Always.

What the hell? I didn’t know Liam very well but I had a strong feeling he was slowly losing his mind. The idea of me being in love with Harry is absolutely ridiculous. We’re just friends, that’s all we have ever been. Kinda I mean we did have sex but that doesn’t mean I am in love with him.

“You don’t know what you’re talking about.” I say, turning on my heal to continue walking.

“Yes I do. How can you not see it?” he calls. How would he even know anything about people being in love.

“Seriously, Liam.” I turn to him again. “Just leave it alone, I’m not in love with him.”

“Yes, you are.” He moves closer to me but I can’t move away. “Just the way that you guys look at each other, even at the football game last Friday I noticed. It’s like you don’t remember there are other people around when you two are together. When you talk in the hallway, in class. . . the way you lean into him when he talks. You’re eyes get all wide. Not to mention how pissed off he was when I started talking about you. He would get all defensive and quiet.” He takes a minute to make sure I’m actually here, taking in all of his information. “To be fair, I thought it was weird at first. I thought, ‘why’s he being so crazy, he’s just her psychology partner.’ But now I get it. I understand that he is in love with you and I don’t want to come in the way of that.” He paused again, glancing at the watch on his wrist. “You have to understand that Harry’s my friend and hopefully you’re my friend and I don’t want to come in the way of you too.”

I shake my head and can’t help but let the anger and whatever other emotion going on inside of me take over. “Harry’s not in love with me; I’m not in love with him.” I whisper so low it could have easily been lost in the wind.

“You know what, Kelly?” he says grabbing my hand. “I’ll be right here to talk about it when you admit it to yourself. Right now I’m starving though, want to go get some overpriced stadium food?”

“Liam I’m not in love-”

“Ah,” he stopped me. “Food. What time do you have to be in the band room?” he asked, looking at his clock again.

“5:30.” I sigh.

“Same, we have a bit of time. Do you want to share a pretzel? I really want a pretzel.” He says. I smile at him and shake my head. “Come on.” He moved his arm out for me to take it. I was hesitant then I put my arm through his and we walked towards the stadium.

“Can we get the pretzel without salt?” I asked after walking in silence for a bit.

“Yea, I don’t like the salt either.” I smiled up at him, then looked straight ahead as we walked towards the stadium.

I couldn’t help but wonder about what he said or think about it I mean. If I was in love with Harry I would know wouldn’t I? We were friends, we’ve always been friends. We love each other as friends; best friends whatever. . . It’s just that I don’t get it, why people think we’re in love… Even Ryleigh said it, but that doesn’t mean- I mean she’s young she wouldn’t know. I don’t even know!

No, it’s not even a question. I know I don’t love him, I can’t love him he’s my best friend and things would get so weird and I just need to get my mind off of all of this. Maybe eating a pretzel with Bad Ass Liam would do it; maybe I could try to get him to believe I didn’t love Harry. But he didn’t just think that I loved Harry, he thought Harry loved me back. How could I convince him Harry didn’t love me… I never really thought about what our friendship might look like to others because we never really were . . . friendly at school?

“Kelly, did you hear me?”

My head snapped up to Liam as he looked at me. “I’m sorry, what?” I ask.

“I asked if you would like something to drink.” I looked in front of us and saw we were at the concession at the Stadium…

“Oh, uh. No thanks.” I shook my head. Had I really not been paying attention? How’d I even make it in here without walking into someone.

“Right, Here is you’re pretzel with cheese.” The woman behind the counter handed Liam the food and he took it and thanked her, all I could do was give her a soft smile.

“We should find a place to sit, I’m sure the guys are already here. They have nothing cool to do before Varsity games.”

I laugh at him and let him lead me to the stands where all the students are sitting. We walk up the stairs and see Louis wave to us. I smile at him before looking over to see Harry sitting next to Louis.

Harry’s wary eyes meet mine, and I almost try to send him a reassuring smile because I was sure he was still thinking about what had happened early with my father. Then I saw the pretty tanned cheerleader sitting to his right and I turned my head to look up at Liam. Liam said hi to them both and I nodded.

“Have a seat.” He said, motioning next to Louis.

I took my seat next to him and a grin spread across his face. I liked Louis actually, he had certain uniqueness about him and he was just nice to be around… He set off a good vibe I guess; just sitting down next to him had me smiling.

“How are you today?” he asked, patting me on the leg. From anyone else I would have thought that it was creepy but because it was Louis I didn’t think anything of it.

“I’m fine, how are you?” I replied.

“Good now that you two have brought me a pretzel.” He smiles and reaches over me to grab at the plate Liam has in his hands.

“Hey!” he says, smacking his hand away causing me to giggle.

“Mate, he literally just ate half of my chocolate bar but tried eating the whole thing.” Harry added from the side. I didn’t look up at him.

“Harry, that’s not my fault. You know how I am about chocolate.. It’s like Perrie with shoes or Zayn with tattoos.” He shrugged and turned back to me and winked.

“Well, Louis you can’t have any of our pretzel.” Liam said, ripping off a piece.

“What happened to sharing is caring?” he pouted.

“Well, we aren’t in kindergarten anymore so…” I trail, grabbing a piece of the pretzel off Liam’s plate.

“Sharing is always good.” He mumbled putting his elbows on his knees and his face in his hands.

I smiled at Louis and ripped of a piece of the pretzel I had and handed it to him. “You don’t get any of the cheese though.” I said when he grabbed in from me.

“You’re officially my new favorite person; everyone else can go suck a dick. Specially you Liam.” He says, biting on the pretzel.

“Lou, I would have given you a piece.” He said matter-of-factly.

“He just probably would have shoved it up your nose first, mate.” And my smile was gone, but Liam and Louis laughed in agreement.

“That’s so mean.” Caroline giggled from next to Harry holding onto his arm.

“We’re only joking.. Actually I’m sure Liam would actually do it.” He laughs and looks over at Liam.

“Like the time Louis dared me to shove a bean up my nose but I wouldn’t do it. He held me down and out it up there himself.”

Louis started cracking up beside me along with Harry and I couldn’t help but laugh along too. “That was classic.” Louis says trying to find his breath.

“It’s wasn’t funny. I had to go to the hospital.” He took another bite of the pretzel. “It was scarring actually, I seriously thought I was going to die.” He shakes his head and looks at me with his crinkly eye smile.

It’s crazy the contrast Liam has really, his face is so good looking and he looks really good and tough with his beard but when he smiles he looks like a cute little kid you just want to squeeze.

“Looks like Bad Ass Liam wasn’t always so bad ass.” I chuckle.

“Bad Ass Liam?” Louis repeats causing me to turn to him, I looked at Harry briefly and noticed all traces of laughter that were there before gone.

“Yea, guess it may not be so true anymore huh? Have any other embarrassing stories about Not So Bad Ass over here?” I ask and watch Louis’ eyes widen and light up.

“Actually, I have a lot. Alright so in middle schoo-”

“OK! Look at that, it’s 5:23. We should get going Kelly.” Liam says, grabbing my arm and standing me up with him.

I laugh at how quickly he tried to avoid Louis telling me stories about him.

“Actually, I have to go get ready to cheer too.” Caroline talks for what, the second time?

“Right, then. I’ll see you during half time?” Harry asks.

Caroline nods and leans over to kiss him on the lips.

Suddenly I actually feel like I’m gonna get sick and I turn away and look at Liam. I knew he saw it, I knew he knew I saw. Sad features overtook his face as he took my hand. I knew there was never gonna be a way to convince him I wasn’t in love with Harry now. I don’t even know why I was acting like this.

“We’ll see you later Lou, Harry and it was nice talking to you Caroline.”

I just continued to look towards Liam while everyone said the See you laters.

Finally we were walking down the bleachers and out of the stadium. “Are you gonna be okay, Kelly?” Liam finally stopped and asked when we were almost to the band room.

“:Liam,” I shook my head. “I don’t know what that was. Nothing I mean, it was nothing. I have nothing to be upset about.”

“Kelly, listen I know you may not-”

“Liam, seriously. I’m okay, okay. Thanks for being worried but you have nothing to be worried about, okay? I have no feelings like that for Harry. Good luck during the game, I’ll be the one cheering from the goal post at the wrong things.” I smile, or try to smile.

“Alright, Kelly. Just text me or whatever if you need anything.” He says and hugs me goodbye.

“thanks.” I whisper as he leaves. With a deep sigh I turn and walk to the band room.

I was probably the worst drum major tonight. My head was completely elsewhere, and I didn’t like it too much. I tried not to think about everything that had happened today, or this week but of course I couldn’t do that. Mr. Potter kept asking me what was wrong which I replied with a terrible lie. He’s known me too long, he can see right through me, but he dropped it. And I’m glad he did, I didn’t want to talk… to anyone. The only time I said anything was for songs or on the field, and then I walked off and saw Caroline smiling at me. I tried to respond I really did, but I couldn’t.

I went straight home after that, because I just didn’t want to see anyone. My father was home but I just walked in and told him I was PMSing so he’d hopefully leave me the hell alone. He always was freaked out by that. I changed into some shorts and a gray hoodie and got into bed.

I laid in my bed for over an hour staring at the dimly lit ceiling, only my lamp was on. I could hear my dad standing and walking out of the house and start his car. I could hear other cars passing by. I could hear my heartbeat pulsing in my ears as I laid there still and quiet until I heard my phone buzz on the table beside me.

I didn’t want to move, but I was afraid not to. I reached to the table and pulled my phone over my face.

From Harry:
Are you awake?

To Harry:
Ya.

From Harry:
Come overrrrrrr!

To Harry:
No.

From Harry:
Are you ok, Kel? Please talk to me, I feel out of the loop.

From Harry:
Loop, Haha. American phrases.

From Harry:
Sorry. This is a serious matter. Come over.

To Harry:
You’re kind of a freak.

From Harry:
So you’re coming? J
I sigh and stare at my screen for about 7 seconds trying to make up my mind.

To Harry:
I guess.

From Harry:
Woooooooooooo.

As much as I didn’t want to talk to anybody, as confused as I was I didn’t want to sit here and overthink things all night long like I knew I would end up doing if I stayed here any longer. So I stepped out of my window with flip flops on, leaving my phone behind and shut it behind me and walked to Harry’s window, which was already open.

I pushed myself through the window and saw Harry in his bathroom brushing his teeth because the door was slightly cracked. I made my way over to the bed and sat down crisscross applesauce.

A minute later, Harry stepped out of his bathroom with a small smile on his face. His body was adorned in red plaid pajamas shorts and a white loose t-shirt. His long hair was hanging in front of his face before he pushed it back to the side.

“Hey.” He greeted, moving to the bed and pulling me in for a hug. “You left after the game.” He stated.

“Yea.” I replied not knowing what to say or do.

“Kelly, tell me what’s the matter. What happened with you and your dad? Come on,” he laid down on his bed and pulled me down too. We lay facing each other with a good foot between us. “talk to me.”

I sigh, this wouldn’t be too hard to tell him. “Just everything he’s always said when we get into these fights, you know? Same old shit, but a different day.”

“Did you forgive him?” he asks, lifting my head to look into his eyes.

“No, not this time.”

“You always forgive him.” He states.

“Yes, I know. This time I just told him that it’s not good enough anymore and it isn’t Harry. It’s been going on for too long.” My gaze falls to his hand resting in the open space between our bodies. “I just wish I could leave sometimes, just go away and never have to see him again.” I sniff, wiping the tear that had fallen from my eye. “One day my life is just going to completely fall apart because of him, I’m going to lose myself; it’s inevitable.”

“Kelly, you are not.” I shake my head at him. “Seriously, love. I know I’m not much, but you’ll always have me. I damn well won’t let anything bad happen to you. I’ll kick some ass.”

I let out a weak laugh, “Harry you can’t even kill a spider.”

“That’s different, they have an abnormal amount of legs.” He replies with no hint of a joke in his voice.

I laugh louder than I probably should have and he scrunched his brows together and murmured that it wasn’t funny.

“You know what will make you feel a lot better?” Harry asked.

“What’s that?”

“Me drawing on your face!” he says, hoping straight out of bed as quick as he can.

I sit up and watch him walk into the bathroom. “How is that gonna make me feel better?” The only sound was rummaging in the bathroom before he walked out.

“That… is a good question.” He said, plopping on the bed. He had a tub of black eyeliner in his hand and pulled off the cap. “You left this here.” He said then moved towards me face.

“NO! Harry, stop it.” I said, grabbing his hand.

“I want to draw.” He pouted.

“Let me draw on yours first.” I say, sticking my hand out.

“But, i.. Ugh, fine.” He puts the stick in my hand and frowns.

I smile up at him and hold his face with my left hand. “Alright, stay still.” I say and move my liner to his upper lip. I feather out the pencil lines and curl the ends of his new mustache. “Perfect.” I mutter, then add a little soul patch underneath.

I moved back, and observed my work. “Damn, you look good.” I said with a smile.

“Right then, my turn.” He smiles and yanks the pencil from my hands. “Be very still, this is art I’m creating. I don’t need you messing up my creative energy.” He says, holding my face in his abnormally large hand and stroking lines over my upper lip.

My gaze fell on his lips that seemed to be right in front of my eyes. His pink bottom lip was pulled between his teeth in concentration. My eyes skimmed over his face to his eyes that were focused on my lip, brows together.

“I can feel you staring.” He said, still focused. His minty breath hit my senses sending chills down my spine.

I hadn’t noticed his hand work around to my chin as he drew lines on there.

“Right, bit more…” he flicked some lines between my brows. “Here.”

“Harry!” he said, nudging his chest.

“Oh, I could add some sideburns.” I yank his hand before he can touch my face again.

“No, Harry!”

“Come on.” He says, trying to move his hand from mine but I wouldn’t let go. “Fine,” he sighs then looks up at me with a smirk covering his face. “You look beautiful as ever, Kel.” He whispers.

The sound of his voice is so intoxicating I find myself leaning in with every word.

“You look very handsome, Harry.” I giggle still so close to his face, the mint was on my tongue.

“Kelly…”

“Yes,” I breathe, not being able to help the goose bumps that are covering my body.

“I want to kiss you.” He says, staring me in the eye.

My breath hitches and I feel myself nodding slightly.

It feels like everything around me disappears as he leans in closer to me and I close my eyes.

His lips sweep over mine, not fully connecting with mine and I almost can’t stand it anymore. “Harry.” I whisper, “kiss me.”

And then everything becomes clear as I jolt up from my lying position and take in my surroundings. My room is dark except for the lamp that was on my body.

I start feeling around the bed for my phone rapidly before I find it under a mess of blankets. I pick it up and see I have two texts from Harry and one from Liam asking where I had gone after the game.
I’ve never had a dream like that before, one about Harry or that felt so real. Before I knew what I was doing I called up the only person I wanted to talk to.

“Hello?” he picked up after 3 rings with a slightly sleepy voice.

“Liam.” I whisper with a slight crack in my voice.

“Kelly, are you okay?” he asked.

I nodded and realized he couldn’t see me, which was okay because it was a lie. “No…” the dream was everything. “You were right.” I sob. “Liam, you’re right.”

I was in love with him; Harry. I’m in love with my best friend.

Notes