"Lost Boy"

He carefully wrapped his arms around me, rubbing my back affectionately as I cried into his shirt, clutching his hand. I didn't want to let go. I didn't want for him to let go. I needed him here. I was so alone. So scared. So scarred.

"D-don't send me away Niall! Please, please, please don't s-send me away!"

He squeezed me lightly, pressing gentle kisses to my cheeks and hushing me sweetly which didn't really mute my helpless cries. I felt so trapped. Confused. Alone. But he kept trying. He didn't give up. He tried his best to calm me down. He kept fighting for a beautiful peace I knew I would never find. I was horrible. I was inhuman and I deserved to die. To experience the same pain as the people who'd left earth because of me. I'd never find peace. Never.

It was irconic. This entire thing. How my life had gone from being annoyingly boring and peaceful to this constant stream of bad news and pain. It was ironic that I'd gone from hating this insignificant little town and all it's people for being this boring to hating myself for being stupid enough to not appreciate what I'd gotten in the first place. Peace and silence. Such beautiful things but of course I was only able to realize that now. Cliché with a huge c.. You start appreciating what you have when it's gone. True. And that's what killed me. It was true and it was all my fault.

"It's okay love.. It's okay don't cry. Just tell me please?" He whispered quietly, making sure that the nurses couldn't hear him, trying his best to protect the secret he thought I would tell him. Poor naive Niall. If he just knew. If he just knew.

I shook my head again, not wanting for him to know anything about it. He'd get scared of me, not that I wasn't myself. I was indeed aware of the fact that I was a monster but he wasn't. Poor innocent Niall wasn't. But what exactly would he do when he found out? He'd hate me. He'd leave.. for good this time. He' stop caring about me and I.. I'd die.

Suicide wasn't such a scary thought to me. It seemed almost soothing. The idea of sleeping forever, never having to worry about your fears anymore seemed to perfect. So appealing. And it wouldn't take much. A single cut. One little pill. It'll be enough. It'll stop it all. No more nightmares. No more pain. Just blissful silence. Peaceful sleep.

I wanted to think that the nightmares was the worst thing about my life. I wanted to think the empty eyes and cold bodies was the most cruel vision I'd ever get to see. But no.. It all got worse when I woke up. When I got back to the real world, dreams, fantasies and nightmares being long gone and simply no match to the ugly truth about the world we live in. It wasn't just a nightmare. It was my life. And it was all my fault.

Every step was a challenge. Every breath a struggle, the pain choking me, refusing to let me breathe. To let me live. Every bite was forcing it's way up again. Every tear a waterfall. I was crumbling. Crumbling like the pastries in the pantry that I just couldn't get myself to eat.

But when it all got too much.. I knew I had one friend to rely on. One friend that'll always be by my side. A friend that gave me the release I needed, wise enough to cut through my problems and let the solution flow freely. A friend, sharp as a razor blade...

Every cut was a message from the other side. The brigther side. The happier side. Every scream was a sigh of relief. Every drop of blood, representing each step closer I got to my happy ending. The happy ending I longed for. The sleep I missed...

"No..You'll hate me. I don't want that" I whispered, staring deeply into his ocean eyes, searching for just the tiniest amount of understanding. Just a little bit hope.. that's all I needed. I needed for him to let go. To stop. No more questions. Just stop.

"I won't.. I promise" He whispered back, tucking a strand of my dark hair behind my ear. I bit my lip, the last bit of my stubbornness vanishing under his intense stare. I had to tell him. Whether he'd hate me or not, he had to know. Someone had to know...

The tears came back, not even giving me the time to brace myself as they simply poured out of my eyes, causing my throat to constrict, making it almost impossible for me to speak without sounding tearful and weak.

"The baby, Niall.. I lost my baby. I-I killed my baby" I cried, watching as his eyes widened in both shock and confusion. I just had to wait for it. The screaming, the yelling, the hurtful words and the disappear right out of my life..

"What baby?" He croaked out between his clenched teeth, eyes glinting with pure anger. He already knew the answer. He was smart. Smarter than me and because of this wit he already knew how I'd got pregnant. And he hated it. He hated him..

I looked down. Ashamed. Scared. Confused. What exactly was going to happen now? Were we still going to be friends? Please let it be a yes.. Please?

"Have you been hurting yourself?" He whispered, eyes connecting with mine, gladly rummaging through my soul, searching for the heartbreaking answer to that question. A question I refused to answer. He'll just think I'm crazy. That I'm sick. Mentally ill. I'm not. I'm not, I'm not, I'm not. I'm fine. I'm fine. What a beautiful lie. What a glorious illusion...

He shook his head, grabbing my hands, and turning my wrists staring wide-eyed at the white cuts on my skin, tearing up slightly, a weak 'Why' spilling out of his lips. He was disappointed.. and so was I. I wasn't good enough at lying. I wasn't good enough at hiding it. I was a failure. A failure...

"I needed something to take away the pain.. I can't take it Niall. I can't!" I started panicking, not wanting for him to leave me now. To leave me here alone. He had to understand. It made everything better. It made everything easier. It was art. Art was soothing. Art was beautiful. The razor as my brush, my pale skin my canvas and the blood the paint. I created a beautiful picture. A meaningful picture, symbolizing the undefined line between selfish and murderer. A line I had most definetely crossed..

"Fuck him.." He muttered angrily, staring out of the window. "Fuck him and his pathetic little weasels of friends"

He looked at me again, eyes softening, getting this worried, caring sparkle I loved as he cautiously wrapped me up in another hug, obviously noticing the way I shook. He knew me so well. He cared so much...

"It's okay.. shhh" He whispered, letting me drench his t-shirt in salty tears once again, still holding me as I slowly drifted off to sleep in his arms.

"Don't send me away, Ni" I mumbled, already half-asleep. Sleep. Beautiful, blissful sleep..

***

Once again the voices woke me up. Familiar voices. Angry.. or rather furious voices sounding from outside the door. The nurses didn't really seem to care, minding their own business, reading my journal and probably making me more food. I really didn't know if I should feel happy, being treated as a guest in one of those luxury hotels, getting three meals and almost an entire army of people to watch out for me or if I should feel completely stuffed and gutted, literally trapped in one of the worst places on earth.

There were three voices as I could hear. 2 guys and 1 girl. They were yelling for some odd reason but I didn't know why or about what. But it clearly wasn't the most cheerful conversation ever. It wouldn't be. Quite the opposite actually.

I listened closely, only being able to get small fragments of the conversation.

"... like you know ANYTHING about her Niall!"

Was that Matt? Yep, it was definitely Matt. An really angry Matt, yelling at Niall but why? What had made him that angry? It couldn't be Niall alone. Niall was a sweetheart. Niall never did anything wrong. Why should he have provoked Matt then?

I slowly got up, feeling slightly dizzy but still continuing towards the door, quite surprised when Niall's voice was the next I heard. It was louder, sharper.. a distortion of the soft voice that sang me to sleep at night.

"I know enough to actually try and help! You're just ignoring it!"

Who were they talking about ? What was going on? It felt weird. I didn't like it. I mean I knew that the two of them had never really liked each other.. or wait that was an understatement. They clearly hated each other, each one of them looking at the other as a threat. A parasite. An insignificant pebble. Their eyes burned with a fire of hatred, enlightening their relatively blue and brown eyes, making them clench their fists in disgust. Pure hatred. Pure jealousy. That was how to describe their behaviour towards each other. If only I knew why they hated it each other this much. If only I knew what had made them feel this reluctance towards each other. Someone had to tell me.. Why was my boyfriend hating on my.. guy-friend? Well.. not that I didn't have any ideas myself..

"Oh yeah right I was ignoring her! I made her her favourite dishes. I tried taking her on walks with me. I've held her every time she cried! I've been there for through all of this! And where were you?"

"I WAS TRYING TO GET OVER THE FACT THAT SHE CHOSE A DOUCHE LIKE YOU!"

"OH SO NOW I'M A DOUCHE?! WHO LEFT HER? WHO MADE HER CRY FIRST?"

Silence. Cold, hard painful silence that was only interrupted by the muffled breaths from the two furious boys. That's when Matt uttered a few words that caught me completely off guard:

"You can't claim that you love her more than me when you left just when she needed you the most"

Niall loved me? My heart started beating painfully fast, threatening to jump right out of my ribcase and I felt slightly dizzy again. He loved me. It felt like my entire world had gotten turned upside down and nothing made sense anymore. Niall Horan, my lost boy, my angel was in love with me? Me? Out of every girl in the whole wide world he'd chosen me? No, no, no.. Just no.

"No, Matt" The faint sound of footsteps could be heard, his voice still sputtering the disgust he wasn't even hiding near me, the supposed girlfriend to his number 1 enemy.

"YOU can't claim that you love her more than ME when you're the one who doesn't even have the guts to tell her the truth.. To tell her why you've been such a 'good' boyfriend for the last couple of weeks"

My stomach churned, getting worried about Niall's portentous tone. Matt was hiding something from me. Something big and apparently this thing had been the reason for why he'd been so kind to me. It had never been love. He'd never loved me.. and that hurt.

"We can't tell her Niall! That would break her heart.. she's my best friend! I can't do that to her" I was surprised to hear Cecilia chirp in, her voice sounding genuinely worried about my well-being. But why would she say 'we' can't tell her? Was she a part of this secret as well? For how long had she been that? Why?

"Oh so it would better for her to not know about the fact that her 'boyfriend' and supposed best friend are dating behind her back?"

What? Matt was cheating on me? How could he?! How dared he?!

I shook my head in disbelief, opening the door and staring directly into the chocolate brown eyes I hated more than anything right now, not feeling the slightest hint of any other emotion than pure anger. His face got pale, eyes glistening with regret and fear as I shook my head again, looking at Cecilia as well. She tensed under my gaze, hiding her face in her hands as she broke down in tears, immediately getting comfort from my.. or her boyfriend. Funny how none of them felt bad enough to at least keep their hands off of each other 'till after I'd left.

They knew I'd leave. They knew I wouldn't stay around and get hurt like this and I started to think that this had been their plan since the beginning. It made me realize how lonely I was.. When the truth had to be spoken I was alone. Alone. No matter what.

"What a great best friend I got myself.." I muttered under my breath, not able to look at her for more than seconds before I felt the tears burn in my eyes. Why did everyone have to hurt me?

Feeling the soft touch from a familiar hand, I tensed slightly before relaxing letting him pull me in for a brief hug before I remembered the entire conversation, remembering what his little secret had been. He was still in love with me. That wouldn't just fade away. None of this would..

I took the run, ignoring their protests and simply running back to my room and grabbing my clothes before sprinting down the hall to the nearest bathroom. I stared into the mirror, watching my reflection with pure disgust. This was what love had cost me. Lost love, new love..just love in general. It was a curse rather than a blessing. It was my curse and I knew I couldn't escape. The image of the angel with blue eyes popped into my head and I started wondering, different and quite unfamiliar thoughts invading my brain. Did I really want to escape?

Notes