I smiled as a felt a protective arm wrap around my waist from behind. I snuggled in closer, feeling the warmth I had missed so much over the last few months. I sighed as Harry placed a quick kiss on my temple.

“Good morning.” His raspy voice broke the silence.

“Morning.” I smiled, half rolling over.

“I love you.” he smiled down at me.

“Yes, I love you.” I smirked.

“I have to pee.” I heard him whine. “But I don’t want to get up and leave you.”

“I’ll be here when you’re done.” I giggled at his childishness.

“Fine. Promise?”

“Promise.” I rolled my eyes with a smile.

I watched as he casually strutted to the bathroom, still completely naked form our night before, not bothering to close the door. I could tell that over the past couple months we’d been apart, he had been working out more. His back and arms were more defined and his ass was even better than it was before. I was complaining at all. I heard a frustrated groan come from the bathroom.

“Do you know how hard it is to piss with morning wood?” I heard Harry shout.

“I can take care of that!” I giggled, pulling the covers around me tighter, missing his warmth next to me.

“He shoots, he scores!” Harry yelled.

I could only imagine him in there trying to pee. He seems a lot more laid back today than I was expecting. I was worried we were going to fight about everything that has been going on. We still have a lot to talk about but something is telling me that we may be actual adults about this.

“Hurry up! I’m cold!” I yelled back at him, just wanting him back in bed with me.

I laid there picking at our comforter. Right now I was content, we weren’t fighting which was nice for a change. That’s all we did the last couple months apart. I twirled my engagement ring around my finger. I sighed. Maybe I wasn’t completely content. I still needed to tell Harry I wasn’t sure if I was ready to get married. I figured now wasn’t the time anyways, we were both in too good of a mood.

“HARRY!” I shouted again. What was taking him so long? “Harold, what are you doing?”

I heard shuffling from inside the bathroom but still no response or sight of Harry. I called out again, still nothing. Finally, I saw Harry come into the doorframe. I couldn’t read the expression on his face. He looked mad and worried all at the same time. That’s when I saw the orange bottle in his left hand and two baggies full of pills and weed in his right. I quickly sat up in bed not even caring I was topless, after all, he still was nude.

“Harry…” I started but he cut me off.

“I saw the Xanax last night, I know you are on that. But since when are you prescribed Adderall? And do I even want to know what these pills are? I’m fine with you smoking, you know that. The boys do that, but what are these pills and why do you need so many things to take? Certainly you can’t mix all of these.” He eyed me.

So far he was calm, this was good. I wasn’t really sure how this was going to pan out but we were about to find out I guess. I stood up, picking Harrys shirt up off the ground throwing it over my head. It was just long enough to cover my exposed body. I closed the distance between us, attempting to grab the items in his hands. He pulled them away from me placing his hands behind his back. This was déjà vu, we’ve had this fight before, in London.

“Who is giving you all these medicines?” Harry raised an eyebrow at me.

“I’ve been seeing some doctors around the city.” I shrugged.

“More than one, why?” he questioned.

“Because just one won’t give me everything I need. None of them know about the doctors I’m seeing and I just don’t tell them I’m taking anything else and I’m able to get everything I need.”

“The insurance company hasn’t caught on?” he had a good point, one that I had thought about when I started all of this. I just never expected him to ask.

“I use insurance for the one and pay cash for the other so it doesn’t have to go through anything.” I sighed.

“That is not okay, Spencer.” he kept the drugs in his hands as we made his way over to his suitcase. He pulled a pair of boxers on before sitting down on the edge of the bed. “You can’t take all of these.”

“You don’t understand. I need all of them.” I crossed my arms in a huff.

“No, you don’t. You think you do.” He rolled his eyes. “You’re addicted, that’s why you think you need them.”

“I’m addicted? You have the audacity to sit there and tell me I’m addicted to drugs when you haven’t even been around for months. You have no fucking clue what’s been going on here.” I was mad now.

“Don’t try and make this about me not being here. You know I physically can’t be.” He glared at me.

“I’m not making it about you not being here. It has everything to do with you just assuming you know what is going on here!”

“Maybe if you would tell me what’s going on, I would know!” he raised his voice slightly.

“I do tell you, Harry. I do. You’re just also too busy to talk or are beyond distracted when we’re on the phone. I don’t even remember the last time we just sat on the phone and talked like normal. You never have the time.”

“I’m sorry this is my job, but I can’t change that.” He said with no emotion.

“And you’re busy all day, every day? You have absolutely no time in the world to have an actual conversation with your fiancée?” I spat.

“What do you want me to do? Not perform and talk to you the entire show instead? Skip interviews so my lonely girlfriend is pleased?” I saw the instant regret in his face as the words left his mouth, but they were already said.

“Lonely? Being lonely is only part of what is going on.” I stared him down.

“Then tell me Spencer, please, tell me what I’m missing that is so important.”

“What is important? Are you serious?” I couldn’t believe he just said that.

“Spencer, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it to come out like that.” Of course he was back peddling now.

“No, I’ll tell you what’s important. I’m starting my own fucking business, I’ve never been more stressed or over worked in my entire life. My fiancé works full time being an international pop star who tours more days out of the year than not. My friends are all developing their own lives and I hardly have any time to even see them. So yes, you can say that I’m alone or lonely. Yeah, you can say I love and hate your job and yes, I’m a mess. But what you don’t get to do is come in here and think you know what is going on in my life when you don’t take the time to listen to me.”

He set the pills he had still been holding down, coming over to my sobbing body. How dare he think that he can say that to me? Who does he think he is? I don’t care if he’s Harry Styles from One Direction, hell I don’t care if he’s the fucking president. He doesn’t get to talk to me like he knows all.

“I had no idea it was that bad.” He wrapped his arms around me.

“Don’t touch me.” I pushed him away. “Don’t.”

“Spencer, come on. It hasn’t been easy for me either.”

“What? Touring the world with your best friends and partying every night? That must be so hard and terrible for you.” I rolled my eyes.

“I’m away from the love of my life, I’m away from my family, do you know how hard that is?”

“Tragic, really.” I knew it was hard for him, but I can’t believe he was trying to compare.

“I hate being away from you!” he sighed, running a hand through his bed head.

“I hate being away from you!” I retorted.

“We can’t change that though, babe. That’s how it has to be. You can’t come with me and I can’t stay.”

This was my moment, this was it. I had to tell him that I’ve been questioning our engagement.

“Harry.” I started, very seriously. “I don’t think I can do this.”

“Do what?” he asked, genuinely confused.

I subconsciously swirled the ring around my finger. “This.” I pointed between the two of us.

“What are you talking about?” he looked hurt.

“I’m not ready to get married.” I finally said.

“We can wait, we don’t have to get married yet. I don’t care how long our engagement lasts.” He closed the gap between us as I began to cry.

“No Harry. I mean all of it.”

I even shocked myself with that one. I never thought that I wanted everything to be over. But it was true. I couldn’t live like this. Normal couples aren’t supposed to live like this. His grip tightened on me as I cried harder.

“Spencer.” I heard a tremble in Harry’s voice.

“It’s not working. I can’t handle all of this. I’m too selfish. I need you around too much. I’m working four times as many hours as I was on your first tour so I have no time to come see you. We don’t talk. I can’t keep dealing with the rumors of our relationship. I can’t take the distance, I just can’t.” I cried.

“Don’t do this. Please, I’ll do anything. I’ll quit the band f that’s what it takes, just please, don’t do this.” he begged.

“I’d never let you quit the band, Harry. Don’t be insane. It’s been your life before you even knew me. That’s who you are.” I shrugged.

“Yes, it was my life before I met you and it’s still my life now. But you’re also my life now. I can’t imagine being without you.”

“Harry. I’m sorry.” I sniffled.

“I’ll come home more often. I’ll fly out to see you every chance I get, I’m not letting this end.”

“Harry. I love you too much to let you drain yourself over this.”

“And I love you too much to let you walk away.”

He looked down at me, wiping a tear with the pad of his thumb. Before I knew what was happening his lips were on mine. He kissed me with more passion than I’ve felt in a long time. He wrapped one hand around my waist and tangled the other in my hair. I let my arms find their way around his neck, pulling him as close as I could. Who was I kidding? I couldn’t live without him either, but this relationship wasn’t healthy for me.

I felt him walk us back towards the bed. I was being selfish again. I should have stopped him the moment he started this encounter. But I couldn’t. He was right, I loved him too much.

“You’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever laid eyes on.” He murmured into my mouth as he continued to kiss me. “I can’t live without you.”

“Harry.” I tried to stop him but I couldn’t.

He took his shirt off my body, leaving me fully exposed. He stared at me like I was the most expensive and precious thing he’d ever seen. He began his assault of my body on my neck, working his way down. I felt his tongue drag across my skin into the nape of my breasts. He took one in his mouth, kneading the other with his palm. A small moan escaped my lips as he continued, switching sides. He left soft, wet kisses down my stomach and into my core. My breath hitched in my throat and I felt his fingers join his tongue. He was heaven in human form.

I wanted him, no needed him. I guided him back to my mouth, tasting myself on him. He smirked down at me as I moaned his name lightly.

“I love you. Please don’t leave me.” He whispered into my ear as I slipped his boxers off.

“I love you too, Harry.” I couldn’t promise him I wasn’t going to end it for good. I had no idea what would make it work, but something was telling me we would.



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Later that afternoon- Harry POV

I was terrified. Completely and utterly terrified. I am more than certain she isn’t joking about leaving me. I didn’t want to lose her but I understood her side of the relationship. I’m never around and she needs someone. She isn’t a needy person, she just generally needs someone to keep an eye on her. I know that makes her sound like a child, but I worry. I constantly worry about her when I’m gone. I worry about the drugs, her cheating, and most of all her leaving. My worst fear is coming true.

Right now we’re just snuggled in bed after our earlier romp. I didn’t know what else to do when she started to talk about leaving. I was never really one for words, so I showed her why she should stay. By the way she was screaming out my name by the end, I knew I had gotten my point across.

She pulled me from my day dream with her cute giggle. We were watching some mindless TV, cuddling. It was nice to be home. I missed her so much while I was away for tour. She had a point, we didn’t have time to visit each other like we used too. We were both really busy lately. I looked down at the wonderful girl in my arms.

“What’s so funny?” I asked.

“The show. You were off in la la land, weren’t you?” she craned her neck to look up at me.

“Yeah, sorry. My mind is everywhere but where it should be. Which is right here, right now.” I smiled, kissing the top of her head. “So fill me in what did I miss?”

“Well Kim just sent Kourtney the nastiest email I’ve ever heard because she woke her up too early. Kourtney read it to Khloé who basically just said Kim is a worthless bitch. God this family is outrageous.”

When I said mindless telly, I meant it. Keeping Up With The Kardashians wasn’t really my ideal way of spending the day, but Spencer seemed to be getting a kick out of it.

“Yeah, this is why I zoned out.” I chuckled. “Let’s watch some football!”

“Nooooo!” she groaned. “I watched so much football when we first started dating that it’s been ruined for me forever!”

“That’s all Louis and Niall ever really watched, yeah?”

“Yes! It was awful. No offense.”

I shrugged not really offended. I just wanted to stop watching this idiocy. But if she was happy, I was happy.

“Do you really think we can make it work?” she asked unexpectedly.

“I’d do anything to make it work. I swear.” I laced my fingers through hers.

“I don’t know.” she sighed, leaning to look at me better.

“Louis flies places for sometimes as little as a few hours to see Emily, I could do that too. I’ll do anything, and I mean anything.” I kissed the back of her hand.

“You’ll wear yourself down. Louis looks awful half the time.” she sighed.

“That’s partly the drugs and partly all the travel.”

“The drugs?” she questioned.

“He takes stuff to keep him awake.” I shrugged.

“You’re okay with him doing that, but when I do, it’s the worst thing in the world?” she snapped. “I take the Adderall to focus during the day, the Xanax is for when I need to mellow out and the weed is just because I’ve smoked for a while and it helps me relax when I get home. How is Louis taking something stay awake any different?” she was mad, I knew her mad voice and she was there.

“He’s not my fiancée. Sure, he’s my best friend, brother, whatever you want to call him but he isn’t you. You’re my world, whether you want to believe it or not.”

“I still don’t see the difference, you love him too.” she rolled her eyes.

“Spencer, I don’t love him in the same way. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with him and I certainly don’t want to stick my dick into him. You’re my one and only, that’s why I worry.”

“Harry, I still don’t think that I’m ready to get married. Could we maybe hold off on the engagement until I’m ready?” she asked softly.

I was hurt to hear her say that. I didn’t see why we couldn’t just stay engaged but not get married for some time. I didn’t want to call off the engagement that would look horrible for us and confuse everyone if we stayed together.

“Why don’t we stay engaged and just not get married for a few years, or however long you need?” I suggested.

“Harry.” was all she said. “I’m not ready for any of this.”

“We’re young, I know! But am I the person you want to be with forever?” I asked.

“I think so.” That stung.

“You think? You wait a year and a half into our relationship and an engagement you said yes too and you only think I’m the one you want to spend the rest of your life with?” Now I was mad.

“I told you I’ve been so stressed out and thinking really hard about everything lately! I have no idea what I want! I want you, but I’m not ready to promise a lifetime together.”

At least she was being honest, as bad as this hurt, she wasn’t holding back. I didn’t know what to say or do in this moment. She was my world and she was slipping through my fingertips.

“Fine, we don’t have to be engaged. But can we at least try my suggestions before we split apart?” I sighed, ready for the worst.

“Yes. We can try.” She smiled weakly. I wasn’t convinced, but it was worth a shot. “I’ll wear my engagement ring on Fallon tomorrow.” she chuckled lightly. “Speaking of, would you want to come with me to the show? It’s another off night for you.”

“Yeah, I’d love too. I haven’t been able to see you in action yet!” I smiled.

“I promise, no one will know there’s trouble in paradise. No one has figured it out yet, have they? Maybe I have a future in acting.” I hated the way she giggled at that.

“There doesn’t have to be, babe. We’ll figure this out.” I kissed her gently. “I’m sorry.”

“We’ll figure it out.” she repeated, ignoring my apology.

“I love you.” I whispered, almost inaudible.

“Harry, I love you too.” she smiled weakly back at me.

Even though she had agreed to work through things, I wasn’t sure it was going to end up in the best way. I felt like I had already lost her. She was still saying she loved me, so all hope wasn’t gone. I don’t know what I’d do if I really did lose her. I had to put in more effort. I needed to stop going out with random people and girls and start talking to her on skype or the phone all night instead. I was going to change to show her that even when we were apart and had no time to visit, we’d make it work. I was worried for our future but I wasn’t going down without a fight. That was for damn sure.

Notes

Hey all!!!! Sorry for not updating sooner! I know I said I would be faster, I lied. And I suck for it. I know. I hope you enjoy this update, I know you may be worried but remember, there will be a sequel! They are not done yet!

Let me know what you think! Thanks for always reading!

much love
xx