Saturday, the best day of the week. But all of that turned to hell when Mrs. Cole invited over the new neighbor a.k.a Niall Horan for breakfast. And apparently, Niall had guests over a.k.a Louis and Zayn. This is going to be the worst Saturday ever. Jacquelyn had to go home yesterday afternoon to get started on packing. She’s having a 3 days vacation to Spain. She’ll be back around Tuesday.
“Jessica! Breakfast? Come on, come on, we have guests! Have you heard about the new neighbor?” I give Mrs. Cole a nod, not very excited for breakfast. As I walk into the dining room, I see Louis, Zayn and Niall talking. “Uhh.. Mrs. Cole, I’m not very hungry.. I’ll just have lunch later” I smile at Mrs. Cole. “But-“ “It’s okay, Mrs. Cole, you can just get along with them, I’ll be upstairs in my room” I didn’t let Mrs. Cole say anything and I just dash up to my room because Niall, Louis, and Zayn saw me already.
I stay in my room and just sit there in my bed holding my journal close to my chest, hoping nothing bad will happen today. I put on a long sleeve sweater because I am starting to get chilly. I open my journal and start reading all the things I have written down there since sophomore year and now I’m senior. Everything I have written down.
‘Hey, Journal.. There was a new student in some of my classes today. His name is Niall Horan, he is blonde, he looks cute. I may or may not have a crush on him, haha.’
‘Aaaahh! Niall had lunch with me today! I mean, like sitting down in the same table in the cafeteria! I guess, both of us are kind of friends.’
‘I finally have a best friend, he is the greatest friend ever! I gotta go, Niall wants to watch a movie or something.’
‘Niall and I didn’t walk together to class.. We have most class together. He doesn’t even sit next to me anymore, he has been avoiding me all week. He joined the football team and I guess I have been replaced.’
‘Journal, I can’t believe what had happened today. I can’t believe my own best friend would beat me up. Correction, my ex best friend. He throws stuff at me, punched me, push me against lockers, pull on my hair, everything.’
‘I don’t get why Niall is doing this to me. He started hanging out with all his new popular friends and they bully me as well. Everytime I get a new friend, he would bully them and they won’t want to be friends with me anymore. I guess, my razor is my only friend right now.’
‘It hurts, everything in this world now seems like a threat to me. Except Jacque. Today was supposed to go great until half of it were once again, ruined by the one, Niall Horan. He poured a hot beverage above my face and it went straight to face then to my cuts in my arms. I don’t want Jessica to know, I don’t want her to worry about me or pity me. Nobody knows that I always sleep with a razor under my bed. I feel like somehow I can’t take it anymore.. I feel like, I can’t do this anymore. But, I can’t just leave Jacquelyn. She is my only friend, more like sisters now. It’ll hurt her if I just go away like that. I guess, for now, it’ll just stay as a thought.’
I’m pretty sure that tears are streaming down my face right now. I put down my journal and look under my pillow for my razor. And there it is. Laying there. I pick it up and stare at it. I just can’t take it anymore. My life is not worthy of anything. My parents doesn’t really notice me anymore. Well, they are barely here in my time of need. I’m not good enough for everybody at school. I’m not good enough to compare to Niall’s new friend. I start grazing down words upon my skin using the sharp razor ‘ugly’ ‘useless’ ‘unworthy’ and much more. “Hey, there slu-“ Niall came in my room. Shoot, I forgot to lock my door, didn’t I? “Say it, Niall! Say it! Say that I’m a slut! Say it!” I am surprised with my sudden burst of confidence. “What the hell are you doing?!” “GO AHEAD! SPREAD THE WORD THAT JESSICA COWELL CUTS!” more and more tears come streaming down my face. Niall closes door and runs over to my bed. “Go away, Niall” I say to him, bitterly and pull my blanket above my head and lay down and wince at the pain on my arms. “Get up Jessica!” Niall commands me. I stay silent, for this time I disobeyed him. “Jessica, I freaking mean it!” I keep silent and ignore him. “That’s it!” Niall shouts and pulls the blanket away from me. His face is way beyond surprised when he saw the pool of blood that surrounds me. He puts an arm under my neck and one under my knee, so he is practically carrying me bridal style. “What are you doing? Leave me be!” I protest him. It’s his turn to ignore to what I have to say to him. He carries me to my bathroom and make me sit down in the toilet seat. He grabs a small towel and pour warm water in it and put it against my cut skin. I wince from the pain. “Ssshh..” he calms me down. As he gently wipes all the blood away from my arm, he reads all the words on my arm. We both stayed quiet for a while and he decided to speak. “Why?” “Why not?” “You could hit a vein and kill yourself” “So? I would be doing everyone a favor, wouldn’t I?” “No, don’t you dare say that! Don’t ever have a though of killing yourself!” once he said that, all the blood in my body raised up. “What’s the difference to the life I’m having now, huh?! All the bullying, beating! It’s the same thing as killing softly! I see no difference, Niall! And yes, I would be doing everyone a favor because clearly without me in the world, everyone would be happy! Especially you!” my outrage leaves Niall silent. “I’m sorry..”
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