know how I could’ve have doubted it.”

“Liam, what on earth are you talking about?” This was starting to aggravate me.

“You’re in love with him, Kelly.”

Notes